I can get pushback from people sometimes on the

importance of relationships, that in a professional setting,

we're about revenue and growth and production and

our customers. And then they can discount the

relational aspect because it's more soft skill.

If somebody has a long term growth

mindset, okay, and I'm in the business of long term change, not

a short term quick fix, then relationships are going to be a part of

that. And it's a process. It takes time. And over time,

if you step back, you're going to see that those connections, those

friendships that you have do impact the bottom line and the top line.

Revenue, profit, growth, opportunity. Friendships

are so important in many ways.

Today we're going to talk about how you can make friends, even

as an adult, and it's actually easier than you think. And why do you want

to consider this? Because our friends, they make life better. We

laugh, we see new opportunities, our perspective changes,

we end up being challenged, we end up having fun, we end

up meeting new people through those friendships. It makes life

better. I want to invest in things that have a long,

have long term potential. Friendships are part of that. Nothing is

probably more important in life from a

external perspective than developing heartfelt connections, people you

trust, cohesiveness. So I'm your host, Adam Gragg. Welcome to the

Decide youe Legacy podcast. I am a coach and a

corporate development expert and I am been

a family therapist for a number of years. My passion

and the purpose of Decide youe Legacy, which was founded in 2012, is to

help every person and organization to live

courageously. Why? Because nothing is more important to your mental health

than facing your fears. And nothing is more damaging than playing it safe

every episode. I like to share one thing that I have done recently

that is a fear that I have faced. And I'm going to share one thing

about someone that is on the Decide youe Legacy team. Kelsey.

She's actually going to be interviewing me on an upcoming episode. I think you're going

to find her very insightful. And Kelsey

actually went to get her teeth cleaned and she asked the dental

hygienist when she was done if she wanted to go grab coffee. And the gal

said yes. And I was actually talking to Kelsey about this the other day

and she said, you know what? I did that. And it was courageous and all,

but I don't even know her name. So we're meeting at this coffee shop right

by my office and she doesn't remember this person's name. So she's

gonna find out her name and have a good coffee with her, but he took

a risk. So recently I have

done some things that I would say is a risk. One of them is that

I've been willing to let go of my

way in working with some aspects

of my job and be open to new ideas and then implement those new ideas.

And that's hard for me because I want to do. I'm controlling. I want to

do things the way I feel like I feel is going to work. And some

other people have given me some advice on how I can be more

impactful. I didn't really like the feedback, but it was true.

And just applying it is a risk. And so what is a risk that you

have taken recently? Nothing, again, is more important

for your mental health, insanity, and wellbeing that I have

found when you're struggling than taking a risk, doing something new, letting

go of the outcome. So I struggle at times

with wanting to isolate, not wanting to reach out.

You don't make friends that way. In those moments, I see friendship as an

inconvenience. I see going out with buddies as an inconvenience.

I make excuses in my own head because our fears can come out in all

kinds of strange forms, irrational things. They can come out as

justification and minimization and all kinds of

excuses, but that's not going to help you move the ball forward. The

benefit of having friends is it can help me solve business problems. I have friends

that own businesses, call them, celebrate with them. They give me

insight, they show me opportunities, Things I wouldn't have thought, challenge me to

go further, provides me an extra push when I need it

professionally. It gives me opportunities that I didn't

see. They become my family that I don't have

in some situations. My family doesn't live here where my office is

located, except for my. For my daughter. And so

their family, they're people I spend holidays with. I perform better

personally when I have close relationships around me.

And it keeps me coming up with fresh ideas because they

see it. So I'm gonna give you three steps that you can take

to build new friendships as an adult. It's easier than you

think. And by the end of this episode, you have my guarantee

that you're gonna make a new friend over the next six months if you

apply what I'm talking about. It'll take intentionality, it'll take

courage, it'll take hope, and it'll work if you do it.

So I can't guarantee anything works in your life if you don't apply the tools

you've gleaned. So while you go through this content, think about how you're

gonna apply this to your life. I'm gonna give you simple, challenging things you can

do and you're gonna be challenged to take action right away,

which I always do as well. So

the first action you can take is you can commit to

being around people who have the potential to become your friends,

people that are good people and they're not

always going to be good people that you're going to want to connect with when

you expose yourself to being around people who could become your

friends. But you're going to take a risk to put yourself in environments that you're

not normally putting yourself in consistently. It's a

process. It's a year long process, a six month process we're

talking about here. So in six months, if you intentionally decide by

committing to say, I'm going to join that group, I'm going to spend time with

those people, I'm going to engage more in this organization I'm already involved in.

I'm going to see situations as opportunities that I

hadn't in the past and I'm going to trust the process.

I'm not going to stay stuck in my old ways. I'm going to believe. So

it could be going to a concert and that's going to draw

people that are like minded to that style of music.

Maybe you want to meet people that are younger than you or older than you,

which I would advise you is, it actually is a very good idea.

You go, you commit, you go to a comedy show, you go to social

events by yourself potentially. Go ahead and look at lists of things in your town,

activities that are going on, and then plug them into your calendar. I'm much more

apt to do things when it's in my calendar as well. So you look at

it and you get excited about it even. Cause it may be five days down

the road, but you're going to have the potential to meet new people. And

then the challenge in those situations is what do I talk

about? How do I engage somebody? We're going to talk about that later in the

episode today. What do you say? Engage in

volunteer activities. Volunteer to help somebody out

when you normally wouldn't engage in workplace activities. Always

say yes if you can to weddings and go to

funerals and go to birth baby showers

and go to graduation parties and say

yes and bring a gift and go with a good attitude. Which was one of

the things we're going to talk about down the road. I've been kind of jealous

of a guy in my Dad's life recently. My dad's 86. One of

his close friends, who him and my mom are going to breakfast with this guy

and his wife. One of his close friends he met at

their golf club. And the guy's only like a couple years older than me.

And I'm asking my dad what he's doing, and he's like, I'm playing golf with

Kevin. And I'm like, what? You're playing golf with Kevin?

That guy's my age, dad, you can't play golf with Kevin. So

that goes through my mind. But, you know, I'm 51 and

who cares? That's a great thing. I believe

that one aspect of staying young is making

friendships with people that are much older and much younger than you.

And for the purpose of learning, not for the purpose of getting.

You can learn from somebody that's 30. When you're 51, even

25, you can learn from someone that's 85. But you put yourself

in situations where you meet those types of people. So age

diversity, very good diversity of

opinion. You engage in situations that you don't even

necessarily think have any potential to make a new friend, but you're just

open because you trust in someone else's opinion that it's a

situation where you can make a new friend. And you go and you plan on

engaging. And so ask yourself, you know, what situations have you

willingly put yourself in where it created an opportunity,

Right? So. And the opportunities can be right around you, the opportunity to make new

friends. So here's some opportunities you could willingly put yourself in.

You could engage your neighbors, inviting them over for the Fourth

of July, inviting them over for a drink, coffee.

Helping them. You can volunteer to help your neighbors. So helping them clean up their

yard, I mean, helping them with a tool they want to borrow, and

you see they have a need. You can meet people that

in a different setting at work. So you go to a retirement party and you

meet people that maybe you wouldn't meet normally at a workplace

function because you're not involved in that department frequently, but you go ahead and attend

and you enjoy that interaction. You take advantage of

situations where people that are new are going to be around you. Like,

one thing I did recently is I decided that I was going to commit for

the summer to playing golf with this golf group at church.

And I decided, committed that intentionally. Even though

I don't know these guys, and even though I wouldn't necessarily normally

play on golf courses in that part of town, I decided I'm going to

commit and Go and give it a shot. Even if my first

reaction when we play is like, they're not like me,

I don't really have anything in common with these guys. They're annoying or I'm annoying

to them. Probably that in a roommate chimes in, but I'm not going to listen

to it. That's my commitment. So you cannot though,

just go ahead and decide to be in those environments

alone and think that's going to land you a good close friend. You

have to actually be willing to go talk to

them. So that's the second commitment is

you're saying, I'm not only going to go, I'm going to actually be willing to

engage in some form of conversation. So you ask questions. What do you

say? Well, give you some clues. You ask

open ended questions that are not

leading them towards a specific answer. So if you were going to ask, what's

your favorite NFL team? You leave it at that. You don't

go, what's your favorite NFL team? Mine's the Kansas City Chiefs because they've

won two Super Bowls in the last five years and they've gone

four times in the last five years. Is that accurate? I'm not sure. But no,

that's a leading question because you're already sharing your opinion

or you ask, you know, what do you like about New Orleans? I love the

food and I love the party and, and I love the

New Orleans Saints. No, you go like, what do you like about New Orleans? Because

they have a New Orleans shirt on with one of the saint emblems

or whatever. It's a talking point. So you pick up on that and you ask

them open ended questions and then you go into it

with some level of confidence, even if it's manufactured confidence.

You go in with curiosity because you see the opportunity. One of my closest

friends who I'm actually scheduled to hike Half Dome in

Yosemite with in two weeks. Yes, two

weeks from the day I will be in Yosemite. His name is Allen and

we have a good friendship. We started our friendship in

2017 and he went first, he reached out to me. I

was at an al an a 12 step meeting and he handed me a piece

of paper. I didn't know the guy and it had his name on it and

his number on it. And I looked at it and I said, this is awkward.

You know, I didn't say that out loud. That's what I was thinking. And then

I ended up calling him because I was at a time where I was open

to connecting with new people and we started a friendship, pretty

cool. Somebody I talked to frequently, he's like family. He's a very close friend

of mine. Recently I

decided to reach out to a couple friends to play golf who I have never

played golf with. One was, I reached out to somebody today

and I'm just getting to know the guy and he's a much better golfer than

me and I want to actually get something from playing golf with him because he

can give me some good tips and most, most, mostly my main

reason, my main motive is to actually connect with him and to make a new

connection that I think could be mutually inspiring.

Kind of cool. So what are you doing when you go to

these places where you can meet new friends? Are you interacting? Are

you taking the time to ask questions or are you going into interactions

with people making it about you or are you making it

about them? If you want to make it about them, you create

the commitment to learn and to ask and to listen

and to leave the interaction with

them. Gaining something, some inspiration. It could just be that

you're friendly and you listen and they don't have that in their life, but they're

leaving with something that's going to make their life better. It gives them encouragement,

which is to me, giving somebody courage to go out and face life and

to do more and to go bigger in their life.

Exciting stuff. So practically

speaking, for me, it helps me to think that my future,

whether it's my happiness, my financial

condition, my joy

in life, my energy is directly connected to

other people's futures. That if I can help

people see a bigger, brighter future and help them get there, then everything

gets better in my life. And that makes it not about me, it makes it

about helping somebody else, not a competition. At that point, they're not trying

to take my place. I see this in workplaces quite a bit where people are

defensive and they go into interactions wondering if

they're going to be replaced and wondering if someone's going to see that they don't

add as much value as this other person. I find that to be a

tremendously damaging way to interact with people. You're self

sabotaging, you're shooting yourself in the foot. It's not going to go anywhere

because you're bringing your own insecurity, which may not have

anything to do with that interaction and most likely does not, to that situation.

So you're not in that case going to engage. You're not going to talk and

reach out. You're going to see that you need a wall and

you're Going to place this wall in between you and them. And that's your own

anxiety and that's your own self centeredness that's keeping you protected from

them, which makes you defensive. So that's the third commitment to make,

is if you're going to make new friends, you go into those interactions letting your

guard down, being open. By being open, you're

willingly engaging in a way where you know and believe you can have fun, you

can make a new connection, you can build a trusting relationship. Even if they

are better at something than you, That's a great thing. You can help them go

further. They have different aptitudes and skills and personalities and

backgrounds and histories and passions. That's a great thing. It adds,

that's what I call real diversity. You know, that's like, that's like the way you

want to look at people and say, well, this is a great person because it's

something about them that is,

is merit based. It's merit, it's what do they add? And that's a great thing

that you can help them see and that's a bigger and brighter future for

them. Because in my interactions with people, if,

if somebody recognizes a coaching client, let's say

that I can see as I talk to them

how much potential they have and I understand

them in such a way that I can grasp that they

have these unique giftings and strengths and ways of impacting

other people's lives and they're sold. It's like once

that interaction happens where I can grasp them, that talent

that they have and actually reflect it back to them and the interaction,

and this is about connection here, then that's the

kind of connection that you make that can last 25 years.

Because they see how much you care and want to get to know them and

they see that you recognize their uniqueness, a powerful thing. But your defensiveness

has to go down to actually make that kind of connection. So if you go

into interactions defensively, and I was just talking to a fellow colleague today about

this, we were talking about clients who have

insecurities that they want to break in their professional life

that hinders them. So these are business owners, executives and they go into

interactions and they know something is wrong. Like they're,

they're not connecting with people and they're not making friendships with these, these

people that they work with. Well, how do you help them with that? My question

to him was like, well, what do you do to help somebody? I mean, they

may be interacting, hey, may have been interacting like this

for 20 years with people. And he went on

this and shared his thoughts on it. And some of what he was sharing

were things were ways that they to help

the person change their perspective. And I call this

the woo woo type of counseling and coaching where you say to

other people, well, this isn't the evidence. You're a good person, you have a lot

to offer, you have no reason to be insecure. And those kinds of things can

help. Woo woo can help. I mean, if people are at a place where they

just need a big kick in the pants to see that they can handle the

situation and they have reason to be confident, that can help. But to break a

pattern, to make a long term transformation. My

challenge for clients that bring a lot of insecurity into their new relationships

or current relationships when they're making new friends is they have to

realize what the roots are of that dynamic. And it's not going

to necessarily be something that happened a year ago or two years ago. It's probably

going to go back to a situation where they were hurt, where they

let their guard down and they were exposed and they trusted somebody who they

should have trusted and they were hurt in that situation. So they put up walls.

And if they can recognize that and talk about it, but

it's not what you tell them that's going to help them get over that. Most

likely it's what they tell themselves that's going to help them

in those specific situations when they're meeting new people,

engaging new relationships and that fear creeps up, that's from the past.

And they learn to recognize how it's impacting them in this current interaction and, and

they start to say no to it. I don't have to act based on that.

That's not this situation. I'm bringing that with me. It's my past. I don't have

to deal with it. This gives. People often

will bag on psychologists and therapists because they bring up

the past and their interactions. Well, why do they do that? I mean, a good

coach is even going to bring up the past to help them recognize that it

impacts their interactions today. So we got to find ways to let go of that

crap in your life so you don't bring it with you into that next

business deal or sales interaction or leadership experience. I mean,

you're not bringing that stuff with you because that insecurity repulses people. I mean, the

insecurity is your guardedness. And people have trouble trusting

somebody that's insecure, that won't look at them and engage with them and

get to know them, because that wall of anxiety is

going to be perceived potentially by others as you have

something to hide. There's something that you're not willing to show other

people that you feel is not

valuable or worthy or can add value. And that's

not necessarily what you're. You're not necessarily being

untrustworthy, but it can be perceived that way by other people.

On the surface. That's one major reason why you want to let that guard

down. Because if you're having a sales interaction, you're making it about you, you're all

anxious, whatever, then that's going to be perceived by the other person as

well. How, how much value do they really believe they can add? If you're calm

and collected and you present well, and you present the facts and you

show them how you can help them on a journey that's going to give them

a bigger, brighter, better future, then you're going to be able to sell it with

confidence. And they're going to glean that confidence from you as well. And for you,

in sales, selling a product, in business, you know you have something valuable to offer.

You may have to remind yourself before you go into those interactions of

what the value you do bring. And it's the same thing in

relationships. If you're going to make new friends, remember, if you're

not a good friend and if you're flaky and you talk behind people's backs and

you backstab, and you know that, well, that's going to cause defensiveness

because you are going to hide something. You got to go ahead and change that.

Why are you behaving that way? I wouldn't trust you either.

You know, if your history is showing that all you do is damage friendships, well,

you know, deal with that even before you try to make new friends. Go

in knowing that that's your tendency. And so you can let that go

because that defensiveness based on you being hurt, again,

maybe that's what contributes you to sabotaging all these other

relationships with untrustworthy behavior. Figure it out.

But you got to face it in order to deal with it. So you go

in with an open mentality, and that means

dealing with the anxiety. Anxiety feeds off of focus,

ambiguity, not defining the problem, not admitting that you're bringing your past with you,

not admitting that you're insecure, not admitting that you have a lot of

anxieties, interactions that can push people away. And then it means anxiety

feeds off of focusing on the worst outcome. We got to focus on the most

likely and the best and anxiety feeds off of avoidance. So the longer

you don't interact with people, when you go and put yourself around

situations where you could make new friends and you avoid and you listen to that

in a roommate, it's telling you it's going to go bad. The more problems you're

going to have and it's not good, it's not going to be fun, it's not

going to help you make new friends. So practical things you can do to actually

be open is, you know, go into family

interactions when you know it's been one way in the past. But you're

going in with an open perspective and you're willing to

lead interactions. You're willing to ask questions that you wouldn't normally ask.

You're willing to play games you wouldn't normally engage in. You're willing to actually

lead poker night with your family when you wouldn't,

or playing Monopoly when you wouldn't. But you're doing something

different. You're choosing to be a leader. You're choosing to ask questions.

You're choosing to meet people that are younger than you and older

than you. Not just your peer group that you're comfortable with maybe, but people that

are different. That's being open. So figure it out. Figure out why

you're so defensive. Go back and talk to a coach. Go get some.

Read a good book. Talk to somebody about your past so you can unpack

those patterns that can be impacting your current situation. Situation.

So let's go ahead. And I want to share,

share something that I believe is really important when it comes to friendship

and it's vulnerability that you're willing to be open. And that's

part of being open. You're willing to share the real stuff

about you. And I've been horrific at this. I've told you before that

after my divorce I wore a wedding ring for almost a year because I'd want

anyone asking me about my divorce. I didn't want to have to

expose myself. I felt so much shame and failure. And now

I can see that very diffic situation

as being something I've been able to use in monumental ways to help other

people because I'm willing to talk about it in appropriate situations. What do

you have like that that you can share with other people in appropriate situations?

Not making it about yourself, but making it about helping

them. That's what I mean by appropriate situations when it's useful to

help other people. So one of the worst weeks of my

life. I didn't know if I was going to get through it. I've never had

thoughts as dark now. And I've also

never given up on my life. I mean, that's not

a place I've actually been at, but I've been around people who have. And I

was as close as I could have been in this situation. And it was for

my friends, was not for my friend's help

in this specific situation. I don't know how I would have gotten to the other

side, because their accountability and I'll just call

it pressure to go ahead and get some help

probably saved my life. And it was a situation where I didn't

sleep and I was finally dealing with my divorce. I was finally

facing stuff in my life, and it was so incredibly painful and

triggering, and I didn't want to face it that I wasn't

sleeping. I was just ruminating in my head. I was thinking about all these things

that can go wrong and how negative my future was. And I couldn't get out

of it. I mean, I was pacing my house. I was.

I was sabotaging my life. And it was for

my good friends that sat down with me that I knew, cared, and they

told me I had to get help, and they forced me to get help. They

didn't give me a way out. I could have gotten out of it, but I

knew that I could trust these guys. And that was. That was

very significant in my life, you know, and that's. That's Dave and

Brent and Donovan and Nate and, you

know, really my brother, my sister, my mom and dad. I mean, people didn't let

me off the hook. They were in. In my face that I needed to

get some things cleaned up in my life and face it, and I did.

And it made a huge difference. And I look back and I think how that

was such a dark time, but I can use it to help other people. And

I want to help you today because that's what friends are for. And you make

new friends. Like my friendship with Alan. And those other friendships have

been made through. Through time, over time, through being there

for each other. And I want you to make friends as well. So if you

do that, if you do this, you're going to make a new friend in the

next six months. You be around and be exposed to people who

are potential good friends. Find hobbies that you can engage in, do things that

are different because you're exposing yourself to new people. And when you're in those situations,

you go and you talk and you ask questions and you learn and you don't

make it about yourself and you go and be open. So you let your guard

down. You recognize that anxiety that's coming. And at this new church that

you're visiting and you're meeting new people afterwards, and you're tempted to actually leave

and exit and say, I gotta get outta here, I gotta go to this and

that. But you choose to stay and have conversations and you interact

with not just one person, but you decide, I'm gonna act with three people before

I leave, even though I don't think I have anything common with these people. But

you open yourself up to that interaction and you let your

guard down. So if you found this podcast helpful,

check out Shatterproof Yourself Light. These are seven small steps to

a giant leap in your mental health. And this

content, there's a worksheet you go through and we talk

in here about shifting your perspective. And there's one section,

it's module number two, it's a three minute video. And if

especially this content about dealing with your defensiveness, you're gonna find

it super helpful, super helpful to write down your answers on the worksheet to

dealing with that defensiveness in your life so you don't go into interactions that are

gonna limit your potential for making new friends. Print it out, go

through it. And check out the last podcast that we recorded as well. It's episode

158 and it's on not being defensive.

You're gonna relate to that as well. And these podcasts that I record are generally

fairly quick. I try to make them in 15, 20 minutes max as well.

The next episode I'm gonna have my sister on and she's gonna talk about

confidence with travel, how you can build confidence through your

travel so there's no positive change until you decide to

change. You decide to apply something that you learned today before the end

of the day. Your legacy is the impact that your life has on other

people. Your legacy depends on you making a decision. A

commitment to decide means eliminating other options from your life.

So what are you going to eliminate from this content and what are you going

to apply? I want to close today the way I always do. Live the life

today that you want to be remembered for 10 years

after you're gone. You decide your legacy intentionally,

nobody else. I appreciate you greatly and I'll see you next

time.