I did something uncomfortable. I reached out to a lady

on Facebook who I don't know, had a few mutual

connections, but I asked her, said hello and

Facebook messaging. She said hello back. Do I know you? I said no.

Then I gave her some information on why I was reaching out. She was athletic

and she looked like a good mom and all this. We set up a time

to go get coffee randomly. She's pretty brave and she lives in my

hometown, my town that I live in right now. But then she canceled 30

minutes in advance of us getting together and my drama

meter went on kind of high alert because I'm kind of sensitive to that.

I don't know if it was drama or not, but it made me think, I

don't know, could she have communicated better? She hadn't reasoned and she apologized and

I'm assuming the best, that she's in school and she had a lot of things

going on. Totally fine. I get it. But I did think, you know, how do

we prevent drama from entering into our lives? Because

it can be extraordinarily draining. I have invited it into

my life. Not I don't, I guess willingly at times, but I don't

want it in my life.

So we're going to talk about that in this episode of the Decide youe Legacy

podcast, how to stay out of

Drama. So by the end of this episode, you're gonna see recognize

how you've allowed it into your life at times and be

motivated to step out of it. Don't step in that turd.

So I'm Adam Gragg. I'm a legacy coach and a family

therapist. I teach people how to build trust

and communicate healthy relationships.

Something's going on. At Decide youe Legacy we have a course called Shatterproof

Yourself. And. And it's some foundational concepts

to building your mental health. One of those sections on building

healthy relationships discusses and dives in deep

to staying out of drama. Check it out. We have a

community that you get along with purchasing. The course Six months comes along

with the course. We have a monthly Q and A monthly

live interactive events as well. Why

do you not want to have drama in your life? For many different reasons.

Because first of all, you don't reach your goal. You don't head towards in

the direction you want to head in. You're distracted from the core issues of

your life and you're not actually engaging in what's going to bring long

term change. You're getting stuck in the same old stuff that's kept

you held back in the past. It's safe and comfortable, but you're not actually

growing. When you can see drama as a safety

mechanism, it's more comfortable than actually where you want to head,

then it can motivate you to get out of that stuff. So

question I have for you is what drama are you engaged in

currently? Is it with friends, family, with your job? Is

it within yourself?

Stay out of drama. Got three keys that

you can utilize, three things you want to do to stay out of this stuff.

And you know, one of these keys is not to cancel people or distance from

people. It's the pendulum swing thing. We get hurt in

relationships and then we think we'll go to the opposite extreme in order to cope

and it ends up actually being equally as damaging on both extremes.

In the middle, where balance is found in the pendulum is where you're

learning how to live with, how to relate to people. You're

learning to trust yourself. You're learning to engage people in a healthy way.

Not canceling them out of your life, not distancing and not being

aggressive or passive in the process. So the first key is to

be a leader. That's going to help you to actually step out of the drama.

Because being brave has a lot of different benefits. You have less anxiety

when you're brave, after you do something that's brave, after you are being a leader,

after you are setting the direction of the

conversation, after you're not getting defensive, after

you're engaging in a healthy manner. You actually, when you

are brave, your relationships get healthier. You become

creative because it takes a ton of energy

to engage in things that are

fear based, where you're trying to be safe. It takes a ton of

energy to be stuck in that drama stuff. Junk.

So one thing that happens here, and as I go through these three keys, I'm

going to give you examples of how you can step back, common examples of how

people do get sucked into drama and then what you can do to step out

of it. So gossip triangulation. Triangulation is a family

therapy term and it means that you have

an issue with one person and they're represented as one corner of the

triangle. You're one corner of the triangle, but you go to a third party.

So you triangulate through a third party to get and communicate

information to that other person in the triangle.

My mom sometimes has said, and I'm the middle child, she said to me, well,

your brother and sister, they agree with, they think this is the right thing to

do. You know, they agree with me on that. Well, that's Triangulation. So what

do you do? One thing you can do is you

can say something like, huh,

I don't have an opinion on that. So if you don't really have an

opinion on that, you can just say, I don't have an opinion on that because

they're saying something. Potentially it's

a, it's a triangulation because they're trying to put. My mom's trying to pull me

into agreeing with everybody else and maybe I don't have an

opinion on it. Or so that's interesting. That's interesting.

Then she has to sit with it, wow, I'm not being sucked into it.

So I mean, the, when you say that I don't have an opinion on that,

that's a really good thing to say. When they're saying something negative,

potentially, like this person is not.

It's a co worker situation and they're saying something about their co

worker, well, you know, her life is a mess and she's late to work all

the time and she is creating, you know, all these

problems. She's going to get fired. What do you think about that? And you say,

I don't have an opinion on that. Even though you may have an opinion on

that. I mean, you may have a strong opinion on that. You're not getting sucked

in, triangulated in, because you're just simply stating, I don't have an

opinion. And that's not being dishonest because you don't feel it's appropriate to share your

opinion there. So you don't have an opinion to give. I, I know that's kind

of nuanced there, but I feel good about that. In really

any situation where there's gossip saying that I don't have an opinion that

I'm willing to share, I mean, you could say that as well. That's fine.

So you don't have an opinion on it and you're not going to get sucked

into it. So you can

be a leader also, because that key to be a leader. You can be a

leader by leading the direction of the conversation. So it's very

common for somebody to want to sway you to their position or to want to

pull you into the drama because they're going to feel more comfortable there. They like

that turmoil. People do feel that way. I mean, it can be a childhood

thing. You had chaos as a child, so you feel like there's going to be,

there's a sense of security. When there's chaos at work, there's got to always be

a problem. You can think of another way of looking at drama

is you need somebody to blame. There's need to be some distraction.

That's an excuse to avoid the real core issue. We're gonna look at this other

thing, and it could be something legit, but it's not the core issue at play.

So people will pull you in, okay, let's talk about this issue.

And instead, one great thing you can say is.

Is something like, well, that's a valid concern, but this is the issue we're

addressing right now. So. And a good example would be that you're

talking about creating. You're talking about

some event for your business, your Christmas party for your business. And then you bring

up the fact, somebody brings up the fact that the. The

Thanksgiving party was a flop and it sucked, you know, and they want to get

you sucked into talking about how that last event wasn't very good. But

instead you can say. You can validate, say, well, hey, I hear your opinion

here, but let's talk about the Christmas party. That's less leading. You're not

getting sucked into that because they may not want to talk about it because they

want an excuse to not have to go. They want an excuse to not have

to go to the Christmas party. Seen that you may have experienced

something like that. I'm sure you probably have at your workplace. They bring up

unrelated issues to get you to suck, to get you sucked into

the drama sucks, but to get you sucked into something

unrelated to the main issue at hand. So be brave. Don't

give. Don't give your power away. And so that. That leads me to

the second key is no matter what,

no matter what, do not give your power away. And you are giving

your power away when you avoid. You are giving your power

away. When you're passive aggressive, you are giving your power away to

the other person, to the other situation. You can say it doesn't bother you anymore,

but you're truly not stepping back from it and saying it is what it is.

You're giving your power to that person or that situation. You're giving your power away.

When you're aggressive, when you get very defensive. I mean, defensiveness is not

what I want you to do. That is a sign of you being sucked into

the drama. You have got to be willing to

be uncomfortable to not give your power away.

It's in how you interact with them. You don't have to give your opinion on

a situation. If somebody accuses you, I mean,

a common situation can be somebody accuses you

of something, you know, I can Think of

situations where family will accuse me of being

uneducated politically, not engaging in the media, not

looking at content. But really what they're saying is you don't agree

with me. So I'm going to say that you're uneducated because you don't agree with

me. Well, that's not really the truth right there. But I can get so defensive

and say, well, I read this and I read my own content and I just,

I'm very careful and selective on my news or whatever. But that's still

defensive. Why do I have to defend that? I mean, their, their

comments are trying to bait me into defending myself.

Instead, if you step back from it, try this.

Asking a question like did you mean for that to come across

as degrading

and see what they say and then pause after you ask that

so you don't have to respond right away to

what people actually say. You can take time. So somebody says

something to you like they have to me, like you're uneducated. All those

people in Kansas, you know, they don't know what they're talking about. If I

pause for five seconds, I have experience

where people will self correct because I'm not initial. I'm not just

jumping in, in defensiveness. I'm pausing, I'm counting in my mind. Maybe it's seven

seconds. But they're like, you know what? I just kind of, they

thought about it in their own head. Like, I am sounding like a total

jerk, man. I'm, I'm sounding like I'm being very judgmental.

What am I doing here? And like, dude, I'm sorry, that didn't come across

well. I've had that happen before, you know, one, one person, actually.

My aunt. I've, I've had that happen with her. And it's been kind of

cool to see because it's been practicing. You know, you practice this stuff and

you realize it works and you just don't respond. And

then they come back around. It's like, wow, that's really cool because

there's a lot of dignity and self respect in that.

You don't take the bait. You know, you can validate their opinion. You

can say, I can tell you're very passionate about this

when they're trying to suck you in. I can

tell this really means a lot to you. I can tell this really means a

lot to you. And so another way to not give away your power is to

figure out what is really the core issue

at play here. And how can I address that core

issue without getting sucked into the

diverting issues. So somebody, the core

issue can be to be heard and loved and valued.

And if you can see that and you can give them that,

you're not giving your power away. You're actually giving them what they need.

You're taking and maintaining the fact that you can lead and be the

powerful person in this interaction. You're showing them that you care

and you're rising above that distraction

to give them what you want. Like, for somebody that

is criticizing you or saying that, and I know I can get it's

okay to be criticized. I mean, it just part of life, it's not like something

you're going to totally get away from. You don't want to just avoid any person

that's going to ever say anything critical to you. I mean, that's not healthy.

So if in close relationships in my life, they could say things

that they can sting and hurt, but if I'm

able to say to myself, they want connection through

this and actually give them some connection, I can tell you're really passionate about it.

Or tell me more about that. Even if it's a critical comment, that shows a

lot of strength and it does lead me to the very last key

that I'd encourage you to engage in

is to

have your. Is to really have dignity. I mean,

so I want to give you a couple other examples. You have

respect for yourself. Okay? So really what we're talking about here, so

if you think about and you step back from your own life and you realize,

you know, I like this person, I'm going in a good direction, you're

looking. But you have to be confident in yourself. I mean, you can't manufacture that.

But it's. If you know that you're

heading somewhere with your life and you're willing to go there

regardless of all the distraction, you're

willing to go there because you believe in it so much and you have this

vision that you're so passionate about, you're not going to be

willing to give away your power because you're going to see that there are

going to be situations that are going to try to derail me. There are going

to be people that are going to try and get in the way. I know

it's going to happen. I know it's going to come. But I'm going to be

willing to continue to continue to move

forward regardless of that. So

people can be invalidating. And I know for

me, and I look at my own situation in life is people will say I'm

too sensitive and I'M kind of sensitive. I mean, I'm kind of like, I

have had things in my life. I don't want to be hurt. I can take

things personally. But when they say it, it's more of a.

It's not that they're referencing the fact that I'm too

sensitive based on just my

personality. They're saying I'm too sensitive a lot of cases because they don't like what

I'm saying, because it's challenging them, because I may have said something that

I didn't like or had a differing opinion about something. So you're too sensitive.

You're too sensitive. So if you are able to

rise up in, like yourself, then you can say something

like, you could get very defensive, which would be bad. You know,

like, no, I'm not too sensitive. You're the one that's sensitive. You're a

jerk by saying that. I could go down that path. But instead,

how about you say, well, give me an example. You get curious.

Well, what do you mean by that? Then they have to think. You want

people to actually think. They go from their amygdala to actually go to their prefrontal

cortex. They have to think about their actual behavior. So what did you mean?

You know, and I will just caveat here. There are situations that just aren't

worth your time and energy. You know, for me, it's kind of like if I

don't know somebody really well and I'm kind of seeing their true colors initially, it's

just getting to know a new business or a new potential client or a new

situation. You know, you're getting information and you're gauging and you have to

determine, how much further do I pursue? Is it really worth it? Is the

drama actually willing? Am I willing to even mess with it? Because it may not

just be. May not be worth it. But

when you are respecting yourself and you're getting

enough sleep, I mean, it does mean you're taking care of yourself, you're going

to be much less apt to have drama stick in your life. So if I

get enough sleep and I eat healthy, get enough exercise, if I'm

making sure I'm having fun, which I did, play golf twice in the last week.

If I'm taking time to. I like to go on

walks and meditate and have times of

prayer times and things. And those things help me to prepare

for the drama stuff that comes and not get actually sucked into it.

And so somebody says something, common situation as well, that people try

to get you involved in their drama. Is they say something mean and say I'm

just kidding, I'm just kidding. And I, I will tell you, I,

I can joke a lot. I like to joke, I have fun

just goofing off with people and everything. But this is a mean kind of

joking. They're saying something that is actually hurtful and then they're saying I'm just

kidding, I'm just kidding. And here's what you can do. You

can say to them, well, you

can not respond at all. I, I do find that is effective.

You just kind of go on, somebody does something that's mean, you just work

because you have enough respect for yourself. You don't even go there. I'm not even

going to engage this. It's not worthy of engagement. I mean that can be

extraordinarily effective that somebody that you want to continue

a relationship with, which I want you to have relationships with people in general, sometimes

it's not the right timing where you're going to step back from relationship for a

period of time because it's just not a healthy situation. I mean that does happen.

But again, that's not cancel culture. That's making an intuitive gut level

decision. It's not hiding out and avoiding. It's actually saying that, hey,

we need some space for this time period right now. So another thing you can

do when someone does something mean and says I'm just kidding is

you can ask them, say, say something in a positive, hopefully in

a kind of even a humorous way and you didn't think it was funny, say,

yet, can you write some new content? Can you write some new content

and maybe they'll rethink how they're joking with

you so people can criticize you

consistently. And I like to think in those people in your

life where there's a lot of drama, they may say a number of negative things

and it's not coming out of the right heart. So I know our friends can

say and challenge us. And people have in my life, well, it'd be good for

you to get out and not to be in your house all the time. And

I could view that as criticism like you're saying I'm lazy or I can view

it as somebody that cares me, cares about me. But if

somebody is insulting you and they're trying to get a dig,

then you can become a wet blanket.

You can say hey, that's interesting

or hey, that wasn't what I expected. So that

was a critical comment. That wasn't what I expected.

Wow, then I kind of know what to do. With that because you're not taking

the bait. That's not what I expected here.

And it could be interpreted in a number of different ways. But one of

my favorites of all time, when somebody is really critical.

And it's amazing how I can forget this because when I get

criticized I can get defensive and emotional and amygdala centered. But

it's to say, hey, give me an example. Can you give me an

example? And maybe they have something very legitimate to

show you that was hurtful to them. And it really wasn't

a criticism with a bad heart. It was feedback that could help improve the

relationship. Or if it wasn't, then they may have trouble giving you

an example because it's very broad, accusatory

and generalized and it's hard to pinpoint a specific example.

So you can go on to another subject

as well when someone's being mean, like I said, you can just bring up another

subject as well. But the point is, is you're not

taking the bait in that interaction.

You are not giving your power away another way.

I've thought about this and just dating wise. So I remember once

going on a date with a gal that I liked and she was cool and

I was cool and you know, I thought it was a good, had

some good health to it, some things that needed to be tweaked and all that.

But I remember one time she made a comment about how much she liked

beards and I got the impression that she had

people in men that grew a beard for her because

she, because she liked beards. And my comment to her

was like, I'm not growing a beard. I'm like.

And I've even thought about that. I'm like, I don't think you're ever going to

find a healthy dynamic between a man and a woman

where they're just doing something so the other person

can like them. I don't think that's attractive. I think it's super weak. I

think it's a super sign of weakness. If you're gonna do that kind of thing,

there's one for to attract a woman, you're gonna change. I mean it's one thing

to say like you like beard yourself and it kind of, it triggered you to

say I like, I like beards. But you're not going to change who you are

in order to be liked by somebody else. That's, that's sucked into the drama

as well. So you're going to be willing to speak your mind and

say you don't like this and, and try It, I mean, try

doing that in your relationships and you'll see because you have self respect,

they're not going to mess with you at the same level because they know you're

going to stand up to them. You're not going to get sucked into that. That's

what I'm trying to figure out. Is this gal drama, the one from the weekend

or was she actually legit? I mean, I'd find that out.

I'm over time. I'm going to do a episode on

dating drama and what I've learned through this whole ordeal because I've

learned some things that'll be kind of fun to share with you as well.

So stay out of the drama. You got three keys to doing so.

Make sure you, you follow through. So one of them is to

one, one of those keys is to make sure that you don't take the

bait. Another one is to make sure

and to really be a leader. So you're doing things,

you're, you're leading the way. You're actually going first. You're

staying the course. And, and you know, the final

way to not take, not get sucked into the drama is to have

self respect and not compromise it. You know, that's just something you're

not willing to do. You're not going to compromise your values for somebody else.

You're not going to, you're going to kind of give in because you want to

be liked by somebody else. It's not attractive. And I'll tell you,

people pick up on that. They pick up on weakness in other people

and you don't want to be that. And I'm not expecting you to be perfect

with that. I'm expecting you to get some insight, step back and to

practice to be strong. So that's how you stay out of drama. So

remember, you can subscribe to purchase Shadow Proof yourself.

These are seven small steps to a giant leap in your mental health. This is

the stuff I want all the clients with Decide youe Legacy Base level stuff content

to go through and engage. And you get six months of our

community as well. So check that out in the show notes so you can have

access to that. And remember that you know there is no

change without action. You got to take some action. So what

resonated with you today? Try it, apply

it and follow me. Subscribe

to this podcast. Follow me and share it. Try it.

You'll see that some of this stuff's going to really help you. Check it

out. So to decide means you're eliminating other options.

Your legacy has impact your life has on others. I want to close away

today. I always do. Live your life today the way you want to

be remembered 10 years after you are gone. Yes, you

will die someday. You decide your legacy. Nobody else. I

appreciate you greatly. And I'll see you next time,

Ra.