Ep136
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Adam Gragg: [00:00:00] Okay. Welcome to episode 136 of the Decide Your Legacy podcast. This is a special episode. I'm going to be going through a live coaching session with Bryan right here. I'm Adam Gragg, and I am a. Coach, a podcaster, I've been a licensed mental health professional, a family therapist for over 25 [00:01:00] years, and my passion is to help people find transformational clarity to face their biggest fears to live their legacy.

I talk about stuff I struggle with myself, I don't have it all figured out, I'm a fellow traveler, and this today is a request that I've gotten from people in the past to show some live action coaching. Bryan is unaware. He did not know that I was going to ask him to actually do this.

So he, until recently, I mean, until today, actually. So I haven't even told him what questions I'm going to ask. I just asked him if he would be interested in willing to be involved in a live coaching session. So, you know, and he has, and he's going to come up with an issue and I'm going to show you what I do with clients behind closed doors, you get a sneak peek at what actually happens.

So this is unrehearsed. He's not prepared. And I, I'm not prepared. No, I'm actually prepared, but I, I mean, it's going to be something I find it. I I'm really hoping that you find it fascinating. It's going to be fascinating for me to see [00:02:00] and go through this because, I don't know what's going to actually happen.

I mean, it doesn't, I don't know. I mean, I never know what happens in a coaching session. I mean, we have a process. I have something, my process, I take them through, but it's going to be honest and real. Coaching is not about giving him information and giving him content. But asking questions, getting Bryan to think about things on his own.

And at the very end of this live coaching session, I'm going to do a recap of what I would do normally in a coaching session. I mean, we're going to wrap it up just like we would anything else. So let's go ahead and, and I want to start with just, and like I said, we're just going to jump, you're going to jump right in, but Bryan, what is something that you would like to accomplish by the end of our coaching discussion today?

Something that's been bothering you or personal, professional, anything you want to accomplish that'd be really helpful to you.

Bryan: I think just having some clarity around parenting, I've got two kids. My son is [00:03:00] 12 years old. And so, one of the things that I really want to do is to help him grow and mature kind of through his teenage years, right?

He's about to enter adolescence and, you know, one of the, the fears I have is I'm not leaving him prepared, right? He's not ready. To enter the world when he's done. So I think, you know, as my role as a dad, I feel like that's a big responsibility. Nobody gave me a manual when he was born.

Yeah. So I think, you know, that's something that I, I think. Yeah.

Adam Gragg: Yeah. How old is he? He's 12. 12. And what's his name? Xander. Xander. Okay. 12 All right. Well, this is real. So you have some basically. You're dealing with how to raise him and launch him. And what is important about figuring this out right now?

Why is it on your mind? What's going on here?

Bryan: So I, I listened to another [00:04:00] podcast. It was kind of talking about this and just the aimlessness of a lot of young adults, right? So you see boomerang kids, right? Kids who move back in with their parents after, theoretically leaving the nest or struggling to get a job or, you know, what are they going to do when they get out into the world?

And so, I'm praying and I know I don't want that for my son, but I also, you know, I'm trying to be proactive and think about how I help him. Cause it's, there's some part of it, that's my responsibility, but there's also some of it that's not within my control.

Adam Gragg: Okay. Okay. What might be a mindset that you have about yourself? That could be getting in your way or about your parenting,

A mindset that Yeah, like if you a perspective about yourself, like, you know,

Bryan: Mm-Hmm.

Adam Gragg: Could be, example would be somebody has a mindset in their job, like, [00:05:00] I'm gonna mess it up. I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna do a good job on the project. It could be that.

There's all kinds of mindsets, but

Bryan: I think that, I worry about failing and in some ways, just because it seems like anytime I try to have a serious conversation with him, like it's just like, he, he wants to be done, right. He's not, he's not wanting to engage like intentional mentorship type conversations where we think about deeper.

Things. He wants to talk about video games. He wants to talk about, you know, just stuff that's more surface level. So it's hard to, it's hard to go into those deep conversations and I struggle with how to get there with him. So failing. Yeah. Like, I don't know how I'm gonna, I don't know how I'm gonna get there.

Adam Gragg: What's your biggest fear?

Bryan: That he is going to never leave, move out of my house. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Well,

Adam Gragg: well, [00:06:00] yeah, I mean, it's the rent's much cheaper and the food's food is Gary knows the food, you know, it's like any plus, you know, he, he has a good comfortable bed, right? Yeah. Okay. Right now he does. Okay.

So what, what is success? Look like for you here?

Bryan: I think so I'm imagining the day that he leaves after he's 18, like he graduates high school, whatever that might be. I'm imagining the day he walks out of the house and I'm like, I'm gonna be sad that he's going, but I'm not worried for him, or I'm not scared for him.

Like, I feel okay. Like, he's leaving the house. I'm like, he's gonna be all right. He's gonna be okay. He's gonna figure it out. Yeah. Like I he may not have everything understood. Yeah. But like, it's like he's not gonna starve. He's gonna Okay. Be able to navigate the world and, but how would you know that,

Adam Gragg: if that's successful, how would you know you've reached [00:07:00] that?

How would you know that he's prepared when he leaves?

Bryan: I think it's in the time that I've got with him now. Right. That's, oh, spending that time with him to mentor him, to train him.

But it's, it's figuring out what that looks like. In a way that's meaning that for him to be excited to engage, right, for him to, to want to learn more from, from me or, or other men, right?

Adam Gragg: Or other men. The reason I asked that question is because it's, it's important that you can specifically picture a tangible way to measure success that you would know.

And it doesn't have to be tangible to other people. For example, I asked. a leader of a company, how she would know that the team had trust, the leaders had trust. And she said that she would see conversations outside of those key leadership meetings and she would feel [00:08:00] there would be a feeling of lightness around each other.

And I don't know how you measure that feeling of lightness, but she would know when she had that, what would that be for you and Xander? That you'd know that we're getting there.

Bryan: I think it would be peace. Peace. Yeah, like I would have a sense. I would have a sense of peace. Like yeah, there's A calmness I guess in that yeah moment I think that's how I would know success the idea of him leaving would be a peaceful thing Like I would no longer be worried.

Okay, I'd be thinking like oh what what's gonna happen to him or what's it gonna be like? But it would just be like peace It would be peace.

Adam Gragg: Yeah, okay, cool. Now, this is an interesting conversation because I just got back from a visit with Emerson to a college out east near Boston. Boston's a cool city, for sure.

It really is. And this is a cool college called Gordon College. Really neat. So, I can relate. It's kind of fresh on my mind, for sure. So, would you [00:09:00] say, Bryan, would be The core issue here for you.

Bryan: The core issue. Yeah. Can you maybe, can you help define that maybe a little more for me? If

Adam Gragg: you peeled back the layers, on the surface it looks like him being ready and not being a boomerang. You know, like a core issue could be like, maybe I had, maybe I wasn't prepared or maybe I'm not saying that don't put things in your mouth whatsoever, or it could be a lot of things boil down to be a mindset or trust

Bryan: yeah, I think, that would probably be true. Like, cause there's so much to navigating the world. Like when you leave the house. When you get out of high school or whatever, there's ways you're going to be prepared and ways you're unprepared. You know, so I can think back to my own kind of launching.

You know, there was stuff I was like, I have no idea how I'm gonna handle all this, I think that's true for maybe a lot of people, but [00:10:00] we used to have some sorts of structures or Systems in place that kind of help people know like, no, you're a man, you're ready to enter the world.

You may not always feel like it, but like there's some sort of affirmation from the people around you that you prepared for that moment. You know, it's the, the, you know, going into the bush and coming back. Oh yeah. Or, or like, I would think of maybe more modern would be like the Boy Scouts, right?

You become an Eagle Scout. You've achieved all these skills. So like it's, it's these ways or this affirmation from a community that like you're, you're prepared. And I think, you know, I, I think about kind of the way our world has evolved. We don't, we don't have a lot of that in our, in our modern world in a very clear way.

And so I think, I think that that's a core issue is trying to both affirm My son, but also help him develop so that he has that confidence, like that he's, he's affirmed by his family. He's affirmed by his community. And, you know, he, [00:11:00] he experiences that in a way like, so that even if, there's things that pop up that are not normal or that you could never be prepared for, like can navigate that, you know, I guess.

So the core issue for me is like, I didn't have that. So how do I do that necessarily for him? Like you think about things that you might've done with your dad, like you went fishing or you went hunting my son has been fishing more than I have.

Like he knows more about it than I do.

Adam Gragg: Yeah. At 12 years old. So you didn't have this same type of launching situation that you want him to have. Exactly. So the core issue is that maybe you. question whether you have what it takes. Yeah. I know what I'm sensing. Okay. Do I have what, and that's part of coaching is we're peeling back the layers of the onion, like to see what, so you can really work on just like clarifying a goal, but really knowing what the issue is, knowing how to define it.

So that's, that's pretty significant. Like, like what has, if, if you look at, at this and, and [00:12:00] giving Xander, getting him prepared. So there's a sense of peace, you know, can you think of anything that you would say like, Has help with this that you've done so far that you feel like that was good or?

Bryan: So I've been getting some coffee with a few other dads, like once a month.

So we've all got boys who are very similar in age. So they're kind of going to be I mean, all kids are different, right? But we've been spending just some time talking about kind of what we're currently experiencing or some of the things that are going on in our own parenting. So just spending, spending a little time once a month, and that's something that I'm trying to help pull together, but just so that we can kind of lean on each other for.

For support.

Adam Gragg: Hmm. What's come out of that? Ideas and stuff that have come

Bryan: outta

Adam Gragg: that? Oh,

Bryan: well we've, you know, we've talked about doing some, group camping trips or [00:13:00] what other older men we've got in our lives that maybe not even necessarily older, but other men are like, could teach the boys cooking or, just some of these things that we could do collectively, every so often, trying to spread. Maybe some of those things, I guess. So it's not, so it's not necessarily on you to manage it all by yourself, if that makes sense.

Adam Gragg: Yeah, it does. I want to, you have a support community that's going to help you with aspects of this, and you've talked about ideas and things there.

So, okay. So here's one of my favorite questions to ever ask a client. All right. So, so if I had, and this, if you had in this situation, 10 times more confidence, because I think we hit on a mindset right there that. Do I have what it takes? Cause I didn't have ideally the situation to launch that I want Xander to have.

So that would be a mindset. And then like, if you had 10 times more confidence [00:14:00] in this situation and helping him to launch, then what would you do?

Bryan: If I had 10 times more confidence. Yeah.

Adam Gragg: I

Bryan: think I would. Yeah. That's a good question. I think probably I would just. Start doing the things that I want to do with Xandr. Like I wouldn't worry about if I already know how to do them. Mm. We would just start going, yeah. If it makes sense. Yeah. It wouldn't be, it wouldn't be waiting around, be fishing, I guess, right?

Yeah. I'd be fishing. It's like, I don't know you, you show me like.

Adam Gragg: That's probably great. Yeah. I mean, if he knows how to do it, that's cool. Right. Who cares if we catch anything, right? He'd probably catch more than me. Probably would. Maybe he'd even show you how to clean them, huh? I don't. All right.

Bryan: We're not eating anything we catch.

Yeah, that's pretty sweet. I wouldn't be so worried about it coming off perfectly. I would just start going and spending the [00:15:00] time and the money doing whatever things I wanted to do.

Adam Gragg: Okay. If you had 10 times more confidence, then how would you, what would you do differently in situations where he doesn't want to answer a question?

Bryan: Ooh, I had 10 times more confidence. That, that's, that's challenging. Cause I feel like that's you're dependent on the other person's response, right? You know, when it's, when it's all on me and I get to decide the action and the step to take I have more control, but I don't have as much control in that.

So what would it look like to have 10 times more confidence? I think I would just start asking the awkward questions. I think it would be like, just being willing to lean into. What are the things that worry you or that concern you? Or you know, with a, with a 12 year old starting to deal with awkward questions around puberty and sex and [00:16:00] like, just being like, no, we're just, we're just going to lean into this and not being Yeah.

Nervous or afraid of where this is heading.

Adam Gragg: What do you do now when he, when he pushes back? Like, I don't want to talk about it.

Bryan: I feel like right, right now I back off. Cause, cause he'll, cause I feel like he will escalate. If that makes sense. If I try to insist or push harder, he's going to push back harder.

So I wonder. You know, honestly, if I'm ten times more confident, would I be more willing to express my own fears?

Adam Gragg: Ooh, be vulnerable about your own fears. Cause if his,

Bryan: if his response is to, when I try to push in is for him to push back is to change from a pushing on what is he experiencing is to invite him, is to pull him into how I feel.

So what would the fear be? Gosh, I think any, anything around like [00:17:00] career challenges, like insecurities from work, you know, what people think about me. You know, wishing I was a better musician just talking about insecurities that I even experience oh, you know, there was, there was one time, probably the one time I can think of where I, I did this well.

Was, I just shared with him my own insecurities when I was his age and like middle school right. So just disappointments that I experienced. Yeah. And shared those with him. Like not making the basketball team when I was in seventh grade and like, and, and expressing like my hope for him. Like, you know, that the things that you want to achieve, I want to help you get there.

But like, you know, nobody's gonna offer you anything. Like, it's not gonna come just 'cause you want it. And just try to. express what my experiences were like at his [00:18:00] age and then how I want to be able to help him with those things as he's growing up, I guess, maybe that, that may be one example of how I could do it.

So I think probably on, you know, talking about it out loud, it was just to be talking about my own experiences growing up. That's probably the way to flip that paradigm. So I'm not. It's not dependent on his response. It's me telling stories about your own experience, my own experience. And

Adam Gragg: Would you want to tell him that you have the struggle of feeling competent to launch him based on your own experiences or.

Bryan: I think what I want to do is I want to cast vision for what's possible, you know? Like, I want to, I, and certainly I can share with him, like, there's a lot that goes into being a man and in the world and, and I think as far as just a virtuous [00:19:00] masculinity, right?

Like, I know that there's a lot of discussion around toxic masculinity, but I would think my version of it would be like a virtuous masculinity, if that makes sense. Like trying to give him something that's exciting around that. But yeah, I guess I could share that, that that's not something that happened for me.

But I want to make something special for him that like, I'm, I'm wanting something bigger and better, you know, for him. And maybe that will help.

Adam Gragg: You don't want it to be your therapist though. That's true. Being vulnerable has a lot of power to it. Like, I think people are not vulnerable enough, for the most part, like, and most people are wise enough to know when you're oversharing, or doing it in a way where they feel sorry for them.

Because that becomes codependency. Yes, right. That becomes codependency. Right, right, right. I'm depending on myself. Son for my own foundation. It's okay, dad. You are competent enough to be my dad. You know, that's a total, total role reversal. Like, we don't want that. Not good. So as I thought about [00:20:00] that question, I thought, cause I thought that's what you meant at first when you mentioned, when you mentioned that, but no, I get what you're saying and I see so much to that when we can be vulnerable.

to see and how it opens up with everything. So we're, we're going to go towards the end of the coaching session here, but I want to do and share one thing here. And if, so if you found this helpful, check out Shatterproof Yourself. It is seven small steps to a giant leap in your mental health. This is a course that's been launched recently.

It's priced at the lowest price that it's going to be at. And it's a pre launch technically, but it is. Launched. So if you want to get access to a great course to talk about mental health topics, from a coaching perspective, hit the link and check out Shatterproof Yourself, great thing for you to go through as well.

So in this conversation, Bryan, what [00:21:00] insight have you gained that you might not have gained? Like what's one insight or takeaway from this conversation that you want to remember? I

Bryan: think probably that idea that we just kind of explored there where I can flip the conversation when I want, when I want to create more depth of conversation.

with my son, it's really going to be somewhat me going first, right? Like sharing something from my childhood, what it was like for me growing up as, as opposed to trying to push those deeper questions on him and make him ask, you know, like offer, offer to go first and then invite him to share like, what's, what's his experience.

Adam Gragg: That's pretty powerful. You'd be sharing your own struggle right there. Right. Yeah. I know it reminds me of something today. I, I sometimes do this activity where with business teams, where everybody writes a [00:22:00] poem. It sounds really silly. Okay. So everyone writes a poem about their life. And they talk about like, there's certain aspects that they address, like where they grew up and their siblings and their family and their jobs.

And there's certain things that they write about in that poem and you, it'd be anything goes outside of these very loose structure. And the point is, is to create, help people get to know each other better. Cause people can be working with somebody. For 20 years and not know a lot of things about them.

And I've seen that in group coaching and corporate work that I do where somebody is, they learn something about a coworker and it just changes the whole dynamics in the relationship because they realize, well, that person went through some really hard stuff and now I know why they're such a horrible boss.

No, I'm just kidding. But now I know why they may have that tendency kind of thing. So, but the mistake, I did this with a company. about two months ago or whatever, the same kind of thing. I made a key [00:23:00] mistake because in when I've done that and I, I realized that like people didn't open up as much as I wanted them to.

They, they opened up about it, but they actually opened up in another activity later. Things are going really great with this leadership team. I'm still working with them and it's really cool and positive, but the mistake I made is I didn't go first and I didn't challenge the other leaders to go first.

Cause, cause if I would have, I would have shared my poem. Even though these people don't really know me, but as an example, and okay, I'm the one facilitating this. So, okay, I can share some things here. And then I would have asked, I would have asked at least the head leader to have his already written so he could share it.

And then them going first would have made it easier. It gives permission. It does. It gives permission for everybody to be vulnerable. And it's so cool to see trust on a team like that when it happens. Just like it is with, I mean, I have a almost 18 year old and I, I feel the trust when I have it and I feel when I don't.

We have a great deal of trust, [00:24:00] but I feel when things are connecting and a lot of times it's because I'm, I'm in a box, you know, I'm, I'm being controlling and rigid and not healthy. And so I create those dynamics. I'm not saying I always create it, but it can definitely be my fault at times. So, so from that, is there, what would you say you would be willing to specifically commit to doing?

From that insight that you gained.

Bryan: Ooh, I think maybe, maybe something I could do is to start Maybe? That doesn't sound like commitment. All right, all right. That's not commitment. Okay. Something I can do is when I am, when it's just Xander and I, when I'm taking, is when I'm taking him to basketball practice.

Yeah. So to or from is to share a story from when I was Around his age like middle school age like just share share a story of something that I experienced That age that that I can remember like it might be good. It [00:25:00] might be bad. It might be Exciting might be disappointing But just that would maybe give him a little perspective on me and like, you know, then I can ask him You know for if you there's any stories he would want to share.

So cuz that's something that He's a captive audience. He can't go anywhere. But that would be invitational, I think.

Adam Gragg: Oh yeah. Yeah. So anything specific that right now you would like to share with him from seventh grade that could prepare you for that next conversation?

Bryan: Seventh grade, right? Well, he's in sixth grade now. He will be in seventh grade. So let's just say sixth grade. I'm trying to think back what sixth grade to school in sixth grade? I can think of like se like seventh grade as a bunch of stories. I remember struggling in math class in seventh grade. I remember not making the basketball team. I remember awkward first dances. Oh, well, okay. There's, there's, like sixth grade is a [00:26:00] little fuzzier for me. Like, as far as. Okay.

Pacific. things. Seventh grade just was a bit more vivid. So that would be one. I do still, like, I can even think of like some stories from like fifth grade. I remember having a teacher who smoked and was not a very good teacher.

Adam Gragg: In the class?

Bryan: Not in the class, but like he, he had, he was the only male teacher in the school.

And he always had like a packet of cigarettes in his pocket. Oh, wow. Okay. It's like, he was like, yeah, it was just, It was just not a good teacher to like, just wasn't really engaged. Yeah. I

Adam Gragg: remember

Bryan: that from fifth grade. I remember

Adam Gragg: he gives cigarettes to kids. He did not. Are you sure? Well, to be fair, I don't know that.

Well, that was a while ago. That was a while ago. That was a while ago. He probably, that was probably when you could smoke in the break room at school. Potentially.

Here's the deal, man. I, I would find, your son would probably find that fascinating. Just the fact that you had a teacher. And if you look at that, like, I'm thinking, how strict the rules are with smoking now in our [00:27:00] society.

It didn't used to be like that. It used to not be like that. And to even say, that I remember when, and I do, I mean I remember when people smoked in restaurants. I remember when people smoked in cars. Yeah. I remember when people smoked, I believe, in airplanes. I remember at least the ashtrays in the airplanes.

Yeah. And I thought I remember people smoking in airplanes. So that's pretty fascinating. I don't know how, yeah, anyway. If you're saying yes to making a commitment to be vulnerable with him more, then what are you saying no to? Probably

Bryan: trying to look like I have it all together, I guess, if that makes sense. So, like, I'd be saying no to, I don't know if I'd say self protection or image management. I'd be saying no to image management. That's maybe the way of looking at it. Is that's going to be Like, he'll, he would get good, bad, and ugly from what it was like when I was young.

Yeah,

Adam Gragg: Okay, and then specifically, [00:28:00] when are you gonna start?

Bryan: I can start today. Start today? We've got practice tonight.

Adam Gragg: Oh, you do? So you, you're committing to in the car ride today?

Bryan: Yeah. I'll tell, I'll tell him the story about my teacher who smoked. I'll do that. I'll do it today.

Adam Gragg: That sounds awesome, man.

Okay. So that's the coaching portion of this. I want to step back and address one thing because when I do coaching, I have a very small insight, legacy plan section. It's. Everybody, every client that works with me is creating a legacy plan, and part of your legacy plan is identifying limiting mindsets that hold you back, things that are going to be repeating themselves, that form in our childhood, often in our early adult formative years, ways we think about situations.

Like, I have a very challenging, I have They have a perfectionistic tendency. It's a mindset. Letting go of that and having grace and not, and just being okay with a seven is really important for me. So clients do that and they, they do other aspects of a [00:29:00] legacy plan, like a vision, a legacy statement. But one of the mindsets that I hear from Bryan here is this, I, and I mean, the way I wrote it down is, do I have what it takes?

Do I have what it takes? Or even you could say like, I might not have what it takes. Like, that would be a mindset. If we could stretch that, it'd be more of like, I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough as a dad would be ways that people could describe that. I don't have like, yeah, there are other people.

I mean, I fear, frankly, don't feel good enough as a dad sometimes for sure. So is that a, in a mindset generally is more generalized. So we have other ways that we look at things like we can say, I'm not good enough in one area here. And also there'll be other areas where you, where you say that you're not good enough.

Is that fair? Yeah. What are the other [00:30:00] areas?

Bryan: Other areas, I think I lack just confidence. I think to. Pursue ambitious. So like, I want to have control over my time, spend more time with my family, but lack the confidence to make those life changes to transform that stuff.

Adam Gragg: Like entrepreneurially?

Bryan: Yeah. Entrepreneurially, I think is one that's. That's a challenge. That's another coaching session.

Adam Gragg: That's a big one right there. Cause so you would lie if you made changes professionally and took a risk, took more risks than maybe you would have more free time, more money, more freedom to be.

Bryan: I don't know that I would necessarily have more free time, but I can choose the time that I have.

~The ~

Adam Gragg: ~entrepreneurial lifestyle. Yeah. You're working all throughout the night, basically. Just kidding. No. So, so if, okay, let's just say this is a, I'm not good enough mindset. All right. So we're going to break this down. And this is again, something I'd probably spend 10, 15 minutes doing in a, in a coaching session.~

So let's look at this for a second. And I'm gonna ask you a few questions to try and create a healthier perspective. A mindset is a lens that we view the world through. It's if we, and we can see all kinds of situations through that lens, but it's going to hinder us. It's going to limit us. So then. [00:31:00] What, what evidence do you have?

Is there anything that you'd say like, this is evidence that that's true, that I'm not good enough in my life. And we'll just go on since we're kind of shifting to a new area, let's just go to this business thing, like entrepreneurially. What evidence do you have that that couldn't work or that you're not, you don't have what it takes?

Bryan: I see other people having more success would maybe be one. So like I see potential competition out there. I see, you know, sometimes I feel like I don't have it. Educational background, right? Like I was not a business student. You know, I don't, all these things about having or running a business, like I don't have that background, right?

Like I've never, yeah. So like it's, it's something completely different. So, so trying to deal with some of that. So being around other people who are maybe more business savvy is something that, That makes me feel [00:32:00] like I'm not good enough. I think it's just it's not a, I'm not good enough. I just, I maybe play it safe. I don't know where

Adam Gragg: How is that evidence though? That's how you, that's how you function in the past? That's

Bryan: how I function in the past. I've, I make decisions around security or safety or predictability mostly out of a sense to have control.

So, but I don't, but it's, it's not, that's not speaking to the evidence of I'm not good enough. Like, that's It's a history. Well, yeah, it's a history. I mean, I'm sure that comes, you know, trying to think, I mean, well, we can go back to my middle school basketball team. I didn't make my middle school basketball team.

Actually, the sixth grade

Adam Gragg: teacher that smoked, he, you're like, hey, this guy. You know,

Bryan: I mean, so like, I think that there's, there's plenty of times that, you know, I've failed at things or a project at work doesn't go [00:33:00] well as I would have liked. You see other people get the promotions or the opportunities and you apply for a transfer, a job opportunity that you don't get.

I've had those in the past. People are like, well, you did a really great job, but we just decided to go with this other guy. Well, that doesn't, you know, so all those, I think little things do give you a message, a little bit of art, you know, can put a little bit of doubt. I think that maybe you're not good enough.

Even though the arena is completely different, if that makes sense.

Adam Gragg: So then, how do you act and think and feel when you focus on this? How do you act and think and feel, when you feel and you are in a mindset, that I'm not good enough? Entrepreneurially.

Bryan: I don't take risks. I don't, you know, yeah, I don't it makes me less likely to put in the work.

Right. I'll just do what I've got and not worry about anything else, I guess. [00:34:00]

Adam Gragg: Yeah,

Bryan: That'd be what I'd say there.

Adam Gragg: How do you feel then? In those situations, like if you could pinpoint emotions, insecure, insecure. Yeah. Don't take risks. And

Bryan: yeah.

Adam Gragg: Yeah.

Bryan: So if you feel insecure, you're going to lean on the things that bring you security.

Adam Gragg: Very good. So that's how you would act. That's more than that. That's how I act in that response. Well,

Bryan: I'm going to do these things that are. Definite, you know, this is not, this is not, this is within my bubble, this is within my sphere of influence, I just stay, stay in this little area, and then I know there's no chance of failure.

Adam Gragg: Right there, and so who, how would you act, think, and feel? If you had 10 times more confidence,

Bryan: I'd probably quit my job tomorrow and just be like, jump in. I was like, we're doing this. We're making it happen. Burn the bridge, burn the bridge and go like, that's probably what it would be. [00:35:00]

Adam Gragg: Tomorrow. Give him two weeks notice.

Well, like, you know what I'm saying? Like, I know.

Bryan: But I would say it.

Adam Gragg: You'd be like, the letter would be written and it'd be delivered.

Bryan: Yeah, it would be

Adam Gragg: It'd

Bryan: be,

Adam Gragg: have you written the letter already?

Bryan: No.

Adam Gragg: Okay.

Bryan: It would prob, it would probably be a end of the, I will say it would be an end of the year thing.

Okay. I don't want to give up on my year end bonus.

Adam Gragg: Sure. That could help you with the move. Okay. Gotcha. Cause you'd have to wait till the end of the year. I gotcha. So you would, what else? I mean, how would you feel then? If you were 10 times more confident about this move? Yeah. And like,

Bryan: Self assured.

Yeah, I don't I don't know how I I don't know what what I mean, I'd feel more confident. I don't know. I don't know another Optimistic, I guess I guess I guess that would maybe be the thing. I would be more I would view the world more through a Through a growth [00:36:00] mindset, like, yeah, it's 10 times more confident.

I'm not going to see things as

Adam Gragg: failures, even when I go my way. Oh yeah. Right. Cause you got that bigger, like, no, the pie is bigger. Yeah. We're just

Bryan: gonna make the pie bigger. We're not worried about our slice of the pie. Yeah. It's going to be a bigger pie.

Adam Gragg: Yeah. It's, you know, that's really interesting.

I will deal with prospective clients quite a bit. And there's two things that happen as I have to feel like they are ready for coaching. And one of the prerequisites is they can picture a bigger future. Like, I think everyone can picture a bigger future if they are going to peel back the layers of the onion, but they might be at a place where they can't quite get there right now.

If they can articulate some of that, like, ok here's what I want, and they can start to, to get some level of like, I'm, at least slightly excited about getting there and hopeful that it can actually happen. And then I get them to actually articulate it more and picture it and make it reality.

There's a point in the conversation when, like, you can sense that they [00:37:00] believe it's possible and you truly believe you can get them there. Like, that's, and you align that, it's like, we got each other, like, we're, we're going to do this. It's going to happen at that point.

Well, I mean, there, there are definitely times, and that's pretty exciting when you have that, because, because it's you're, you're there, you know? What would be a healthier perspective? So this is what I like clients to do is say, okay, my, my challenge is to think I'm not good enough with this entrepreneurial endeavor.

Okay. So what would be a spin or a, a way to phrase that, that would actually be something you could look at every day. And, you're like, this is the truth about that, that could inspire you, you know, Inspire you to push through, you know, yeah. Yeah. I had one client say like, you know, I'm terrified, but I know on the other side is the good stuff, you know, like that was for whatever resonates for you.

I don't know if that would be, I know for me, it's like, you know, taking the action, taking the scary action now is much [00:38:00] better than a future without having taken the scary action. The good scary calculated, scary action, you know, like the, right. The ones that I know you're not reckless. Not reckless, but like that, that to me resonates if I have that on my mind and it can be what I need to get me through.

I mean, it really can be that much can give me that little thing that gives me the inspiration to push forward.

Bryan: The things I want most are on the other side of uncertainty.

Adam Gragg: Okay. Does that give you the, would that inspire you to quit your job? I think it would. All right, cool. The things I want most are on the other side of uncertainty.

One thing about coaching is that I do share some information, but 95 percent of everything should be me asking questions, helping Bryan to go deeper and to realize some things about himself. That can help him to push forward. And a lot of it, for me, is it's hard for me to not want to give advice.

Especially [00:39:00] when I hear, see something like, do this, do that. And I can, and even in this conversation, I made some mistakes. I mean, I asked some leading questions. I, I phrased some things in leading ways. And if I listen to this again, which I will, I'll sense that. But my hope is that, Every question I ask, I'm genuinely curious about which majority I believe I was, and the questions are ones that elicit a response, a thoughtful response, not a yes or no response, but a thoughtful response from Bryan.

One that he has to dig a little bit deeper and go places where he hasn't gone or doesn't want to go or hasn't gone in a while. And then that leads to us actually unpacking it and moving forward with this content. I mean him, him taking it and there's taking it and applying it to his life. And that's really crucial.

So for you as a listener, think about how a coaching conversation could help you. I mean, just having A conversation with somebody, whether it's me or you hiring a coach, somebody on the Decide Your Legacy team can help you to process [00:40:00] through something, that one big accomplishment, the thing that you want to achieve that you can make progress on.

I mean, that's where I start with clients is what is the one thing you want to achieve? And so for Bryan today, he identified that. And then we unpacked that and unpacked a mindset that he could identify that was actually holding him back. I want you as a listener, what is something from this live coaching episode that was an insight, insight that you gained, that you can apply to your life?

And by the end of today, I would encourage you to apply it to your life and teach it to somebody else. Whether it was just about asking coaching questions, about getting more clarity, about how to process through difficult topics with parenting, whatever it is for you. And one thing to think about is if you found this podcast helpful to hit the link again to, and there's a free version, it's Shatterproof Yourself Lite.

It's a 30 minute video and a workbook. A brief workbook that introduces you to the Shatterproof Yourself content, Seven Steps to a Giant [00:41:00] Leap into Mental Health. So hit the link, go over that content, and that's going to help you to understand Shatterproof Yourself and understand how to engage this content as well.

You don't want to miss that. Great stuff. Share this with your friends. Give it a rating and review on Apple or Spotify, wherever you get your podcast content that helps it to grow organically, which it has done and which it is continuing to do. I really appreciate you tuning in. I want to close the way today that I always do.

And I also am going to do more of these live coaching sessions in the future. So reach out if you have other ideas, topics, or if you want to be a client in a live coaching session, I would be willing to entertain that as well and close the way I always do. Make it your mission to live the life now that you want to be remembered for 10 years after you're gone.

You decide your legacy, nobody else. I appreciate you greatly and I'll see you next time. [00:42:00]