I define encouragement as giving someone else

courage. In courage, encouragement is one of the most

overlooked leadership skills

and potentially the most

powerful. We want to be around people who give us more

courage. That oozes out of them and it spreads to us. And most

leaders think encouragement is optional.

It's soft. It's something you do after you get the results

so they. They land the big deal and then you encourage them. But

in reality, encouragement is often what

creates the results. It shapes people's confidence so they can

go out and get results. It enhances the culture.

It creates more engagement. When people are encouraged and

feel encouraged, they get more excited about their jobs, excited

about taking bold action. And encouragement is what

creates long term solid performance. So today

we're gonna unpack what encouragement really is, what leaders get

wrong about it, and how you can apply it immediately in

your workplace without lowering your standards, without

avoiding hard conversations. And this applies to your

family and friends and community as well. So if you lead people,

which all of you do, cause leadership is influence and you wanna grow,

you wanna stay engaged, and you want to bring out the best in other people,

then this conversation matters.

So let's go ahead and dive in. Today's episode is on three decisions encouraging

leaders make every day. So welcome to the Decide youe

Legacy podcast. I'm your host, Adam Grag. I am a

legacy coach and I'm a family therapist. I founded

Decide youe Legacy in 2012. And we at

Decide youe Legacy help leaders and their teams face the issues that

they're avoiding, take productive action and make

progress. Progress that sticks, progress that

transforms. From my point of view, everybody's a leader.

I don't care if you're 13. Listen to this podcast in the car with your

dad on the way from volleyball practice. You have

influence over your friends. You have influence. People are watching your behavior. You're

influencing your teacher. You're influencing kids that are younger than you. You're

influencing your siblings, you're influencing your parents, even.

I took a brave action recently, and I want to share one. And not that

I'm always brave, because I'm definitely not, but what I did is I

worked out on Saturday, and then after that I thought, you know what? I

haven't really socialized a lot today and I need to go out and get

out. You know, I didn't have anything planned with my friends that night. And so

what I did is I went to this place called the Humidor. It's like a

cigar bar. And I didn't have a cigar.

But what I did I sat in this area, like these two couches with a

coffee table, and nobody was there. And I'm like, I don't want to take up

that seat because other people, it'll get crowded. Other people want to sit there. But

then I said, well, I'm just going to sit there and see who else sits

there. And so. And I told the,

the bartender deal that, you know, anyone can sit here.

You know, I'm not meeting anybody. I'm just gonna. I'm gonna

meet people I don't know, basically. And so some people came and sat there. It

was a double date. Two people. There were two 22 year old

girls and then two 24 year old guys. And we had a great

conversation for like an hour watching the 49ers get their butts kicked

by the Seahawks. But it was pretty fun. And it was a risk because it

was kind of embarrassing, like. Cause people could think like, well, don't you have your

own friends? And I'm like, I was thinking in my mind, I'm not

gonna be insecure about that. I'm just gonna meet some new people.

People as we go through this topic too, I'm gonna share some

personal stories, gonna be fun. So people

misunderstand encouragement, and this costs them

greatly because there is opportunity that

you're not tapping into because you're not being encouraging.

And when you think about it, you have opportunities

to leave people feeling better about the interaction or worse about the

interaction. You can be that guy who leads,

that gal who leads by making it your intention

that they feel better about the interaction when it ends.

In my life, I can think of

so many situations, but I'll share a specific one where I've been very

discouraged. And even a stranger or somebody that I'm close to has

given me courage because of how they've interacted with me. So I get pretty

anxious when I do something new, like I launch a new product

or I launch a new type of service with decide your legacy.

And I want to procrastinate, I want to perfectionate, I want to just wait.

And so people that know me, they can pick up on the fact that I

just need somebody to give me a nudge, like, you got this, Adam. Like, you

can. You can do this. You've done it before. You know, you're going to learn

from the experience. So just get it out there. And so friends like

Troy and Jason and Kendall and my friend

Ben, almost every day, you know, they say things I need to hear,

and that's encouragement. And it may not be What I want to hear, it's like.

But it's encouragement and doesn't mean that something is

not encouraging because you don't like hearing it. No. The people you can

trust the most in life are willing to say the things you need to hear

but don't want to hear. And it's going to give you courage when you hear

it and they're brave enough to say, hey, I'm going to say it anyway,

even though I'm going to get resistance.

People, they make excuses to not encourage other people mean

they're uncomfortable because it is a courageous conversation to give

somebody that affirmation. It is a courageous

conversation to give somebody appreciation because they could reject

it because it might not go well, because they might not receive it. You don't

know what the outcome's going to be. It is one of those things where you're

letting go of the outcome in order to give somebody. Even just sending

them a text saying, you know, thinking about you today, or a scripture verse or

a meme or something that reminds you of them. A picture which, by

the way, I've had a great time doing some funny stuff with my family

recently. Sending them encouraging things that

irritates my mom a little bit, but it's got, it's a lot of fun. So

busyness gets in the way and just blind spots that you don't

see how you're missing opportunities. You're not self aware enough as

a leader to see that, you know, you could make a huge difference here in

this interaction and you're not doing it because of your own fear.

And it's all fear. I mean, people fight me on that all the time. I

have clients that fight me on that all the time. I don't have any fear.

I'm not afraid. Yes, you're afraid. And that may be what they need to hear

for me to be able to encourage them. We're all afraid.

Everybody's afraid. Everybody's afraid. Some people

just don't admit it. A lot of people just don't admit it. So the first

decision that leaders make to be more encouraging is they

reflect on it. And they not only reflect on it within themselves, but

they reflect on it related to the people in their sphere of influence.

So they see people they work with every day and they start to

intentionally make a list, mental or physical. I'm a fan of physical

lists of how I can encourage that person. They channel their

energy into realizing there are specific ways that that person can be inspired

by your interactions with them. And they do it over Time

they do it. So that's the first thing to challenge you to do today is

to think about your co workers that you lead, the people that you interact with

every day, family included, the people that you could interact with more.

Start making a list, just start putting their names down. And just

that one action that you're saying, I want to encourage these people more by making

that list, you're going to start encouraging people more. Because the

brain's an amazing thing. It does what you tell it to do, it does what

you focus on. Whatever you focus on the most, you get more of. If you

want to focus on being a better encouraging leader, start just focusing on the people

who you can potentially encourage in your life and it'll

naturally start coming to you. It won't happen though, unless you engage

it. It does take intentionality.

One misconception people have too is if I encourage the people I

work with more, my team more, it's gonna lower the bar of accountability.

And so there's this tension point for great leaders for good. Well, for leaders, like,

it's really though, that's a question of credibility.

Like if you think that it's either I can encourage somebody or I

can hold somebody accountable, then you're way, way, way off. You

can express appreciation and gratitude to other

people for their performance in some areas. And then you can also correct

them or give them inspiration, give them accountability

to challenge them in other areas. It doesn't nullify the fact

that they have growth areas because you're giving them praise in

one part of their performance when you want to correct another part of their performance.

Not at all. And real encouragement

is not empty praise, by the way. Real encouragement

is going to be specific towards a behavior that you've recognized in somebody

else. Real encouragement is going to reference

and give an example in your mind. You may be thinking of it. You have

an example to actually reference that you can point out to them. Real

encouragement is confidence building feedback. It's

meaningful feedback. It's not just this, hey, good job on the project, you

know, or good job for getting the sale. No, it's like good job for getting

the sale. And be specific. With XYZ company I know

that took a lot on you, effort on your part

because they're along. It's a long sales process to close a big deal like that.

And you can even follow it up with a question like, what did you do?

I mean, like that could be a very encouraging question. And then they can start

processing the steps they took to get that deal closed.

Encouragement isn't just about how leaders speak. It's about how they

see people. And let's talk about that for a

moment. I mean, encouragement. People who encourage

others, they see people as valuable. They see people as having

great potential. They see people as making mistakes at

time and, and failing at times, but having the potential to

learn from it and to grow from it. They see

people as an opportunity to build up and to

help get and make better. And then in return, you become

somebody that those people want to be around. You become somebody that

they think, hey, if I'm going to interact with Troy, he's going to probably say

something that I need to hear that's going to help me to be a better

person. Really exciting thing.

And it also boils down to, like,

self awareness is. I can admit that I'm

not doing this well. I can admit that I've dropped the ball. And

this is the problem too, because people can have a lot of shame if

they listen to a podcast like this and think, I've been so negative so long.

I've made so many mistakes for so many years. I can't change this. This is

just how I work. And this is actually what has gotten the company to succeed

and the employees to succeed, you know, but that's, that's a lack of self

awareness. Because imagine if the company is succeeding while you're

a discouraging leader, a negative leader,

how much greater potential and how much greater efficiency and performance

will come out of your organization when you become an encouraging

leader. But you can have shame, which

says you are bad and you won't change it then, because why are you going

to change it if you've just been that way so long, You've been discouraging so

long and you're not motivated to change because you're shaming yourself. So you're just getting

more negative behavior. You're just doing it again and again because you feel so much

shame. Shame is such a powerful thing. But transform that shame

into remorse. Remorse says, like, I did that. That situation was

bad, and I'm going to let go of that and change it and do something

different. That's remorse. So

encouragement actually improves results. It

reframes. It's actually a strategic advantage. It's not a

soft skill. It's a leadership skill. It's a leadership skill. So the

second decision that people make is they

see people as valuable

and they see everybody as counting.

Amazingly, the way you treat other people is a reflection of

how you view yourself. You've probably heard the

cliche like, hurt people hurt people. And I believe that's definitely true. I also

think hurt people don't hurt people. And I've been around a

lot of people that have had tremendous hurt in their lives, and I've had hurt

in my life. But it doesn't mean I have to hurt people. It just

means that that's a tendency that I can have. And if I'm not

aware of it, then I can look at people as if they don't count, or

I can look at them as a stepping stone to getting to where I want

to be, and that's going to damage my relationships. So leaders

see everybody is counting, first of all themselves. And

secondly, because they know if they don't see themselves as valuable, then they're going to

treat others poorly, and then they start seeing other people as valuable. When you see

yourself as having tremendous value, you can't

stop yourself from wanting to give that to other people. It becomes

contagious because you have so much to give. Of course you want to make other

people's lives better. So there's this mindset shift that occurs,

and it happens because we start viewing ourselves as being people of

potential, as having value. Even if we can look at the

past in ourselves and say, I wish I wouldn't have gone through that, you know,

we can say, that's going to add so much value to other people's lives. Because

I went through that, because I can use that as one of my greatest assets

to help other people. And

it can become a habit. It can become a habit. You can have

encouragement habits in your life because you're seeing people as valuable. You want to give

them encouragement, you want to give them courage. And then you start

engaging that list that you have and those opportunities that you actually have. And so

the habits you build are going to need to be planned into your

life. So make it your goal every day, one day,

every day, one person, you give some courage to make it your

goal to learn something about somebody else every day that you can

utilize to give them more courage. Make it your mission to encourage

somebody every day that you don't want to encourage, but you actually do it anyway.

And so here's the third decision that all leaders make when they

become good at this skill of praising other people.

Not empty praise, but realistic, solid

praise that moves the needle. So they, as great leaders,

they encourage themselves. When you like

yourself, it spreads. Find ways to encourage

yourself consistently. And what I do here

is same thing that I do with other clients. So I have all these

tools that I've created over the last 25 years. And I used

to call them healthy thinking skills and I've called them

lately healthy thinking tools because it's a tool that you can apply

again and again. And I think that I have, as I've

looked, I believe I've never counted this down, but I believe I have about

75 worksheets that me and my team, we've created over the

years. Some have been used again and again, some are very situation

specific. But one of the worksheets that I've used again and again is called

the My True Value worksheet. And I'm going to

link to an article here to that worksheet. So you can

download that yourself and see it and check it out. But what you do is

it's a brainstorm session where you look at all these different qualities

that people have, yourself and others, and their positive

qualities that you could utilize. You could use this list to encourage

other people. You could have them fill it out. And then I have clients, they

look at this list and they do some self reflection based on their life and

they identify what they would determine are the top 10 qualities

that they have, things that they like about themselves. And then they whittle

that down to their top four. And I have them write that down on an

index card initially posted in their car, on their dash, post it on a

mirror somewhere where they can reflect on it and keep it top of mind.

And then I can have them do this with other people they work with as

well so that other person knows what they've identified as the

qualities they like the most in themselves, which will help them to be

a better employee. And I don't find that people have like 20 of these. I

find that they have, you know, two or three. Maybe we start with four, then

they get down to two or three. These are qualities that I have I can

add again and again. Not that they don't have other positive

qualities as well, but they can focus on those to encourage themselves.

And then when they encourage themselves, they're going to draw that out in other people

and want to find ways to encourage other people.

So here you go. In summary, great leaders, if you want to work on encouraging

other people, they

make three decisions. One of the decisions is to reflect on

it. Other people reflect on other people, become self aware.

They see other people as counting, as all people as counting, and

then they encourage themselves as well. When

leaders consistently encourage the people around them, they

lead well and they create a culture that changes and they

leave a legacy that's different than the One they are leaving right now

because your behavior today is going to have the biggest impact on the legacy you

leave. If a leader listening today only changes

one thing, I would encourage you to make that list today

of people that you can start encouraging, start

becoming aware of, of how you can encourage those people. Encouragement is not

a personality trait. It's actually a discipline. It's not lowering the

standards, it's fueling courage. It's not an

extra, it's an essential. So this week, don't wait for the

perfect moment when it doesn't feel awkward. Just

choose one person, be specific, be timely, and

encourage what you want repeated. And of

course, you want their best qualities to come out and be repeated because that makes

your business money, it makes your team happier, it makes everybody work better together.

That's how strong cultures are built. One encouraging,

courageous conversation at a time. One

courageous conversation at a time. So what insight did you gain

today? And what actions are you committed to taking? So I did

this podcast as a follow up to a previous podcast

that was posted and launched last week called

yes, There Are Stupid Questions. Stop asking them. And the reason I did it, following

up on that podcast is because one way to ask great

questions is to set is to set the

stage through your encouragement that people are more receptive to your

questions. And that's how you do it. So what are you going to apply from

this episode on? Encouragement? Today you have to decide and then you have

to act and then you want to repeat. That creates a habit. 80% of

transformational change is insight. Sorry. Is action.

You take action. Only 20% or less is insight. You gained

insight today. So you have to take action and take

action today. And follow Decide youe Legacy podcast. Share it with a friend. Share it

with a leader. If you found this helpful, subscribe to

Shatterproof Yourself Light. These are seven small steps to a giant leap in

your mental health. You can watch the video right away, download the worksheet. Go through

this with your team by yourself. It's free. Check it out. So to decide

means that you're eliminating other options. You're like,

I gotta do this. I'm gonna do it. I will give it a shot. Your

legacy is the impact your life has on other people. It's a

big deal and there's no positive change until you decide to

change. Because your legacy depends on the decisions that you make

consistently. I'm going to go ahead and close the way I always do.

Make it your mission to live the life today that you want to be remembered

for 10 years after you're gone. You decide. Your legacy. Nobody

else. I appreciate you greatly. And I'll see you next time,

Sam.