You don't wake up one day with a broken life. You

actually drift into it one

unexamined decision at a time. In

this episode today, we're going to confront a hard truth, that

there are two paths ahead of you and you're

walking right now down

one of them. That leads to a very different outcome. One

builds peace and confidence and meaning into your life. And the

other will cost you time, relationships,

momentum, your health.

So today, you're going to be challenged to get brutally honest with

yourself about where the current path that you're on

is leading. And you're going to be

challenged to face the cost of not deciding to go down a different

path, the better path. And you're going to be challenged to stop living by

default and start designing your life and your future.

And this isn't about fear so much as it's about

clarity. You can recognize the fear in

your life and you can just muscle through. Okay, well,

and clarity is different. Clarity is saying yes to what

I want, and it's saying yes to yourself,

to doing what it takes to actually get there. Clarity is

often, most often, the very first turning point

in someone's life. So today, today's episode

is called. You're already writing your story. Choose the

ending.

Welcome to the Decide youe Legacy podcast. I'm Adam Grag. I'm

a coach and a family therapist. I'm the founder of Decide youe Legacy.

And what we do is help leaders and their teams face the issues

that are holding them back so they can commit and

find clarity to taking productive action and make progress

that sticks. And from my point of view, everybody's a leader.

So you're influencing your neighbors, your family, the people you interact

with on a day to day basis. People are watching you every episode.

I like to share one thing that I have done that is

challenging because nothing is more important to your

mental health and your confidence than not playing

it safe. So nothing is more damaging than playing it safe.

So what I did is I have engaged a program called Self

Authoring. And this was designed, I Believe, by Dr. Jordan

Peterson. It's not very expensive. I think it's costing me

$25 to go through. But. But it is hard. It's hard

because it requires you to do self reflection

and gain awareness. And it requires you to answer some hard questions

about your past and the future as well. You

get very clear. And so this podcast is inspired

by my effort to go through this program, and I'm going through it

slowly. I've challenged two other people on my team to go through it

as well. So the first place that I often start

with, and the reason I mentioned that as a brave action, is

because I don't see a whole lot of things braver than facing

ourselves and being honest with ourselves and telling

ourselves the truth about ourselves and the decisions that we're making. It's

brave because it's painful, because you have to be able to share

with yourself what you're doing that's not really helping you. And

in the process, you're hopefully going to share it with some other people as well.

So everybody at every moment

has a vision for their future. They just don't actually know it and they haven't

clarified it. This is one of the challenging parts of coaching. When

I first engage somebody, I am trying to gain a sense

of how honest they are with themselves about the

direction that they're heading in their life. And are they recognizing that? The

pitfalls that they're stepping right into, are they recognizing the

potential that they're not pursuing? We all have a

vision. Most people don't clarify it. And

amazingly, our brains will channel into whatever we focus on the most.

That's what happens when we're anxious. We're focusing on what can go wrong,

not what can go right. And it's not bad to

focus on what can go wrong, but it's the proportion of your emotional energy that

you're dedicating to that at the time. You're

overdoing it, you're overthinking it. That's really what people mean when they say

don't overthink. They're not thinking about the good nearly as much

as you could and should as well. So today we're going to talk

about three decisions that you can make. You can

decide to make to shift your paths

to create this much better, to pursue this better vision, to go down

a path towards a much better future. And

you're going to want to really take some action today. So stick

with me this whole episode because all three of these decisions

in conjunction are essential to creating a better future.

First decision is, I would find it the

most difficult one of all three because they build on each other. But the first

decision is to focus on the bad times ahead.

If you keep doing what you've been doing, that hasn't gotten you where you want

to go. Not fun, I get it. But it's

this avoidance of looking at the decisions we've made that weren't helpful

because we don't want to make them again. We avoid learning the lessons from them

when there's excellent data that you can get and evidence

that you can gain from seeing the bad stuff that you've done in the

past. And we're not talking about criminal behavior here. We're talking about these

subtle things to avoid and procrastinate. These

subtle decisions we make to not pursue our goals and to

pursue someone else's goals, to not focus on our

potential and our strengths. These subtle decisions to get

stuck in worry, in people pleasing, in being

dishonest with ourselves, in perfectionism.

So it's not that you

can't do it. It's that often we don't want to do it. I would suggest

that only about 10% of people I encounter are regular journalers

because it's painful and because it's a habit that takes time, not

nearly as much time as you think, but it does take some effort

and energy. It takes really healthy energy, but it does take

energy. Recently I asked a friend this question that I've learned through

this coaching program that I'm in called Strategic Coach. And Dan

Sullivan's been very inspiring to me. He calls it the R factor question.

And I believe everybody, good coaches, they ask a similar version of this

question in different formats. But I asked her if

to picture herself in three years because most people want to make progress

over the next three years. If you don't, I'd be highly

surprised you want to make progress. And I said, you know, if

I'm having a conversation with you, Stacy,

it's not her real name, but I'm going to make it up. I'm having a

conversation with you in three years. What

decisions would you have made

personally and professionally? If I'm having that conversation with you and you're

very happy with your progress, with your progress, not someone else's

progress, not the business's progress, not your husband's progress, but if you're

really happy with your progress, what decisions would you have made over those three years?

And her answer was, I don't think about the future like that.

It was an avoidance escape, basically. And then she thought about it

and thought about it. And actually this friend, she journaled about it and

gave me this one page summary after she had thought about it for a while.

If you can't go down that path, it's pretty hard for you to grow if

you can't think that it could be better in the future. And

what I find is that people who won't go down that path, they have this

needs mentality, you know, rather than a wants mentality. They haven't

given Themselves permission to want something great, to want

something big. I mean, people generally, I find,

enjoy desiring something bigger and better in their future. So if

they had this dream of having a lake house at some point

where they can journal and have their friends and hang out and do fun

water sports, well, if they're not thinking about it right now,

I would guarantee you that just planning it and

getting some kind of idea in your mind of what it could be is going

to be a healthy action for you in this.

Let's go out and think about the damage that we've done to ourselves.

Why do we do damage to our own lives? Because

we are stuck in

this we're not good enough mentality. I would say it's shame. Shame

leads to self sabotage. Shame leads to just

continually telling ourselves I could be better. I, I'm going to mess up.

I don't know if I can do it, I can't do it, I can't, I

won't try. And why do we do that? Because success is scary.

Because we haven't been there before. It's new. Change is scary.

The good and the bad change. But you have an opportunity to learn

from what you've done in the past and say I'm going to change that now

because those habits are not serving me well.

A really fun activity if you

want to engage this. I wouldn't say it's fun after you do it, but if

you look at a bad habit that you actually have, like let's say just procrastination

for example, or let's say you use nicotine like I've had a struggle with

and you go ahead and do a Google search and you say

what's the damage of procrastination? Or what

is the damage on my health of nicotine? And you honestly read that

article. If you, if you don't really want, if you, if

you don't really want to grow, then you're not going to be willing to go

ahead and look and count the cost. But if you want to grow, you'll read

through that, you'll get some data and it's going to start to give you clarity

that's going to shift. So here's the second

big decision. That if you want a better future, you

got two futures ahead and you want to take the path that's the much better

path. Get very clear about

your good times ahead, this very good vision.

So dream about the business you want to have in 10 years.

Dream about the health that you want to have in 10 years. Dream about

the marriage you want to have in 10 years, dream and put it

on paper about the fun

that you want to have in the next 10 years and the habits that you

would build to actually get there and what decisions you would make to get there.

So I recently

interviewed a guest on the podcast and it was the last episode that was launched

recently. And so it's a guy who owns a dental practice.

And I've seen how in his effort

to create the practice of his dreams, that

it's been super exciting and energizing. And what

I've noticed is that for Stacy, he's fought this

past vision decision thing, which is pulling him in a negative

direction and replacing that with this good, powerful,

energizing vision in the future. And I was

very proud of him for being a guest because I know it was terrifying for

him because he couldn't picture himself actually speaking in front of

people. Some people have a big fear with public speaking. I know I definitely did

for years and years, but I could only tell, and I can only imagine

that he was able to step in and

speak about the culture he's built because he saw a vision for himself

becoming a better public speaker. Really amazing.

I recently had a client who, after some challenges in

a relationship, he decided, well, actually

his wife decided that they were going to explore this vision of building a house

together and creating this future together

when they had been living in some ways not

dreaming together, not planning this future together. And

this one step of faith to say, hey, hey,

let's make the next 30 years of our life better than the last

was energizing and is energizing. And I'm seeing how that's

transforming their relationship and transforming their mental

focus on a regular basis. So if you get excited,

you start to see the good stuff that is available for you

in the future. And if you want to really work on this, one of the

challenges I give to clients at the beginning of coaching is to think about the

seven opportunities they have over the next five years

and to write those things down. And those opportunities are relationships

growing in relationships, those opportunities are going to be

purpose impacting other people's lives

through your unique calling and your unique purpose.

Those seven opportunities are going to relate to fun

and health and new experiences.

The seven opportunities are going to get you energized, but you

write them down and you start engaging them on a regular basis. So if

you found this podcast helpful today, I would challenge you

to check out Shatterproof Yourself Light. This is a free

mini course on seven small steps to build your confidence.

You Have a worksheet and a video. You go through that, you write down your

answers, which of course, I'm going to challenge you to do. And you're going to

find in each step, you have an action to commit

to. You do that, it's gonna have a huge impact on your life. So here's

the third decision, big decision.

And it's also the most. The one

where you get the most change. Cause you're gonna see results right away when you

do this. And that decision is to. Is

to act on this good future. So you have create. You've

decided to create a picture of what your future's gonna look like if

you keep falling into these bad habits and idiosyncrasies and

things that are holding you back. You decided to create a future that

is built on these new good decisions,

these new good habits that you know are right there for you to

grasp and to take. And now you're going to decide

to determine and get clarity on the actions that you

will take that will lead you towards this better future.

I heard a quote recently at a workshop,

and it was, I hear and I forget. I see and

I remember. I do and I understand. That's

Confucius, who is a Chinese philosopher 500

years before Christ and still has

influential sayings that people say

frequently. And there's one that I don't think was from Confucius that I say that's

kind of funny, and I'm not going to say it right now, but

it's important to take action.

I see a lot of people around me in the coaching community who

do mindset coaching, and I do mindset coaching. I

believe in changing your mindset. I think it's an essential thing for us

to get clarity and recognize it and then take action to replace it.

There is something that is missing, and

this is what I saw as I was doing coaching for a decade. There was

a big part of this process of change that was missing. And

I. I believe as I look back, I did a disservice to my

clients by not helping them. Was this one aspect. And that

aspect is that you must do something in the

face of your fear to replace that mindset or it will not stick.

So if you are just telling yourself that, you know, I'm good enough

or I add value and

I believe in myself, and these are all great mindset shifts to make

and good things to tell yourself based on facts and evidence, which I believe there

will be if you're listening to this podcast that you are good enough that you

have ways that you add value because you want to get better at it or

you wouldn't be listening to this episode. But here's the thing is if you are

not holding yourself first and foremost accountable to taking action

to prove to yourself that you can reach out

to people and talk confidently and help people, then you're never going

to get that shift that you believe that you can do this long term. Because

the confidence only comes after you take action. It does not come before.

You're not going to feel it before you take the action, but you do it

anyway and you realize that your competency is growing in the process.

So the coaches that I have had, and I've had a lot because

since I started decide your legacy in 2012, I've been

committed through that process to having a coach. And why?

Because I can't see my life clearly. I need a neutral perspective

outside asking me the hard questions and holding me accountable

so that I'm following up and doing the stuff that I'm being challenged to do.

And I put my money and I invest my money in that because I see

it as a very worthwhile, in fact, incredibly

worthwhile endeavor. I would say that through the coaches that I have had

and have now that I've had tenfold return

on my investment, the one thing that coaches do to me,

well, besides just helping me asking the questions,

the most important thing they do is they hold me accountable. They asked me if

I followed through on whatever that commitment is that I made. And

you can do the same for yourself. You can hire a coach, I mean, which

is something I would recommend. Hire a good coach. And a great question to ask

them if you're hiring a coach is, so what coaching have you gotten

yourself and how has that impacted your life? And you'll see the

coaches that I feel are the best coaches, they're always investing

into their own coaching process by getting accountability

and gaining insight into themselves. And

I had another good friend

recently say to me that he wanted to become

a therapist. So he's been an engineer for a number of years, a

chemical engineer. And he has had this desire to have a bigger. Not

that that's not having a big impact because I feel like you can have an

impact in all professions

outside of drug dealing and prostitution. And, you know, there

are professions that are not going to have a positive impact, but

there are. He's having an impact. He didn't feel like he's having the kind of

impact that he was gifted to have. And I would agree because I've known him

A long time. And so he wants to start this process at age

51 to become a therapist. All

right, so good stuff. And in the

conversations that I've had with him, I see him engaging

this bad future and this good future. At the same time, I see him

shifting. So he did some research into counseling, counseling programs in the

process. And I could see him telling himself and even telling me,

the acceptance rate is so low and I don't have the prerequisite

classes, I'm gonna have to go back and get those before I can even apply.

And the licensure process is so difficult and I've made

so many mistakes, how can I help somebody else? So I see this future coming

out. He has a clear future, but it's not a really good one and it's

not a truth based future as well. And then I see him

talk to me and some programs and then he gets some hope. Like

the demand for therapists is high, especially for men. And

it's. It's high in general. I mean, since COVID I believe it's probably gotten

higher as well. So I see him telling himself the

truth and telling himself lies. It's just, what is he going to pay the most

attention to in the process? And

at times he's paying attention to the truth at Simon. At times it's the lies.

But then what actions is he willing to take based on the truth? So any.

If you want to let go of your past because you know it impacts you

greatly, well, you have to be able to tell yourself. You have to be able

to ask yourself and answer honestly, what am I telling myself

that harms me? And you have to be able to ask yourself,

the question is, where did I learn that about myself? What experiences

did I go through that told me that I wasn't good enough, or I couldn't

become a therapist, or I couldn't have the success I want in my life? I.

And then the final part is this decision that you're making right now, you're

choosing to take action. You're saying to yourself, what actions

will I take that are

contradictory to the bad things that I keep telling myself

about myself? And it's all a matter

of the energy we're putting into each the good future or

the bad future. So I was talking to some clients again last Monday,

two guys that own a business together. And for some

reason the conversation entered into the realm of jealousy versus

envy. And so it's something that I've thought of and I

don't know that most people are really clear on this. But to.

To me, I don't see jealousy and envy. I see

jealousy as a good thing. I see envy as a bad thing.

So, and here's what I mean. It's all in the scope of our attention.

If I'm jealous about something and I'm able to say,

that is really something I wish I had. I wish

I had that great marriage, or I wish I had that shit. I wish I

was in that kind of health at 52, or I wish I had a business

that was running so smoothly, or I wish I had the opportunities

they have financially because of the condition they're in

versus the one that I'm in. All of that can be used as motivation and

fuel for you to say, like, I want to make

changes in my life because those changes are going to have a big impact on

my future and the impact I can have. Envy is where

you're going to the extreme saying, those things

that they have, I want. And I don't want them to have them as well,

because I don't believe I can actually have them. And I don't want

other people to have things that I don't actually have. So you're basically

cursing them. You're looking at their life and saying that I can't have that, but

I don't want them to have it as well. They're very much confused in

our culture, at least in the language people use, because they'll look at jealousy as

being negative and envy as being negative as well. They're both the

same in many people's mindset, I believe. But I want you to

shift it here so you make the decision to take action towards

this better future and do it out of jealousy, like, because you believe it

can actually happen and you're jealous of where they are now, but you're going to

get there because you're going to make decisions to actually get you there. So the

action to take to work on this is to specifically write down what

actions you would take if you didn't believe these lies about yourself and you were

willing to take the steps out into the next phase of your life. Just like

my first client that I shared, she wrote down some actions that she would

take had she. If she believes and she knows she can

take to get to that better future in three years to where she's

sitting there talking to me and saying, I am super proud of my progress. So

what are those for? You write those down. So

in review, you can do three things,

three decisions to have a better future. First one is to focus on

the bad times ahead, if you don't change, that's

good. You know, if you keep doing what you're doing, what is it going to

look like? Are you going to damage your health? Are you going to lose your

marriage? Are you going to lose your business? Because you know

that it's only going to exponentially grow. Bad habits exponentially

grow, and so do good habits. And that's partially why they're hard to change. Because

the change doesn't happen immediately, it happens gradually.

Number two decision is, what are the good times ahead?

What are the opportunities? And get real clear on that. And it's what you

want, not what you need. See, need often

for people psychologically is driven. It's kind of a fear centered

mentality. I need this in order to have whatever it is that I

want. You know, it's like I need it. It's a compulsion, It's

a sense of urgency. So watch your language. What do

you want is centered in hope, centered in potential?

It's centered in I can do something to change my

life. So the third decision you make is you

act. You act on these good times ahead, on this opportunity

ahead. So I had the chance to get to know

somebody last week. She's the mayor of our city and I live in the Midwest

here in Wichita, Kansas, the biggest city in the

Midwest. And her name is, is Lily Wu. She's

been, I believe she has been mayor for a year now. And

she was a news anchor in Wichita before she

decided to run for mayor. Pretty inspiring story. And she told it so

her family immigrated from China, Communist China. And then she lived

in South America, Guatemala, I believe, for 10 years. And she

was then eventually moved to the United States.

But she shared one thing that really stuck with me and it was that when

she decided to run for mayor, she was in a position where she

couldn't. And I don't know whether it was her employer or whether it was her

willing decision, but I get the hint that it was the employer, that she couldn't

run for mayor and be the news anchor at the same time. And she

decided to live off of her savings for a period of time because she

had this vision for becoming mayor and the good that she could actually do in

that role. She only would have done it had she gone through

this process where she counted the cost, where she

painted a picture of the bright future ahead and where she was willing to take

action. That first step of quitting her job and saying,

I'm all in, that's the first step she took to becoming

mayor because it had to have been very scary

at that point, but also very, very inspiring, not only to

me, but to other people who listened. Good

futures overpower the bad future. So ask

yourself one honest question. If nothing changes, where does

that road take you? You don't need to fix everything

today, but you do need clarity. And that

clarity is going to take bravery. It's going to take slowing

down enough to see the direction you're heading in and the direction

you want to head in. And if you're ready to stop drifting and you're ready

to start directing your life and designing your life, I would

love to help. So we take our clients through a process called the Legacy

Journey Coaching Process. It's for teams and leaders

to go through and it will help you get clear and take ownership

and build a future that you're proud of one intentional

decision at a time. So you can learn more by hitting the link and checking

out Decide youe Legacy. You're already writing your story.

You choose the ending. So

that's what I have for you today. What have you gained and what actions

are you going to commit to taking? Take an action by the end of the

day today. And if you really want it to stick,

teach it to somebody else right after you've taken that first action based on

what you learned. 80% of transformational

change is action. 20% is insight. You

gain insight today. Now it's time to take action. If you found

this podcast helpful, like and subscribe wherever you get podcast content

and share it with a friend. That would help us

grow and helps it reach more people organically.

The word decide. It means that you are eliminating other

options. And the word legacy is.

It defines that. It's the impact that your life has on other

people. There's no positive change until you decide to change

and your legacy depends on it. I'm going to close the way

I always do. Make it your mission to live the life today that you want

to be remembered for. Ten years after you're gone. You decide your

legacy. Nobody else. I appreciate you greatly and

I'll see you next time.