As a leadership coach, we hear

lots of excuses and negativity and tendencies to

rationalize and minimize and justify behavior. And our

job is to help, not enable. So what

does that mean? That means that we are in positions at

Decide Your Legacy of asking questions that

trigger people and make them

feel uncomfortable. The question can be hard. The

question leads to people clarifying

things in their life. So there's no more ambiguity, which is actually what's creating their

anxiety, but it does lead to resistance. I hear from clients

a lot negativity about

employees, negativity about family members, negativity

about other people's decision making. And

they will say things like, I'm always walking on eggshells. I'm always,

you know, I don't know what to do. It's going to go bad. And

frustration. When I hear all of that, there's this general

theme is, well, what actions can you take that are enabling?

And what actions can you take that are actually helping? Enabling is

harming. And enabling is actually making it about you. When you

enable, you're making it about your own level of comfort. And you may say things

like, well, it's going to make them— they're going to leave, they're going to they're

going to quit, you know, they're going to get— their life's going to unravel or

whatever. But really, it's about your level of discomfort. That's a hard thing to hear

because we don't want to feel like we're selfish. We don't want to feel like

we're focused on what we— our own comfort. But the truth

is, is if we step back and are honest with ourselves, then we're going

to see some things that we're not going to like to see. And that leads

to being empowered to change some things that we know we want to change if

we're going to leave and live the legacy that we want. So Common

examples of enabling is, you know, we have an underperforming employee,

we have somebody on our team that we don't actually confront

because of whatever walls they've put up and how whatever conditions they've

established, we're not honest with them. We have kids, you know, who instead of

actually challenging their behavior, we just go ahead and give them money, or we

go down the path of least resistance because that's what helps us to

feel comfortable. We have friends who are making destructive decisions in our

assessment, and we're not actually even talking to him about it. We're just avoiding it

and acting like it doesn't even exist. Well, the people you respect long-term

are going to be the people that don't enable you, and the people that

respect you are going to be the people that have looked at you and can

say, like, he encouraged me, he showed up, he had my back, he fought

with me, he was somebody who stood up for me and stood up to me.

Those are the people we end up respecting historically. Those are the people that are

brave., and we can be one of those

people. So today we're going to not make

excuses any longer, and we're going to actually address in

our relationships, so where are we enabling and where are we

actually helping, and what changes can we actually

make which will transform not only your people you love and the people who work

for you and people you care about. And I say good owners, they do love

their employees. They want the best for their employees. They want the best for their

team. They're willing to address it. Like if there's something that's not working, they're

not just sitting back and saying like, hey, uh, we can keep it the way

that it is. No, they're saying, dude, we got to make some changes here. It's

not okay. And it's not about me. It's actually

about helping other people. If you want to grow your business, if you want to

grow your team, I mean, if you have that orientation, you want to grow your

family, you got to step back and be honest with yourself and say like,

how can I make changes that are going to help them? It's not about me.

Self-preservation can destroy your life. So are you helping or are you harming?

3 decisions that matter as a

leader. That's what we're talking about today, and you're going to have some practical action

steps. You're going to have this content in a simple way where you can share

it with your 6-year-old. That's my goal, at least. These concepts and your team

and your friends and your family. So welcome to the Decide Your Legacy podcast. I'm

your host, Adam Gragg, and I'm a coach. I'm

a family therapist, been a family therapist for 27 years.

I founded Decide Your Legacy in 2012, and what we do is

we help leaders and their teams face the issues that they're

avoiding so they can take positive actions and make progress

that sticks, make changes that sticks. No Band-Aids, No

quick fixes. And from my point of view, everybody's a leader. So

this content relates to everybody. Your 6-year-old at school is

a leader. If they're willing to go first, they're a leader. I'm gonna

share some stories from clients and personal experiences today. Some

stuff that's really stuck with me recently because I'm challenging myself to look

at my own role as a father and as a

friend, as a leader. And am I enabling? Or am I actually

helping? So when you leave this podcast, when you're done with this podcast today, you're

going to be empowered to stand, to stand up

to people because it's going to help them, to stand up to yourself first and

foremost, to hold yourself accountable and to see how much strength that you

have to actually make the hard decisions that help. Because if you're

a parent, if you're a boss, if you're a friend, you're going to struggle

at times with knowing whether you're enabling somebody or you're actually helping them. So

the first decision to make is if you want to stop being

an enabler and you want to start being a helper is to just become aware,

to check your motives, to be able to step back from your life and say,

am I doing this out of my own self-preservation? Or am I doing this because

I care about them? People will say all kinds of things. And what

you're minimizing and rationalizing and justifying is often an indication of something

you're not facing relationally. And you can act like you're nice, you

can act like you care, you can act like you have their best interest at

heart.? But are your decisions reflecting that? Because are you willing

to have the conversations to say, this is not the path I would encourage you

to take? I mean, I'm not saying you say it that point blankly, but are

you asking them the questions to get them thinking about the stuff where they can

make some changes? Are your decisions modeling for

them courage? Because as a parent, it's crucial

that you're modeling courage to your kids because they're taking those cues from

you. Are you playing it safe? Are you looking for comfort? Are you hiding

out in addiction? Are you hiding out behind something

as your identity rather than being who God has called you to be? Well, those

are things where you're checking your own motives. Being self-aware is

a courageous act. How do we know if we're enabling, and what's the

difference between that and actually helping? Well, if you're making

it about yourself and your own comfort, you're enabling. If your head is spinning

and you're anxious and you're not doing anything there's a very good chance you're

enabling by passivity. And that's telling you that

there's something you want to face and need to face. Are you feeling as if

you're walking on eggshells all the time? And I hate to say it to you

though, but if you're walking on eggshells, that

is because you're— that, that, that

is something only you can own. Because some— you cannot walk

on eggshells around people. That's being— that's paying attention to how other

people feel. Much more than how you feel, and your own reaction to

them is based on how they will respond to you rather than being yourself. So

it's a reflection of your lack of self-comfort being yourself

around them. If you go into a room and you're really highly attuned to how

they're going to respond to you, and that's the eggshells you're walking on, well, that's

a reflection of you, and you can change that. You can learn to be more

comfortable in your own skin and learn to be more brave and learn to go

ahead and say what you're going to say. Because if you're not behaving a certain

way because everyone's pushed back on, pushed pushed back on you and said, well, you're

this and you're that, and you're orienting your behavior towards

them. Well, there may be some reality to that, that your behavior is abrasive, your

behavior is overdoing something, your behavior is even aggressive.

And take that wisdom and adjust, but don't change who you

are based on them saying things where they were all or nothing and they were

going to the extreme in how they were presenting your behavior. Take

out what is true and leave the rest. And then you won't walk

on eggshells long term because that's going to wear you out. So if

you're justifying what you're doing, it's a very good chance you're enabling. Because why do

we have to justify behavior? We have to justify because we have some sense of

shame to it. We have to justify and rationalize and minimize because we

see that there's something about it that's true that we're not

actually facing. You won't believe you can do it. It does take bravery if

you're running in your interactions, then you're probably doing things that are enabling. You're

not actually facing things that can have a huge impact on their life. So how

do we know if we're actually helping? Well, we're helping when we're making it about

their future, their best interests. We're looking at their life and saying, how can I

orient my life and my interactions to make their life the best life possible

if they decide to take those actions? So when you give somebody money and

they're not actually taking any new action, that can be enabling. If

you're not having the hard conversations. If you're facing the

hard conversations, you're probably doing something that's going to help

them. If you're getting to know them and their situation and asking

questions, you're helping. If you're praying for them, if

you're engaging them, if you're making them a part of your

daily focus, and you're looking at their life and trying to create a picture of

how good their life can be, well, you're going to be orienting yourself in a

different way because you see their potential. That's going to

be helping. So I can give you lots of examples personally, but I'll give you

a recent one. So my daughter goes to school in Boston, big

city. And it's a big city where not everybody's going to have a car. There's

very good public transportation, at least from where she is in the

city. And she wants to have a car. She's going to be a sophomore. And

I don't know whether it's a good decision or a bad decision. But I've, I

could just say like, yeah, I'll buy you a car, we'll buy you a car,

and I'll pay for the insurance. And we'll just go ahead from there. Because I

sense a lot of resistance. She's not really wanting to have this conversation. She's avoided

it for a month now with me. And I sent her a request. I

said, well, Emerson, hey, send me the pros and cons of having a car. And

let's have a conversation. And her response to

this interaction has basically been like, other people have cars, it's going

to allow me to do this and this and this. There's good deals on

cars in Boston right now that are used. It's not really looking at the issue

from all the different angles. But I'm going to not enable her by just

giving her money and actually have a conversation. And make a decision and actually

hold her accountable to being responsible for this. So I

am resisted often as a dad, because I remember our interactions, and

I hold her accountable to those interactions. And I have to hope and pray

that one day— she's 19 now, just turned 19— that she's going to see

that my motive is her long-term best interests. I don't

want to make her comfortable in the short term for the sake of

my comfort. I want to help have the interactions that are going to in the

long term help her to be and have the best and the most successful

future possible, to put it onto her in these decisions. So how are you

doing with your— with— how are you doing similar things? I'm not— I'm not enabling

her, by the way. I mean, I feel at times, because I get so much

resistance, it's like, gosh, this sucks, man. This really sucks. But that

tells me that I'm willing to walk on— I'm willing not to walk on eggshells

and just have the conversation. And there was a heated conversation yesterday. And I know

it could easily be portrayed as something that's negative.. But I

feel at peace about it. Although I didn't feel great about it, I feel after

processing it, I feel at peace about it by holding

my daughter accountable. And I love her and I want time, as

much, you know, positive future with her. But I know that

it's hard now, easy later. That's a great way of looking at

enabling versus helping. Easy now, hard later, you know.

And, and I look at clients at times, and I've done this long enough with

really successful people to see the consequences of not

doing hard now in their life. I've seen the consequences again and

again of self-preservation and of self-protection and of going down the easy path.

I see the consequences to marriages. I see the consequences

to people's health. You know, prioritize what's important. It's hard now to take care

of your health emotionally, physically, mentally. It's hard now, but

it's easy later because you have that health. So are we enabling ourselves?

That's even another question to ask. Are we enabling ourselves? So you want to work

on this? Well, here's what you can do. If you have a tendency to walk

on eggshells around somebody, that's going to be an indication of ways that you are

potentially enabling them. So put their name on the top or the situation on the

top of a piece of paper, draw a line down the center. On the

left-hand side, write harming. On the right-hand side, write helping. And then write

down whatever comes to mind and then talk to a monkey about it. That's going

to help you to become a better parent, a better boss, a better leader.

A better person in general right there, you know, like,

so enabling versus harming. So second decision you can

make that people do make if they stop harming and they start

helping is, is they risk having boundaries, man. I mean, they just risk

living a life that's going to encourage and challenge people and being honest with people

and saying like, hey, I see some inconsistency here, or here's the challenge

with this. They're risking having the hard conversation for

that person's benefit And they're doing it in a calm way, in

a loving way. And they're starting the conversation in a compassionate way, but they're

risking having the conversation. Those boundaries that you

maintain first with yourself by showing up for yourself, and then

with them calmly, is going to put them in a situation where they have the

best chance, based on the dynamics you have with them and your role in their

life, to have the successful future that you want them to have.

So you're establishing based on the decisions that you're making and saying, hey, this is

the direction I want to head in. How are you going to head

in this situation? This is what I want. Or you're even selling them and saying,

like, I think that's a decision that you can make. I trust that you'll make

the best decision there. Here's the decision that I want to make. And you're leaving

it with them. You're not giving a raise just because you're afraid to lose an

employee. You're giving them a raise because their merit is worthy of that

raise. You're not giving somebody money so they can go ahead

and buy alcohol. You're giving them money

based on the behaviors that they're making and they're incorporating into their

life. I mean, there, there's decisions you will make every single day that are enabling

or harming. It's like a

non-ending, never-ending growth opportunity

for you. So what can you do? Well, I mean, if you're

gonna look and follow step 1, like the decision you're making is saying that, hey,

I'm checking my motives in these relationships

as a boss, as a contractor, I mean, as somebody that you're holding accountable in

your life. I'm checking my motives. Is my motive truly just to stay safe? And

you're being honest with yourself, and then you're risking having some boundaries with those

who you are enabling. First of all, trying to get some clarity, 'cause

again, if you're afraid there's a very good chance you haven't done enough planning. So

go ahead and do what I've asked you to do and say, draw

that, make that, get that piece of paper out, just determine whether you're enabling

or actually harming, and then do something that's actually helping. And that's going to be

having some boundaries. So have some boundaries, and you incorporate some boundaries in your

life with these people, because you want to help them. And you're

having that hard conversation, you're sending that hard email,

you're addressing some concern that you have that they haven't followed through, and you're asking

them about it. You're not criticizing them. You're not— you're just holding them accountable. You're

saying like, how has it gone in that area? That's one of the greatest things

that employers, that really great leaders do, is they have

ways, and oftentimes they're leading indicators, that they're holding their team accountable

to. And their team, over time, if you're always reminding your team of, you know,

what are these metrics you're measuring, well, there's some accountability that's lacking there as

well. And you have to be able to say like, I want you on your

own initiative to monitor these metrics. And follow through for the team

and for yourself. I don't want to have to ask this question. I want you

to know every week that these are what you're measuring. This is how we're moving

the needle. And you're having that conversation in a kind way. So the action you

can take to work on this risk, having boundaries,

risk setting boundaries, is follow through for yourself first of all. Because

are you having boundaries with yourself? Are you showing up? Are you doing what you

said you're going to do? I mean, if you're committed to working out or going

to bed at a certain time, are you following through on that? I mean, that's

going to come out in your leadership because you're not following through

with yourself. Not perfectly, but at a very high level because you don't want

to let yourself down. And are you holding them

accountable to certain metrics, to certain performance things, to getting you the information they said

they're going to get to you, to following through on that deadline and asking them,

you know, what happened? Not in a critical way, but in

an inspiring way, knowing that long term, you're going to be helping them. So if

you found this helpful, check out Shatterproof Yourself Lite. These are 7

small steps you can take to hold yourself accountable that are gonna

give you more confidence long-term. You're not gonna wanna miss that. It's something

you can go through on your own, content that'll change your life. So

the third decision, and I find that this is the one that kind of motivates

and draws you into all the other ones, it's to let go of the outcome.

So knowing that you're gonna have these difficult accountability

conversations, they may derail, but that's not because you did anything

wrong. It's because they are not making decisions to

hold themselves accountable. It's because you're actually helping them that they're gonna derail. And so

they could get depressed, they could quit their job, they could go ahead and

run from the situation, 'cause runners do that. They listen

to that negative voice that justifies and rationalizes and minimizes their behavior, and they

go ahead and listen to it, and they do that next thing. And there's consequences

to that. So there are consequences to

you being brave. There are consequences. Long-term, they're positive consequences. Short-term, they

may be very negative consequences. So you may lose an employee. You

may lose a short-term connection that's actually

superficial with a friend because they're pissed off at you now 'cause

you held them accountable. You could lose that with somebody that's doing work

for you. You could lose that with your parents

short-term. You know, I can, there have been a

number of different times where my mom would not talk to me for

a period of time in my life. And there's been a

number of different situations where she's hung up on me in interactions

and ran from those situations. And I used to go to myself and say, well,

what did I do wrong? And over time, I've realized, well, that's on her, even

if I was being mean and nasty, which in, in most of those situations, I

don't believe I was. In some of them, I probably was. But

that's not behavior that I have to own. Because

she did that. And I've had many talks with her, but I share that just

so you can know that you're going to deal with negative consequences

if you're somebody who's wanting to help people and not enable people any longer. And

then they have to own the fact that they reacted in a

way that was not helpful. And we're all human, and we can all do that,

because I've reacted in ways that have not been

helpful as well. So when you let go of the outcome, you're having faith that

doing the next right thing is going to lead long-term to the best outcome. Short

term, you're letting go of the results that you get. Short term, you're

letting go of being comfortable because it's going to be more— it's

going to be uncomfortable. Short term, you're going to have to realize you

got to let them fail, and they may fail, and you're hoping and praying

for them that it's not a destructive failure. Short term, you're

having faith in them. By not enabling them, you're showing them

that you believe that they can show up for themselves, that they can

make decisions for themselves, that they can have this bigger, better, brighter future.

You're believing and seeing based on hope that things can be so much better

for them. You're having faith that they have the courage inside of them, that

they have the strength inside of them, that they can make that next step. You

know, when I went through my divorce, I was very depressed. I was very

discouraged. And I remember my mom at times saying to me things

like, you know, only you can fix this. Only you can make

this better. I believe in you. I know you can do this. And only you

can actually make the decisions that are going to lead to that. But I know

you can do it. I've seen you do it. I've seen you do it, Adam.

My mom would say those kinds of things to me. So I share that just

to know that my mom has been one of the most encouraging people to me

in my life at times when I needed to hear hard things. She once told

me I needed to grow a pair, which is really funny from your mom,

who's a female, obviously. And I need to grow a pair, referencing to I need

to grow a pair of, you you know what. So, and I needed to hear

that at the time. It was shocking, you know. But my

dad's been encouraging too. I mean, I have people around me who have been people

that I have to not enable and who I can at times

enable, and people who can enable me and at times don't

enable me. It's where are we leaning, in which direction are

we leaning. So people can do so well when

they're believed in. And when they're put in positions by a coach and a mentor

and a parent where we believe in them more than they believe in themselves. So

I was recently reading about how these,

these really, really experienced military special ops pilots will be

in situations with other special ops pilots and they will let them

make all these mistakes again and again. Like, and let

me correct myself, these are pilots. I'm not sure if they're special ops pilots, but

really experienced pilots with new pilots, new combat pilots. And they would make them

let all these different mistakes, and then they would

correct their mistakes, maybe even getting out of a very dangerous situation because they had

made these mistakes in turbulence, flying as a pilot.

And then instead of criticizing them, they would get back in,

in the plane very soon and let them

fly again because they're trusting that they're gonna learn over time.

They're letting them fail. That's what a great coach does. That's what a

great parent does. That's what a great friend does. So in

review, you want to be aware, you want to risk having boundaries, and you want

to have faith in people, letting go of the outcome. So my

grandfather, I have a watch that he gave. Now, he never gave it to me

actually, but he died when I was 15, had a huge impact on

my life. But I have a watch that he received when he retired

from the Southern Pacific Railroad. Has a little train that goes

around the train tracks. It doesn't work. I want to get it fixed so it

does work, but It's a treasure of mine. It's a gold watch. And

he's been somebody that's inspired me because I don't believe he enabled me.

I believe he was one of the people in my life that would shoot straight

with me. And I would hear hard things from him because I even

remember back where he would challenge me to do things and to think about things

in a different way. And I had such a short period of time with him,

and such a short period of time to have such

a huge impact. Is pretty amazing to

me. Because like, I don't know if I can think of one person in my

life that had such an impact by his words

in my life that stick with me at such a high level, like things that

he said, pretty powerful. And I want you to be that kind of person in

the people's lives that you're around, that they're going to remember you like I

remember my grandfather. So what insight have you gained today? On

enabling versus helping? What actions are you going to commit to taking

on enabling versus helping? What you do today, right

away, is going to have the biggest impact. So make a commitment

to do something. Decide, act, and then repeat. So 80% of transformational

change is you taking action. Only 20% is insight, or less.

You've gained some insight today. The actions you take are going to determine the

impact that this, this content is going to have on your life. Take action and

follow me. I mean, check out the Decided Legacy Podcast, share it with your friends,

give it a rating and review wherever you get podcast content. It helps

it grow organically to help more people. I know you know people who

are enablers who you can share content with like this that's going to

change their life. So if you decide something, that means you're eliminating

other options. Your legacy is the impact that your life has

on other people, and that's what it's about. It's about impacting the world in

this unique way that you've been called to impact the world. So there's no positive

change until you decide to change. Your legacy depends on it. There's a lot

at stake on the decisions you make today. Short-term decisions,

easy now, hard later. I don't want it to be that way for

you. Hard later, hard decisions now, easy

later in your life. So I'm going to close the way

I always do. Make it your mission to live the life today that you want

to be remembered for 10 years after you're gone. You

decide your legacy, nobody else. I appreciate you greatly, and I'll

see you next time.