Ep108_mentoring
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Adam Gragg: [00:00:00] Last week on Wednesday, I had a speaking event that I didn't know about because I put it on my calendar, and it was a couple months ago, forgot about it, then it popped up, and I realized I had to miss an opportunity to mentor kids at church because I volunteer with the junior and senior boys at my church, and I missed it.

And, you know, it was [00:01:00] discouraging for me. I don't want to miss those times. They have a huge impact on me and other people. When I was 24 years old, I met this kid named Robbie. I actually talked to him today. He's 38 and I met him through a mentoring program. So I spent time with him pretty consistently once a week for probably six years and then stayed in touch as he got older and big impact on my life.

But we talked today. He's a general contractor in town and hopefully you're listening to Robbie, but. I'm probably the only one that calls him Robbie. I think he goes by Robert, but I met him when he was 12. So it's kind of cool. But I have a very special guest today, and we're going to talk today about the power and the impact of mentoring.

And this has had a big impact on my life and many of you listening, I'm sure. And so we're going to jump right in. But before that, I'm your, just introduce myself as Adam Gragg. You know, I'm your host and I've been a coach a. Speaker, licensed mental health professional for 25 years, half my life now, and my passion is helping people face their biggest [00:02:00] fears, develop confidence and clarity to do so, and to live their legacy.

How do you want to be remembered 10 years after you're gone? Live that now. That does mean facing fears in your life. So I talk about stuff I struggle with myself. I don't have it all figured out. I'm a fellow traveler. And as you know, I want to share something uncomfortable that I've done recently because I have not found many things in your life to be more important than doing uncomfortable things to face your fears for your mental health and too many things that can be as damaging as quickly as playing it safe and falling back and not having an impact on the world and just living in that way.

So what I did is yesterday I saw my daughter who is a junior in high school. I saw her fifth grade teacher and I saw him, I hung out with him, I actually pulled up some old pictures from five years ago when she was in fifth grade, had a great talk, it was cool, you know, it was awkward, but it was really fun because I don't really know him, I mean he was her teacher, it wasn't like he was my friend, he was her teacher, but it was a really cool experience, good thing, and as you know also, this is the podcast that [00:03:00] you do not just listen to, so you get to be uncomfortable as well, and hopefully this will make you a little bit uncomfortable, so what is a, think about in your life, you can write it down or speak it into your phone, who, who is somebody in your life That you know, you could actually have a mentoring relationship with.

You could lead them, you could help them go further. Someone at work, somebody that you maybe know from your neighborhood or your church, your kid's friends or somebody that, and also think about like how you have passed up that opportunity. So in a sense, you've had this sense that I could have. an impact on this person's life, yet you haven't listened to it.

So I can think of that as like betraying yourself, this desire to act, but not actually acting. So that's the uncomfortable part right there. So I'm not trying to shame you, but I want you to think about how you can have an impact on the people around you consistently. So I want to welcome our guest to talk about this, who's extremely passionate about mentoring.

And I, I met David probably a month ago, two months ago, not too long ago. So, and he has an organization [00:04:00] that invests in young men. And so, go ahead, David Riffle, will you introduce yourself and kind of tell us about Mentoring Warriors and how you got involved in

David Riffel: this. Sure, happy to. Great to be here. So, David Riffle, I am an executive director of a non profit called Mentoring Warriors.

we started around four years ago, and it really came out of a passion that I've had for decades of this idea of investing in Particularly young guys in kind of that, we'll call it the warrior stage of life kind of ballpark. 18 to 30, that young adult, they're launching out and doing their adulting for the first time and maybe making mistakes and struggles and kind of doing it solo, kind of like what I did when I was, was that age.

But rewind the tape just a little bit. About eight years ago, right after my daughter's wedding, I was kind of having a little bit of chest pains and long story short, I ended up having quadruple heart bypass surgery. And I like to say, when you're a guy in your [00:05:00] fifties, whether you love Jesus or not.

As I like to say, it kind of pretty much rocks your world and like, why am I here? What's my purpose? So fast forward to the last eight years, I wrote a book called Mentoring Warriors by teaming with Wichita State University. to answer the question, qualitatively speaking, what does it take to have a healthy mentoring relationship, particularly with those young adult guys?

And then I wrote from a. Lessons learned perspective and a Christian perspective. So now we have a non profit. We're doing boot camps where we train and equip guys. We've had about a hundred guys go through it already, mostly in the Wichita area. We've had some from Canada zoom in and it's been really cool to see this start to reproduce itself in guys who start catching the vision.

So that's kind of in a nutshell what we do at Mentoring Warriors. Those are stuff we can talk about too. Yeah, that's pretty

Adam Gragg: cool. So tell me why What was the kind of getting personal here quickly, but like [00:06:00] what was lacking for you growing up that has impacted the passion for mentoring

David Riffel: today? So four years ago, I went to a wild at heart men's bootcamp out in Colorado and John Eldridge was sitting there on less session for about father wounds.

And I'm like, there's 450 guys there and I'm thinking, okay, I'm taking notes. And all of a sudden, bam, something hit me like, oh, maybe I've got some father wounds. Next thing I know, I'm bawling like a baby. I call them snot cries. And like, God took me to the mat and like, pulled off some, some scabs that have been there for a long time.

So it really set me on kind of a search for, okay, what was my childhood really like? And I realized, and this is nothing against my, my dad, he passed away about 10 years ago. I really do love my dad, but because of some things that happened in my dad's life, he projected a lack of investment in me and maybe the manner that I should have had it.

And so there was a lot of catching up that I had to [00:07:00] do. And essentially that's why I would say my late teens and into my 20s, I was mentor less. I pretty much had to figure life out on my own. And I think that's where a lot of it stems from. And a lot of the young guys that I mentor. have some similar passivity from their dads or other, just nobody really investing in their lives.

And it seems like there's just a hunger for some of that with some of these guys.

Adam Gragg: So what is your, Dave, your perspective on mentoring? What is needed to be a good mentor? What do people need, young men need in that process? And then what is your process like? Basically is the question. Yeah, sure.

David Riffel: I talk about this in our, in my book too, about this idea of developing a relational Lifestyle aspect to mentoring as opposed to a program.

A lot of people think Mentoring Warriors is a program, and it's not. But I would say that Underlying all of that, when you go back and look at all the research that Wichita State did as [00:08:00] well, The bottom line is you have to be a safe person. You have to be trustworthy. They should be able to tell you absolutely anything, and you will still love them unconditionally.

Even though they did what we call stupid, they did some, some major mistake, something that just really tripped them up, that you're still going to be there and say, I'm going to walk with you through this. And just kind of say either I've been there too, been there, done that, bought the t shirt, let me put my arm around you and walk through it, or hey, this is all new to me too, so let's just see what I can do to, to be there for you.

Adam Gragg: Yeah. So have you, in the process, heard anything that, like, what have been, what has been your biggest surprises? Because you, you mentioned, like, you would hear anything. Yeah. I'm not asking for, like, confidential information here or anything like that. But just the biggest surprises about the impact on people, or what you've heard, what you've learned, I guess that's a very

David Riffel: broad question.

I mean, there have been [00:09:00] things where guys have gone to prison. And so, you know, through, for an example, Kansas Department of Corrections. Yeah, I signed up for their mentoring for success program. So I could basically go to Lansing and, and be their sponsor and, and spend time in the prison with them and work on their release plan and their relapse plan and help them find a place to get out, go pick them up when they got released and, you know, kind of walk with them and get them kind of back on their own, not to enable them.

That's, I think there's a, there's a line in there where you want to be compassionate, but you

Adam Gragg: don't want to enable them. What does that mean in a mentoring relationship to not enable him? What's the line,

David Riffel: basically? So I'll give you an example. So one guy, he wasn't really good with managing money. And so his car needed a tow.

So he wanted me to pay for it. And I said, nah, tell you what, I won't pay for it. But let's figure out how you can get it started. He got it started. Of course, then he goes, gets to the shop [00:10:00] and it's like 1, 600. He wanted me to front him the money and I'm like No, I don't think I'm going to do that because I realized in his case the more he pressed, the more he, he was whining.

And I realized in that, that what he's really wanting is someone to bail him out and we're not there to, we're not there to bail out. We're not there to. To rescue from that perspective or help them to walk through maybe something they've got to face. Maybe they keep hitting this wall in their life and they, they try to find ways around it or someone to bail them out.

And they're never really maturing past that point. And so you have to have some wisdom. You want to be, hey, you know, love you, man, but this is not going to be the way I'm going to love you is by handing you a check for 1600 bucks. Right.

Adam Gragg: You know. So what did you end up, how did that

David Riffel: impact the relationship?

So we talked about relay, we talked about what are some things he can do in his practical sense with his car. He ended up selling it, right? Getting something a little better that he could, he could [00:11:00] rely on. So that was one part of it too. So, that was one. You know, some rough spots, but he hung around.

I'll tell you another one where I get a text one day and he goes, can you keep a secret? And I'm like, depends on what the secret is, you know? And he goes, I have a gun. And I'm like, okay. This time I'm driving, I pull over. Like, dude, what's going on? He goes, I have a gun. It's a handgun. And he was pretty desperate.

He had fallen into some really serious stuff. And I figured out he was like 40 miles away. And I said, stop. And long story short, he was like two miles away from where his destination was. So I was able to keep him on the phone and hand the phone to the person at the door and said, does this person have a case?

Yes. It's a little briefcase, I said, well, it's a little briefcase because there's a gun in it. And they were able to get the gun from him and we got him help. And then about an hour [00:12:00] later, I get this scathing phone call from him. Very mad at me. Yeah, right. Extremely mad. Yeah. And yet, why did you do this? I told you know that.

And then the next thing out of his mouth was, I love you Mr. Riffle, I love you Mr. Riffle. Just kind of almost like back and forth, back and forth. And it was a real big cry for help. And there's more to that story. And those are difficult times, you know. When you're thinking about a guy that's 19 years old that wants to take his life.

Adam Gragg: Yeah, so there's only, there's so many things with that, so how does your Mentoring Warriors program function, the

David Riffel: bootcamp part of it? Yeah, so what we do, actually we have one right now, we're on week three, it's really cool, we got about 10 guys. Interestingly in this group, the oldest is 71 and the youngest is 18, and most of them are in their 20s.

And they are just hungry, hungry to learn how to mentor or what to look for in a mentor. [00:13:00] So we have a field manual that goes with our book, my book, and then what we do is each week we read a couple chapters. Then we watch some short videos that were put out by John Eldridge's son, Sam Eldridge. Okay.

Called Killing Lions. And they're just, they're like 17 five minute little videos that show what are some of the big issues that young guys face. And we have discussions about some of those. We also set up wingmen. So every guy has a wingman for the next eight weeks and part of that is to learn what it means to start relating and applying some of these principles we teach on relationships in a face to face situation.

And the idea is by the end of the eight weeks, they have a better handle on either what to do to approach somebody to mentor them, or if they're in a position to start mentoring, how can they do that to start investing in somebody else? And a lot of times I'll say, you know, these guys in their twenties, they're thinking, well, I need to be mentored.

I'm [00:14:00] like, Yeah, you may need to be mentored, so do I at my age, but the reality is there's a lot of those young guys that are actually mentoring younger guys, like, I know one guy, for an example, I invested in a young man, Thomas back when he was in high school. Thomas figured it out. And so then he started investing in Morgan.

Well, Morgan's now 19 and guess what he's doing? He's investing in the six, I call them the squirrely sixth grade boys at his church, right? Oh, yeah. With the commitment to be with them all the way through grade 12. So

Adam Gragg: that's, oh, wow. So he made that on his own. Yeah. He's like, I'm gonna

David Riffel: be, I'm gonna be I invested in Tom, Thomas.

Yeah. Thomas is invested in Morgan. Morgan's invested in these young guys. Mm

Adam Gragg: hmm. Wow. You know, so that's the show. I was kind of shocked to you. Yeah. He did this on his own. Light bulb. Yeah. That's cool.

David Riffel: That's what's so exciting. Yeah. A lot of times when these older guys come to a bootcamp, I get this deer in the headlights look like, what did I get [00:15:00] myself into?

Yeah. What I've usually figured out is about 90 percent of us old guys were never mentored.

Adam Gragg: The old guys, you mean like people over 40 kind of thing. Okay. Yeah.

David Riffel: We've never been mentored. You know, and so like, they, they have that own ache in their heart. They know they need something. They know they need to do this, but it's like, it's, they're just shaking in their boots.

When they start bootcamping, usually by the end, they're like, all right, I think we, with the Lord's help, I think we can get this done.

Adam Gragg: Yeah, well then if people, what is that all about? Like, people haven't been mentored, and they haven't had, so they haven't had a positive male role model in their life before that has helped walk with them?

Yeah. That's most people?

David Riffel: That's mostly. And as I go back, I keep borrowing John Eldridge for a couple things, but out of his Walter Hart book, he talks about this, but I always say there's two questions that every guy is asking from the time he's a toddler to the day he dies. You're asking it, I am, everybody is.

And that's, does anybody delight in me? And the other one is, do I have what [00:16:00] it takes? To be a man, so delight and validation and then delight one I break it down into three kind of sub questions. Am I seen? Does anybody really see me? Does anybody really hear me? Do they understand me? And does anybody really love me?

And a lot of times what happens is We're seeing, oh yeah, there's Dave, oh yeah, there's Adam. But we're really, nobody really takes the time to understand us. And that's what a lot of these young guys are really looking for. They really are. And on the validation part, it's, do I have what it takes to do the next step?

And young guys in life and that adulting. Yeah. Buy a car, ask that girl out, whatever it is, you know, that first job, how do I deal with my boss how do I leave mom and dad in a healthy way, just everything.

Adam Gragg: Because as I thought about just talking to you today, the impact of mentoring, because it [00:17:00] impacts the person that's mentoring, it impacts, there's a lot of Leadership stuff.

And I thought just because I'm really passionate about people overcoming fears, not that I've figured all that out. I remember that when I did, I did the mentoring, I met him through a big brothers, big sisters type program, you know, so, and I was really young. I mean, I was probably, well, I was 24. I mean, the guy, he, Robbie has the same exact birthday as me.

So I know exactly it's October 27th. I know it's just crazy, but. But I remember being, even though, I mean, I was terrified, it was, but I was also felt like after I started to build a relationship, I feel like I can, it was, I was like, I, I remember thinking I can have an impact on somebody's life. It was kind of like, wow, I mean, but it still felt like a total imposter really, you know, cause I was, I was not.

I, I had really made a lot of good changes at 24, but when I was 22, I really wasn't, I mean, I was, I was kind of living a party, crazy life, you know, like not. Yeah. And so there was that. So can you talk to me [00:18:00] about the fear that people being mentored have and the fear that people volunteering have and how all of that plays into things

David Riffel: here?

A lot of times on the mentor side, it's like, well, I don't have my act together.

Adam Gragg: So the person that's mentoring, you're saying,

David Riffel: yeah, right. I don't have my act together, so how can I mentor? I think all these failures I've done. I haven't had the best of a marriage, my finances are, and I'm like, and they keep rattling off this whole list

Adam Gragg: to me.

I gotta be perfect. I'm not good enough to do this. And so? Well, what's the minimum? I mean,

David Riffel: you know, you know, and I always say, you know, here's the deal, but in that struggle in your marriage and that struggle with your finances and that struggling to figure out a career and whatever those issues are, or even raising your own kids or whatever it is, have you in some way or another given that to God where you kind of give him some, he gives you some, you know, like, well, yeah, I've done it.

It seems like I've done it over and over. And I says, you're qualified. Mm hmm. Because the issue is not perfection. The issue is, how do we come alongside [00:19:00] the next generation, and how do we invest in them? I always think about this idea that the things that we experience today has an immediate, kind of a future midterm and a future long term effect.

It's almost like throwing a rock into the water and it has these ripple effects, you know? But I'm experiencing right now a failure in my life because of whatever. My wife and I had an argument, or whatever the issue is. But if I'm in that process of saying, God, you got to help me square up here on some things, that experience can then, maybe down the road, be brought into a conversation with a young man who's struggling with his girlfriend or whatever it is.

And so that's the, that's the awesome thing is that this will pay off. Dividends down the road. Probably to people I'll never even meet. Because that keeps you motivated. Yeah, that's what keeps me motivated. You see

Adam Gragg: it. You see like, you got a vision for it. Yeah. Keeps you going. [00:20:00] Yeah. There's

David Riffel: a verse in 1 Timothy talks about Paul has been, he's at the end of his life, he's been pouring his life into Timothy.

And he goes, Tim. The things that you've heard from me in the presence of many witnesses and trust of faithful men, we are going to be able to teach others. So Paul to Timothy, so four. And I could tell a story about a guy from 160 years ago that poured into somebody that's had an effect on me, you know?

Adam Gragg: You know, that is so interesting because I, I've met a guy at my, I live in an apartment complex and I met a guy there who he, he's like 30, you know, he's not like, I mean, I'm 50, I'm like 20 years older than him. And. We've started a relationship and he asked me the craziest questions sometimes, like, he asked me a question just about, because he knows I've, about marriage, he's never been married, and he's just asking me, like, what do you think about, like, leadership in the home and things like that, and like, what do you think about, but then the crazy thing, like, I was, last night I was actually [00:21:00] talking to the guy and, and then He was asking what I was doing with my job and everything.

And he gave me some really great feedback, like personally about content and stuff. So I was like, you know, but I didn't even, until we had this conversation, I've never really thought of that as a mentoring relationship. Yeah. Because I've always thought of it just like, okay, we have a friendship or whatever, but it really probably is a mentoring relationship.

David Riffel: Yeah. And here's something you touched on too. Mentoring is never a one way street. I mean, these guys, the young guys that I mentor, they, they, they teach me so much from how to shoot a gun and pick it out to whatever it is, you know? And I learn so much from them that's part of what I think a good mentor is.

He's teachable. It's not like, Hey, I A good mentor is teachable as well. I know everything. It's all figured out. No, I don't. like you said earlier, you're on a journey. God is about the business of fathering you, whatever age you're at, and to be teachable, no matter where you're at, to say, God, I don't have it all figured out, but you do and help me, help me so that maybe in turn, [00:22:00] what you're teaching me can help somebody else.

Hmm.

Adam Gragg: Yeah. It's, it is amazing how. That works, I think. So the fear, what kind of fear do you sense in the people being mentored in the connection process? And then what do you recommend people do with that fear

David Riffel: to work on it? I would say a lot of times the thing that I see is a fear of vulnerability.

Okay. What if David really knows everything about me? Is he going to at some point put his hand up and say, all right, because you're saying

Adam Gragg: you're, you're going to accept them, but really, will

David Riffel: you? Yeah. That's the issue.

Adam Gragg: Because I mean, if they, if they, they have to test it, right. To see if you're really going to

David Riffel: be there.

And I'm not trying to be, however, I don't know what the word I'm trying to say here, but you know, I met a guy the other day, who's going to join the bootcamp [00:23:00] and not even 30 minutes into our conversation. And he tells me about when he was sexually abused as a kid. Okay. And I'm thinking to myself, hey, I'm glad you're telling me that.

I mean, I'm sorry it happened, but I'm thinking why after 30 minutes of knowing me that he would be willing to dive that deep and start telling me things. You know, and it tells me part of it is, it's so pressing on them, they just can't, they've got to do something with it, you know, and you know, I'm no counselor, I'm just a guy, but I'm willing to listen and I'm willing to hopefully share some compassion and yeah, some good boundaries.

But I would say that fear of vulnerability, I like what one guy said in one of our bootcamps, he goes vulnerability is the most scariest thing that a man can do, but it is the most courageous thing that a man can do. So we, we've kind of dubbed [00:24:00] it courageous vulnerability. That's where, that's where we're headed.

Yeah.

Adam Gragg: So how did the guy shares that he had been abused as a kid and then what was your response to that? Just to give the audience an idea of what would a good response be to

David Riffel: that? I expressed empathy. Okay. I said, you know, I am so sorry that happened. And then I shared with them some things, just some verses in the Bible that really have helped me a lot.

Psalm 139, how God goes behind us. He is the one that can take the wounds and the pains and the things that we just, Oh man, I wish those things were not in my script of life, but they are. And he can do something awesome out of them. And he can use those to shape your manhood in ways that could never have been shaped.

So I tried to give him some hope. That's what I'm truly trying to do. Even through my own father wounds, you know, how God can take those things and make me [00:25:00] more into a man that I probably never was. And what do you mean

Adam Gragg: by father wounds? Because I think people might need some understanding of that. Yeah.

What's a father wound? Because there's, I mean, what's, what's the fatherless percentage in the United States? I mean, it's like, it's like the highest in the world. Yeah, I don't even know what it is. It's like, way, the kids that grew up without a father in the U. S. is incredibly high. It's

David Riffel: increasing. Yeah.

It's increasing and even, I would say, even in the church, the issue is maybe dad's there, but he's passive. He's not engaged. And I think just through not engaging, like I was saying, Not seeing, not understanding the heart of your son, and showing him that love. I think that creates kind of a distance there, it's like, well, I guess I'm on my own as a kid.

Gotta figure this out on my own. Gotta do it all, yeah. You know, and I think some of it is, you know, dad saying, well, nobody mentored me. I can share a story about how that changed, pivoted in me when [00:26:00] my son turned 10, you know, and it made a major difference in the relationship we now have, you know. Yeah, tell me about it.

So, first, my son Justin, he's, he was 10, and I'm like, man, those first 10 years went by so fast. I'm like, the next 10 years are gonna go by exponentially fast, you know what I'm saying? He could be 10 more years, he could be 20, he could be married. You know, and so like, I gotta, I gotta change this and I am not going to raise him the way I was raised passively.

So, and I spent 400 bucks, bought much camping gear, went down to the Coleman Factory Outlet store. And we just, first camp we camped was in the backyard, you know, with a rainstorm, kind of fun. And then we moved on to camping and doing other things. And then what I did was every two years, So don't make this sound like these were the only times I did it, but I did milestones at 10, 12, 14, 16, 18, and right before he got married at 21.

I did these manhood journeys with him. And what's really [00:27:00] cool is a lot more outdoor related, like outdoor backpacking adventures. One up in Canada with his best buddy 110 kilometer. Canoe trip, you know, when he's 14 and I've got some notes that I keep in my closet on my little shelf Of when he wrote me a note when I was he was 14 one that he wrote me when he was about 18 and then one he wrote me right before he got very new Excuse me when he was 21 and then the other one just the other day at Christmas when he's now he's 27 28 and he wrote me.

Mm hmm and the value of what he says in there about our Relationship is so much different That what it would have been when I was 28 with the relationship with my dad, you know, the healthiness

Adam Gragg: of it. And those, what is, what are things he references as being healthy? Well, you know,

David Riffel: like at 14, he's like, my dad's cool, hip.

He, he pushes his outdoor door when we're laid. He's got Funny things to say and facts and all this kind of stuff. And, [00:28:00] you know, and he's shown me a lot about integrity and those kinds of things. So even at 14, he was saying things. And then the most recent one, he wrote me at Christmas time. He said, dad, you know, I see the things that you're doing with Mentoring Warriors and the way you're investing in other young guys.

And it's such a encouragement. I just want you to know that I'm, I'm proud of you.

Adam Gragg: That's your

David Riffel: son? Yeah. And he said, thank you for teaching me. He's about ready to be a dad. And he goes, dad, thanks for showing me what it means to be an emotionally sensitive father. And he said, you're going to make a great grandpa someday too.

Oh, wow. That's

Adam Gragg: cool. Does that not pay off? Yeah, that

David Riffel: does pay off. So go buy 400 worth of camping gear or whatever it is and do something that he likes

Adam Gragg: to do. He said you had the heart attack 8 years ago? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. That

David Riffel: was a big deal. Big

Adam Gragg: deal. Big change right there. Yeah. How about girls here? Like.

Like. Because I mean, I have a daughter who's 17 and I think [00:29:00] that it's hard to be a dad sometimes. Like, I mean, I'm not perfect at it or anything, but I can, that's all I have, you know, as far as kids. Yeah. So we've done our, our trips have been a lot of trips and cool things and experiences and everything.

So I mean, I hear a lot of. Same stuff, right? Yeah. And, and so, but me being, being because I don't know, I look at my situation. I feel like I've been mentored by, professionally by some people for sure. I've also been, had people at times that have had short stints, you know, and my dad's alive and is a good, good guy and everything, you know, worked a lot, but I have had some.

But you know, I've also felt like there's been some things missing for me and had to get it, but you get it from all kinds of different people. But I don't know, can you speak to like the, the, the whole thing about where do, where do, where do raising little girls fit in this [00:30:00] picture or just, you know, I mean, we're not women obviously.

So, I mean, we can't speak to. Yeah.

David Riffel: Yeah, we have a, we have a daughter, Carissa. She's in her early 30s now. And I would say the thing for there is she is looking to her dad, to me, in a lot of ways to model, I'm modeling what kind of husband she needs to be looking for. Okay. You know? Yeah. She wants to know that, that she is the, and as a girl, she's a little girl, she's the princess.

That you adore her and that she has just those same, almost same questions, that delight. You see her heart. You understand her. You know, my daughter likes to write, you know, and, and so we, we share an affinity on that because of writing and things like that. And just just adoring her right now, she's, she's, they've got a, she's married and they have a little girl who's just a little over a year old, our first grandkid.

And I have just told her, I said, You're [00:31:00] making a, you're a great mom, you know, you're doing things. She needs to hear those words of affirmation, you know, learn what their love language is, spend time with them, take them on daddy daughter dates, you know, even at 17, you know, even at 31, she's going to want to, she's a busy girl, busy mom, but she wants that investment, you know.

And eventually our granddaughter is going to be looking for a guy. Down the road. Right. And a lot of it is how healthy is that father daughter relationship? Yeah,

Adam Gragg: that's a big deal. And I know I've made You know, you just don't know totally how to do it. You learn as you go Oh, yeah, it's just kind of one of those things but you know, it's hard to not second guess yourself at times

David Riffel: Like yeah, and I think the big thing too if is kids know you're gonna mess up And just be honest with them to say, Hey, dad didn't do it.

Great. Would [00:32:00] you forgive me? And a lot of times they're apt, they're quick, they're quick to forgive.

Adam Gragg: Yeah. So question two is how has your professional, what's your professional background and how has that impacted or how does it play into the mentoring process or could it play into

David Riffel: the mentoring process?

Yeah. So I'm an architect and obviously there's some career mentoring that needs to go on. One of the ways our, our business is structured is we want to invest in those young upcoming architects, those graduates, because down the road, we want to see the ones that rise and would learn to take ownership in the company because we have a succession plan, just even on a financial business side to buy me out.

You know, okay, so I want them to be successful. So there are times we're working on a project. I'm overseeing it, but I've got a Intern architect and you know what he comes up with a better design idea than me So instead of me getting my ego all bent out of [00:33:00] shape. I'm like, you know what? If the client likes your idea far better than mine, more power to you because that means you will take more ownership of that design and eventually it's going to make you more successful and when you're more successful, it makes the company more successful.

So that's kind of my attitude in. We've actually done some things with the local school district here with several different high schools too, where we do career days where we try to do some mentoring and try to get young, young high school students introduced into architecture. Do

Adam Gragg: you have anything formal for your business with the new

David Riffel: architects?

Well, we, we try to get them all set up and then there's a, an AIA, American Institute of Architects. Internship program. We have to formalize it. Yeah. Supervisor kind of thing. Yeah, you know, so they can earn their credits and be able to take the exam and all that kind of stuff too. But bottom line, a lot of the principles I use in Mentoring Warriors applies.

Adam Gragg: To your job as, as [00:34:00] well. Oh yeah. Yeah. And so what are the thing, what are the, so you mentioned social skills beginning here. It's like the kids or that the young. Men are learning or they're struggling with social skills. What are the social skills that they lack or that you see them lacking? Because I would imagine that'd be professionally as well.

David Riffel: Right. So there's four levels we talk about in relationships. The first one, I've labeled it superficial. And if I had to rewrite the book, I call it discovery phase, but it's more weather talk. Oh, you like the chiefs too? You know, Hey, did you hear the just one super book? You know, like commonalities and so many guys just hang there.

Well, at some point, you've got to kind of break that glass floor or that glass ceiling, we'll call it, and get a little more authentic. Hey, you know what? I've just had a rough day. Maybe you as the mentor say, you know, I've just had a rough day or I've had a rough week. Just kind of, you know, kind of break some glass or ceiling, break some glass in there.

So they're like, yeah, you too, me too, you know, kind of thing. And then after authenticity, we talk about being more transparent. And [00:35:00] then after that, we talk about that vulnerability. Okay. And the idea is, you may have a thousand guys up at the superficial, but by the time you get down to vulnerability, you may only have a few.

It's a funnel, huh? It's a funnel. Yeah. And most men, as Dan Allender says, most men live an unexamined life. They have never dealt with some of those things down here that need to be dealt with. Yeah.

Adam Gragg: And Dan Allender is a, for those who don't know, he's a big, I don't know, he's probably written the best books I've ever read on childhood sexual trauma out of anybody that, you know, very impactful.

Yeah. He's a good guy. Good perspective, unique perspective on that. Man, there are a lot of different questions here. I got, I got to ask you one, though, is, so if somebody who is thinking about mentoring professionally or personally, and they're doubting themselves, and they're doubting what they have to offer, what is one thing that you'd want them to remember the most about the

David Riffel: process?

Take it one step at a [00:36:00] time. and know that you can do it, but you need to have somebody that you're kind of connected with in the process. That's helping you do it. So they know. I, I'm not an advocate of Lone Ranger mentors. No. Okay. Get networked in. How would they find somebody that would help? Well, obviously through mentoring warriors, we can get you connected through some people.

Particularly if you're in this region, if you're in another state, we can still get you connected up, but you need to have somebody that you can kind of. Have hold you accountable to, and I say that in a good way, accountability, because you're gonna run into issues like this is above my pay grade.

I don't know how to mentor this young guy, this young person through this. What do I do? So you gotta have kind of some resource people that you can go to

Adam Gragg: and there are organizations out there that will help you to do that. So you can go do it through an organization. Yeah. That does provide a great deal of accountability, right?

Yeah. And is resources in the process. Okay. That's cool. I think that'll be helpful. And so where do you want to see, where do you see it in the next five years, Mentoring

David Riffel: Warriors? [00:37:00] Well, I'm at a stage of my career where I'm going to be probably retiring, or as they call it, graduating from my career. And so my hope is to start doing more of this full time.

And the cool thing is my wife, she is just awesome with mentoring young women. And so it really has given both of us a shared passion. And so one of the things we'd like to do under the umbrella of mentoring wars is start bringing in a side for the women's type of ministry. I don't know what we're going to call it yet, warriorettes, or I don't know what we're going to do yet, but that's one of the things we're going to do.

That's, that excites me. And there's a whole bunch of other, you know, stuff that we want to do to start training other guys to do boot camps in their cities. Because this need for mentoring is not just common to here. It's, it's pervasive. It's everywhere.

Adam Gragg: Is there, is there more of a need for men than women you think?

David Riffel: I think probably percentage wise women have more apt because of their relational aspects to have that, [00:38:00] but I think with men there's a great deficit. Okay. Yeah, and in typical metro areas about seven and a half percent of the population are young guys between 18 and 30, and only about two to four percent really have a mentor.

So there's a, there's a great need. Now some of those guys could care less About having a mentor. Yeah, but those that do they just latch on to it

Adam Gragg: So, how could somebody get in touch with

David Riffel: you who's interested? So the best thing to do is they can go to our website mentoring warriors. com Okay, the contact sheet and just pull something out and get a

Adam Gragg: hold of us right there for David Riffle And what's the name of your book?

Can you tell us? Mentoring Warriors. Mentoring Warriors. Okay, how would they buy that

David Riffel: or get access? They can get it on the, on the website or they go through Amazon Go through

Adam Gragg: Amazon. Okay, cool. I'm not done with you yet. I got one thing that's my favorite part of the having a guest on.

All right. I want to put you on the hot seat. Okay. All right. This will be fun. But I wanted to mention one thing too, is that Chad, if you [00:39:00] found this podcast helpful, you know, you know how to reach. David, and I highly encourage you to do that. I also encourage you to, if you're interested, to check out Shatterproof Yourself Lite.

And this has seven steps to improve your mental health. There are small things you can do that as a company, it's a company team, it's a 20 minute video and a worksheet to go through. And these are things that I've just gleaned that have helped me and I think you'll find it extremely helpful. So you don't want to miss that.

And that's the only way to get access to it is through Decide Your Legacy website and being on my subscriber list. Really encourage you to do that. And so here's the, here's the thing, I, I love when people face their fears and figure out what their fears are. So I, I love when people see breakthroughs and clarity.

And so a lot of people listening to this podcast, I mean, you never know what their clarity's gonna be. Mm-Hmm. . I mean, it's like, wow, I can mentor like that can be like, you, you, because I love, I love hearing that stuff. Like I listen to your podcast, right. I feel like I can do this now. Mm-Hmm. , you know, or like, I feel for some reason Mm-Hmm.

that was it. I know I've wanted to invest in people's lives more at work, but now I know that I really need someone else who's. [00:40:00] Walking with me through the process, like somebody helping me so I'm not just totally alone or whatever. So if you were going to make one big change in your life, personally and professionally, over the next six months, what might that change be?

What is something you want to work on? You want to make a change

David Riffel: with? That's a good question. What change would I like to make?

You got, you threw me on this one. Okay. So I think of a couple things. One would be on the more emotional side, expressing more joy. Expressing more joy

Adam Gragg: to other people in life. Okay.

David Riffel: So, probably increasing my gratitude quotient, you know? Okay. Yeah. So that would be one. Okay. So I think that'd be one, one thing I would like to see change, and that can affect work and everything.

Adam Gragg: Sure. Sure. So anything else you've thought of too? That can be it. I just seem to not get something else on your mind as well. No, I think that's part of it. Okay, so [00:41:00] gratitude, quotient, expressing more joy. So what makes that a significant thing for you to work on?

David Riffel: Because I think sometimes I've always kind of been, and this is probably go back to one of those father wounds.

Okay. The glass is always half empty. as opposed to the glass is half full. Okay. You know, and so realizing that when I face a wall or I face a situation, I know God's there to help me, right? I know he's put people around me, but to be more grateful. For that situation and that challenge that I'm in, as opposed to like, oh man, here we go again.

Yeah, so a little more. Okay, God Thank you that I get to face this. As difficult as this may become, but thank you. Be grateful. Be

Adam Gragg: grateful for it. Okay, so then how would you know if you made a big change? Well, actually before that, so how would you like it to be in six months? Ideally, like realistically, but like if, if you had, you [00:42:00] had, you know, the gratitude quotient was increasing significantly, you know, a realistic change, what would that look like?

How would you know?

David Riffel: I think more willingness to enjoy myself in certain social situations, not feel like I can't just be out there. That'd be one. The other one kind of related to my health and my heart would be increasing health, better health. You would

Adam Gragg: have better health if you had more gratitude because it improves your health.

Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah. And what are the social situations that you would be able to just kind of let

David Riffel: loose in? So, you know, I'm an introvert. So, when you're in a big crowd, like, I don't know anybody here. What am I going to do? One thing I have learned, if you just kind of walk up to somebody and maybe, you know, introduce yourself, say, Tell me your story.

Oh, that usually opens people up. The next thing you know, you go through that whole layers of social superficial down. That's cool. And it's very interesting how that's helped me, but be better at that.

Adam Gragg: Tell [00:43:00] me your story. It's one of your go to questions for a stranger. Yep. Do you have people to shut down with that too, though?

Like too often, not too often. People are eager to tell their story. Yeah. Okay. So, so the next question is, is like how, what have you done in the past that has helped you with that? That maybe you don't do now. What I've done in the past.

David Riffel: Yeah. Hmm.

That's a good question. I don't know how to answer that. What about, I can tell you things I've done in the past where shortly after my heart surgery, large groups like that would, would just, I'd be suffocated. I just have to leave, even if for a few minutes to get out there and just kind of, all right, I go back in again.

And I'm less that way now. Okay. I'm

Adam Gragg: less that way. So then, so what you've done in the past is you've just gone and done it basically. Yeah. And you just decided to not listen to that emotion. Yeah. Voice, whatever that thing is. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Is, and so what ideas do you have that you think, ah, I could try that, or that might help or whatever.

Someone else has done that. Or you read it somewhere. I don't know. I mean, [00:44:00] you know, who knows, but what

David Riffel: ideas do you have? Well, like I said, that first one, just, just go ahead and walk up to somebody because, you know, most often those social situations, they're either not wanting to be there either. Or they are as just nervous, you know, and they're just waiting for somebody to come and talk to them.

Yeah. And so I'm like, okay, maybe there's some divine providence here. I'll go talk to that person and see

Adam Gragg: what happens. Hey, that's cool. I like that. So if you had a really good friend ask you for advice saying, you know, I want to increase my gratitude quotient and what would be like your one or two best pieces of advice for

David Riffel: them?

Well, one of them, I was talking to a guy the other day because we were talking about this issue about he has a really hard time extending grace to himself. And he was going on a ski trip to go, he was going to go snowboarding. I said, I guarantee you, you're probably going to fall more than you want, right?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. But I said, I want you to come back and text me three different ways that you've shown grace to yourself.

Adam Gragg: Oh, wow. Just try that. Just be [00:45:00] aware of it.

David Riffel: Just be more aware of that, you know. Cool. What's another piece of advice? Hmm. So that one and, and what else have I done? Kind of encourage people sometimes what I'll do is I may text them maybe a verse of the Bible and just say, Hey, think about this and maybe tell me how you think this might impact your situation.

You know, just some, just something to get them kind of off dead center a little bit, just to pivot a little bit and to think about maybe something from a different perspective. And I need you guys speaking to me in that way too, you know, to challenge me. Dave, have you thought about this? Have you thought about that?

Adam Gragg: Mmm, okay. That's what a mentor does too. Yeah. That's what you're doing.

David Riffel: Get them on. Because one of my, one of my defaults is, I call myself consistent. My wife says I'm boring sometimes. Because I do, I'm a very Very methodical and sometimes I need to break out of that.

Adam Gragg: So you got to stop being an architect?

Yeah. In your personal life? Yeah. Is that right? [00:46:00] Yeah. Alright. There's a place for it, there's a place not for it. Right. Got it. Yep. That's, that's there's a lot of stereotypes with like engineers, architects, accountants, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That kind of thing. But we don't, we have stereotypes because they have some hidden Truth to them.

Right. Right. But we just can't go to the extreme. Right. Right. So it's like, yeah. You know, I mean, so, last question then. What is it that you want to apply? Did you hear yourself say or anything? And any, what's one piece of inspiration from this little brief conversation that you might wanna apply based on adding gratitude to your life?

David Riffel: I would say that probably that that piece of gratitude would be more willing to not only just internalize and say it to myself, but to express that to particularly the person that may be involved.

Adam Gragg: Immediately involved. Yeah. And you know, is there a goal you could set for

David Riffel: that? There probably would be like for an example at work that maybe at least once a day, if I noticed something with an employee of mine, that's really like, Hey,

Adam Gragg: great job.

You like tell them that. Just tell them. So how often a [00:47:00] week do you do that?

David Riffel: Well, I think I do it now, but maybe not every day.

Adam Gragg: All right. Some more discipline to actually know, I appreciate that. And like that's, yeah, very cool. So, okay. Well, hey, let's go ahead and wrap things up here. I really appreciate all the stuff on mentoring here and relationally.

It has a big impact when we. realize that it's not about us. And that's the one thing I think about. It's like, you know, this, at times where I make it about me, I get pretty, pretty miserable, you know, not, not, and at times where I see that there's a bigger picture, doesn't have to be perfect. I don't have to be perfect.

I'm going to make mistakes. I'm going to just takes the pressure off and you realize how you can have an impact. So I want to go ahead and just challenge you. What are, as I asked David earlier, so what is your one takeaway from today? And that you want to apply and to remind you that if you're going to make changes in your life, 80 percent is taking some kind of action, doing something different.

So you look and you say, you know, David told [00:48:00] me he wants to encourage people more at his office. And maybe that even translates into encouraging people just more in his life. If he sets a very specific goal of one time a day, that's going to have, that's, but then he has to apply it. I don't know if he'll apply it or not.

I should probably call him in a week and see if he's applied it, you know, or maybe you could just send me or Adam an email saying, here's what I'm doing. There's some level of accountability with that. And then you can even see how it starts changing your life. So one little change and one little incremental change can make a big difference.

That may not be a big thing. Maybe he's already doing it five times a week and he's going to do it seven times a week. 1 percent improvement. A day is a significant improvement over a year. So what thing do you want to apply? Maybe it's you want to start getting involved in Mentoring Warriors. You want to read the book.

You want to read a book. I don't care. Whatever it is, but take some kind of an action. And it's going to be an emotional risk. So a plan that we engage in consistently is 100 times better. then the perfect plan that we never actually apply or take action on. We want to engage in something. So what resonated with you today and, you know, do me a [00:49:00] favor, give me a rating and review on Apple or Spotify, review your podcast content, the Decide Your Legacy podcast.

It helps it grow and to reach more people organically. And so if you don't know what that means. It just starts popping up in people's feeds, the more people that are actually liking it and giving it some feedback. And so that people can find it randomly. Maybe it's a local, regional thing and they discover a podcast.

But the goal for me is to help people face their fears and to get it out there so people can see that they can have an impact on other people's lives. You know, from this podcast, you can face your fears and do some cool things with your life. So I'm going to sign off the way that I always do. So make it your mission to live the life now that you want to be remembered for 10 years after you're gone.

So you decide your legacy, no one else. I appreciate you greatly, appreciate David for being here, Mentoring Warriors, and I'll talk to you very soon. Thank you. [00:50:00]