Ep142
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Adam Gragg: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Decide Your Legacy podcast. This is episode 1 42. We are approaching 20,000 downloads since we started the podcast, and this is actually the third part of decide on 2025. Today I am gonna cover seven [00:01:00] decisions that I have decided to make to have a great 2025. You're going to be able to make some decisions about your 2025 as well today.

If you haven't heard those first two episodes, you can check those out. That'll help us actually pass 20, 000 downloads. So I'm your host, Adam, Greg, I have been a coach. I'm a coach, a legacy coach. I'm about big futures. I've been a family therapist and mental health professional for over 25 years. My passion.

Is to help people find clarity, clarity that propels them forward to face things in their life so they can live their legacy today. I talk about stuff that I can struggle with myself. I'm a fellow traveler. I don't have it all figured out. And this specific podcast is. It's going to help me as much as it's going to help you because it challenges me as I talk about it.

So every episode I try and [00:02:00] share something I've done recently that is uncomfortable. I want to start each episode sharing something that's uncomfortable because I don't believe that anything is really more important to your mental health than choosing to face your fears. scary things in your life and that nothing is more damaging to your mental health than playing it safe.

Not taking risks, not stupid risks, I mean calculated risks, but doing healthy things, reaching out to people. I have taken the time and put energy into making hard, difficult phone calls, having hard conversations. Over the last week, addressing situations personally and professionally and just being intentional about it.

And it is based on one of the decisions that I made to do scary things at the beginning of the year to not hold back. And I remember at the end of the day on Friday, I thought to myself, even though I did have. some hard conversations. I still avoided some things. And then I talked to a [00:03:00] friend and I was frustrated with myself, but I wasn't choosing to look at the progress I had made.

I was violating my own rule, which is to measure your progress backwards from where you were the day before the week before the year before, not actually where you want to end up. So not forward. So that's, that's when you focus on the gap between where you want to be and where you are now. So I want you to start off with a similar type of action.

I would like you to think about where you were in January of 2024 and then where you are now in January of 2025. So, just think of a couple things. Relationships, financially, professionally, spiritually, physically, with your hobbies, with friendships. Think about where you were then and where you are now.

And as we go through this podcast, you're going to have a chance to make some decisions to make 20 January, 2026 more special than it may be had you not listened to this [00:04:00] podcast, because you're going to take some specific actions. You're going to make decisions. Growth is a process. You know, I had some conversations with clients recently about, which is really what I do specifically.

I ask clients frequently at the beginning of the session, what are you worried about? What are you afraid of recently? And. They'll tell me usually something that's on their mind and it can be that they fear they're going to fail or they're worried about being judged or they're worried about rejection or they're worried that they aren't actually enough.

And then I love starting at the beginning of the session hearing about what they're afraid of so we can unpack it and I'll ask them some questions. And that actually inspired me to think of these last two decisions that I want to make. In 2025, I had already made the decisions, but I'd have more inspiration.

Just hearing how amazing it can be for somebody to actually talk through their worries and then to bring truth to their worries. That's one of the great things of having a good friend or coach. They can [00:05:00] talk you through it. So that is where we're going to actually jump in, in a second. So, but I want to review with you the first five decisions that I have made in 2025.

So decision number one is to keep the big picture in mind and the action. Some of the actions that I encourage you to take are to talk about your vision with somebody that you trust. I mean, dream, think about where you want to be in 10 years and then share it with one person that you trust. That's scary, but it's really going to be helpful to you in order to head in that direction.

The second decision, as I mentioned before, is I've chosen to do some scary things in my life, to face things in my life. What are those fears that I need to face? Will fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of not being good enough, fear of not knowing what I'm going to say next, fear of letting go and it not going well, those are fears.

And I'm choosing to do that more and more. Hopefully that's, I'm, I will tell you this [00:06:00] much too. It's like. Every day, I struggle like when I'm saying this right now, my mindset's really in a good place with my mindset's not in a good place, then I might not be so inclined to want to do those scary things.

The third decision is to know what I bring in situations to know my value, to know what I bring to the table with people, my sense of fun and adventure and joy and to let go of my ego and my status, my desire to have status at times, you know. So the fourth decision is to connect with people. To build friendships, connections, and the action I'm taking is to take advantage of opportunities to get to know people better. People.

I know people I don't know to be curious. And the fifth decision is to think about myself less. So it's this desire sometimes to prioritize and to think about my own self care that one of the best things I could do is to actually think about myself last. By doing that, I think about how I can encourage other people, how I [00:07:00] can actually Help other people.

And the amazing thing about that is when I do that and I strive to encourage other people, I've encouraged myself, I'm taking care of myself in the process. So the sixth decision that I've decided to make, and let's go ahead and jump in is I've decided to notice my mindset. To be more aware of my mindset, to step back from it, to recognize what I'm thinking and to actually observe it and become more curious about it.

You know, my anxiety at times can be through the roof. And a lot of it's because of my past, because I don't want to get hurt again. But when I step back from it, I realized that I don't have to react to it. I can step back and stay calm, even though I don't feel like being calm. And I can talk to myself telling myself that really nothing bad is going to happen in this situation.

That decreases my stress. You know, the [00:08:00] more I focus on controlling things that are actually out of my control, like other people's behaviors and the way other people think and the way other people feel about me, the more stress that I have. And stress is damaging to not only my mental health, but my physical health as well.

And it is for you as well. I have this mindset at times of perfectionism and one of the things that helps me with this damaging mindset of thinking I have to have everything perfect and in order is to look at one of my seven up bottles and to be reminded that I'm actually happiest when I let go and I let things happen and I don't need to overdo it and make it perfect.

I just let it flow naturally. A mindset trick that I like to take clients through. is to ask them. I call it. I call it the fulfillment activity. And what I do is I ask a client or a friend. I've asked probably 15 people this question just in the last month, I would guess. And it's [00:09:00] maybe I'm exaggerating, but some, a lot of people and I'll ask them, tell me about a time when you felt and you can do this as well.

I mean, do this with your kids, even do this with yourself, do this with your spouse, a friend. So tell me about a time when you felt a great sense of fulfillment. After you took an action that you believe you did well, so you did something and it was an action. And then afterwards, you're like, maybe not in the moment, but afterwards you're like, ah, you felt a sense of fulfillment.

And it doesn't matter if it was when you were seven or 17 or 27, but you felt a sense of fulfillment. And then I'll ask them to tell me what they actually did specifically in that situation that brought that sense of fulfillment. So for example, I asked a guy who started a business that this specific question and he told me that he felt a great sense of fulfillment when he went out on his own and he submitted some proposals and actually got some bids.

He owns a construction company the very first time because there were a lot of people that doubted him, but he realized he could make money [00:10:00] because of his business practices. And then what he did specifically that was so fulfilling was that he did this, even though he. Had people doubting him, and even though he doubted himself, but he did it anyway.

And then I'll ask the last part is what specifically about that specific accomplishment was most fulfilling. And that gives people clues into what they can do in their life. That's going to be fulfilling. And he told me that it was to take, to reach out and do something. Well, the most fulfilling part was actually getting the bid.

So actually collecting the money from, from, from them, accepting the proposal and knowing that he could do this. And that was really powerful. So you can do that yourself and that shifts your mindset when you do an activity like that, you know, humor can shift your mindset. My operations director, Lloyd, his daughter recently came up to me and she's five years old, Laurie.

And she said, Mr. Adam. How can you have a daughter? She said, she said, first of all, I said, Mr. Adam, do you have a wife? [00:11:00] And I said, I said, no, I don't have a wife. And then she said to me, well, how can you have a daughter if you don't have a wife? No, she's five years old. Okay. So, so, and I said, well, Lori, I think that's a good question for you to ask your mom and dad.

And they were there with me. I think they heard her ask this question, but I was just like inside cracking up at how honest she is. And you know what, that really is something that is kind of awkward for a five year old to not, they're not going to understand that. So I've laughed a lot over that, just talking to Lloyd and telling that story.

You know, when our mindset. Is focusing on things that are not true, our body is going to feel different than when we focus on things that are true. So when you tell yourself something is true, that's not true, like I like this because it's going to please some other people, you're going to feel different because you're lying to yourself.

You're not being honest. You're just liking something or you're saying yes to something because you want to please them. Now, you want to recognize that feeling because it's going to give you an opportunity to recognize how and when you [00:12:00] can shift your mindset. Quote that I like as I try to get up and be proactive.

Productive every day. I don't let the old guy in. That's Clint Eastwood. Another powerful thing to do, and this is what I was discussing at the beginning of this episode, is that people can go through this cognitive behavioral therapy activity that I've learned in different formats over the years, and Byron Katie.

I got to give her some credit. She calls it doing the work. And there's five questions. So when I ask clients or friends or whoever it is that what are they most worried about? What are they most afraid about right now? Well, they share something with me. So, for example, Somebody recently told me that he didn't feel like he's good enough.

So he was struggling to feel that in his job, he was good enough. And he works with, he works in a helping profession. So he works helping [00:13:00] kids actually. And he was He was telling me he didn't feel good enough. So the questions that I would ask in that situation, and I'd love for you to see this live at some point, because it's kind of miraculous how people's mindset can change before your eyes and you see their demeanor just change in the process.

So I'll ask, you know, first of all, Well, is it true? Is it true that you don't have anything to offer these, these kids? I mean, is it true that you don't have anything to offer them and that they're not being helped at all? And then he'll say, well, it feels true. Or yes, maybe he'll say, and in this case said, yeah, it feels true.

It definitely feels true at times. And then the second question is, is it a hundred percent true? And then when they answer that question, is it a hundred percent true? People, if they're honest, they'll say, no, it's not a hundred percent absolutely true. And that puts some level of doubt in Some level of space between that thought that feels very real to them.

Like I'm not good enough. And the fact that it may not be [00:14:00] completely accurate. Maybe there's an aspect of it that's true, but it's not the whole story. And that's crucial to recognize that it's not the whole story. It's not absolutely a hundred percent true. And then I'll ask the third question is how do you act and behave around those kids when you believe it's true that you're not helpful?

And these are teenagers and these are teenagers that are struggling and teenagers that are not necessarily really well behaved. And so these kids may not act like they're very receptive to being helped. But the answer in that case was, well, I act passive and I don't engage and I'm not really confident around the kids.

I don't actually reach out, doubt myself, I doubt if I have much to offer. And so I don't actually offer much. That was the answer, something like that. And then the fourth question is. And the way Byron Katie would ask it is, who are you without this thought? So I'd like to ask it saying, and this is my own, just my own flavor to it is, you know, how would you behave?

What would you do if, if, you know, you didn't believe that was true? You know, you didn't really believe that thought was true that you don't have anything to offer. I think, I think [00:15:00] the way it's phrased by Byron Katie is, you know, if I didn't have the thought is brilliant, I think it's wonderful.

And, you know, his answer was something like, I would engage, I would just have fun, I would relax, I'd be myself. And then the fifth part of that, that I'll ask a client is, what's a healthier, more accurate perspective that takes in all the information? And it's going to often be something like, sure, at times I'm not as helpful as I want to be.

And when I work hard and I try my best and I let go, I'm very helpful. And these kids have been impacted and that's going to inspire them. And then there's other questions I'll ask as well. Like, how does it benefit you to think this worrisome, have this worrisome mindset and they can. Really, if they're honest, they'll accurately say, they'll say something like, well, it motivates me or it, you know, it keeps me safe.

It protects me from engaging, which is what he identified in this little activity right here. So one of the things I would love to do, and I just thought about this preparing for this podcast is to have some live. And I do record this [00:16:00] sometimes for clients and I'll send it to them, which I did on Friday with a client and send it to the guy.

And I think it was helpful. I haven't actually done that before. I don't believe maybe I have, but it's been a while. I'd love to record things, actually have a live video session. So over zoom, where you can see and even volunteer for me to walk you through a mindset shifting activity. So you can see somebody go through this or you can go through it yourself.

So look out for that because I'm going to do that at some point, maybe sooner rather than later. But I'd love to, I'd love for you to see that whole thing right there. See that mindset shift happen. 'cause when you do, you'll believe that you can make that shift yourself. And I do that on myself. You know, when I struggle, when I'm able to step back and be aware, which is the decision that I'm making, then I ask myself those same, very same questions.

So if I struggle with thinking I'm gonna fail, I'm not gonna do a good job with a speaking event, or I'm not gonna do a good job with some kind of a production, a podcast, a [00:17:00] course shatterproof that we've been working on for a while. And I can ask myself those questions. Is it true? Is it a hundred percent true?

How do I act when I believe it's true? What would I do? How would I act if I didn't believe it's true and then what's a healthier perspective? So if you can build new thinking habits into your life, okay You can do some things to start training your mindset and I want you to download the decide your legacy app on Android or In the app store on Apple, the iOS version, and then in shatterproof yourself light, which you will get access to.

It's a free 30 minute course on these very steps that I'm talking about here. These decisions, seven steps to a giant leap in your mental health. I also call those seven steps to never getting old as well. So, but in that. Bonus section of Shatterproof Yourself Light. There's a daily action worksheet.

There's a video you can watch and I walk you through these mindset shifting habits that I've built [00:18:00] into my life and that many, many of my clients have built into theirs. And the new legacy group that just started, they're doing this every day. At least that's their commitment is to do it every day where they engage in the daily action worksheet, which takes you five to 10 minutes in the morning, five to 10 minutes in the evening.

The seventh decision. that I have made is to notice my emotions, not just notice my thinking, but actually notice how I'm feeling. Amazing. You know, that's one book that helped me to start noticing how I'm thinking is called the untethered soul by Michael Singer. Highly recommend that book because it has a chapter called the voice inside your head.

And then the has another chapter, I think it's chapter two. It's called my inner roommate. And it helps you to think of that voice, that thinking as external. And it's a part of you. That's not actually you. Well, this seventh decision is to notice my emotions. So when I noticed my emotions, I'm noticing that I'm feeling anxious or I'm feeling sad, or I'm feeling excited, or I'm feeling [00:19:00] confident.

And then I'm asking myself, well, why what's going on? That's leading to me feeling that way. So I'm allowing myself space between my emotional state, my emotions, and then. My reaction. And so Viktor Frankl in man's search for meaning, he called this the stimulus, the space, the stimulus and the response.

Okay. So something happens and your stim there's, there's a trigger in your life. So someone says something offensive and then you have a space between whether how you respond. So when there's no space, I call that a reaction. When there is a bigger space, I call it a response.

So he was a psychiatrist, a Jewish psychiatrist who was in a Nazi Germany. He was in a concentration camp for a long period of time and he survived. He wrote this great book, but that's one of the concepts that stuck with me from that book. The first time I was ever introduced to that concept about the space between stimulus and response was in Stephen Covey's the seven habits of highly effective people.

Another great book. [00:20:00] That I'd highly recommend you read. So just reference three books right there. And we can link in the show notes to all three of those books. We will make sure we do that. And there's another thing I want to make sure I link to, which I didn't actually even reference, but it's an article based on it's called.

Replacing damaging core beliefs. It's on shifting your mindset. It's an article I wrote over a year ago that we'll link to in the show notes as well. And it has those five questions that I shared with you listed out in that article. So, and that's on the sixth decision that I'm making, which is to notice my thinking.

So the seventh decision to just jump back in, I want to notice my emotions. To observe my feelings and not actually take orders from them. When you don't observe your feelings, you can just react to them. And then you don't actually process them by understanding what is really going on in this situation.

So you get stuck in these emotional States. I can in some call them emotional homes. [00:21:00] I heard Tony Robbins refer to it that way. I even like to think about it as, as, as we are not. We are, we are not real. We're not learning from our emotions. We have, we have, we're getting stuck on them. I mean, it's like we are, we're in brain lock on our emotions, you know, so we are stuck right there and we can do things that are not actually productive when we get stuck in an emotional state, like numbing type activities.

So that's when people often scroll on their phone. And spend a lot of time doing so. They get consumed by distractions that aren't productive. It may be a goal. That's not the best goal for them to focus on right now. Cause they're avoiding a bigger goal, like facing a fear. It may be that they're drinking or smoking or getting involved in some kind of unhealthy, toxic behaviors that can damage their life.

And so that's the emotional state they're not becoming aware of. So they're too comfortable in that state. They're not getting [00:22:00] space from it. So an activity I like to take a team teams through sometimes, and when I do group team activities, so I'll work with core leadership teams with companies frequently, and I like to do icebreakers to get people started.

And sometimes what I've. First, connect with a team of managers of leaders at a company. I will do and have them engage in an icebreaker where they get to know each other better, even though they already work with each other, because I tend to realize that they're probably uncomfortable in this setting, getting in a more intimate setting with their coworkers, where people are starting to talk about real issues. My passion is people talk about the real stuff, building cohesive teams where they're addressing the core issues. They're not avoiding conflict. They're seeing it can be healthy and productive. So one of the activities that I'll do to get their emotions, their guards down. So maybe they're really kind of fearful of the interactions that could take place.

So I'll have them do an activity where they select a coin from a jar, and then they share something that happened in their life on the date. That's actually on that coin. [00:23:00] Or I'll have them answer some specific questions like their first job, their worst job, their favorite snack, and then something challenging in their childhood.

Sometimes I'll have them pick a random number and everyone answers the same question from a question jar from the legacy jar, which is a tool, communication tool that I've been selling for over a decade. So I want you to see how you can help people become more comfortable with their emotions by challenging them to face their emotions.

So even though they're uncomfortable and don't want to actually talk or they don't want to actually share because they're feeling anxious, they're feeling some shame about their life, they do it anyway. And they see on the other side. Is freedom and growth and all the good stuff is on the other side. So I want to link in the show notes as well to an article on my 50 favorite relationship building questions.

And there's one on my favorite icebreakers for teams and families [00:24:00] as well. This whole concept of having an emotional home, let me dig a little deeper into that. So when we are in a negative emotional state, our energy is different. I mean, think about it. If you're sad on a scale of one to 10, where's your energy level?

It's probably going to be low, like a two or a three on a scale of one to 10, 10 is high, one is low. And if you're excited, where's your energy level? I mean, it's implied in that, that it's probably high. When you're confident, where's your energy level? So what happens is we become more comfortable with certain emotional states, and we don't regulate our emotions.

That was what I, that's the phrase I was looking for before, is when we have an emotional state, whether it's a positive or negative one, we have the ability to step back from it and regulate ourselves. So we don't have to get consumed by that emotional state. So we're stuck in it. We can learn from it. So I would challenge you, and this is what I'll do with clients, is I'll challenge people to identify a couple negative emotions and a couple positive emotions that over the last week they have experienced, at least [00:25:00] more than twice.

And so they'll share some things. So if I look at my life over the last week, and I wrote this down, he has some negative emotions I have felt, and one is shame, one is fear, and one is sadness. And then some positive emotions I felt, one is confidence, excitement, and then love. So what have been your emotional homes?

Where have you gotten comfortable? And people will become comfortable in certain emotional states. So imagine, and this can be for me sometimes, I can get stuck in fear and be comfortable in fear. And then when I don't feel fear, then I automatically start thinking in my mind that something bad must happen because I need that fear because that keeps me safe.

So I'll start to make myself anxious again, or I'll start a problem when there is actually no problem. Not a good thing, but it can be A faulty sense of motivation for myself now. You're identifying that shame or sadness or anxiety or fear is an emotional home for you. Well, you can do some things about it.

I mean, you can [00:26:00] recognize it first of all, and you can talk about it and journal about it and just start becoming aware that you have lived in a state of fear or shame and you don't actually have to because you can actually live in a state where. You're feeling more confidence and you're feeling more excitement.

You're going to go back to that state at times, but you don't have to actually make it your home. You can leave that home and build a new home and you build a new home of self confidence. I mean, imagine the impact that would have on your life. One of the best things you can do and the action I would challenge you to take is to identify what in your life you can be grateful for.

Okay. Now this is a huge deal. Gratitude builds this sense of I'm going to be more comfortable being confident and reaching out. And the great thing about that is that that gratitude, and I'm going to link to 25 of my favorite gratitude building questions in the show notes as well. Lots of links in this episode, but the great thing about gratitude is that when you start to let it sink in, you also start.

To love [00:27:00] other people and you start to see that you have a bunch to give to other people and you start to realize that what you have to offer is really powerful and it starts being less about you and more about love because that's what we really want. That's what I find that people want. It's amazing.

When I see that, people come and they talk to me and a lot of times they don't feel like they're making the biggest difference in their life. They want to have an impact, but they feel stuck. And then I see what happens when they realize that they can give back in a powerful way. And it doesn't matter what age they are.

Very successful people oftentimes I work with that have had very successful careers, made a lot of money, impacted a lot of people professionally, experts in their field, really great at whatever they do, yet they feel this sense that their life is not satisfying and fulfilling. And I get to help them tap into that emotion of confidence because they realize that they have so much to give and they get past that feeling of insecurity, which has been their home, and they get to see that they can start to build a new home in this [00:28:00] state of excitement and confidence and love and giving back.

So we have talked about some really powerful stuff right here. I mean, this is cool stuff. I'm so inspired myself. I got to remember this decision. One to focus on the big picture, to not get stuck. The bigger, the future I have, the more I remember it, the bigger and better today actually is.

The second decision is to face scary things in my life. The third, to know what I bring to the table and to be okay with it, to be glad that I can bring this sense of excitement and adventure. And positivity to people, because I have that when my mindset's in a good place. Number four decision to encourage other people, to give people courage, to build relationships, five, focus less on myself, more on giving back number six, to shift my mindset, to notice my mindset and number seven, to respond, not react.

remember, insight is 20 percent of change. You've gained insight today, inspiration and insight. 80 percent is action. You apply that inspiration, that information [00:29:00] becomes insight and inspiration, and then you apply it. So a good plan violently executed today is better than a perfect plan. Executed next week.

That's general patent. In other words, a good plan that you act on is a hundred times better than a great plan. You do nothing with, okay, you got it. Don't wait. Start today. What resonated with you most today? By the end of the day, today, Apply something you've learned, and if you really want it to stick, teach it to somebody else.

I'll sign off the way I always do, make it your mission to live the life now that you want to be remembered for 10 years after you're gone. You decide your legacy, nobody else. I appreciate you greatly, I believe in you, and I will talk to you next time. [00:30:00]