So we have these times of the year, like vacations and summer

holidays and then even weekends where there's a potential

for more intimate interaction with other people. And there's also the

potential for more tension and conflict

the time we have. Conflict can lead to

connection and connection heals. Connection's powerful, but we don't always

feel that way in the moment. Now, having a game plan for going

into these interactions will decrease your anxiety. Anxiety decreases with a

plan. I'm going to give you a game plan to

interact during this season that we're in

right now, which is the holidays. But during any season when you're going to have

a chance to connect with people at a more

in a different way, more one on one conversation. So at work, you know, throughout

holidays you got parties, interactions that you don't have during the

regular work week normally, and you

can make the most of those times. So I'm going to give you three

tools that will instantly help you connect with others

and even in the most difficult and challenging of relationships. So as you

think about the family members and coworkers that you

struggle with the most, this content's going to help with you, going to

help you with those interactions, and you're also going to get in this

episode my four top questions to ask other people

in order to connect with them and why I've chosen those specific questions.

So welcome to the Decide youe Legacy podcast. I'm your host, Adam

Gragg. I'm a coach and a family therapist. I'm the founder of Decide

youe Legacy. We help leaders and their

teams to face the issues that they're avoiding,

to take productive action so they can take productive action that

sticks and make progress. And just so you know, my

definition of leadership is that everyone's a leader because

you have influence and you're a neighbor,

you're a friend, you're a family member. You have a chance to have

an influence. So risk that I've taken recently and I share this

because I like to do this every episode because I don't think much is more

powerful to your mental health than getting out of your comfort zone and

not playing it safe and much is more helpful than taking a risk,

doing something healthy, a good risk. So what I did is I had a hard

conversation. I sometimes when I have hard conversations with

clients, I think I'm going to lose this client. I'm going to offend them. You

know, they're not going to want that. It's going to be they're going to go

and find somebody else who's not going to have hard conversations with them. But I

haven't found that to be the case historically. I have on occasion,

but it's rare. Generally they respect you and

connect with you better when you're willing to have the courageous

conversations with them. So. So with all the clients that I have, I actually

try and keep track of the courageous conversations that I've had. It

motivates me because whatever you track grows and I know that that

impacts my connection with people. So the brain

naturally will go to safety. It will do that. When

you're going to potentially have a difficult conversation. When you're going to connect with somebody,

it'll go towards avoidance or minimization or procrastination

or justification. Because those or

excuses because that your ego, you know, your psyche is

going to perceive is going to keep you from getting hurt again. And that's its

job. But it's not true. It's lying to you. It's lying to you based on

the past. It's giving you fear in order to try and keep you from

loving other people where you might actually get hurt. But you know what,

you can make some changes to that and the quality of your life will get

much better. Because I find the quality of my life is directly connected to my

willingness to have courageous conversations. So the first tool that will

instantly transform your connection with others. And as you think about going

into the holidays, you think about going into these holiday parties, you think about leading

your team and having, having a connection with your team or as a parent,

you know, you leaders out there, remember the first tool is to say that I

was wrong to apologize, to admit that you've messed up.

Now why does that help connection? Because you're showing that

you're human. You're showing that you're willing to look at yourself. You have

self awareness. People trust that. They trust it. When you say

that you're sorry because you hurt somebody. And even if you didn't

do it intentionally, you're still owning the fact that you did do

something that was harmful in a way to that person. You're

building trust. Apologies start to

show that you value the relationship more than the

benefits that you get in life from external

sources. You value connection more than any, any one thing because you're

willing to go first and apologize. You're willing to say that you're sorry. Now there's

a risk to it because you could experience anger. That's one of the responses you

get from people when you apologize. You could experience a form of

blame. I mean like you could experience some other consequences. I mean, in some cases

by apologizing, you could get fired. I get it. You know, there's

reasons that it can be scary, but the benefit

is tremendous. Now, I do suggest a lot of times with

certain issues you want to apologize for relationally, talk to some really

trustworthy, worthy friends before you make the apology. Get their feedback on

it. People that you know are willing to be honest with you.

Not those that are going to add fuel to the fire, not those that are

going to share that you got to avoid it. Not those. Those aren't

really people who are trying to help you. People who are true friends who are

trying to help you navigate a difficult situation.

And when you apologize, remember that you can

have small toes, not be offended by everything that

happens. Like small toes keep you from being offended. If, if,

I mean, that goes in both, both ways. I mean, if you want to have

healthy relationships, be willing to say you're wrong and also be willing to have small

toes so you're not offended so easily and don't take everything so personally. I

noticed that in healthy relationships that I have, there's a sense of lightness,

there's a sense of quick forgiveness, there's a sense of admittance, of being

wrong, there's a sense of we're going to make mistakes in grace

for the other person. So the second tool that you can put

in your tool belt as a plan, as a game plan, going into these interactions

is to be the person willing to go first. Leaders go

first. They're willing to say I was wrong first of all,

but willing to go first in those interactions. I

over Thanksgiving holiday this year,

I decided while everybody was eating dinner to ask a question.

And I'm kind of known for asking some questions. And I could see one of

my first cousins role, well, a spouse of a first

cousin, I could see him roll his eyes. I didn't say anything about it because

it didn't bother me really, because I knew I would get some resistance. But the

question was, what is something you're thankful for that would surprise

people? So it's pretty basic question, but I

knew I would get some resistance because that just is what happens.

And if you are going to have big

toes, you're not going to be willing, most likely to go first

to make it not about you, but about the group and about helping other people,

which you'll be, you'll be okay with somebody being

irritated by you going first, but that will help you because you're the

one who is being curious. You're the one who's asking the hard

and the positive questions. You're the one who's willing

to encourage everybody to play a game.

You're the one who's willing to encourage everyone on your team to do some

icebreaker activity when that hasn't actually happened often in the

past. You're the one who's willing to be embarrassed for the sake of the

growth of the group. That's what I mean. That's a real positive thing. And

you'll have people drawn to you because they're seeing that you, Troy

and Steve and Jennifer and

Melissa are willing to lead. That's really key right there.

So the third thing you can do, and I'm going to elaborate on this some,

is in these interactions, be the person who adds value.

So we want to be around people who add value to our lives.

We don't want to be around people who

add drama to our lives. We don't want to be

around people who invalidate us. We don't want to be around people who,

who drain us. And sometimes those people live in our household

and they're related to us and that's okay. And that's

everybody that isn't a hermit that lives alone all the

time. But we can be the person who not only is willing to apologize and

go first, but we're also being, we're also willing to add value

consistently to those people we interact with on a regular basis. Doesn't mean we're

not having conflict, doesn't mean we're always positive and we

never have concerns. But we're intentionally trying

to inspire and encourage. So the way to

invalidate people, and many of you, most of you probably know what this is, although

you may not stop doing it even though you know what it is. But doing

things that numb, isolating, avoiding. So you being on your

computer when you could actually interact with somebody,

you being on your phone when you could interact with somebody, one

of your kids or a friend or a coworker who somebody you're leading at

a team meeting that's going to cause a problem watching tv when

you could have an interaction with somebody, that could be a problem. But you have

to be honest with yourself just like you would with

self journaling. You know, you got to be honest about it

and say like I'm watching this football game and avoiding

interacting with the co workers. Sorry, my

kids. And I'm actually, I'm on my phone

and I'm avoiding interacting with my co workers. Gotta be honest. So another

way or some other ways to add Value is to listen

and look at people and then express interest. Sometimes

you have to manufacture emotion to express excitement.

You want to. Number two, resist defending yourself. Number

three, show more emotion than you normally would. That can be validating to

people. Making a list of ways to encourage people what

you admire about them and sharing it with them. Letting go of a

formulated response and interactions so you can hear

and listen and then craft your response based on what you hear from

them or ask further questions based on what you

hear. So but another way to ask value to add value is to get to

know people. So if you want to go into this holiday season, you want to

go to this work party and get to know people better. I got four great

questions that you can ask and I like these. I'm

going to share with you why I like them. So number one, first question is,

what are times? In your life? And you, you can

preempt a question before I go into it. You can preempt and say, hey, I

want to ask you a question. It's been a helpful one for me. Or I'm

just really curious about this. Or I'm doing an experiment. You can make it

so that it's not weird because you're just trying to get to know them.

You're just trying to get to know them. So the first question is,

what are times in your life you felt most fulfilled? All right, so.

So you can share when you have in your life, but you' getting

to know when they've felt most fulfilled. And the reason I like that is because

it gives you other information about a person and what

inspires them and what motivates them. And you can tap into

that and use it to actually encourage them. And they're going to be excited

to answer that question if they're in a good place and

engaging because they'll share. I was really fulfilled and

at this moment in my life when I took a risk and reached out

to people more when I ran the marathon or when I, you know,

was writing a book. But it gives them. It's really inspiring

to see people light up when they answer that question. Love it. So

second question is, who in your life have you felt the most

love from? So may. May not be maybe kind

of an awkward question in some settings, but you're tapping into the

connections that people have felt. So it could also, a variant could be, who in

your life just gave you the most encouragement in your life? I think that's a,

a safer way to ask it at work. Who gave you the most encouragement? And

then they share their grandfather did or. But it's tapping in to

their relationships. And the third question here is, I love this one for some

reason, but I found this, I've gotten the most interesting answers from this question

is have you ever almost died? And

if you have, if you haven't, you know, what was the closest you've come? And

so, and again, that's all you share with them. You don't want to

give them the answer because they may say, what do you mean? What do you

mean? You know? And well, just I'll ask the question again. Have you ever almost

died, you know, or what's the closest you've come? And they may share something

that comes up for them as you let them sit with the question, which silence

is a great thing in interaction. It gets, it means somebody's thinking

and they may say, well, I had an appendicitis and it was so painful I

felt like I was going to die. Or I was almost in a car accident

or they could even say that something would shock you, you know,

they, they drowned and were brought back to life. I. Who knows? But then the

fifth, the fourth question is, what house or neighborhood like

growing up? What was your house or neighborhood like growing up?

You know, the funny thing for me as I answered that is I had a

Greek family that lived next door to us. And yes, I have been to a

real live big fat Greek wedding when I was a kid.

So it was really cool. And that's when I realized that Greek food is actually

really stinking good because I don't think, I can't remember when I'd ever tried it

before then, so. And again, the healthier somebody gets, the

more open they get. That's what I've seen with people. So if you don't

like answering questions right now, I just challenge you to say to

yourself, you know, what is this resistance all about? What am I not wanting to

share? And how would it benefit me if I started to open up more? You

lead the way. And you can lead the way with these three actions and making

your connections and building your connection, saying you were wrong, going first and

adding value to the interactions. So I went

this last weekend to Arkansas and it was a four hour drive

from Wichita. I went and ran in a 10k trail race with one of my

closest friends, Dave. Now this was

a great time of connection for me, but interestingly enough,

I felt very negative on the car ride out there, really

discouraged about my life and I was stuck. And

I got a good night's sleep. I ran in the race. On the way back

from Arkansas, we went to a cool museum in Bentonville. We went to a great

coffee shop and Arkansas called Onyx, which was really sweet.

And the museum was called Crystal Bridges. It's really cool place. And we

had a lot of good, great conversation. On the way back, we listened

to the Joe Rogan podcast actually on a really cool episode. But I

felt so energized on Sunday. We got back really late on Saturday, felt so

energized. But it was because of the connection that we had on that trip

and I need more of that. You need more of that. It's more valuable

than money. It's more valuable than anything you could ever achieve. Connection will

change your life. So build connections. Build deeper connections today. I

mean, that's what I want for you. So what insight did you gain from listening

to this episode of the Decide youe Legacy podcast? What insight did you

gain and what are you gonna apply? What action are you going to take by

the end of the day? So 80% of transformation

is action. Only 20% is

insight. You gained insight today. Real courage and bravery

comes from you applying what you've learned. So to decide means

that you're eliminating other options. Your legacy is the impact that your life

has on other people. I want you to make one decision for me today and

that's to subscribe to Shatterproof Yourself Light.

It will make build help you build the foundation of confidence that

will make interacting easier for

you. It'll inspire you. It's a four page worksheet and a brief

video. There's no cost. Go through it, fill it out. It's going to really impact

your life. So hit the link and subscribe. There's no

positive change until you decide to change.

You decide your legacy. You

can decide today. So I want to close the way I always do. Live the

life today. You want to be remembered for 10 years after you're gone. You

decide your legacy. Nobody else. I appreciate you greatly and I'll see you

next time.

Sam.