Welcome to the Decided Legacy Podcast. Today we're going to talk to you about

anger. I know you're angry, and

everybody deals with anger at different times in their life. So I've had a couple

bad experiences with anger. I mean, some of which I've conveyed anger

to others and hasn't been really good, but I did one time.

Yeah, just kind of go back. I was thinking about this. Like, one time a

boss threw a pen holder at my head. Luckily, he missed and it broke

on the back wall. It was plastic, but, gosh, I'm glad it didn't, like,

hit me. And then I once had a family member at a holiday

event actually get upset with me. And then he went to the kitchen

and pulled out a big knife and I left. So

it was. Yeah, this was. This happened. And I love these

people, but that was kind of a scary thing. So there's a lot of consequences

when we can just listen to our anger and then

react. I mean, it can cause some real serious damage in our lives. And

what I find is that anger is often triggered because we

have unrealistic expectations about how a situation is going to go and it

doesn't go accordingly. And then we revolt.

And it boils down to we're rigid in how we view the world and our

situation, and we're selfish, and we want it to be done our way, but we

look at maybe success and failure as the only options. And there's a middle

ground. We're very polarized, perfectionistic. We're black and white in our

thinking, not healthy for us. And then we want control, and it leads to anger.

We aren't realizing that there are certain aspects of our lives that we cannot

control. We can't control other people. We can't control the weather

and the political situation we're in. And we have this expectation that somehow we

can and we realize we can't. So we revolt and we express

anger. But it can cause some significant damage

in our lives. So lots of negative consequences.

If. What I find is that if you let anger

just get out of control, we can end up arrested. You know, we can end

up fired. We can end up with people quitting. We can end up with lost

opportunities. Lots of scary stuff can happen because we're just listening

to our anger and then taking orders from it.

Again, you know. Welcome to this Place podcast. I'm Adam Gragg. It's the Decide youe

Legacy podcast. Today it's on Overpowering, Overcoming Anger.

I got three actions you can take that will make a big difference in Your

life. And so I'm Adam Gregg. I'm the founder of Decide youe Legacy. Founded

Decide youe Legacy in 2012. And what

we do as an organization is we have a purpose of

helping people live courageously, to face their fears, to do the hard

thing, to do the scary thing. Cause it's gonna make a huge difference in their

life and in the lives of those that they impact. So we help

leaders. And by the way, everybody's a leader. So you have influence

in your life, at your church, in your job, with your neighbors, with your

siblings. The holidays are coming. There's always holidays coming.

There's always situations that we're gonna see family and friends and be around people where

we can have a bigger, better influence. So if you're like me,

you probably can reflect on situations where anger has just consumed

you. It's ruined your day. It's ruined your

life in that moment. Not permanently, but maybe you felt like it was ruining

your life permanently because you just made a bad decision based on

anger in your life. So you're gonna leave today with

just knowing that you can do some things in your life to change that.

And it's gonna be very encouraging to you. So as a start for this podcast,

think about a triggering situation in your life. And it's probably a

person. It can be a person, place, or a thing. It could be some situation

you don't have control over, like politics and taxes and

maybe even a situation with your health that you don't have the ability to change.

It simply is something you need to accept. You can not change it

right now in this very moment. Maybe it's something with your job or your

financial situation that you get angry about when you focus on it.

So think about that. And as you go through the episode today, we're going to

unpack it, and you're going to find ways that you can deal with it

constructively. Every episode, I like to share a fear

that I have recently faced. And I do that because

nothing is more important and valuable to your mental health than facing those things

that you have stuffed away that you're not facing. And fear is just one

external exercise. Facing something that's scary, that you can step

out and do something that you've been putting off. But the

fear that I've been facing and that I did face recently is I had a

professional interaction, and it was somebody that I wanted to be

impressed with me. And it was somebody that I wanted to do business with.

And I felt this temptation in my mind to say something about yourself.

Say something about your business so they leave impressed with you. And I didn't. And

that was scary for me because I thought I would be looked at as not

having anything to offer, but I refrained.

And that might seem kind of awkward to you, but not talking about myself at

times can be a scary thing. I want to talk about myself. I want people

to like me, but I didn't do it. That was my fear. What was the

one that you maybe have faced in the last week? Think about that. But as

you leave today and as you're done with the episode, you're going to be challenged

to face something, to apply something. So the

first action you can take is you can decide to see

that your anger is not you.

It's external to you. It's a coping mechanism. It's

actually a proxy or a replacement for other

emotions. Most of the time, there is legitimate anger and there's illegitimate

anger. If you're really angry at somebody because they slapped your wife

and you don't know them well, that's probably a good reason to

be angry. You know, like, do something about it. Don't be a. Don't

be a wuss and just let him keep slapping your wife or

your husband. You know, do something about it. But a lot of the anger that

we have is a safer way to. Of expressing

deeper emotions that we're not willing to face. And that

emotion is often sadness or fear. It

could be being overwhelmed, it could be injustice, and that can be legitimate

anger. But it's a proxy. It's like if you were going to

have a, you know, if you were going to have a hard

conversation with your boss about how you were being mistreated

and you didn't really want to have the conversation, but you sent in your husband

who didn't work there. That's not going to fly very well. Because,

you know, you being mistreated, I mean, yeah, sending your husband, if your boss has

been slapping you around, I get that. But because you're frustrated about the work

hours and you don't think they're fair or whatever, well, you need to have that

conversation. And it's the same thing with anger. We're

sending in something that we feel is safer, our own anger, to

deal with the situation, rather than saying, I'm afraid, I'm scared, I feel like this

is wrong, or I'm just overwhelmed by this situation.

I got myself in a bad situation talking to my

mother just the other day, and I

was upset because of something I felt like wasn't fair.

And instead of actually talking it through. Well, I tried to

talk it through, but that didn't really work. And then I turned on the anger

and it derailed me. It wasn't healthy, it wasn't helpful, it wasn't useful,

and it didn't get too out of hand, but it did steal my mojo for

some time, and it wasn't necessary. I've been down that path. It

hasn't worked for me before. There's no reason it's gonna work for me this time.

Instead, expressing that I'm scared, or even identifying that she

is scared in those interactions, there's other emotions

because she was expressing anger. And I decided to counter it with my own anger.

I could have said, I feel like you're angry. Maybe. Is there

something that you're afraid of? Is there something else going on here? And try to

get deeper in the situation. So what you want to do

is to be able to see that it's

not. It's external to you, and it's something that's a

reflection of something deeper. What is that thing that's deeper? People have a

ton of resentment about situations that happened in their past and people

and stuff happening again, and then they react. Rather than taking the next

step here, the next action you can take is what is, what is, what is?

What is the actual fear that you have when you

externalize it? It's not you. So you can look at it like on a piece

of paper. I'm angry, I'm frustrated, I'm scared. And

what is the reality that you believe is going to happen?

It's not going to happen. It's not reality. But what do you believe is going

to happen with that situation you're afraid of? So the most

common fears that I see in people are fear of failure, fear of rejection,

fear of being seen as a fraud, fear of embarrassment,

fear of loss of money, fear of loss of a loved one, fear of loss

of opportunity, fear of loss of health, fear of

bad things happening in the future, fear of the plane crashing, you know, fear of

the what ifs, and it's really negative. And they get that stuck in their head.

And they don't even identify what they're really actually afraid of.

So you externalize it and you actually answer some questions about

it. That helps you unpack it. And I

encourage clients, very practical stuff here, to list

in detail what the fear is

that they have. I'm going to go broke and not be able to pay my

bills. My wife is going to leave me and have an affair because

I'm A little bit overweight now and he's staying really

attractive. I could be that. I'm afraid that my

friends are going to find other better friends because I am

not doing these activities that I used to do with them, like going out

drinking or going out shopping and spending money. That is your fear.

And so some of the questions you can ask yourself

are, what is the evidence that this fear is actually going to happen?

What is the truth behind it? You know, what is the evidence that it's probably

not going to happen? So for example, if you were

afraid that some, something bad is happening with your health, well,

look at the facts. What's the evidence that something bad is going to happen? There's

legitimate evidence. There's legitimate evidence. Because you're one of those pieces. Could be

because you're thinking about it, you know, you're, you're focusing on it. Because bad things

have happened to other people with their health. Because I've seen people get sick, because

I've seen this happen before. Because people got Covid in the past. So something has

happened there and you want to look at it, externalize it. You want to also

say, well, what's the evidence that it's not going to happen? Be fair, don't be

biased. You're biased, you're selective. You're only thinking of the worst thing

happening. And answer some other questions too. Like

what advice would I give a friend? What advice have I been given in the

past that's actually helped me with this fear? So

it's counterintuitive to think that by unpacking your fears is

going to help you with anger. But that anger, if you realize, is

actually driven by fear and it's driven by other emotions that are negative. It's

going to help you to actually handle the situations and not get angry

because you got a better game plan. You know it's not real. You know

that anger is not, there's not actually real danger there. One

of the biggest battles we ever will face is between our two ears. It's the

battle for our perspective and our focus and our thinking, our

mindset. It's the perspective, it's the battle that we have

in choosing to step back from our lives and not be consumed by it. It's

the battle I would suggest is between the ego and the self,

between the real you, the self, who you really are, and

then the self protective part of you, the ego. Because that

ego will keep growing and growing and growing until it destroys your life. It's, it

wants to destroy your life. I mean, I believe, I believe that the ego

serves a purpose and has a reason for existing to protect us, to

know that we have situations that are dangerous. But I believe also that

it's absolutely truthful that when ego gets bigger and bigger and bigger, it

doesn't want to stop. It just keeps going and taking over. It's areas of our

life. And you can see examples of that. So if you found this

podcast helpful so far, I'd really encourage you to check out this free

mini course that I put together called Shatterproof

yourself light 7 small steps to a giant

leap in your confidence to a giant leap in your life.

You go through this course. It's a brief video and it's a

brief worksheet, four page worksheet. And you're gonna unpack seven

actions that you can take that you're gonna identify specific

to you to grow

in this specific area. So you find this helpful. You're gonna go deeper

by going through Shatterproof Yourself Light. Hit the link,

check it out, subscribe. It'll make a big difference in your life. So the third

action you can take to deal with this

anger that you have in your life, and this is the hardest

part of the whole situation. I mean, you go ahead and

externalize it by identifying it. Then you go ahead and you step. The second action

is you start to unpack it. So you break down those

fears. The next one is to talk to somebody about it

so that you start to get a different perspective on it. You process

it. Big time stuff. We can't

go through this life alone, living between our ears, in

our heads. And you need stuff besides your spouse

because that's a huge problem I've seen as a family therapist for

a long stinking time, is they always go to their spouse

about problems that doesn't work. It wears your marriage out.

You have to find others outside of that. I call these monkeys or people

you can go to are going to support you. You need them. And if

your spouse is always telling you, hey, we've talked about

this before, what are you gonna do about it? Or if it's wearing them

down, then you know you got a sign there. It's not

necessarily you got a bad spouse. I would suggest the

opposite, because they're encouraging you to see that you have other people you can process

things with and then you gotta go ahead and do it. So you talk to

people in your life. You answer those questions that I shared

earlier about that specific fear with them. So here's the evidence.

Here's what I think's gonna Happen. Here's another perspective. Here's the advice that I'm not

applying. Here's what I'm doing, here's what I'm not doing. Here's what I could

do differently. Here's some ideas that I have, and they're gonna give you some really

good legitimate feedback. I mean, a monkey, by definition, is someone

that really cares for you and decreases your stress after you

talk about things with them. So just last night, I talked to two monkeys, Ben

and Dawn, and I shared with them some things I'm going through that are

stressing me out. And both of them did really great thing. They

both. They didn't know I was talking to each other. They don't even know each

other. They don't even know each other exists, I don't think, because Ben's in

California and Don's in Wichita. But they said

the same stuff. Like, one of the big things they told me is

that God's got this. You have

your faith, and you have so many things to be grateful for. They

pointed me towards gratitude. They pointed me towards security.

They both told me that they're there to support me. They're both

telling me that they're glad I talked to them. They don't make me feel like

they're wanting to rush me off the phone. They don't make me feel ashamed for

having the problem and the struggle, even though I've had it before with

them. They're both good friends, and that helped me and

encouraged me, and they both got me thinking about things through a spiritually

healthy mindset, not one that was consumed on

my problems, my. My fears, which were making me angry, which

were making me angry. I mean, one of the things I told Ben was I

feel like I'd be at a better position financially right now in my life.

And he was able to add some perspective to that. And mainly that,

like, you are the one that would tell me that's not going to actually help

you anyway. It's not going to help you anyway. I mean, it's actually one of

the things that Ben and I will talk about sometimes. And Don,

who actually has a lot of money, I think from

just talking to him and everything, he was able to just remind

me that, you know, you have things that are much more

valuable and that people ultimately

aren't wanting that if they really step back from their life, they're going to know

that it's experiences and relationships and things that he's added to his

Life. After age 70, he's able to remind me and give Me perspective

on that. And it's not that I don't want to have money. I mean, and

I am actually blessed financially. I just compare myself to others or even have

this mentality that I should be further along right now. But they

helped me add perspective. So I wasn't angry about that anymore. In fact, I was

excited about it. I was excited because, hey, I have.

It's a good thing in some ways. It's actually kind of good to not have

all these assets that pull you away from focusing on the most

important thing. So they gave me great perspective in that situation. So

that's crucial. Identify who you can trust. I'd encourage you to

identify, like two to four people who, you know, you can reach out to when

you're stressed. And it could be even a counselor. It could be a family member,

it could be a coworker, could be a monkey that you live with in your

house. Possibly it could be a monkey that you live with, that you work with.

But you find these people and you end up sharing a

few of these fears that you have. And so I want to reference a resource

that I put together a few years back. It's called Five Days to Overpowering Anxiety.

And there's an article in the show Notes you can go ahead and access. And

then you can Download this worksheet, 5 days. And this is

from 25 years as a therapist. Stuff I tell clients to do, stuff I've

told myself to do, Stuff I don't practice very often unless somebody that

reminds me to practice it, you know, because I created this stuff ultimately at

the beginning for myself, and then I gave it to clients and I forget about

it. But it's basic stuff that will work in your life. You don't need

to have that new book and that new theory. Go back to the

basics in your life. Go back to your grandma saying, you

just gotta be grateful. Or your friend that said five years ago,

hey, you have so much to be grateful for. Just think about that. We gotta

go back to the basics. It's gonna make a big difference in your life.

I'd encourage you to apply something that

you heard today. And I wanna just preface this too. I got a great

podcast that's gonna be coming up and it's. I believe the one after

this is. It hasn't been recorded yet, but it's all on gratitude. And I'm

gonna bring somebody in that has a great perspective. We're gonna talk it through. He's

gonna have a real good, unique perspective and we're gonna share some Great

things you can do to go ahead and fight the battle to have gratitude in

your life. So I'm real excited about you hearing that it's gonna be coming up

as well. So if you found this helpful again, check out Shatterproof.

And mainly another challenge I'd really encourage you to

check out is to give us a rating and review on Apple or Spotify and

tell a friend about this, this episode. You know, you're. If they're especially,

you're really angry friends, the ones that can't control it, you know, send

this to them so they'll become, you know, better

people. They'll. They'll deal with their life and deal with the core issues. So

I have seen so many transformations in my career of people that

have started to become emotionally healthier and what that does to

them. Because that anger problem, it can lead to real

physical conflict. It can lead to addiction, it can lead to losing your job and

losing your spouse and losing. Living this life without balance and not having

fun in your life, that's very costly. Not a great thing.

People that get stuck there in anger, it's gonna have huge impact.

So you got some tools that you can go ahead and apply right now. And

I wanna go through summarize again. So one, externalize

your anger. Don't see it as you don't. Two, identify the

fear behind it. And three, talk to somebody about it. If you found this

helpful, do me a favor as well

and go ahead and comment below and

tell me how we can improve the podcast. Tell me what we can do and

topics we can cover that are actually stuff that we don't actually cover.

Because you're a listener, you're a fan, we need your support. We actually

went over 3,000 downloads. That was the first time we ever had

that kind of a number in a month. No, it's not a huge big deal

for most people out there, but that was a big deal for us after five

years. So we're doing something that resonates, at least with more people. And

I'd like to keep building on that. If

want to go ahead and share a few other things with you here is

that to decide means that you're eliminating other

options in your life. You're making a decision, you're saying no to some things and

yes to other things. The best things in your life. And, and your legacy is

a word to describe the impact that your life has on other people.

How you live now and how you're going to be remembered. I mean, how you

live now is what matters. It's the impact you're having. You live now and that's

your legacy. And so. And there's no positive change unless you

decide to make a change. So today, from this content,

these three actions you can take, I want you to decide on something you want

to apply. What resonated with you about anger and how you're

going to fix this problem so it doesn't cause more

problems so you can live a longer life. What are you

going to do? Take an action to apply that by the end of the day

to day. And if you really want to stick, you really want this content to

stick, share what you learned. You don't have to say where you learned it, but

just share the concept with someone else. Hey, I learned

that anger is often driven by fear, and that didn't make sense to me, but

it's starting to make sense to me, and here's why do that. So I want

to close this podcast the way I always do. So live the life today that

you want to be remembered for 10 years after you're gone,

you decide your legacy, nobody else. I appreciate you

greatly and I'll see you next time.