Over my career, frequently I've challenged leaders

to have tough, courageous

conversations. And I get pushback and

I can see it, you know, I mean, there's, you can get resistance,

people may not like you. It may be a hard conversation, it may

stir the pot. There might be other problems that come out of having a

conversation like that. But there's great, tremendous benefits

in having these conversations. And there's one thing that's a

trick to go about it that's going to decrease your anxiety and

that is how asking curious

questions is

big part of the solution.

So we're going to talk about that today and just thinking of a real situation,

just, hey, people, somebody that knew she had to

talk to another leader and is thinking about how to go about it, then

all of a sudden, hey, I can, I can just ask a question in a

non judgmental, open ended fashion. And that may solve the problem.

Yes, it may. It may very well solve the problem. It may very well solve

the problem because it's getting them to think and not act out

of emotion. Today we're going to talk about the impact of great

questions on your leadership. And

I'm excited because at the end of the episode, what you're gonna have is

ideas on how to formulate questions

on how to approach these conversations, on how to

get the issue solved without actually even having to give feedback. I mean,

there are times for sure when you need to confront the issue head on and

share your concern directly and share how you want

it resolved. And there are a lot of times when the problem is

just starting to arise. A simple, curious, open

ended, genuine question, hey, I want to know more about your

approach to this situation is going to get them to think and it's going to

solve, solve the problem and solve it fast. Huge

benefit. So welcome to today's episode of the Decide youe Legacy podcast. Today's

episode is on is on 3, 3

benefits of asking curious questions

as a leader. How it's going to impact your leader. And by

the end of the episode, you're going to be inspired. So I'm Adam Gragg. I'm

a legacy coach and I'm a family therapist. Been a family therapist for

over 25 years. I'm the founder of Decide youe Legacy and we help

businesses and leaders live courageously. And by the way, everybody

is a leader. You have influence on your family. Leadership is influence. You

have influence in your neighborhood, with your friends, with your family,

with your church, with your volunteer

organizations. The list goes on. You have influence and take it

seriously. So as I do every episode. I want to share with

you one scary action that I have taken recently. And the

reason I do that is because nothing is more important to your

mental health than facing your fears. And nothing is more

damaging than taking the easy road and playing it safe. So what

I did is I was having a rough go at it

recently, and it was because I was triggered emotionally by

situations. I get triggered when there's a lot of change in my life, and there's

a lot of change in my life right now. I mean, I lost my dog,

and my daughter graduated from high school,

and then now she's in college in Boston, hired a new employee.

I have had changes in business structure.

Just a lot of things that. That are going on. And when I'm in a

vulnerable situation, I often can think about how I could

potentially be rejected or abandoned. You know, I have. I have. And I don't even

necessarily. I'm not even aware of it, but it was me actually going and talking

to some friends that I'm struggling and then processing it with them. They were

able to help me. Two of them were able to really help me to see,

like, Adam, you're. This is a reaction to basically being hurt in

the past, and you're. We're. You're worried about being hurt again. That was super

helpful. You know, I didn't sleep for a few nights, and then I got some

sleep. So I. I struggle with overthinking. I struggle with anxiety. You know,

what is your struggle with asking questions and

facing difficult relationships and dealing with things? I want you to think about

that as you go through this content. You're gonna get some ideas on how you

can face difficult things in your life. So I.

At times, it's like. And it makes sense that,

you know, that if I'm. If I'm going

to go and even ask a question to somebody, I could get

rejected. Even. Even asking and being curious, like a stranger, for

example, they could reject me by their body language, by their tone. It could be

something that's going to, like, lead to rejection, and that helps me to think.

And I want you to think about how questions can change somebody's

life. There. There are things that there are. I

call them. I call them. I call them superpower questions in the

coaching process that when we ask these specific questions to clients, it can make

a serious perspective. Perspective shift that can help them to see

clearly in order to make a big, major shift. And I can look back

and think of people that have had the courage to ask me questions

that. That Specific question has changed my life.

One in particular is, what would you do, Adam, if you had

more confidence, mean 10 times more confidence, 7 times more confidence,

how would you handle this situation? And when they asked me that question, when

somebody's asked me a version of that, you know, what would you do here if

you were more confident? It's gotten me to step back from my life and say,

I, I would handle it very differently in a much different

fashion. And it's gave me, given me insight to insecurity

that I haven't wanted to actually face or be aware of. You know,

I've had friends that have helped point out to me, not directly, but

through questions that I have self confidence issues that are

apparent to other people. And I still struggle with seeing that, but they

are based on me not facing things in my past and

carrying that with me. But it's the questions that have made the big difference for

me to give me that kind of clarity. So as you go through this content,

think about how you can ask questions. You

curiosity is going to help other people change and show

that you care and get to the bottom of the issue much quicker than you

going out and directly giving feedback. So if you think of how you influence people,

there's this influence pyramid that I got out of the Anatomy of Peace,

a great book by the Arbinger Institute. And it's also, I think, referenced in

the outside perspective, another book by the Arbinger Institute. And

the very bottom level, the most influential foundational level

of influence, is building the relationship

and developing a heart of peace. In the relationship, you have to have a heart

of peace, which means you're not at war with them

and competing. You're actually wanting to help. And it's these questions and

the curiosity that gives us that foundation in the relationship. You build the

relationship. So I bet you struggle with this. I bet you're like me.

Think about situations where, you know, you keep second guessing and talking yourself

out of actually reaching out and having a conversation. And. And

it's because you are stuck in the outcome. You want

one certain outcome, you're trying to control it, and that's not what I want you

to do. So we're gonna think of the three big benefits that you can actually

have and you can engage that are gonna benefit you as you

ask questions. So one first big benefit is

when you ask questions, it's gonna provide a level of

clarity to other people. You go into it and

you have good, curious questions based on the situation. So let's just

say that somebody

you perceive that somebody is behaving in a way where they're

procrastinating a lot, you want to address it with them. And a

simple question could be, you know, how could you approach this differently that might

impact the timeline? And they're thinking about it and thinking like, well, you

know, I don't know, maybe they say responding, I don't really know. But

you're not leading them to a specific answer.

It's a non judgmental question because they've articulated

that they have some level of procrastination in their life. Maybe they've shared it with

you, but maybe you just seen in their behavior because they're frustrated by their lack

of meeting deadlines. And your question of how could you change the

process potentially could have a big impact

and they're going to see that. So you get to give somebody the

gift of clarity as you ask them for

information. And there's two things that give people clarity. They're open ended,

non leading questions. So let me really define what that is.

An open ended question means it's not going to require a yes or no

or a quick response. So you know, describe to me the recipe

is not an open ended question because they're gonna research whatever that recipe is

you're referencing and then they're gonna want to give you that recipe and describe it

to you. Okay, that's not what I'm talking about here. An open ended question. And

is something like what makes this important? What do you want here?

What are you up against? What are we up against? How does this align

with your values? How have you

been successful in this area in the past? What does success look

like for you? So you're asking

them what does success look like for you with your schedule? Because they've

shared that they're frustrated about their schedule. Great powerful question.

And a non leading question is one where you're not giving them the answer in

your questioning. So a leading question would be

what changes could you make that would impact your schedule? I

like to use Google Calendar. That's leading them to saying

that, well I really need to use a calendar. I know I need to use

a calendar. So they didn't actually think in that situation. And the

fear that people have is that if I

go. So the reason people are afraid a lot of times to

have conversations is because the reaction that they can get from the other person,

defensiveness, judgment, harshness, you know,

distance in the relationship. And now when you

go in to that situation and you

let go of that knowing that if I go in in a

kind way and get them to think. Because that's really

the deal is somebody's in a highly emotional state. They're out of their

amygdala part of the brain that's highly emotional and reactionary. You're

getting them to think, which is a non emotional part of your brain. Not

it's connected to the emotion, but it's the prefrontal cortex where people are

rational and processing. So you can see that shift. They're highly emotional,

they're very defensive and you're able to ask them a question like

even what's really going on here? They could respond to that and get

really emotional as well. Like, well, you're judging me, you're not really, you

don't really care. But you're actually going to say like I perceive

that something may be triggering you here. Can you tell me what

I have said that might be triggering, what might that be? And then

they think and then you always, and I don't want to use that really

extreme word always, but if somebody goes to the rational part

of their brain, they have to think. And when you're asked a genuine, legitimate, open

ended, non leading question, the brain does what

it's supposed to do. It channels in onto that question. That's why a lot of

people don't want to be asked questions. Because you can get that with people. They

get, their natural response is I don't want to answer questions, you know, like

I don't. They get defensive just to the, to the aspect, the

fact that you're asking them some questions and shut down because they don't want to

go there. You know, they don't want to have to think and actually look at

the situation in a different manner, which you know, that's really

hard to deal with. But if you remember, even in that situation, you don't want

to actually violate boundaries by any means, but by

saying, hey, would you just answer? I'm very

curious. So they say I don't want to, they get really defensive and don't want

to go there or anything. And like I'm really curious. It's been on my mind.

It's been on my mind. You know, I think it'd be very helpful for us

to have a discussion about it. Here's my question. You know, I'm curious to know,

to know what happened or I'm curious to have an example of what

really happened there. And they're having to think and go back.

So don't relent, don't mean, don't just back off because their defensiveness but remember

that it provides, the benefit is it's going to provide the

transformation, the clarity that people need to transform and the clarity you need

to have to lead to get to the bottom of the situation. So be a

curious question asking leader and

you know, if you want to get good at this stuff, I mean I would

definitely encourage you to make

a list of some open ended, non leading

type questions that you can ask in these as go to

questions and they're often going to be starting with what or how and

they're going to require you to step out and focus on, on them.

Because something happens in a relationship when they know that you're really

genuinely wanting to focus on them and get to know them. I mean it

changes the dynamics. They start to realize that you care about them, that you're

interested in them. We all want people interested in us. It's very, very

contagious. It's very attractive. So the second big

benefit is that curiosity is going to

you is going to eliminate anxiety. I mean not a hundred percent,

but it's going to be. It's very hard to be genuinely curious in

somebody in a non judgmental, non leading way. And then you really can't

be anxious and worrying at the same time. It's like appreciation

if somebody wants to deal with worry.

Best piece of advice I could give you is to replace it

with another vice that can be a really positive vice. And it can

be that you're going to focus on what you appreciate in life.

And when you're curious about somebody, you're actually expressing appreciation in them.

You're showing them that you value their perspective. What's your

perspective on? This is a great open ended question.

What's your perspective? What ideas do you have? What insight do

you have? Great thinking type of questions.

So you're gonna know the benefit of being curious is that it's gonna kill your

own anxiety because you're replacing it with something healthy. You're giving your

undivided attention, you're getting to know them. Amazing,

amazing stuff. And you can do this with your family.

In those difficult Thanksgiving conversations. Just go in being

curious, go in being appreciative as well and

engage and you can, I mean a question I like to

ask people is have you ever described to me a situation,

you know, what is a situation where you, you laugh so hard that you

cried or you laugh so hard that you peed your pants? You know, ask that

at Thanksgiving. That'll be funny to see your reactions because people have laughed so hard

that they've cried. I can almost guarantee you'll get some answers to that question. That's

a curious open ended question. You know, and other open ended questions that

are good are, you know, can you, can you give me an example that's open

ended? It doesn't start with what or how, but can you give me an example?

They have to think to give you an example. Rather than being very

generalistic, which very emotional people, as leaders,

as you lead people, when you have this apprehension to talk to people, a lot

of times they're very reactionary and generalistic, but you get them to be

specific. Specificity gives people power to solve

a problem. Be specific. And another question that's

really good is what one change would make the biggest difference in your life

right now for you to move the needle. And by moving the needle, I mean

making progress. What one change would make the biggest difference? They

can think about that. And if they pause and they

ponder it, or if they say I need some time to reflect on that,

you know, throw your hands up in the air and say yes. I mean it's

a great thing that they're going to take the time to give that question

their attention and they're showing you that they really value that.

So a third major

benefit is that questions, curious open

ended questions connect people. I sit down with family

leadership teams, I sit down with business leadership teams, I sit down with ownership teams,

I sit down with families who work on these teams and

I sit down with families frequently who are

afraid to interact because when they do,

it's reactionary and it's judgment and sharing your opinion about

the situation. Questions don't do that. They connect people because

they show people that you want to dig deeper to

the real issue and not stay at the surface. A lot of people are very

comfortable staying at the surface. Why? Because beneath the

surface are the things that they may have not dealt with or the

aspects of their life that they might have some, some shame or may have

some negativity towards. It may trigger some fears if they get below the

surface. So they want to act like everything's fine, everything's okay,

but we want to get down to a deeper level below the, the

surface. So when clients start a coaching session, teams or one

on one stuff, I have them fill out this progress form and it asks them

some questions to fill out. One is what progress have you made? How have you

followed through on your commitments? What are you doing to make progress? What are your

wins? Basically one is, one question is what challenges are you facing that

might need to be addressed or that could hinder your growth. What's going on there?

Another question is what are you grateful for? And the third, fourth question, I'm sorry,

is what do you want to focus on most today? Gives me some insight and

our team some insight on how we can address and coach

to process issues that are really holding them back. Great kind of thing. But the

next part of that is they assess their life On a scale 1 to 10,

their level of satisfaction in each of the seven

Decide youe Legacy Life tree areas. So spiritual, family,

social and Fun, Intellectual, career and business, money and

yeah, health and self care. And I'll have them give an honest

assessment on a scale 1 to 10. 10 is high, 1 is low. Sometimes,

especially at the beginning of the coaching process, as we've worked with people,

they'll assess their areas in each area of their life as being

really high. Like they'll give it a seven. Well, not even a seven. They'll give

it an eight or a nine or a ten. Usually a nine or a ten.

That's a red flag for me because it means that they're not really

willing to go. Often it does. I mean, maybe everything is just great and

that's awesome, you know, really cool. It's never.

I would say that that's not the case. I don't buy it. Typically,

I don't buy it. Okay. I just don't buy it. Because if you're stepping back

from your life, you have room for improvement. There's levels of dissatisfaction in those

areas. So we want to make sure that in

questions are those things that get people honest

about themselves so they can grow. And when people are willing to ask you

the questions, they're the people you can trust because they're the people that are going

deeper with you that want to see the real you so they can help you

and be supportive of you. So if we remember those things,

it's going to be beneficial to your

relationship. You know, questions connect people. Like good art connects people.

Art connects people because people can resonate with it in

different ways, but they all resonate with it together. So. So it connects

them. They admire it together. They're working on a team

together to admire that art, let's say. But they're also working

on connecting with each other through

sports, through great creative endeavors in a business setting where

you're creating something that's gonna help more people and help the system to work better.

Those kind of connect people. So questions do the same thing.

Another favorite question that I like to ask is if, if you had tremendous

progress and we were talking in, let's say three years,

we're talking, having a conversation. What are the things

in your life, the biggest changes that you would make to get there?

And they think, and they think and they may not want to go there because

that may mean that they have to admit that they have to make some changes.

But if they're honest, they're going to say, you know, I've improved this part of

my life. I've made this change, I've hired these people, I've fired these people. Hopefully

not, but I've gotten my

health up to par. I'm dealing with my finances in a different way.

I've made this career change. Something is going to change and get them

to pin them down even like the three biggest changes if you want. But that's

going to be a really great thinking activity for

somebody. A perspective shift activity. Which great questions are perspective

shift activities that can help transform your

connections as well. So big,

big stuff here. So if you've, you gotta check one thing out here, I just

gotta challenge you as you listen to this is check out Shatterproof Yourself

Light. Hit the link and go through this mini course that I put together

a while ago. People go through it. Thousands of people have gone through it

and you can go through it as well. Just watch a 25 minute video that

I put together and I go over seven, seven small

steps to a giant leap in your life. Big leap, you

know, big progress in your life and the seven different life areas I

cover. There you have a worksheet to print off or fill out electronically. Answer

some questions. Good open ended questions are on that

worksheet. That will get you thinking and it's gonna make a big difference in your

life. Take a few minutes, hit the link, download

even. You can go to the app and get the Decide youe Legacy app and

watch it there. It takes you through the daily action worksheet, Hope vs. Fear.

Great content that you want to, you're going to want to check out. So

questions, questions are powerful. Now. I

went and I played golf with one of our other legacy

coaches on the team, Sherman on Sunday. And he's a

really good golfer. He's like a plus four, plus five, he says.

And I believe that he shot. We played nine holes and he shot two over.

So and it was really good. And I, I like his feedback.

I mean he, we were on the very first hole

and I shot a 51. So he shot whatever of two over a 30,

a 38. I shot a 51. Okay. But the very first

hole. We were teeing off and I, I barely

hit the ball, you know, I hit behind the ball and shanked it. It went

out in front of me, maybe 30 yards at the most. And

Sherman just said to me, you know, you

know, you basically encouraged me, go back, take another shot.

And I don't know what he said. I'm trying to think. He said some encouraging

things and encouragement comes in the form of questions and it comes in

the form of comments as well, you know, and if he asked

me a question, all I know is that I think he asked me a question,

I think he asked me an open ended question to get me thinking about it.

And I think he gave me some feedback as well. But he was very non

harsh. And so the reason to close with that is we can approach

things, we're giving feedback and we can approach situations where we're asking

questions in a non harsh, gentle, yet

assertive fashion. That gives people confidence. Because I

was thinking that my whole round is going to be ruined and I'm going to

slow him down. And he didn't give me that impression. He gave me confidence.

We can give people confidence as we reach out and we engage.

So if you found this podcast helpful, give us a rating and review

on Apple or Spotify. Check us out wherever you get podcast content

and check us out on YouTube too. We post these podcasts on YouTube live.

You can check us out. And some people like to watch the content as well.

And if you get to let a friend

know that you found this helpful, it will have a big impact

as you get the confidence to ask more questions to be curious. It shows people

value how much you value them. So in closing, it's going to

create a transformation as you ask currents in as you ask

curious questions, it's going to decrease your anxiety. As you ask

curious questions, it's going to lead to

the last benefit, which is that you're going

to connect with people at a deeper level as you connect through

being curious about their lives. So I have this thinking

metaphor, this process that I like to think about as I'm getting

involved in interactions with new people. And it's the

make it, it's the do not make it about me conversation. Because I

know that my anxiety increases greatly when I make it about me, how I look,

how I come across, how I engage. And if I remember that

in conversations, to make it about them, to be curious and

get to know them, to remember that I add value

as I get to know them and that as I

get to know them and add value and not talk about myself

unless it's appropriate that they're more apt to leave that

interaction. And it's going to be my mission that they leave the interaction feeling more

inspired, encouraged, energized. And when that conversation began, you

as leaders can go into interactions and make them and make it your mission and

your purpose to they leave. Even if it's feedback, which I

like to think of it as feed forward, it's going to inspire them to move

forward. Thanks to Marshall Goldsmith. But feedback you're giving, even

if you get them give, even if you're giving them feedback, they're going to

leave more encouraged and inspired. Walking away

from that interaction, really exciting thing.

So I want to close the way I always do.

You are not going to change unless

you make the choice to commit

and take action. 20% of the transformation or less

is insight. You're gaining insight today. 80% plus is action.

So what action based on this com, this podcast today, are you gonna

commit to taking and applying to your life, hopefully by the end

of the day. So is it a question you're gonna ask? Is it remembering

that being curious actually decreases anxiety? Is it remembering

that it actually inspires other people to change, that you don't have to confront

direct, you can confront through questions and that's going to help them

think about things differently. What is that change? So remember that

your legacy is the impact you're going to leave

on other people's lives. And the word decide means you're eliminating

others other options. You decide your

legacy. So in you decide your legacy, nobody else.

Make it your mission to live today the way you

you want to be remembered by others 10 years after you're

gone. You decide your legacy, nobody else.

I appreciate you greatly and I'll see you next time.