Ep109_relax
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Adam Gragg: [00:00:00] A question that I often ask clients when they come into my office for a coaching session is, what's on your mind? Or what do you want to work on today? What do you want to make progress on in your life? And a lot of them know I'm going to ask that question, so they've thought in advance what they want to discuss.

and deal with. And so a client recently, in fact last [00:01:00] week, he said, I want to learn how to relax. The guy's doing well, he does well professionally, he's a great father, great, a lot of good things happening, but he wants to know how to relax more in stressful, triggering types of situations. So we talked about it, and I asked him what had been helpful in the past and what had been helpful recently that he had done, and maybe he could do more of that, basically.

And so he had told me that. Cause he stopped and thought about the question for a while, which I find that if I ask a pretty good question, the client's going to stop and ponder. And then he came up with this idea that, Hey, I think I relax better when I'm take more initiative to engage my coworkers at work.

And when I plan things with my kids to engage my kids in their lives, rather than having my wife do it or having someone else give me the idea when I make the plans and I go ahead and do it and follow through. I was fascinated. Made sense to me. So I thought today's episode would be great to talk about relaxation, and I'm going to discuss four, my [00:02:00] four favorite relaxation activities for me personally.

Thought about it and inspired by this conversation with my client last week. So four favorite relaxation activities. This is episode number 109 of the Decide Your Legacy podcast. I'm your host, Adam Gragg. And I've been a coach and content creator, speaker, and mental health professional for 25 years. My passion is to help people find the self confidence and clarity with their lives that's going to propel them to Face big fears and propel them to start living their legacy.

To think about it now and live it now. So I talk about stuff I struggle with myself. I don't always relax. In fact, it's a challenge every day, almost, for me. Yet I do a pretty good job sometimes. I do a pretty good job every day as well at relaxing. Better and better. So I don't have it all figured out. I'm a fellow traveler, just like my clients, just like my listeners.

I want to share something uncomfortable that I did recently. I do this every episode because I don't [00:03:00] feel like much is more important than. To your mental health and facing your fears, and I don't feel like much is more damaging to your mental health than playing it safe. So, I went on a date on Saturday, and so I did something different.

I didn't overthink things. I just let go and went and had fun, and it really was a positive experience. So, I met a great person. person. I I wasn't totally relaxed all the time, but there were times when I was relaxed, but the cool thing I did is I just didn't let myself overthink.

I didn't give myself time to overthink. You know, I had a client recently asked me, how can I not worry about mistakes I made in the past? And we discussed the difference between just letting go and trying not to think. There's very, Distinct difference. Trying not to think. It's like if you try not to think about something, you try not to worry, you're probably going to be drawn more into your worry.

If you let go, you're just getting involved into something else. And you're not actually focusing on not doing something. You're focusing on letting go of whatever it is [00:04:00] you're being pulled towards. So you're getting distracted from that thing that could consume you. And that's what I did. And I thought it was really cool.

And a success. So this is the podcast that you do not just listen to. So my listeners, you get uncomfortable too. I want you to start with an action and I want you to start thinking about something that you can do when you are triggered that can help you to start relaxing. It could be a distracting type.

Activity, but it's going to take your mind from not trying so hard to not think about something to letting go and engaging a positive in your life. So write down what some of your ideas are. Write down or speak into your phone what some ideas are that have, or some things that you've done in the past that might actually work.

Like for my client, he said, as he thought about it, that when I engage my co workers intentionally, it ends up Creating a situation where I let go [00:05:00] and I just relax. You're not trying so hard. You know, socially, for me, if I'm anxious socially, I know that if I try not to look uncomfortable or if I try not to be nervous, I'm going to become more anxious and more nervous if I decide intentionally to engage people and to be curious and to not focus on myself, but to focus on them and getting to know them and what's going on in their life and what kind of You know, good things are happening in their life.

Then I find that it's a positive experience. It may not be for 10, 15 minutes, but it eventually becomes one where it's not focused on me and it's focused on giving back. It's focused on something else outside of myself, which is always very beneficial for me. So what is, because when you think of relaxation, I hear the term often of mindfulness and mindfulness, I, I don't know exactly how to define it technically.

I can say one definition I've seen is that it's a state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment while calmly [00:06:00] acknowledging and accepting your feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations. And, you know, mindfulness is a clinical therapeutic type technique. So, what I like to think of, what I think of mindfulness is letting go.

Letting go of the control my mind can actually have. It's learning how to not be so focused on my mind and give my mind so much power. And so to me, it's that distracting type activity. I engage in something that's productive. So there's dysfunctional ways of relaxing and there's productive functional ways of relaxing.

You know, I think a dysfunctional way of relaxing is going to be something that is used to avoid. Anything that's more important for you to focus on. So you're using something to distract yourself from actually facing your problems and you're avoiding it instead. So any of those isms, so workaholism, alcoholism, nicotine, drugs, pornography, those can all be utilized as dysfunctional ways of relaxing.

You know, binging, eating, you can go down the list of things that you use as [00:07:00] Distractions to pull you away from the most important things for you to focus on. Some functional ways of relaxing. I mean, you can overdo functional ways of relaxing and make them dysfunctional as well. So a functional way of relaxing could be something fun, but you abuse it and you do it too much, it becomes a way.

That is dysfunctional because it's pulling you away from other things that you can focus on. No, we're going to talk about functional ways to learn how to relax today. And my four favorite, aren't you excited? Four favorite things, things that I go to. And this is what I would encourage you to do. And I want to link to an article for you to reference here.

It's on overcoming brain lock, which means you're getting stuck in your head. And it's some of my favorite ways to overcome brain lock. I'm going to discuss some of these today, but hit the link and you can check out that article that I wrote for you to get more content. So number one, my four favorite ways to relax.

Number one, this is not in any specific order. It's Things that help me. So learning helps me to relax. So when I stop [00:08:00] reading consistently, it is a sign that I am starting to get off track with my mental health. Well, with my coping in healthy ways. When I stop reading consistently, it is a extremely important part of me staying in a good place and away from my worries, away from my fears.

And by learning, I'm growing, I'm engaging some kind of content to grow. And I can utilize YouTube content in a dysfunctional way or a functional way. When I have something specific that I want to learn about, like I want to learn about a new piece of software that I utilize for growing my business, like Kajabi.

Well, it's, a tool, basically, or I want to learn how to better care for an aging dog, like my 15, 14 year old Gordon setter Max, or I want to learn how to better take care of my fish, or better take care of my car, you know, and I learn a [00:09:00] skill and I watch it on YouTube, that can be really positive for me.

And learning new skills can be positive. So it's helped me to know in advance that here's some content that when I'm starting to feel stressed I can engage and it's going to help me to focus on the right stuff. So personal finance at times has been very helpful for me to learn about. It's been very helpful for me to learn about relationships at times.

It's something that I want to learn about and grow. In that specific area, so what can you do? Some actions you can take to work on this is you can have a list of content that you want to learn about. You know, what is it? And start saving videos, adding them to your watch later list in YouTube. Creating a list of books that you would like to read or and a list of magazines that you would find helpful.

I like magazines because they can help you to learn about something you're passionate about. in a specific area and it can be fairly light. So I like to hike. So, and I like [00:10:00] magazines that relate to the outdoors and I like magazines that relate to business. And so by reading and flipping through a magazine like Entrepreneur Magazine or a magazine like There's a variety of them that I like, but that can be helpful for me.

So I want you to create your own list. And this is what you can engage. I do find that eBooks, when I run across one, that's maybe free giveaway or something that I find helpful. I can purchase them as well, but having those on my list to engage and then having books, having, always having a book that I'm reading that I can engage in.

And then if you want to go to the next level, you keep that list handy, or you keep that reading material somewhere where you're going to see it frequently. So you come home and you notice that on your nightstand is a magazine that you find inspiring, that you can read and it's light, or you leave the book that you want to read after work on your bench.

in your entryway so you're reminded to read that later. So [00:11:00] you're creating and you're starting to help things go downhill rather than uphill. You start a new habit like reading or learning and it might feel like uphill moving at first, but then as you do it over time and you create an environment that has less resistance, it becomes easier for you to engage in.

So the second thing, second action, relaxation technique that I find most helpful is exploring. And again, it's not in any particular order, but exploring, it's related to learning, but it has more action to it. So I think of hiking as exploring, or going to a small town as exploring. I can see learning as exploring too, but I have, since I was a young person, younger, in my 20s, I've enjoyed garage sales and it's the exploration factor that I love because I might find a deal there or I could even meet somebody there that, see a friend there, I could find [00:12:00] an idea or some inspiration looking at somebody else's stuff.

You know, I'm not going to say junk because one man's junk is another man's treasure, right? It's the exploration part of going to antique shops. It's the exploration part of going on runs in areas where I haven't ran before. So going on a run that is like I went on a couple weeks ago on Keystone Lake in Oklahoma in this old growth forest.

It was a seven mile run. It was a blast. I mean, I got to go and explore some new terrain. It was very cold, but just the trip down there was fun with my buddy Dave. And the trip back was fun. Went to a really cool restaurant in Tulsa that I wouldn't have gone to had I not done this run. And it was just a fun experience.

I love that kind of stuff. So I want to explore. I remember when I went out to Lake Como and we planned on a bunch of hikes around the lake with the group that I was with. And then we stopped at little towns. along Lake Como, little Italian towns that were old. It was really awesome thing. So, and I'm going to go potentially run on a race in Americus, Kansas in the Flint Hills.

And it's going to [00:13:00] be, I think, a 10 or 15K, just a little tiny Podunk town, but about 300 people will be at the race and kind of be a fun thing to go do as well. Something I did recently is I put in a bid ad. to do Half Dome again in Yosemite. And that was exciting because we didn't actually, me and my buddy Alan, who I hiked Half Dome with a year and a half ago, decided we wanted to do it again.

And so really cool thing. I'd like to actually go backpacking in hopefully the little Yosemite Valley if we can get one of these passes. They're highly treasured things that you get in the lottery system, but I'm really excited and hopeful because we're putting in bids every opportunity we can to get.

something to get our pass to go in and do some backpacking. Super exciting for me, but what can you do? That's an action for you to take is plan some exploration into your life. Some simple things. It could be that you're going to just go shopping for something new. And you're not going to buy anything, but you're just going to [00:14:00] go explore.

Maybe it's a new kind of bike that you might buy in the future or some skis that you might buy or some boots. By the way, I'm thinking about going skiing because Lake Tahoe got like a, I can't really cuss on this podcast, but they got a. But low to snow, and it'd be really fun to go. I think like over 10 feet at some places, that's crazy.

Maybe that's it, maybe that's at the top of the hills, but, or the mountains, but I mean, a lot of snow. Probably gonna be skiing until May or June in California, where I'm from, right there. So kind of fun. But how can you plan some exploration into your life? What does that mean? What does that look like?

That we don't often look at as something that is a mindfulness or a relaxation activity, but it is. So another client had told me that he went on this kind of exploration adventure with his spouse recently, and they basically just went to some cool Parks in town and walked around parts of the parks that they hadn't actually walked around [00:15:00] before and they found it Just like a blast and I was inspired by it because I learned some things as well because you never know Unless you go out there and explore and I don't it could be exploring new restaurants.

It could be exploring New groups of people trying something new, but it's going to be scary and it's going to be helpful as well. Here's a little secret about building self confidence is that the adventure and the challenge to build self confidence is never actually going to end. You're always going to have an opportunities to build it.

It's an expansion process. So if you look at your little circle right now and there's things that you're comfortable doing inside your circle. So think of a circle in your mind and inside there you have like. Certain things you're fairly comfortable with. You have friends you're comfortable with, you have family members you're comfortable with, you have activities that you're comfortable with, you have places that you're comfortable.

You know, it could be your church goes in there. It could be certain activities like hiking or your best friends, your family, your parents, you whoever there, but that's in your circle of [00:16:00] comfort right there. And those things were not always there because at some point you got outside of your circle because they weren't in there to be.

to meet new friends. At some point, you've grown in the process and you've expanded. So outside that circle, there are going to be things, the next right thing that are going to challenge you to grow. And so the challenge is for you to go and find that next thing and to engage it. So if it's, you're going to go to a new restaurant or try some new activity, or you're going to learn a new skill or read a new book, but it's outside of where you're comfortable, that's going to help you expand.

So you're expanding and growing more self confidence as you do it. The crazy part about building self confidence is you're not going to feel confident at first. In fact, it's going to feel like 10 percent harder than, or like you don't have, you know, you're lacking the skills by a certain percentage to actually execute in that area.

You're going to feel like you can't do it, but you can, you're just going to feel like you can't, and then you're going to do it anyway. Amazing. But. Very cool, very exciting. So if you have found [00:17:00] this podcast helpful or any other Decide Your Legacy podcast, I would highly encourage you to hit the link to Shatterproof Yourself Lite.

So I've put together this 20 minute video and a four page worksheet that you complete while you watch the video. And these are seven small steps to making progress. in your mental health. So seven small steps to a giant leap in your mental health. These are things you can apply today. And some of my favorite activities, some of the favorite things that I engage in with clients to help them over 25 years as a mental health professional that I'm giving to you that you're going to find helpful.

You can share it with your friends. It's free. You can only get it by signing up for the Decide Your Legacy newsletter, e newsletter, and that's for you to check out right away. Love for you to check that out, Shatterproof Your Self Light, hit the link. So number three, here we go, the third [00:18:00] relaxation activity that I find extraordinarily helpful for me is writing, putting pen to paper, journaling, journaling gratitude.

Answering questions, journaling prompts, answering questions about myself, answering questions that are inspiring, writing down a budget, writing down a list, writing down my schedule, putting things down on paper in an organized fashion. Very helpful for me. It gets my anxiety channeled into something productive.

It takes My worry away from those things I can't control. It puts my attention on something I can have some influence over, and then I can start taking some kind of action. I've watched this with my daughter over most of her life, that when she starts to create, whether as a young girl, it was artwork. Or, at a very young age, she started to write stories.

She started to write short stories. She's been excited about reading since she was very young. I remember once when she read the Twilight series each book, like, three or [00:19:00] four times, and The Hunger Games, like, two or three times, and Divergent, and all these. interesting sci fi type thrillers and she was into Little House on the Prairie and The Hobbit and Chronicles of Narnia.

All these cool things I've read to her since she was a really young little girl. We've had a great time doing that but I've seen her over the years as she focuses on writing. And she focuses on creating that her anxiety decreases and she starts to light up, you know, I know when I look at her, when she's in a creative space, I can look at her and it's just like a different person.

She's relaxed. She's confident. It's not like she's not like that in other situations as well. She is. Emerson's a great, wonderful person. She, Like me, can, I mean, I can struggle, just like anybody listening right now, I mean, there's nobody that can't relate to the fact that we can get consumed and worry at times, things that are outside of our control, so the point is, is when you write things down in a journal, and you write, whatever, create a poem, write a poem, it's going to start to take that energy Put it into something much more productive and actually turn it into [00:20:00] some relaxation.

So an action you can take, this is something that I find and want to challenge each of you to do, is to create, to write down a tip sheet on an area of expertise that you have. It's your job or a hobby or a passion, but something where you have a level of knowledge that's more advanced than other people.

It doesn't have to be so advanced that you consider yourself an expert, although you might be an expert in some areas. You might be an expert and not even think you are an expert. So I want you to create a tip sheet. And this is, we're just going to say, because I love the number seven, because it reminds me you don't have to be perfect.

It's on a scale of one to 10. It's okay to be a seven, be yourself. And I want you to list seven, like a seven. Things I wish I would have known, or seven tips about this topic, seven things to consider and give you some examples. So if you are a podcast engineer, you would say seven things I wish I would have learned about podcasting before [00:21:00] I started my business, or seven things I wish I would have learned about marriage before I got married, seven things I would have learned about parenting before I got, before I became a parent, seven things I wish I would have learned about refining.

Oil, I don't know, whatever, you can decide, you know, camping, hiking, fishing, seven tips, and you start writing that list. Exciting, you have information you could give to somebody else. But the point is, is that you're going to start creating this list. And you're going to see that you have something to give back, and that's going to help you to relax.

So for my one client I mentioned at the very beginning, who he had shared about how he is having trouble relaxing, he could have and make a list of seven ways to engage your coworkers. And he may not even share that list with anybody else. Although I would encourage him to do that, I would encourage all of you with your expertise.

So if you're in real estate. It's 7 ways to close a deal, 7 ways to get a new client, 7 ways to enjoy your job, 7 ways [00:22:00] to not enjoy your job. Well, that's going like to the anti, which does pique people's curiosity. So, 7 ways to be miserable on your job or to be miserable as a doctor, to be miserable as a nurse.

Those are all creative things you can make lists about and then you can share them with somebody else. You could start your own blog. post. I mean, you can start your own blog. You could just share it with like 20 of your closest friends or coworkers, ask for some feedback. That is a risk. That's a scary thing.

You're getting some feedback at that point. So I would encourage even I got, I'm just going to call some people out right now. I mean, you kind of know who you are, but I'm going to encourage my friend who, well, who has a podcast to make a list like this. I'm going to encourage my friend who does. Well, let me think here.

People that own businesses, an attorney. Okay, a number of my friends are attorneys. I mean, what, in your specific law area, make some kind of tip sheet. Here's how you can work on estate planning on your own before you talk to your estate planner for the first time to create your. You're what a state, you know, seven things to [00:23:00] consider before you organize your documentation or you talk to your family about your will here.

You have knowledge that you can give back to other people and it's going to give you a sense of purpose and passion and joy in your life. I can almost guarantee it. I can't totally guarantee it because some of you might be really grouchy out there, but I can almost guarantee it that I've over time. As you do that, you're going to find that helping others is going to help you to relax as well.

And finally, the fourth way to relax and to work on relaxing is being around other relaxed people. People that you know support you, people that you know are on your side. These may even be people that you know yet, but you know it's an environment where there's a lot of people that are on your side.

That is one of the reasons why 12 step groups can be so incredibly helpful is because you're around people who also are very passionate about the area of growth where you're struggling. So if you're wanting to stop and you're going to a 12 step group on [00:24:00] dealing with an eating disorder, well, you're also around other people who are struggling, who are wanting to work on that part of their life as well.

And so you're going to find it inspiring to be around these people who are like minded in that way with you. So finding opportunities to be around good people. You're going to get new ideas. You're going to be able to reframe your struggles because they're going to give you feedback on whatever it is you're going through.

Potentially, you're going to be around people who are growing. I find that as I connect with other people, I'm more apt to laugh. I'm less apt to laugh, kind of belly laugh, crazy laugh when I'm just by myself watching some Netflix special, you know, on by a comedian. I mean, I do find that really helpful.

It's also something I like to do to relax for a half hour here and there, but being around good people. So finding ways to connect. And so for you, my challenge would be that you go out and find a group that you can connect with consistently. So I'm getting ready tomorrow to start a legacy group, which is a coaching group that I [00:25:00] have.

And these are people who meet in person and some over Zoom as well. And they, We do build connection. Everybody in there is wanting to make some major life change over the next 90 days. And they're engaging in the group in a vulnerable way to get feedback and support and accountability. And so this is one action you can take being involved in some kind of support group.

I don't know what it is. It's not necessarily this legacy group. It could be possibly, I think there's one or two slots open. Well, there won't be by the time you listen to this podcast, but I'm going to be forming these consistently. It's not something, it's something I've done before, and I haven't actually done it for strangers.

I usually have done these in the past. I did it for one company's sales team and I've done them for, and had them with groups of friends before in the past, but it's a great opportunity for you to consider getting involved in some type of group like that. If it's not a Decide Your Legacy legacy group.

It's some like Vistage is one [00:26:00] that I'm fond of, and I'm part of a group called the Q, which is a bunch of business owners that we meet once a month for a full day for accountability and challenge. And it's relaxing. It's stressful at times, but overall it's relaxing. I feel inspired and energized. So how can you better connect?

And it could be connecting with other friends, connecting with. People face to face, and I've been challenging myself recently that when I want to text somebody, if I can call them and reach them, I'm going to call them and reach them. That's one of my challenges for myself that I've been engaging in. So at work, at home, if I can call them, I'm going to call them.

I'm going to try to avoid texting because I know, not avoid it completely and rigidly, but just be more actively involved in reaching out to somebody on the phone. Pretty cool. So let's go ahead and recap. Adam's five favorite relaxation activities. Number one, is learning and growing. Number two, exploring.

What can I do to explore more in my life? Number three is writing. And number four is connection. Actually, yeah, four. These are my four favorites. So connection with [00:27:00] other people, not in any particular order, but if I'm off, it might be because one of these is most likely because one of these areas is off.

I'm not learning. I'm not writing. I'm not exploring and I'm not connecting and I can change that. So which of these most resonates with you? Where could you make the biggest change in your life to. Increase this element of relaxation in your life. I mean, who couldn't use a little more of that? So I want to challenge you to make some kind of application based on what you learned today.

So insight is 20 percent of transformational change. Action is 80%. You have to take action. Action is 80 percent or more, honestly. So an okay plan that you take action on is a hundred times better than the perfect plan that you neglect and don't actually execute. So whatever resonates with you the most.

Today, by the end of the day, take some kind of action. Do what I challenge you to do in each, on each topic, or do something different. Just make application. Do something. It doesn't have to be big. A 1 percent change over a [00:28:00] specific, over just a 30 day period of time is going to make a huge difference in your life.

Are you making a 1 percent change? If you want it to stick even more, teach it to somebody else, even your six year old child. They can grasp these concepts. And when it relates to relaxation, they can. Just try it. If you don't trust me, just try it. Share it with your young child and see how they resonate.

So I want to sign off today the way that I always do and challenge you, making your mission to live the life now that you want to be remembered for 10 years after you're gone. So you decide your legacy, nobody else. I appreciate you greatly, and I'll see you next time.