Ep110_Accountability
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Adam Gragg: [00:00:00] I'm getting ready to release my new online course, Shatterproof Yourself. The light version is actually out right now. Super excited about the content, but I procrastinated in releasing the content, and I figured out why. And it's come through some accountability in my life, people challenging me to see that I'm not actually Consistently living the stuff that I want to teach in this course.

And [00:01:00] so, hypocrisy, I've had to adjust that. You know, there's seven steps to a giant leap in your mental health. That's what I talk about. So vision, facing your past, your self concept, healthy thinking, your emotional health, self care, relational health, and I gotta practice what I preach.

And so I've made adjustments in my life. It's been through accountability, people speaking truth into my life and seeing and having the ability, me giving the permission, them the permission to actually say, hey Adam, look, you got to fix this part before you got to live this stuff before you can talk about it.

So this is episode number 110 of the Decide Your Legacy podcast. Today, I'm going to talk to you about. Why you need accountability in your life. Four big reasons why you need accountability in your life. I'm your host, Adam Gragg. I'm a coach, a content creator, a speaker, and my passion is to help people find the self confidence and clarity in their life so they can face their biggest fears, the things holding them back, and [00:02:00] live their legacy.

I talk about stuff that I struggle with myself. I don't have it all figured out. I'm a fellow traveler and I grow as I talk about this content. This is the same stuff that I help clients with, and it's going to help you today. So at least that's my hope. I share something uncomfortable that I've done recently at the beginning of every episode, because what I've found from 25 years as a mental health professional is that nothing, is more damaging to your mental health than playing it safe.

And nothing is more important than facing your fears, those big fears that you don't want to face. I want to share something well that I've done that's uncomfortable is I have had and shared with some friends recently that I've had this struggle with using this chemical nicotine product called Zyn.

And I [00:03:00] really struggled on Friday because I've had some challenges personally going on and I ended up calling some buddies Friday and Saturday to talk it through. It was pretty cool. Yesterday was actually, today's day 51 without this stuff. I'm still embarrassed about it because it's like, why did I ever start using this stuff?

But I, Shared it with some friends. I even told them I was struggling on Saturday and I was afraid they're gonna judge me, but I ended up not using it because I talked it out with some friends. So, cool thing. And I was under an incredible amount of stress on Friday and Saturday. So let's start off with an action.

I, this is a podcast that you do. You don't just listen to it. You actually apply it to your life. So you get to be uncomfortable like I was talking to my friends about using Zen. And. Which, by the way, I hid from my friends for a while, which wasn't cool as well, and I didn't intentionally hide it, but I just didn't bring it up.

And these are people that know my life really well and hold me accountable, but I still didn't want to let them know about it. And [00:04:00] until months ago, and I finally did, which was really, really helpful for me. So the action I want you to start off with is what change do you want to make in your life right now?

Do you want to stop some bad habits, or to stop isolating, or to eat healthier, to drink more water, to stop using nicotine, to stop using Zin, like I was, to, which is strange to say that I was, now that's kind of cool, but do you want to stop Watching too much TV, or gambling, losing money, or coming in late to work.

It could be something you look at as fairly minor, like going to bed too late, or not having a healthy lunch, or not having lunch at all, or not having a healthy breakfast, or not getting any exercise, or enough exercise. So what is that thing you want to make an improvement on in your life? And then I want you to answer the question, speak it into your phone, or write it in your journal, and You know, what accountability do you have in your life right now?

So, do you have a friend who you tell, or a sibling, or somebody, when you want to make a change in your [00:05:00] life, that they end up understanding that you want to make this change, and they might ask you about it? Not that you've asked them to ask you about it, but you know that they understand the change you want to make, and they might ask you about it.

So, it's a dangerous thing for me when I don't have accountability. And I would suggest it's a dangerous thing for everybody, for you as well. People start thinking in unhealthy ways when they don't have people exposed to their life. I've loved watching programs that address mental health issues or help me to understand people better, you know, like Hoarders or even The program Intervention, which is about addiction, overcoming addiction.

And I can see different patterns in people's lives. And one of the things I've seen is that people that get into a real big rut, where they need some kind of a major intervention in their life. They've done things for a significant period of time, which involves isolating and not having somebody actually challenge their thinking.

And they don't have any accountability. They don't have what we're going to talk to you about today. And so when [00:06:00] they do, it makes a huge difference in their life. Before I get into that, the four reasons why you want accountability in your life, why you're going to want accountability or more, even more accountability in your life is, is what are the types, what are the qualities that a person who's worthy of being a friend, somebody who is an ace, so there's, there is accountability, there is compassion.

You know, there is encouragement. They are available. You know, what, and I call that the NACE. It's an acronym. So what qualities do they have? Well, what they have is they're going to be humble. They're not going to think they have all the answers, going to be willing to be humble. And they're going to listen well.

They're going to take feedback from you. They're not going to be self serving where it's all about them and their situation where you bring up a struggle and they bring up their problems and they don't really try to understand your problems. Yeah. They're going to have the courage to ask you the harder questions, which when somebody hires a coach like me, that's one of the greatest things I can offer somebody is [00:07:00] be the person in their life who's willing to ask them the hard questions and to hold them accountable.

Not in a cruel mean way, but just to say, Hey, did you get this done? You know, what progress have you made? What are you struggling with? What challenges are you dealing with right now? So I can be that person in their life. So an accountability person is. And someone worthy of that, they're going to say the things that are hard for you to hear as well, and they're going to even risk the relationship by saying the things that are hard for you to hear.

So I had somebody that was going to hire me as a coach, or really seriously considering it, about two weeks ago, and I knew I wanted this client. I mean, it was a really good fit, but I also knew that As I was saying some of the difficult things, which one was on this specific topic, you know, it's going to require you to be willing to be called on the carpet.

I mean, I'm going to say the things if you pay me and it's going to pay me this big chunk of money, I mean, you're paying for someone like me to ask you the hard questions. And really, I would point out, a couple things that I've seen right [00:08:00] now that seem to be inconsistent. I mean, I could be wrong, but just in the short period of time, I've noticed, and they admitted that those were challenges and admitted that they needed the accountability, but then they distanced themselves, which does happen.

And I don't regret saying those things because that's my value. That's my superpower. I can tell people the truth. And I feel like I can do it in a really kind way. And I feel like I can do it in a skilled way, but I don't always do it perfectly. And oftentimes people don't want to really hear that. So let's look at these four different reasons why you want accountability in your life.

So number one is you'll think better. So, I think better when I'm around people who know what's going on in my life. They understand my vision and my goals and my values, and they understand what I'm dealing with and they don't commiserate and add to my fear. They're willing to point out the inconsistencies in my life because they know me well enough.

They believe. in me, and often they give me the belief that I can make changes more than I believe in myself. So, meaning, like, they believe that I can change and make a [00:09:00] transformation more than I think that I can actually change. And so I started seeing, and it was this way with Zen, I mean, some of my friends were challenging me and showing me that I could, I don't need this thing and to depend on this thing and I would go to this.

Well, it's helped me sleep and I had some sleep problems and it relaxes me at the end of the day. Then I would add the caveat, but it's nicotine and it's probably killing me. So I kind of knew it was bad, but I was still doing it. And they were able to ask me consistently, you know, the questions that I needed to hear.

I was really frustrated about, oh, a month ago, three weeks ago, about somebody who had mistreated me. And I filmed this person mistreating me. I mean, I mean, they were just, to me, it was just being very difficult. And I texted a bunch of buddies and I said, dude, I am so tempted to put this out on YouTube.

This is unjust. This is wrong. I can't believe I just am dealing with this thing. And one of my friends said, don't do it. You know, and another of my friends said, Hey, got to take the high road, Adam. They were really blunt with [00:10:00] me. Take the high road that's succumbing to that kind of behavior that you're experiencing.

That's not you, Adam. That is not you. And another one used a big word. I forget my friend, Mark. He always uses big words. But he was challenging me to be magnanimous. That's the word. Be magnanimous. And I like that word.

I wouldn't have known that word unless it was for Mark, but thanks Mark for that. But that's what my friends were doing. They were helping me think about that situation in a much healthier manner. And then I went to the youth group and I volunteered and I was around other good people who were helping me think about the situation in a much healthier manner.

And it ended up being something where I did get to I believe I did take the high road and I feel like it worked out much better than if I would have gotten sucked in. So an action you can take to start thinking better by adding accountability to your life, an action you can take is, is to decide to add some accountability.

So decide by just figuring out who in your life you've noticed that they have been able to make changes in their life. I think of my one friend, Brent, [00:11:00] who went back in, In his late 40s, I believe, he started to, he got his bachelor's degree in psychology, and then he just finished up his master's degree, and he is, just got his license as a licensed professional counselor, and I've seen him do that, and he's in his mid 50s, and so he's retiring as an engineer, and going into a whole new career.

But because I've seen him and the discipline he's had, he's adopted a couple kids as well. He and his wife, I can't leave her out. So, and I've seen him make consistent changes. And that's the kind of person you want to look at and say, they can help me as well, because I've seen what they've done in their lives and what he's done in his life.

So if you've seen somebody start a business, if you see somebody overcome a major setback, a physical setback, and are on the other side. Like my really good friend Ben I've seen him make significant progress. He had a massive stroke and I've seen him work through that process over two years to where he is today and the hard work.

And he [00:12:00] still has to deal with a lot of things, but I am so encouraged because I know he's a person who will continue to be a great dad and husband and continue down the path towards healing and wholeness. And he's there. I mean, he's getting there. And so it's so encouraging. Those are who you want as accountability partners in your life.

And I'm blessed to say, these are people I talk to every week, sometimes every day. I've talked to my buddy, Ben, I think every, almost every day, the last couple of weeks, him and his wife often they're in California, but I talked to him frequently because they helped me to think better. And when I'm dealing with difficult.

situations, which is really encouraging. So who can you add and, and just start hanging around. It doesn't mean you ask them to be your accountability partner. I think that can be kind of weird sometimes, especially if they don't even know what that is, but just start hanging around them and interacting more, talking more, sharing your life with them more, and that's going to add that level of accountability to your life.

So the second reason. that you want to add accountability to your life is you're going to start feeling better when you have good people in your life. These kind of ace type people that are trustworthy, who show that they can make [00:13:00] changes in their own life and who want to live a life that is making good Choices.

Living a good life. They're a light in a dark place. That's what you want around your life. So my worst times, I tend to isolate. When I feel the worst about myself, the most anxious, and when I can really struggle with sleep, when I've had these struggles with sleep, and in my life, I haven't struggled with depression much to a great extent compared to anxiety.

I've had anxiety at a high level at certain periods of my life. But as I trace my steps back, I'm either interacting consistently with very fearful people who aren't helping me to see clearly. And what you don't want to do, those do not make good accountability partners. You can commiserate with people.

I mean, teenagers are notorious for doing this, but adults are as well. I mean, think of cults where people get involved with all these other people who think, Like they do, and it can be very unhealthy, because they can have this groupthink mentality. But I know that for me, and for all of you, you know, when you're really struggling, you're [00:14:00] probably isolating.

When you're really struggling, you're probably isolating, or you're being around fearful people consistently. You want to And you, you'll feel better when you start having accountability and people in your life, because you won't have that loneliness feeling. You'll have more fun. You'll have people that are challenging you, that isolation will decrease.

I mean, even just because you have other people who know, you may not be around them all the time, but they know your story. Group thinking can be tremendously damaging. I mean, think of teenagers and they get sucked into some kind of way of thinking through tip talk and they get attention through a dysfunctional way of thinking.

And it can be related to sexual behavior as a teenager and it's not really dangerous or there's not really that big of a deal. You know, everybody does it, which you hear sometimes, but no, that's not true. I mean, I don't know of any good, healthy mental health professional that's going to say that there's not.

Tremendous consequences to being sexually involved with somebody. Emotional consequences, an adult or a child. I mean, you're doing something that you're not prepared for. And there's [00:15:00] reasons for that. It's not an experimentation type thing. You could get pregnant, you could get a disease, but more than anything, you're Dealing with something emotionally, which is going to be tremendously overwhelming to your whole, to your whole being, and it's not something to be taken lightly.

I mean, and accountability for kids, that's why I love being a volunteer in a youth group setting, because we get to talk about things that are really important, and other kids get to help and discuss their own struggles with, you know, sexual stuff. I mean, and with living, you know, And having a moral code they're following, living an honest life, living a good life, saving money, working hard, being honest, treating their parents well.

It's all discussed, and people get to actually debunk the other content that teens learn from sources that are not reliable. You know, the worst place to learn about sexual behavior is from other teens who are struggling as well, or from other adults that are not your family and don't care about you.

Like, I would not encourage you to let a counselor, and I'm a licensed mental health professional, but do not let them parent you. Parent your kids. That is not their role. Do not let them tell you how to parent your [00:16:00] kids. That is not their role. They can give you some advice based on your child, but do not give them that kind of a power in your life.

That is unhealthy. That is dysfunctional. That is dangerous. If they overstep that line, which unfortunately, in my profession, there's a lot of that going on. And there's a lot of lies that come out of the mental health profession. I obviously have a big issue with it. When I believe, A mental health professional's primary responsibility is to be a truth teller, not somebody who's going to succumb and try to feel Avoid that maybe a parent has left by being that kind of a figure in their life.

That's not your role. It's not the role of a mental professional to tell you that somehow, you know, to feed dysfunctionality, to feed mental illness. I have a Big issue with that rather than being somebody that can help you go in the right direction, which does mean Helping you consider alternative paths.

Helping you consider other ways of thinking about things. A good [00:17:00] cognitive behavioral therapist is going to help you to see that Oftentimes your thinking is skewed and they're gonna help you understand that your brain is developing, that you're not Going to think the same way at 15 as you are when you're 18.

I think that's crucial. And it's crucial that there's some level of accountability for mental health professionals and for parents and for kids, for all of us. And we, none of us can play God. None of us can act like we have it all figured out. Faith is a huge part of living in a healthy whole life. I mean, it's a huge part about it, a huge factor.

Cause we aren't going to understand it all. So you're going to feel better when you have accountability. How can you do this? So one is you can start opening your life up to somebody or to several people and open up, not all at once, but key aspects of your life. I would encourage you to tell somebody that you trust about your five year vision.

So where do you want your life to be in five years? I'll often have clients do that at the beginning of a session, help them, have them write some things down. Share with your friends about your personal and [00:18:00] professional goals, six month goals, and then you can back that up into three month goals. Share your values, your core values.

And I've done a podcast on that in the past on identifying your core values that I'll reference to in the show notes here. You can talk about your life purpose. I'll do another, I'll reference another podcast where I talk about creating a life purpose statement in the show notes as well. It's a podcast I did probably a year or so ago.

And those are things you're gonna share with other people. The thing that I love having clients do when they first start with me, or they first start with one of my legacy coaches, is they create a legacy statement. And that's how they want people to view them, how they hope their family and those they love will view them 10 years after they're gone.

And they get to think about that now and make intentional, take intentional steps towards living that out, Today, but you share that with other people and that's exposed. That's being vulnerable. It's being transparent. It's showing people what you're struggling with and where you want to go. And then they have the ability to ask you about that and say, how are you doing moving towards those goals, [00:19:00] whether it's just drinking less pop or playing more golf, or whether it's going on a date night with your.

teen daughter or going on a date night with your wife every other week or every week. And they can ask you about that kind of stuff. So if you found this podcast helpful so far, hit the link to Shatterproof Yourself. These are seven small steps to a giant leap in your mental health. It's a brief video and workbook and you print off the worksheet, you fill it out quickly while you listen to the video and you're going to find it Empowering and insightful.

Check that out. This is how you get access to it. Tell your friends, share this podcast with other people so they can check out Shatterproof Yourself Lite as well. The fourth, the third reason that you want accountability in your life is you're going to act better. You're going to act much better. You're going to be better behaved.

And I've referenced this before, but 10 years ago, over 10 years ago, I started my first legacy group. And there were three of us, [00:20:00] Dan, John, Daniel, John, and myself. And we met in December of 2013. We signed a covenant to meet every other week. And then we started to meet consistently. And part of it was holding each other accountable, setting goals, being on time.

And I remember we committed to being on time 80, and committed to 80 percent of the meetings or else there was going to be a reevaluation of our participation in this group. We showed up on time. We got the homework done. We did the reading. We behaved better because we had this group holding us accountable.

And then it grew to seven members and we met for a couple years. There were rules and guidelines to being involved in this group. Why did we behave better? Because we gave each other the permission to ask each other about our behavior. It added structure to our life because people could [00:21:00] potentially ask.

Sometimes when I go home and see my parents, they will hold me accountable. And it's funny because I'm not always punctual, but when I'm home, we go to mass and for the holidays, and we go every week when I'm there with my parents. Go to Mass every Sunday. And I like to just cut it close. So I'll go on a run and then, and people laugh at me.

This isn't good. I'm not saying this is a good thing, but my dad will say, Hey, we're going to go to dinner at 5 30 and we're going to leave. You know, reservations are at six. And then what he will do, because he is He's extraordinarily punctual. He will be in the car ready to go at 5. 15, even though he told me that we're leaving at 5.

30. So I have to be ready. You've got to be 15 minutes earlier than what he expresses as far as leaving. You know, 15 minutes before, that's punctuality for my dad. And I'm not like that. I'm like on time or a couple minutes [00:22:00] late, a couple minutes early, a couple minutes late. I'm not like five minutes late, but I'm just, oh, unless it's a podcast, then I am probably five minutes late.

But. For most things, clients, I'm really not five minutes late. I'm on time, or two minutes late at the most. Or, or five minutes early sometimes, but not five minutes late. But that is an area where my parents, even though, and my dad, even though he's gonna be 85 this month, he'll hold me accountable. Say, you know, Adam, dude, you know, you're keeping everybody up, you know, what's going on with you?

He'll call me a fruitcake, which is his favorite term of endearment. And I do it to probably get on his nerves a little bit. But that's a way that I end up acting better, and I know better, but they hold me accountable. So, I have a legacy journal that I'm in the process of creating, and I'm really excited about this.

It's going to be open, you're going to be able to purchase this come October or November of this year, and it's going to have All these different tools for journaling and it's going to guide you along the journaling process. And the [00:23:00] fact that there's four of us on the journal, legacy journal team, so Adam 1, Adam 2, Nick and Jacob, who's our designer.

And so we're meeting consistently and those meetings that we have and the assignments that we have helps me to act better based on the creation of this journal because I have to pull in information that goes in the journal. And so the action you can take it to act better through accountability is to find some kind of group that you're going to meet consistently with in order to pursue an identified goal or to make some kind of identified change in your life.

So think Alcoholics Anonymous if that's a struggle or Al Anon if you have addiction in your family. Or think Weight Watchers if you're wanting to lose weight. Think a Bible study if you wanted to grow spiritually or think some kind of a church, regular church group meeting that you're going to meet with consistently if you're wanting to grow in that area, or some kind of volunteer activity where you're going to meet with the same people consistently to engage in some sort of volunteer charity kind of work.

Like my buddy Joe, who does his homeless ministry [00:24:00] every Thursday, and I believe it might even be Tuesdays too, or my friend that, well, I mean, I got a number of friends who are involved in things. I got another friend who's involved in mentoring as well, and so prison mentoring. those are things that can involve you with other like minded people.

But how can you get involved? And then you're going to start acting better because you're involved in that group. And if it's a running group, we're going to act better because you're going to go and put on running shoes and you're going to commit to engaging in some kind of physical activity. If it's some, it can even be a class that you commit to attending consistently.

So if you want to get into yoga, We'll find a time that works if you find a studio. And in my local area, there's a great studio right next to my office that I'm a fan of. Good, good teaching, good education on yoga, and they just do consistently good classes. It's hard, but if you have a time that works for you, let's say that Sundays before church.

So they have a, an 830 class, and you usually go to a 1030 service on [00:25:00] Sundays. And, you know, it doesn't interfere with any other family activities. And you can go consistently once a week at that time. So you plug it into your schedule and that becomes, you know, a come hell or high water thing. I'm going to do this specific, engage in this specific group.

That's accountability. That's going to help you to be better because it's in your calendar. You've planned it out. You got this, a group of people as well, who you're going to meet that are also doing the same thing. And they are potentially going to be people who are going to become your friends who ask, who miss you when you don't go to that class because you've been going for the last five months and they're wondering, well, where is Susan?

You know, where is James? Where is Adam? Where is Brian? Because you've gone to that class. So the fourth reason that you want to have accountability in your life is you're going to change faster. You change, you may still get there, but it's going to be a lot slower when you don't have that accountability in your life.

It's going to be a lot slower when you don't have the help that you need because they are going to be people that are also wanting to change and it's going to inspire you to want to change. So the [00:26:00] legacy groups that I'm forming, I just started the first one, my first one in 10 years, last week, and it was awesome.

We had nine people. We had just incredible amount to an incredible amount of openness. It was exciting. I was. I was blown away, to be honest. I mean, like, I'm blown away by how encouraging that time was for me. And I was the one leading it. I mean, I was the one facilitating it, but I was seeing and sensing the change and inspiration in everyone else's lives.

So everybody left that meeting. We met for four hours and everyone left with a commitment that they were going to make at the end of the session. And the whole group keeps everybody else accountable. We meet every two weeks. The first, this group it's Legacy Group Alpha. And the first one meets on the first Wednesday of every month and the third Wednesday of every month.

So we're meeting, we met, yeah, the first and third Wednesday and four hours on the first Wednesday, two hours on the second Wednesday. And we, we only have a two week break. So that accountability [00:27:00] factor is there that people who are wanting to make changes, you know, they come and they check in and they're going to be held accountable, you know, willingly, because they're paying for this thing.

I mean, willingly held accountable to move towards their goals. Pretty exciting stuff. So. An action you can take is you can, if you want, you can get involved in a legacy group. I mean, I'm excited about forming another one. Legacy group beta. Well, no, it'd be alpha. Maybe it's alpha two. I'm not sure, but my operations manager has a name for it, but if you're interested, just let me know and we can get you on the waiting list to be a part of the second legacy group it's forming.

And it'll meet for a minimum of three months, so it's a three month commitment, and then we can, you can decide after three months on your level of involvement at that point. I think you're going to want to, I think you're going to find it extremely helpful. So let's go ahead and review the four reasons you want to have accountability in your life.

You'll think better. You'll feel better, you'll act [00:28:00] better, and you'll change faster. So what one insight did you gain from this Decide Your Legacy podcast today, episode 110? What are you going to make, how are you going to make that change and apply it to your life? So insight is 20 percent of transformational change.

You gain insight today, but it's nothing really without action. You got to change some kind of, make some kind of change based on the insight you've gained, put it into practice. What is one thing? Remember an okay plan that you take action on is a hundred times better than a perfect plan that you keep refining and never do anything with.

By the end of the day today, act. Take an emotional risk based on this insight. And if you really want it to stick, talk about your insight with someone else. Accountability, accountability, and more accountability. Add it to your life. I have found it [00:29:00] So incredibly helpful, and I want you to see the same results, which I'm confident you will if you take that risk.

It is a risk, but you're not going to grow without choosing to no longer play it safe. I'm going to sign off today the way I always do. Make it your mission to live the life now that you want to be remembered for ten years after you're gone. You decide your legacy, no one else. I appreciate you greatly, and I'll see you next time.