So someone I really care about was hurt

a couple weeks ago, and I talked to them on the

phone and we had a good conversation. It was positive, but I wanted to

spend more time with them because they were hurting and

they wanted more space. But I got angry inside.

I didn't react that way. In fact, I was able in that

moment to. Instead of getting angry and lashing out, I

called a friend and I processed it. And I realized, you know, I was making

it about me. That was what was driving my anger when it was really about

them.

I thought about doing a podcast on this topic, and that's what I'm going to

do today. It's about don't make it about yourself. Three

lessons. This is the Decide youe Legacy podcast. This is episode number

150, big one here. So I've been doing this for

over four years, and by the end of

this podcast, you're going to be inspired to stay

calm in situations where you are potentially making it about

yourself and not, and then learn how to lean in

and give other people what they need in that situation. You'll have ideas on

how you can interact with people, physical people, and conversation,

and ideas on how you can respond to emails, not making it

about yourself, making it about them. So I'm Adam Gragg. I've been a

family therapist and legacy Coach for over 25 years. I founded

Decide youe Legacy in 2012. We're a corporate development

and legacy coaching firm. Our purpose

is to empower every person and organization

to live with courage. So, as I do in every

episode, I want to start talking about an uncomfortable action that I took

recently. Real one that I took. And because

nothing is more important to your mental health than living

courageously, nothing's more damaging than just playing it safe.

So what I did is in that specific situation, I

didn't lash out. I wanted to. I wanted to express my

hurt. You should want to talk to me. You should want to spend time with

me. Instead. Instead, I stayed

calm and I called my buddy. And then I

realized, ate some humble pie. I realized that I can do

that in a lot of interactions. When I feel anger, it's

because I'm making it about my feelings and not about what the other

person is actually going through. So here's the action I want you to start

with. How do you make it about yourself when it's

actually about the other person? Is it with your kids? Is it when

someone tells you no? Is it when things don't actually go your way? You.

You're focusing on you and you're in this

moment, maybe in this podcast, you're having to actually do some soul

searching and eat some humble pie yourself. You'll realize

in situations where it was derailed because you

took it personally, it was your hurt when it was really about

somebody else. So when someone mistreats

you and, or when somebody's sad, when somebody's

angry, do you want to fix it? I do. A lot

of times, if you're anything like me, you're in situations

where you're compelled, at least you feel compelled to go

ahead and jump in and you're focused on how you feel

and not how the other person is feeling. So you're going to learn about

emotional health, emotional intelligence today and learn

how to not make it about you and realize

it's not about you. Okay? So these three lessons

you're going to learn today and you're going to see and I can

see that I can get very selfish. And when I do that, when I take

it personally, I'm giving my power away to that situation. I'm

reacting, I'm getting in the gutter, I'm hitting bowling a gutter ball and

it's not doing me any good. When I realize it's not about me, then I

take back that power and I have much more ability

to stay calm and to actually ask questions and be

curious. So the very first lesson is that it's actually

about them. It's about them.

Have you had people in your life who listen to you?

It's powerful when they make it about

you. I have had people in my life that way. My grandfather was

one of them. He would listen and he would not give

me direct feedback until he understood. It's about what the

other person is going through, what they have experienced. One thing to keep

in mind is paying attention to other people's lives

is a secret to success. It's actually far,

far better to be interested in other people

than to be interesting to other people.

When you listen, you grow. When you learn,

you grow. I can think

of times where I'm going to speak or do a podcast

and when I make it about myself, I'm

trying to share impressive stories. I'm trying to be funny.

I'm try, try, try. It's all about me. It's all about how they react to

me. Do they like my social media posts? Do they react

to me the way I want them to react to me? It's selfish and self

focused, but that's actually incredibly draining. I find

that when I make it about and I realize it's about them. I

enjoy the interaction much better. I enjoy speaking at a much higher level.

I still have to be prepared and do my own job to get ready and

show up and rehearse. But it's more fun

because I know it's actually about them and helping

them in whatever situation they're going through.

You can practice doing kind things to other

people without actually being found out. That's a way to not make

it about yourself. It takes the even the opportunity to make it

about yourself, away from the situation. It's tempting

to want recognition. I get it. I get

it. But you won't be offended if they don't

give you recognition because you didn't do it for that reason in the first place.

You can practice that. And when you start realizing that it's about

them, you gain understanding. You listen,

you learn, and then you start making progress. You start

growing. And that's the second lesson. The

second lesson that I've learned by eating some humble pie is that

it's not only is it about them, it's about growth.

This situation is about growth. The

more I contribute to other people's lives, the better

my life gets. And if I intentionally move

the emphasis away from what's in it for me

to what's in it for them and remember this

backdrop of I'm actually going to be able to grow through this,

then it changes the whole dynamic of the interaction. I bet you can

relate to this. You have people in your life who tend to

bait you. Maybe they do it intentionally, maybe they don't do it

intentionally, but they do it consistently. And you

can either take the bait or not take the bait. But, you know, a lot

of these interactions with people that you care about or that you're close to, or

people that maybe you don't even actually like, or you're distant with, but they

continually do things, and you know you're going to step into that situation where they're

going to bait you. Well, when you realize that it's actually about

growth, then you're also going to realize that this is a

chance for you to grow. And how you react to this situation is a chance

for you to grow. Now you can lash out, which I think of the word

reaction as being negative. There's a very small space between that

thing that irritates me, the bait, and then what I actually

do, my action. There's a small space because I'm not

intentionally choosing to make the space bigger by knowing what I'm actually

dealing with. A response is where there's actually a big space,

and you're doing things to increase that space. You have

actions that, you know, work. Being prepared could

be one of them. Journaling could be one of them. Breathing can be one of

them. But it gives you the ability to make an intentional versus an

unintentional reaction in small space. An intentional reaction is what we're talking

about here. When you realize it's about growth, you're going to be able to intentionally

react and not lash out and not internalize and release it.

And remember that they're trying to bait you. Not even knowing it, they're trying

to bait you. And you don't have to actually get consumed by it. So rather

than getting consumed by it, you can be grateful for it because it's an

opportunity for you to realize that you can handle these difficult

situations. Politicians who I find that are successful, they

can learn to do this. They remember it's about growth, and they can stay on

the growth path. So that whiteboard I

talked about in two episodes ago that I show clients, as I put in the

very top right corner, ideal, and this is their ideal growth

in their life. How do you want your life to be in a year? How

do you want your relationship to be in a year? How do you want your

health to be in a year? And then on the bottom, I put word today,

and I draw a squiggly line from today to

that ideal. And if you stay on the line,

above the line, growing, then you're going to be making

progress. Below the line is the drama that you can get consumed

in when you make it about you. You're getting consumed into the drama. When

you realize it's about them and what they're going through. You're not going to be

consumed by the drama. You're staying above the line and you're making progress.

I had a situation on Easter where I

wanted some family to do things that I wanted to

do, to engage in activities that I wanted to engage

in. In fact, to have a meal at a time when I wanted to have

the meal and my schedule I had arranged in a certain

way. And it didn't happen the way I wanted it. I was making it about

myself. I wasn't taking into consideration them in that

situation. And I got pretty discouraged by it. I got pretty down

about it. But I was making it about me, not

growth. It was not about me, it was about them. And it was an opportunity

for me to grow, to realize I can listen and try to understand where they're

coming from and not react and step back and talk to friends and do

things that were healthy to help me have an

intentional response. And a big part

of this lesson of realizing it's about growth is also

realizing that it's going to grow your relationships

when you don't make it about yourself. And that's the third

lesson, is it's not about me, it's about

them. And it's about connection. It's about growth. It's about

connection. So you can resolve that in any

interaction. And I mean any interaction you can resolve, which means you're

committing, you're deciding that the other person is going to leave that

interaction actually feeling encouraged, feeling better about

themselves than when that conversation had actually started. When you

realize that it's about them, you can realize it's also about connection with

them. And you can make it

your goal to lead the conversation in a way where it's

directed at helping them to feel better, to achieve some

goal, to make progress and not get consumed in the drama. You have the

ability to do that. That's a great lesson.

It's also very empowering. So when people are struggling and they're emotional

and they're even critical of you and they're mean, you can see

it as actually as an opportunity,

not an obstacle. You can show empathy for what other

people are going through. I grew

up in a situation where I didn't always feel seen

and heard. It's partly being a middle child, partly having a younger brother

who's four and a half years younger, partly my

personality, partly what I had gone through. And I would perform

athletically. I would even brag about myself. I would do things to get

attention. I would do all kinds of things. Some of

them were actually positive. But if I realize now and think

back that I still have that tendency to want to

impress, then I have more space from it and I'm not

consumed by it. It's helpful. And then I realize

that that insecurity and anxiety isn't going to lead me towards better

relationships. So I can calm myself. I

can handle it in a much more appropriate way.

Another example, and I bet you can relate to this at some level, is

socially, that if I am afraid of

somebody, if I'm trying to control the outcome. So let's say

that I'm trying in a business meeting to impress people or impress

a client. I want it to go in a certain way. I can be a

good leader trying to make sure it's centered on them and getting information and

understanding, or I can make it centered on me and channel

the conversation into what I can get out of the conversation. And then

I'm hypersensitive. I become very calculated in my interacting with

them because I don't want it to get. I don't want to get it to

go bad. I want them to leave inspired. So there's a. There's a

balance between that. If you're in your heart with a heart of peace,

you're making it about connecting with them and growing the relationship. Then you're going

to be able to let go of that and even point out things that they

don't necessarily want to hear, but build the relationship. You're honest with them

about stuff that you see, which is what a good friend does in a kind

way, with a heart of peace. It's a skill you build, but you have this

inclination that this is a healthy. Not a spontaneous

reaction, but it's a healthy. You're inspired

within to share something that you believe could be helpful with them. And it may

be hard to hear, but you're challenging them. That's a courageous action.

It's not calculated because you didn't prepare for it. It just came to you in

the moment. That's what builds relationships. It's not driven by anxiety,

it's driven by courage. Courage is the antidote to

anxiety. And the more you're courageous, the more you

draw other courageous people to you. The more you're anxious, the

more anxiety is contagious and you draw. You create

anxious situations with people because you're trying to

control. So sometimes when I try to plan

things with friends and family, I can get controlling, and I

don't want to experience the resistance that other people have. When I realize it's about

growth and it's about connection, then even if they say no,

I'm willing to still engage. I'm willing to still do the thing that can connect

people, invite people, plan things. Because that's playing the

long game. When you realize it's about growth, you're able to step back from

it and play the long game. In your relationships, in your career and the decisions

you make because you make hard decisions, you'll address things

that you're potentially avoiding. You'll face stuff.

And instead of being grouchy when people don't want to do what you want to

do, you're going to stay calm, inspired,

and stay the course, remembering that it's not about you,

it's all about them and their fear in that situation.

Then you stay out of the drama and you stay moving towards the progress.

So you have three Lessons to learn. It's

not about you, it's not about me, it's about them. That's lesson number one. It's

about growth. That's lesson number two. It's about relationships. That's lesson

number three. So what's one specific piece of insight

that you gained from today in this episode,

episode number 150 that you can apply by the end of the

day? Do something with that insight.

That's how it sticks. Teach it to somebody else.

And if you found this helpful, check out

Shatterproof. Seven small steps to a Giant leap in Mental

health. In your mental health. These are

actions and whiteboards and content I've used with clients for over

25 years, thousands of clients.

Stuff that will help you, you go through this self paced

course. Check it out. Hit the link below as well. So

insight which you hopefully, which I know if you were

listening, you gained today, that's just 20% of change.

Action is 80%. A good

plan that you act on is a hundred times better than

a perfect plan that you sit on and perfectionate

about. There's no positive change until you decide

to change. Decide today because your legacy depends on it.

And to decide means that you're eliminating

other options. Your legacy is the impact that

your life has on other people. So do me a Favor, episode

number 150. Share this episode with a friend,

letting him know what was helpful to you specifically, that's a vulnerable

thing. It helped me in this way because I can make it

about me. Check it out so and give it a

rating and review on Apple or Spotify. That really helps

it to grow organically, to help and reach

more people. So I want to go ahead and close the way I always do.

Live the life today that you want to be remembered for 10 years

after you're gone. You decide your legacy, nobody else.

And either you will decide your legacy or by default, fear is

going to decide it for you. Live courageously. I appreciate you greatly

and I'll see you next time.