There's this phrase that you've probably heard, and the phrase goes like this.

There's no stupid questions. And

I get why people say it, because they're trying to

encourage people to be curious, make people feel safe, open up.

Basically they're saying, and it's a safe place. But here's the problem. I don't actually

believe that that is true. In my work with leaders

in families, as a family therapist and

with married couples, I've seen that some questions

don't create clarity at all. They actually create

confusion. Some questions don't move us forward, they keep us

stuck. And some questions quietly protect our comfort

and our ego and our fear. And while we pretend to be curious,

they're making things worse. The quality of your life is directly

related to your willingness to have courageous conversations.

And all courageous conversations occur because someone

has had the bravery to

ask a courageous, high quality question.

So today we're gonna talk about the difference between good questions and bad

questions. Not to shame anybody, but to help you grow

and to think and to lead better and to engage others better. Because

if you want better answers in your interactions, you gotta start

by asking better question.

So let's go ahead and dive in. Something I did recently, and I want to

share something I feel like is is brave, is I invited

somebody to go skiing with me that I don't know very well, just to get

to know them better. I don't know how it's going to work out. I think

it's going to hopefully work out pretty good, but we'll see how it goes. Now,

there's good questions and there's bad questions. That was a good question. I mean, I

had to let go of the outcome. I had to actually step out. And the

reason I share that is to challenge you to do the same. Because we grow

when we do brave things in our lives. And in fact, nothing's

more important to your growth and your mental health and your confidence than

reaching out and not playing it safe.

So, topic of the podcast today is, yes, there are stupid

questions. And let's talk about why. Welcome to the Decide youe

Legacy podcast. I'm your host, Adam Gragg. I'm a coach and a

family therapist. I founded Decide youe Legacy in

2012. And what we do is help leaders and their teams

dig deep, face the issues they're avoiding so they can take productive action,

move the needle, make progress. And from my point of view,

everybody's a leader. You're a leader if you have influence, and you all have influence.

People are watching You. I'm going to discuss three

decisions today that leaders make that

stop them from asking these stupid questions. And just kind of a

caveat is, stupid's a strong word, but when we think about

it's bad questions, questions that don't move people forward, don't let

that trigger you. I'm not saying you're stupid. If you ask these things, ask these

types of questions. I ask them, I struggle with them. I make

podcasts for first myself and then I make it to help other people.

So this has helped me primarily.

And it's gonna be helpful to you though. So

what a question is a better question. You

know, when, when it opens people up, when they

are triggered to engage, when they feel as if they have to think.

And I realized as a family therapist years ago that

the way people approach questions and conversations has a humongous impact

on the outcome of that conversation. So the way the conversation starts has an

impact on how it actually goes to a great extent because

questions can trigger high emotion. And we don't want to get people engaged

in their amygdala, which is the emotional center of their brain. We want to get

them engaged in their prefrontal cortex, where they can think and process

information. I will train people

leadership teams, first and foremost at the beginning on how to have a good conversation,

how to have an interaction that can move the needle, can make progress.

So you leave that interaction feeling inspired to take action.

A bad question is one

where it just doesn't feel good to the other person. When you asked

doesn't feel good, you leave the interaction feeling like,

huh, man, did we make any progress on that or did

I have to put my energy into defending myself? A bad question

relates to status where people one up each other, where it's

based on position and title. A bad question has this

sense of judgment to it and you know, as we talk today, I'm

going to give you details, but bad questions or stupid questions are going

to be closed ended versus open ended, which means a closed

ended question leads to a yes or a no answer. It doesn't get

somebody to think, you know, an

example would be, did you get that thing done?

Yes or no. It's not that that's a unnecessary question in certain

situations, but I'd even in that situation encourage you to make it an open ended

question. Bad questions are leading. People are

assuming in the question that

you have some sort of an answer that they pick up on that you'd like

them to give you, rather than a non leading

question, which is letting go of the outcome, it's letting go of your fear, basically.

And stupid questions have a negative tone. They don't

have genuine curiosity attached to them and they don't lead

towards clarity. So

you know, if you, if you have some

questions can keep people stuck, you know, because they trigger

defensiveness and they sense that you're trying to control

the outcome. They sense that you're trying to control

what they share, which is not a good thing.

And it's something that will close people down. So the

first decision that leaders make to move the

needle to make progress is they admit that not all questions are good

questions. And some of the questions they've been asking have not been good

questions. The reason is that if they

can't admit that they don't have enough self awareness to try to work on them,

try to work on it. They're, they're intentionally trying to frame their

questions in a way that's going to help everybody make progress. So they're letting

go of this image management of having to look like the

leader, of having to control the outcome. That's self awareness. Self

awareness is powerful. So that's the decision you make. You can choose

to become more self aware of yourself

and how you're interacting with people. And

you have these questions too that are fear based,

which makes them stupid questions. Meaning that

your own ego, your own fear is

leading you to asking the question in a way where you get the best answer,

the answer that you want in that situation.

And it's all fear. It's all you trying to control

things, which doesn't help people

to open up in. It can happen unintentionally that people ask

these questions that shut people down. It happens

unintentionally because you are used to approaching

things with a certain tone. You're used to approaching things with a

posture that closes people down. And yeah,

we can go into body language. I'm not going to do that here because I

don't think it's as nearly as relevant as self awareness. Because

you can have body language that seems open, but your tone

because you're not self aware is actually gonna close people down

amazingly. I can ask things, I can ask, use the exact same

words and share it in a way that shuts people

down. For example,

I think Troy is funny. Troy's the podcast, the Decide

youe Legacy podcast producer. And I, I say to Troy,

Troy, how did you get so funny?

That's a curious question. I think he'd probably respond to that in a positive way

or I could say same words. How did you get

so funny, Troy. And

you can see in my tone that I have a

level of annoyance in the posing of the question,

how did you get so funny? I mean, you can ask it really quick and

it can be judgmental and then you can even change that. And your tone and

the word why can go in front of it. And why often closes people down

because why has this just the connotation

to the word why can actually with people psychologically make them feel

as if they're boxed into a corner. So, you know, why are you so funny?

Why are you so funny? You know, And I could even change the word to

something negative like obnoxious. And that word, you

know, how did you get so obnoxious, Troy?

Can be phrased in a way that can be sound really

judgmental or if I'm lighthearted about it. And my tone is

like, man, you know, how did you get to be

so obnoxious? You know, and it can create a

non defensive posture based on my tone, really important.

So it's something you want to work on, it's something you want to practice. It's

something, it's something you want to be aware of. And good leaders, great leaders, have

the self awareness to realize that their tone does have an impact,

as does timing, as does the word we use at the

front of the question. And the most impactful

words I found in my experience is what or how as far as

phrasing a question, what or how leads to the best result. Or it

can be things like elaboration type questions like tell me more, give me an

example, give me an example. So, and

sometimes people can, they can believe

that they're asking a question where they sound responsible or wise, but they're

actually really shutting people down. So one thing that I've seen with some leaders

is they can manipulate in the way that they ask questions because

they'll ask multiple questions at once, which can be the

avoidance, an avoidance tactic of not putting someone in a position

where they can ask the one most important question. And so if I'm

in a coaching session with, if I'm at a coaching group session, I'm going to

correct that. I'm going to say that was multiple questions. Which one would

you like them to answer first? And sometimes people don't like that who are used

to asking complicated questions because they've gotten their way

based on asking those types of questions. You want to ask one question

at a time often as well. They

can sound smart in their questions, but they're really leading

because it's Not a question. And that is one big point is that sometimes we

ask questions. They're not really questions, they're just phrased as a question.

That's all they're doing. So for example, someone could say

like, you know, X, Y and Z company made this decision

and then everyone in the room knows that XYZ Company's not doing too well.

Right. So there's a bias from the pro when

they present the question and they say, they say X, Y and Z company made

this type of decision here. You know, what, what do you guys want to do?

So sounds good on the surface, but they've already led the

question with phrasing it related to this company that's

struggling. And so of course they're not going to want to answer in a way

that's aligned with that company's decision making process. Whether it's good

or bad. They're closing the answers to that question.

And that's a problem right there. So it sounds responsible, sounds wise,

but really it's avoidance. And that's what happens with questions

is the bad ones, the stupid ones, are avoiding the core issue

and addressing the topic that really needs to be actually addressed. So the second decision

that really great leaders make when they're asking questions is they're letting

go of the outcome. They're, they're letting go of control. And basically what

that means is they're letting go of listening to their ego and making decisions

that are ego based. So I deal with

some clients and over time this changes and everything, but there can be this

status orientation and it can be this, you know, where do you

have a lake house or what kind of travel

do you go on, that kind of thing. And usually what I feel

when that becomes the center of the interaction or it's subtly

planted in the interaction is that it's a status orientation. And status

is how somebody describes somebody else that they don't actually know.

They don't actually know you, but they're equating status to you, which

doesn't say anything about your relationship with them. So people who

name drop will often do it in a way where it's status oriented. We don't

want to do that because that's ego driven. Now great leaders, they let go of

that and amazingly, you don't have to.

Actually, you can have tremendous success in life and not be ego driven.

It's not this universal thing. I mean, I know very, very

financially successful people who I would not say are ego driven. And

you wouldn't necessarily know what they do or how they travel or where

they have ski home, but, but you

know, I know what they do and how they live. And it's

incredibly encouraging because there's no like

equation. You know, there's no perfect way of identifying how

somebody, how much success somebody has by what you see externally. You

know, that's, that's a fallacy. It really is. So

you want to be the person who is willing to go

first in asking questions, to let go and to see that there's real freedom when

you do let go. Because that's where the good stuff happens. When you let go

of the outcome, it's bravery. And

you can ask questions that provide a sense of safety for people. You know, you

can get to see people openly

engaged and energized when you phrase the question in a

way where everybody has to think where they feel safe, where you know, where they

know that the outcome and your answer is not

something that they want to control because they're brave.

Now avoidance comes in all kinds of different forms. I mean, people can

avoid through excuses, they can avoid through justification and

minimization, but it's all fear. And it's all this fear of actually being in

situations where you can engage, where you can be called out

potentially because your behavior is then in

a position where you could be called out on it. But brave people do that.

They want the feedback, they want the insight, they

want to know that they can grow and they want other people in their

corner. It'll want to be in a status based position. They don't want to be

in a situation where the questions they ask are closed

ended and open ended because they see the blessings in letting go and

the freedom that's on the other side and the growth that's on the other side.

So they let go of control. And

you know, if you want to ask and start asking better questions,

well, first of all, letting go, you got to let go

of this. I'm compelled to ask a certain question

or to make a certain statement. You know, when you're compelled, your emotions are

very high and you have this sense of urgency. But often that urgency

is not driven by what's most important. It's driven by ego,

your own fear. And you want to let go of that, you know,

because you'll end up doing things that damage your career and your

relationships and the dynamics you have in relationships. You want to

have this orientation of saying like I to listen and learn so I

can become better. And it's not about me, it's about them. It's about

helping other people you will have

people in your life that are takers, everybody does. And you'll have

people in your life that are givers. And over

time, one of the great parts about life is you can start

engaging in the givers much more and identifying the

givers where it's not about them and their ego, it's actually about

helping other people and growing up. And they're the ones that are willing to ask

the open ended questions, they're the ones that are willing to ask the non leading

questions, they're the ones that are willing to think and let go of their

ego and ask those better questions.

So you want to pay attention to that in your own self. You know,

what is your objective? Is it to connect or is it to get

status? Is it to learn and listen or is it

to feel good about yourself and to not actually be

challenged? Are you saying this and are you agreeing because

you simply want to placate or do you really want to engage

and learn and grow and build the relationship

that's crucial right there. So if you want to get better, you want to

internally look at yourself and check your motives before you ask the question,

before you speak, before you share. And if I could give

leaders one thing to think about, you know, if you want to ask a better

question, have the orientation you're going to learn as much as you can

and that it's you're going to grow as much as you can, you're going

to help as much as you possibly can. And that leads me

to the third decision that great

leaders make. And they say that it's not

about me, it's not about me, they let go of it being

about themselves and that's a very brave thing

to do. So

when they are saying it's not about me, then they're learning to let the

other person have their place in the interaction. They're willing to

say I can help them, I can actually help somebody else

in this situation and in this interaction. And if you go into

interactions and they get and pick up on the fact that you are trying to

help them, that you're trying to encourage them, then they're going to be

open to those interactions first and foremost and they're going to actually let their guard

down and it's going to take some time. So check out the article.

This is a brand new article that I have coming out. It's called yes, it's

same article, same title as the podcast. Yes, there are stupid questions,

let's talk about why. And in that article I'm going to list

some open ended questions that are my favorites to ask.

And you'll have a chance to get a PDF of those down

of those questions as well through that article. So you want to check

that out. Goes with this podcast. Good

stuff. So in review, great leaders when it comes to

asking questions, they don't ask stupid ones.

Instead they make the decision to admit that sometimes they can ask

stupid ones so they can change. They make the decision to let go of the

outcome and they make the decision to not make it about themselves.

And here's the truth man. Asking questions doesn't

automatically make you wise. Asking

intentional questions, asking courageous questions,

asking honest questions, asking the right questions

in the right fashion does bad questions

give you short term comfort? Bad questions are just another

disguise for avoiding bad questions. Just maintain the

status quo. Bad questions are self protective. Good

questions create clarity. Good questions create

connection. Good questions create results.

So this week pay attention to the questions that you're asking. Especially when you feel

stuck, when you feel frustrated, when you feel defensive, don't ask

questions that feel the easiest or feel compelled.

You feel compelled to ask. Ask the ones that feel the most honest

and that deal with the biggest issue at hand.

Because better questions don't change conversations. Actually they

change relationships and they change lives. So in the

next episode you're really going to want to check this out because it's on being

encouraging as a leader, which actually encouragement to give other

people courage, which as a leader, if you're the guy who

gives people courage, then you're going to be in a position where

other people are going to be less defensive of your

questions no matter how you pose them, because they

are going to know your motives. And the bigger the connection, the

deeper the connection. People understand the motive behind the question. So it

doesn't mean you can't ask stupid questions anymore. It just means that they're not going

to necessarily be defensive even if you do ask a stupid question. And they're going

to be able to say let's go deeper in this and even try to rephrase

your question so it can be answered. And you know, if this

podcast challenged you, which I know it does, me

personally. So share it with another leader on your team and share it with

somebody in your family who's ready to grow. Share it

and then ask yourself one better question

today for your own journaling and ask one better question to somebody else

as well. And so growth is an ongoing process. We decide

and then we act and then we repeat. So we grow through

gaining insight, which you gained today and Then we have to actually

make a commitment and then take an action. That's the growth process we have

to make. We have to take an action. So what insight did you gain today

and what action are you gonna take today? 80% of

transformation and change is taking action. Only

20% is insight. So you want to take some action, an action you can

take as well as follow me, follow Decide youe Legacy and

then leave it a rating and review on Apple or Spotify. And you can follow

our blog at Decide youe Legacy as well. And then another thing you can do

is subscribe to Shadowproof Yourself Light. So you get seven small steps and

to a giant leap in your confidence and you can hit the link as well.

So to decide means that you're eliminating other options.

You're like, man, I'm going to give this a shot. I'm going to do it

and I'm going to get it done. You're writing it down, you're telling somebody about

it. Your legacy is the impact your life has on other

people. Not just right now, today, but when you're actually gone. And

there's no positive change in your life unless you decide

to change. And your legacy depends on the decisions that you

make today. So in closing, as I always do,

live the life today that you want to be remembered for 10 years

after you're gone. You decide your legacy, nobody else.

I appreciate you greatly and I'll see you next time.