Ep116_stress2strength
===

Adam Gragg: [00:00:00] So I talked to a bunch of leaders yesterday about how to help their team when they recognize that a team member is struggling, struggling with fear, struggling with stress, struggling with personal family issues, struggling just to be confident in themselves. And I shared with them some [00:01:00] basic things that they can do.

Well, first of all, how to recognize when somebody is struggling. And then. What they can do to help encourage and challenge and support that person to get them out of it. And it's probably going to surprise you the advice that I gave them on how they can actually help. So welcome to the Decide Your Legacy podcast.

This is episode number 116. And today I'm going to talk to you about from stress to strength. So a guide to supporting your friends, your co workers, The people you care about, helping them when they are struggling to get out of that struggle and back into life and back into the great blessings that they have every day.

So from stress to strength, so I'm your host, Adam Gragg. I'm a coach and a content creator and a speaker, and my passion is helping people find The clarity that gives them the confidence to face their biggest fears, to live their legacy. I'm in the business of life [00:02:00] transformations.

I talk about stuff that I struggle with myself. I don't have it all figured out. I'm definitely a fellow traveler. I want to share something uncomfortable that I did recently because There is nothing more important to your mental health. And this is mental health awareness month. Wait a second. Yeah, I think it is.

I think it's almost like every month is mental health awareness month because there's so much attention placed on mental health since COVID in my opinion. So, but it's an important topic today in our culture, and it's deservedly so. I mean, there's a lot of stuff out there with mental health that doesn't really help people, unfortunately.

There's a lot of stuff that does that doesn't make people comfortable when they think about actually applying that versus some of the easy stuff that's not actually going to help. But I'm going to talk to you about the stuff that does help research evidence based stuff that you can apply. And like I said, nothing's more important, your mental health and facing your fears and nothing is more damaging.

then playing it safe. And so that's the beef I have with mental health is when we encourage people to [00:03:00] play it safe, to do what they've always been doing, and some maybe little twist on it, we're not really helping them. And if you're getting good counseling, you're going to find that You know, they're going to challenge you.

They're going to be honest with you. And there is going to be a way to measure your progress to say over the last three months, what progress have you made? There should be some very clear cut, identifiable results that you've gotten, not from them, the psychologist or the family therapist, but from the efforts you've put into the process that they've helped guide you and hold you accountable towards.

So that's really key. So I want to challenge you and want to share something comfortable I've done recently. And so one thing I've done is I have a bunch of buddies that I meet with once a month for a full day and we all get on the hot seat and we get feedback on a problem that we have from them, honestly, and it's not comfortable and it's not fun, but I was on the hot seat.

For at least a period of the time on Tuesday and I got challenged, I [00:04:00] got my butt kicked. Thank you very much. I'll name them off here maybe. So Kendall and Doug and Dan. Yeah. And Jason. And let's see here. Oh my gosh. I want to try to name them all off. Luke. Yep. And Troy and Caleb. I named them off. All right.

I think I got them all. Did I miss anybody? Well, anyway, if I did, you all kicked my butt. I appreciate it. Oh, one other thing that I did that was challenging, and I want to share this with you because, you know, this may resonate. I cooked a new meal that I hadn't ever cooked before for my daughter and her friend before youth group on Wednesday, and that was so cool.

It actually turned out really well. And then her friend even kind of made me feel like I was a decent cook, which I'm really not, but I'm working on it. And I made a good meal. I made a couple of good meals. One was pretty easy, but that to me, I could be [00:05:00] rejected, especially cooking for somebody that has never had my cooking before.

And I did it and it was good. So I want you to get uncomfortable as well. I shared some ways I was uncomfortable. Only you can determine whether it's uncomfortable. Amazing thing about courage is it isn't courage unless you're uncomfortable. You're not being courageous unless you're doing something in the face of fear.

That's the definition. You're doing something in the face of your fears. You're not being courageous unless you do that. So I want you to be courageous as well. And so think about how you, when you go through this podcast today, the Decide Your Legacy podcast, what are you going to do to make application of the content that you from listening to me?

All right, and then you get to make application. That's going to be a scary thing. So what are you going to do? I want you to start off with an action right now that might be a little bit scary for you. So who is somebody that you work with or in your family that you know is struggling? They've either told you or you have picked up on the fact that they're struggling at some level.

[00:06:00] Write it down, speak it into your phone, think about it. It could be your spouse, can be your brother, can be your sister, can be your neighbor, can be your co worker, can be someone you supervise, it can be your boss. It can be one of your kids, but somebody that's struggling and identify why they're struggling.

Is it stress? Is it friendships? Is it relationships? Is it isolation? Is it depression? Is it anxiety? And you're going to think about them as we go through this content. There's mental wellness and there's mental unwellness. All right. So mental wellness in the workplace is one of the topics I talked about yesterday.

Somebody that's mentally well, mentally healthy, they are going to have a sense of humor. They can make decisions swiftly. They can cope with life. They have a skillset. They apply. They are able to communicate clearly. They're consistently engaging in self care. They have this sense of resiliency to them, this hardiness to them.

They have healthy relationships, at least from what you can tell, especially with you, they have the ability to focus and not get distracted, which our society is killing people's mental health through [00:07:00] this distraction. Society, there is this fallacy that we can multitask and trust me, you can't. You just think you can.

And a mentally healthy person has a sense of balance. They're not consumed by one part of their life. Workaholics out there, funaholics, if that's a thing. I'm sure it is. Hedonists. I'm just teasing. That is all. Mental wellness. So mental unwellness, here's what I see with people. They have this feeling and they express a feeling of hopelessness.

They don't have this excitement towards their future. They have a lost interest in daily activities like hobbies and fun and enjoying things, social activities. You can see an appetite decrease or a sleep problem or they've told you about or you can actually identify some weight changes. I've seen people in my career as a family therapist for 25 years, I've seen people lose weight.

very quickly when they have significant marriage problems. Like, way too much weight in a matter of weeks. 30 pounds? Yes, [00:08:00] I've seen them lose a lot of weight. So, someone that has a significant amount of increased irritability, restlessness, they have a loss of energy, lethargy, energy shifts, you know, you can shift your energy so quickly when you're in a healthy state, around healthy people.

Concentration problems, unexplained aches and pains, you know, that is It really can be a sign of a lack of mental health right now in your life because you are hyper focusing on things when maybe it would have been just a minor ache or pain, you're making it a huge issue. So that's some things to think about.

Today we're going to cover how you can help other people, but as you do this, I want you to think about helping yourself because you're not able to help other people unless you are helping yourself first. So you're a role model for other people in the way you apply good tools for your mental health.

And also it's going to help you as you think about helping somebody else that will help you. When we think about applying Content to help somebody else. It becomes inspiring. We almost want to learn it more. We do want to learn it more. We want to take it [00:09:00] in because we think this can be a gift to somebody else.

So as you make application in your own life, it's going to help other people. As you think about helping other people, it's going to help you. So let's talk about this some. I have realized over the years that people that want to influence others, they may start by thinking about how they can just teach something to somebody else.

Blatantly just teach that to them. Like, here's what you should do. Here's how I would do this. Here's how other people do it. And I find that you have to have a significant level of trust for them to be receptive enough for you to just teach them directly. When I work with coaching clients, I strive to build a relationship and build trust first before I ever give them any content.

I want to ask them questions. I want to learn about them. I want to get to know them. I want to laugh with them. I want to see them to see that I'm human. I want to see their human side. That's going to build trust, show them I'm consistent. They can see that I've, that I care. That's going to give me the ability to be able to teach some concepts and things with them.

[00:10:00] So that's like the highest level correcting and teaching, right? But where we're going to make the most progress with people we work with and our families is we're going to listen and learn from them. We're going to build the relationship, build connections with them. We're going to take a backdoor method of influencing their lives.

And one of the main things we have to do is have a heart of peace towards them, to see them as somebody who is human. Not somebody to fix, not an object, not a means to an ends, not a vehicle for us to go somewhere further in our own career, but somebody that we care about, that is human, that has problems and worries, just like we do, and that we value.

They have to see that. They have to believe that. We have to have that heart towards them and show them that. And that's going to be what we're going to build. That's how we're going to build trust because they're not going to trust us until they trust that we care. And they're not going to trust that we care until we build a relationship.

So it's a great thing to think about there. And [00:11:00] I have found that if somebody, for example, has an issue with somebody else, like let's say they have an issue with their wife or their husband overspending, their husband spends money so quickly and they aren't able to save. And so they have. So they've taken this front door correct and teach approach and that hasn't worked.

Hasn't made any kind of difference in their life, in the life of, in the spending, you know, and that in fact it's only gotten worse. Their husband's spending more. But then that wife takes a backdoor approach and starts to build connection and realizes Out of nowhere, really it's not out of nowhere, but all of a sudden the husband stopped spending emotionally the way that he was.

And now he feels cared about. And the wife has just come to him and talked about hopes and dreams and goals and encouraged him by pointing out his strengths. Giving him more hugs and whatever it is that his love language is, you know, gone out to lunch with him, played pickleball with him, played golf with him, who knows, whatever, gone to coffee, read a book, [00:12:00] gone on a vacation.

I mean, those aren't going to fix the relationship. Don't think a backdoor approach is just going to be, it's not going to fix it. If it's just a bandaid, but if it's building the connection, you'll be surprised that you have a lot of influence. So let's jump into the content. Number one, the first of these three methods, three ways that you can help somebody who is struggling.

Number one is encourage them. And by encourage, I mean, give them courage. Challenge them to see a brighter and better future. Challenge them to see that they can go further, not by correcting and not by teaching, but through other methods. I like to help encourage people. One way is by asking them questions that help them to see their potential.

I'll ask them to think of an ideal dream job. And when someone is [00:13:00] depressed and when someone is anxious and they start thinking about creating this picture of how their life could be, if they had this ideal dream job, which for a lot of people is to have their own job, to be an entrepreneur, to have the freedom of schedule, to have the freedom of money, to have the freedom of passion and purpose, to not have their custom Time consumed by things outside of their purpose.

That's such a great, amazing, cool thing to think about and reflect upon. And I can see the stress dropping from people when you ask them those kinds of questions. So your friend or your coworker who's highly anxious, you get to just have some fun with them and you go into their office and you ask them about their weekend and you ask them about their day yesterday and what progress they've made.

And then you get to ask them, you know, I've been thinking about something here. You know, if you had your ideal career outside of this career, and I mean, if you're their boss who has hiring, I mean, that might not be the best question. They might think you're going to about, you're about to fire them, but that wouldn't be what you're going to do.

Then preface it and say, you know, [00:14:00] you're a great employee. I value you so much. I just thought about this question for myself. And I thought it'd be really interesting for you to answer the question as well. They will find this pretty awkward. If they're not used to you interacting in that fashion. Asking questions.

So their dream job or their dream check. That's a cool thing. You know, if you had the success you want in your career, what would be the biggest check that you would receive that would help you to realize that you've really made it? You know, it's that Jim Carrey thing. He wrote himself a check for 10 million for services, for acting services rendered.

And he would look at that check. And then he actually, when he. was when he was hired and paid to be in the star role in Dumb and Dumber, which I think that is a dumb and dumber movie, but he actually was paid 10 million. That was his biggest check, but he had written that check for himself years earlier as well.

So that's such a cool thing to [00:15:00] think about. What would that check be? You know, for me, it'd be 7 million. I love sevens and I literally have a picture in my mind. I haven't actually written the check. But that is my dream check for myself. And it's so fun to think about what I would do with it, how I'd grow my business, how I would structure my life, what changes it would make.

And the crazy part is when I've done that exercise, there's not much I would change about my lifestyle. There's very little because I try to live the life now that I want to. live in the future in some capacity. I have this real beef with the term retirement because to me it sounds like death and I decided a couple years ago that I wasn't going to be that guy who travels after he retires and does fun stuff after he retires.

I want to do it now. And it does require me making some sacrifices. Maybe I don't have as much in some parts of my life, but I do have wealth. I have wealth in a different way. I have financial [00:16:00] security as well, but it's different in some capacity. I don't view wealth as money. I think they're very different things, but I have wealth Adventures and friendships.

I got some great friends. I've had some great experiences. I'm gonna have some great experiences this summer as well. And I share that with you to encourage you because I got a great trip. I got two great trips planned this summer. One is to see family in Cali and one is to go to Canada, New York, DC and Boston with my daughter.

Kind of fun, exciting. So I want you to think even for yourself about how you could encourage yourself with an activity like that and how you could encourage somebody else. Helping them see their potential and I've had a last final meeting of a legacy group last night, which these are the groups that I meet with once every other week or coaching groups and they're so fun.

And we were asking about some of the highlights and one person said, I said, well, you know, how would you describe legacy group to somebody else? And she said, it's a hurricane that turns into a rainbow, [00:17:00] which, yeah, I can see that. Cause some people have been really challenged in legacy groups. That's kind of cool to hear that.

But another person, and in fact, a number of people in the group said what has changed their life is they've learned how to ask questions and get to know people and to go deeper with people. And that is so encouraging when someone gets to know you're going to encourage them. You just being curious about their life is going to encourage them.

Awesome thing. So here's three very practical things you can do to encourage other people. So one is ask them for help. Ask them for advice. You would be shocked. And how many people get encouraged by helping somebody else, whether it's solving a problem that they have a skill set with, or helping them move a couch or a piece of furniture in their house, or, you know, helping them to actually parent their kids and giving them advice on with money or giving them advice on dealing with their parents, aging parents, being there to support them, asking them for their advice, not using them.

Not seeing them as a means to an ends, but having from a heart of peace, [00:18:00] you ask them for advice. So number two, a second way is you could ask them, you can ask them about their goals. And if it's a coworker or you're their boss, we'll ask them about a goal in an area of their life unrelated to work. So what's a goal that you have this year, where, you know, socially?

What's a goal that you have this year intellectually? What's a goal that you have this year financially? Could be really interesting to hear. I love challenging people to come up with Top goals in all seven areas of their life. And I give them five minutes to do it and to write it down really quickly.

It's such a cool thing to see how people come up with stuff. And then I've said it again, I'll say it before a lot of times, in fact, 90 percent of the time, they're going to come up with very similar goals if they take seven days or seven minutes, because they're going to channel that. thing. I mean, my podcast technician, Brian, probably knows that I ended up writing some of my content right before the show.

And that's not a great habit. It's not something I'm proud of. It is my procrastination perfectionism thing. I do [00:19:00] prepare, I do spend some time, but then I find that I can be really creative right before I record. And I always have ideas. It's last minute stuff, but I got to just be accepting of that and understand that's the way that I function.

So number three on encouraging people, ask them about their progress. So, so encouraging somebody can, can be pointing out their strengths, can be helping them to see that they have these unique abilities. I know Lloyd, my operations manager, he is. Very good at some things that I'm not good at, you know, one of those, one of them being as being a systems thinker.

So seeing a process that can work and I don't have a lot of patience a lot of times for letting the processes plan, planning them and then letting them and learn, learning from them. I mean, I want to learn, I want it to be like perfect right away. So we, but he's very good at that and he thinks in a different way.

He's very, very good when it comes to technical stuff in a way that I would never be and I I am extraordinarily grateful for that. And that's something where he, [00:20:00] he's, you know, 20 times better than I would be. I can do it. I'm better than maybe some. I'm definitely better at some in certain technical things.

I mean, I try to learn, but it's slow and it's good. I'm glad I learned it and I'm glad I'm, I'm doing it, but hold people accountable, challenge them to go further. You know, that's kind of cool when you do that. Cause if, if you friend, if you have, I know that's contradictory to building the relationship, but I'm saying, I'm saying That there are times and you trust your instinct on this where you challenge somebody to say, you've, you know, you've talked about this a lot.

I know you can do it. And I'd see you doing it. And I would love to just encourage you to say, you know, I know you can do it. I mean, it's like, it's like, you know, I remember hearing that. I've heard that from both of my parents at times where they've pointed out to me that I've done things in the past and I was able to do it successfully and I can do it again.

And that I have more ability to handle situations. I remember years ago, after I was really dealing with. some traumatic stuff in my life. I was reminded, you know, because I couldn't make decisions. I was just struggling to make decisions. And I [00:21:00] had some friends remind me that I've made good decisions in the past.

And I remember my mom reminding me that I've made good decisions in the past and it really encouraged me and supported me. So it was Mother's Day last weekend. So happy Mother's Day to all of you mothers out there and all of you that have mothers and which is all of you. And cause that's a great, wonderful day.

Father's Day is coming up. Come on, don't forget it. And celebrate. I got some great Father's Day ideas if you want any feedback, especially for me, if you want to just get me a random Father's Day gift because you like my podcast, that would be really cool. So if you found this podcast helpful, hit the link to Shatterproof Yourself.

These are seven small steps to a giant leap in your mental health. Evidence based practices that you can apply today that will help you improve your mental health and all this stuff in Shatterproof Yourself you can apply towards encouraging others and helping challenge others to improve their mental health as well.

So the second thing I would challenge you to do to help other people that are struggling [00:22:00] is build trust. Yes, build trust. And by building trust, you, it takes consistency to build trust. So it takes evidence over time. That's consistency defined visually. For me, if I see a, a graph, one measures time, one measures evidence.

So over time, you're going to see more evidence over time. That means one, yeah. And that, that trust line is going to increase because you have gathered evidence and you've gathered over time. So that's a really cool thing. And so my friend, Ben, I was looking and thinking about how. Who do I trust in my life and how have they built trust with me?

And then I looked at some text messages from my buddy Ben and he sent me a text every day this week. So on Monday, he sent me a text saying, saying, all right, yeah, and Ben's a cool guy, man. He's wife's Nicole. He has two boys, a good guy. He's been a friend of mine since fourth grade and he, he sent me a text saying, saying, uh, block out the noise.

Cool thing. And then he sent me one that said, you're loved. And then another one saying, you know, love never [00:23:00] fails. Another one that said, take the high road. And then today he sent me a text saying, breathe. And so these are just little things. And I don't, I usually, I just respond with a thumbs up or I love it, whatever, but it's so cool to get that.

And I don't know if he ever knows how encouraging that is, but it's, it's, it's really special to me and that building trust. It. It leads to relationships going so much smoother and quicker because there's honesty in that dynamic. And so I had a situation where I sat down with a company that was interested in hiring Decide Your Legacy to do some corporate training stuff.

And I had never actually done anything for them before. We had a meeting. I submitted a proposal and it has kind of taken some time to get a yay or a nay, that kind of thing. And then I had another meeting where I've done some things for this company and I have good relationship with the owner. I've done something, built some trust with the people and leadership and had a meeting and was talking about new course that I have, coaching course, Shatterproof Yourself, and then some, the [00:24:00] coaching groups and everything.

And it was like, My gosh, you know, they were interested. They ended up hiring us to do some stuff right away. And why did it happen so swiftly? And why did it not happen so swiftly? It felt like I had to really go through and over a lot of different information, build trust, give referrals, references, all this stuff in order to actually get to the point where we submitted a proposal.

So that's like a two month sales process versus a two hour sales process. You know, it's like, Whoa. Okay. Sign the contract, cut the check. It's like, bam. Uh, when this thing's done, and then it makes you think, well, just stick with the people you already trust. But I want to build relationships with new companies and new organizations.

I have a team that's skilled. I want them out there and I want the content out to new people because that's my passion and my hope and desire. And so it's not like I don't want to go out and reach, but I was just kind of diagnosing why could they hear it from me so quickly? And it was trust, consistency.

So what do you do to build trust? It's amazing what happens when you're consistent and these sales processes that I [00:25:00] see people going through. I have a client who has a business and, he's in the the mortgage business, right? So, and I've seen people in real estate, and I've had a number of clients in real estate, a number of clients in mortgage, a number of clients in insurance.

I mean, just working with business owners, and I've seen some of these systems that they apply, where they continually build relationships with clients and how that builds trust over time. So they remember birthdays. They remember their kids birthdays. They send them a message on their birthday.

They send them a card or a gift card on their birthday. They don't forget their even marriage, wedding anniversaries. They know their favorite color. You know, they know what they like for Christmas. They know what they like, what they find funny, and they gather this information. It may be very blunt, kind of, Hey, well, you fill out this form.

I'd love to get to know you. And here's a list of things that I like. You know, I really like to know about all my clients, but that remembering, even though, A person, if it's like for me, they know that it's a sales tactic, but you have to [00:26:00] really care about somebody for that to work. So it doesn't work if there's really no heart behind it.

If it's a heart at war, then you're seeing that other person as a vehicle, as a means to an end. So when you're using, if it's a heart of peace, well, you truly do care about their kids birthdays. You truly do care that their favorite color is blue or whether you really do truly do care that they love OU football.

You truly do care. that they love University of Oregon football, which if they do, I love them no matter what. You truly do care if they love Wichita State basketball, which there are a lot of those people around here. And then you remember those things and you point it out when it's the time or you know them well enough that, you know, when somebody dies in their life or someone's getting married and those things build trust, you know, never turn down a wedding invitation, never turn down a, You know, never miss a funeral, you know, if you, because those things are so significant to people in their lives that if you can remember and [00:27:00] stay engaged in these times and, you know, a graduation, for example, it's a special thing.

And that's my hope for people. You remember those Christmases, that makes life fun. That builds trust, but it's, you know, do it for the right motive again. So one is you can, here's three things you can do. to build trust. One I would suggest is you invite people to events with you. You invite people to big events, you invite them to join you.

Even if it's inviting them to go run in a race with you, or inviting them to go to some kind of networking event, inviting them to go to some luncheon, inviting them to go to some hear some speaker, you invite, and that's a risk. You could get rejected. And the way I see it is, I want 80 percent of my invitations to be rejected.

If I'm If I am not experiencing 80 percent of them being rejected, I'm not inviting enough. That's my deal. So number two, you, you build a relationship with them by getting to know them and you build a relationship with [00:28:00] other people who know them, who have influence in their life as well. Number three is you do something to show you care out of the blue.

So, and that is where you start by just remembering their birthday, plus doing something that's just not sending them a Facebook message, but actually sending them a text message on their birthday, showing them something out of the blue. Maybe you go back to old school and you send them a card. Maybe you go back to old school and you give them a call instead of a text or a Facebook message.

You actually call them and say, I think, or send them an email, something that's different. And that they would remember, and that's going to start building some trust. Be like my friend Ben, who sends random texts of encouragement to people that he cares about. And that's a really cool, special thing. So the, the third thing you can do, and this is the one that I would say will have cause the most discomfort of all these three things you can do to actually, to actually help somebody who is struggling.

And so you recognize somebody has anxiety. And by the way, you know, you can recognize somebody has [00:29:00] a lot of anxiety when they're not able to be creative and stay focused because all they're channeling, they're channeling their energy into staying safe rather than being productive. And you can know when somebody, when they've lost their sense of humor or their ability to engage and relate, it can often be related to anxiety.

They're in this. Fight or flight mode, and it may have nothing to do with you and nothing to do with their job, but it is what it is, and they're going through something challenging. And all of these tools, you can apply in that situation. You can help somebody, so, but you can connect them to positive emotions, connect them to their emotional state, and connect them with their, so you basically it.

Be emotional is number three. Connect with emotions is number three. So what I find amazing sometimes is how grouchy, grumpy people can, with questions, they can snap out of it. So if you have teenagers, try this, that [00:30:00] you ask them to share the best thing that happened during their day. And. You're sitting around the dinner table and you ask them that question, what was the best thing that happened, you know, and what was it like, you know, you're connecting them with an emotional experience and those teenagers, let's say you have one 10 year old and a 12 year old and a 16 year old.

And the 16 year old is like, I don't want to do this. It's not fun or whatever. But you just stick with your guns. You know, as a parent, you're just like, come on, let's just, and you share, you and your wife, your husband share. And then they begrudgingly share because they're following the leader of their 16 year old brother or 16 year old sister.

And then they end up sharing something. And, and you say, hey, we're going to, you know, let's just do this a couple of times a week. And then what you find is like two weeks later. They're coming to the dinner table and they're excited or they're going out to dinner with you and they're excited about sharing something or they're maybe not even expressing that they're excited about it, but they're still coming to the dinner table with something to share that was [00:31:00] positive.

So you can ask somebody that's struggling, you know, what has been a win in your life over the last week or over the last day? What's a win? You know, what's something that's gone well? even surprisingly gone well, and you're connecting them with something positive in their life, or you know they have a goal and you ask them, how are you going to feel when you reach that?

I can just see you reaching that. How are you going to feel? What are you going to do to celebrate? I can't wait to see you celebrate that goal. You know, I can't, I know you've been struggling to get that debt paid off, or I know you've been struggling to save up for, for that new car to replace the one that you crashed or whatever.

And then how are you going to feel when you do that? How are you going to feel when you get there? And that can help them. Oh, who was your best boss can help somebody? I mean, think about that. People can often reflect and think about the negatives in their life. In fact, we know that negativity sticks like Velcro and positive things.

It's like Teflon, it bounces off. Yet once we go there, it starts to overpower the negativity. So it's harder to [00:32:00] make it stick. We resist making it stick, but connect them to their emotions. So who was the best boss you ever had? It's a cool question. Already been some of them. The biggest, the bit, the most transitional moments in your life.

And what were they? Connect them to a powerful situation where they were energized and where they felt good. So very cool kind of thing. So you can do that. And an apology is when you see some emotion. So emotion in other people, It heals them when they learn to express it and share things that they feel.

It also heals when you learn and hear about other people's emotions, because emotions make people safe. So I recently was talking to some friends and. They were discussing, it was a couple from church, actually, that I'm friends with, and one of them was telling me that they got an apology from their spouse, and it was the first time in a long time they saw their spouse cry when [00:33:00] they gave an apology, and I didn't get into the details of the whole situation or anything, but it just reminded me how when you see emotion in other people, it builds trust, it doesn't hurt trust, because it shows you, a lot of times, it shows you that they're not just robots, that they have feelings, that they struggle, that they have challenges.

It's And then they become human. And so we have more of a heart of peace towards somebody. Even if it's an anger or a frustration, even if it's discouragement or sadness or fear, we're getting to see the real emotion and they express it and share it. It makes them human and it makes them much safer. So three things you can do practically to connect people to their emotion more as their boss, as their friend.

You can ask them how they feel. and to express it. Just how do you feel about that? Wow. Oh, I feel bad. I feel angry. I feel frustrated. I feel scared. How do you feel? You know, but they may lie, not intentionally. I would say that's an emotional lie. They're not, they're lying about the emotion they feel.

Well, nothing's bothering me. You know, people do that. And I do believe that's a lie. It's not honest, but [00:34:00] it's not necessarily they're trying to be deceptive. They're not in touch with their emotions. So you ask them and you have to trust them. I mean, if they're a coworker, if one of your kids, you don't trust them, then you may have to dig a little deeper.

So like, are you sure? It doesn't feel like that. Or you can do that with a coworker too. It feels like you're angry about it. I know sometimes I can feel angry when I'm scared, but you know, can you, can you talk to me more about that? I really care. I'd like to know. When they know that you care, they're going to be more open.

So you can ask them how they'll feel when they reach a goal or when they overcome something or when they do something different or when they face a fear. How do you think you'll feel about that? How do you think you'll feel when we get done with the project? You know, how do you think you'll feel after you get done running that 10K?

How do you think you'll feel after you lose that 10 pounds you've been talking about losing? You know, what? And then they connect with the emotion and that starts to direct them towards their goals and away from the fear and depression and sadness. Cause they're starting to see if I reach this thing, this goal in my life, I'm going to feel so much better about my life.

And then you can share, the third thing is you can share how you feel. with them. So you're modeling to [00:35:00] them. And that's one of the main points I made yesterday to all these leaders, is that if you're going to help your employees, we'll model the tools in front of them. So if you're challenging them to set goals or asking them about their goals, well, you got to set goals yourself.

If you're encouraging them subtly through the back door to be grateful, well, you got to be a grateful person yourself. Because you're going to lead by example. Parents, you know that. You lead by example. Don't think your kids don't know what you're doing when they're not around. They do. They do. They may not be able to identify it, but your kids are very intuitive and they know how you're treating yourself and other people.

They get a sense about how you feel about yourself. And so one of the best things you can do as a parent is to be confident in yourself, to know your value in yourself. That's going to impact them. So let's go ahead and review. So you can make application to one of these three. So number one. Number one thing, let's think about this.

If we're going to help somebody who is struggling, you encourage them. You encourage them. And I gave you some ways that you can [00:36:00] actually encourage them. The second thing is you build trust. You focus on building trust. And the third is you express emotion. You connect them to their emotions. You get them to express emotion.

So be emotional. So encourage, build trust, be emotional. You are an emotional being. So remember, my 20, 80 rule insights is 20% of change. Action is 80% an okay plan that you act on is a hundred times better than a great, perfect plan that you take no action on. What resonated with you most from this podcast today?

What resonated with you most? By the end of the day, I want you to act, take an emotional risk based on an insight that you've gained, and if you really want it to stick, we'll talk to somebody else about that concept or tool. As well as applying it to your own life. I am excited for this content. You got three tools.

You got three tools that you can apply right away and it'll help you to become [00:37:00] healthier mentally and it'll help others to become healthier mentally. This is transforming stress into strength. That stress that you feel is a reminder. There's something you got to deal with, the stress someone else feels, something you got to deal with, something you got to face.

So I want to sign off the way I always do. Make it your mission to live the life now today that you want to be remembered for 10 years after you're gone. You decide your legacy, nobody else. I appreciate you greatly, and I'll talk to you soon.