As a leader, you have to protect your business. You have to

protect it from clients, the wrong clients. You got

to protect it from the wrong hires. You got to protect it from the wrong

vendors. As a person, you have to

protect your heart, your friendships, dating

relationships romantically. I have

been single for over 8 years and I've been on a lot of dates

and some have gone well, some haven't gone so well. I'm going to share with

you today some things that I have learned in hiring people and in dating

that are really red flags you want to look out for and take very

seriously. And some that, you know, there are some things in

relationships that you want to overlook and give grace, but we're going to talk about

the stuff you really want to be aware of, really pay

attention to. And honestly, as I go through this content too, I mean, I

struggle in these areas. Like, there are some of these areas that are red flags,

I'm like, I gotta, I gotta be aware of that in

myself as well and correct it.. And there's

a difference between somebody who ignores character

issues and those who embrace them and want to change them.

And those are really big key factors to look for. So if

you see these behaviors in yourself, address

them. And if you address— if you see them in other people

that work for you, clients, address them. If they don't

change, you're going to have some problems down the road, especially if there's

multiple issues. If you're married and you see them in

your spouse, don't divorce them, but

address them. Do some stuff about it.

And it'll have a big impact if you do in the

success of your romantic relationships, professional

relationships, future romantic prospects. So I'm going to

call this today 3 red flags that you should never ignore

in

relationships. Welcome to the Decide Your Legacy podcast. I am your host,

Adam Gragg, and I am a coach and a family

therapist. I founded Decide Your Legacy in 2012, and we help leaders

and their teams face the core issues that they're avoiding so they can

take productive action and make progress. And from my point

of view, everybody is a leader. You have influence over your,

over your neighbors, your kids,. And as I talk about these

topics, it's going to give you some practical application. And

I like to think that you can talk to your 6-year-old child and they're going

to understand this content as well. Simple,

practical concepts. So let's go ahead and jump in. The first of

these red flags that you do not ever want to

ignore in relationships

is ownership. They don't take ownership. They blame

everybody else except themselves. Do they

take responsibility for their mistakes? People who never own

their part in problems will eventually make you

a major part of the problem

as well. Yesterday, I was talking to my friend Ben, and

I was feeling sad, partially because

my daughter Emerson left to go back to school. I was just feeling

sad about my life, and I told Ben, I said, I'm feeling

sad. And he said something that was wise. He said, well, make sure you talk

about it and you don't act out on it. Like, act out on it

by blaming somebody else. By— and I was wanting to blame somebody else. I was

wanting just to like say, like, you know, my life sucks and I want to

blame everybody else for why it's not going the way I want it to. But

just talking to Ben was helpful for me. It was me taking ownership of my

feelings in that moment, like, that I I can, I can be sad. It's okay

to be sad. I mean, it makes sense when your daughter leaves that you're sad.

So signs to watch for: they blame

their ex-spouse, they blame their

ex-boss, they— every job failure is someone else's

fault, every relationship problem is someone else's fault. They

justify bad behavior instead of reflecting on it, instead of looking at themselves

and saying, yeah, I just acted out on my own sadness. I

didn't actually own it. They get defensive when they're challenged. So you challenge them with

something and they're originally, initially always having an excuse. Like,

it's because of this, it's because of that. This is one of the most

predictive red flags because growth requires ownership. As

you pointed, like, it's, it's, as I pointed

out, like there's legitimate hurts, there's legitimate challenges we have,

but it's how we actually deal with it. So

here's where You can identify if somebody is going to take ownership because they say

things quickly like, I could have done better. And they

say things even though it's really hard. They get curious and say, hey,

tell me more about what I could have done better and what I could

have done differently. When someone

receives feedback and they become very defensive, that's

a problem. So they have an immediate explanation. They have a

justification for bad behavior. They turn the issue back on

you, which can happen very subtly, like, you're mean for even asking

the question. Wow. You know, like, what's wrong with you for even actually being

bothered by that? You must be insecure for even being bothered by that. You

must be somebody who's controlling for even being bothered by that. And

they can't take ownership of it. So it can be very subtle in how they

do it and how they— but really watch out. So right now, currently, I'm in

the process of hiring a new employee.

And so I'm watching out for this kind of stuff, you know, like, I'm watching

out for this in the people that I'm hiring. I'm watching. I had somebody

that I feel like was a really good candidate last week and was—

had to cancel the interview last minute, but had

a very good reason behind it. But their

approach to addressing it, I felt, was very sincere. It was ownership, like,

I messed up. I messed up, like no excuses. I messed up. So it

was like, okay, I like this guy. I like this person even

more now because they took ownership of

it. Now that is really a big deal. So

you can identify. And I would say, if you're going to

work on this though, look at yourself. Like that's what I've been doing as

I've been preparing for this podcast. How am I not taking ownership? So

I was, I was very careful and I even thought about coming in here

to the podcast studio today that there are times when I haven't taken ownership

of even being late or not being prepared or

not taking ownership of things with my team that

I could have taken ownership of. And so it's reminded me of how I have

to really tighten things up here as well. So the

second, number 2, big red flag that you want to be aware of is,

is words don't match actions. So their words

don't match action. So do they follow through? Do they say they're going to do

something and they actually do it? Because

people reveal themselves through patterns of behavior,

not through promises, not through what they say they're going to do. Like,

I have watched different patterns. There's been somebody that I've had an

interest in dating-wise, and it's

a newer relationship, so I've

been watching behaviors. And

there's something that, as I was looking at this podcast, there's a behavior that I

felt like was two of them that have been inconsistent that I want

to address. And one of them is when I ask about

a certain topic and the topic has to be,

has, has to do with, yeah, in their

life, making decisions about, about what they're going to

do. So, They're somebody who has big plans for their future. But if I

ask about those plans, how they've made decisions related to

those plans, they can ghost me on that topic. They can

actually sidestep it and talk about something else, which to me has given me some

pause. I had to even last week say, hey, did you see my last text

on this topic? And then they actually addressed it. But this has been

a pattern I've observed a number of different times. And that's what you want

to watch for in your employees. It's what you want to watch

for in people who are your clients? Do they consistently have

selective memory that they don't address the stuff that's most important in

their lives? That's a problem right there. And so, and not to

be that hard, but this, I had another

situation with the same person over Christmas, where I called them

when I was in town. And I

had, I had reached out and they didn't call me back for a long period

of time. It was like 4 days.. And I gave them a

lot of grace because I thought, well, they probably have a lot going on. And

personally, it's around the holidays and everything. But then I look back on it, I

think, but they do call back in these situations and they don't call back in

these other situations. So when it's inconvenient, they don't call back as

quickly. When it's convenient, they do call back. And now that's a pattern of

behavior that I'm looking at and saying, is this, is this a relationship character?

Is this a character defect that this person has? And I have to actually address

it and see how they respond to it. So those are things that you as

a leader, as you're hiring new people, if you have clients, you're going to look

for that kind of stuff and trust your gut on it because it can really

save you a ton of energy. Guard your heart. I mean, I'm talking about

a romantic situation, but guard your heart with your team. Guard your heart

as you make decisions because it's going to cost you down the road. So what

do you want to look for? Look for if they're going to— if their behavior

is not aligning, with their actions? Are they frequently

canceling or changing plans? Do they not return calls or do they

not respond to messages? Do they have big intentions

with little follow-through? Like they have these big goals, but talk is cheap. They're going

to start this business, they're going to get this job, they're going to make this

change in their life, they're going to sell this house, they're going to get new

friends, they're going to make these big changes, yet you don't actually see their

behavior aligning with it. Big problem, I would say. Address it. You got

to address it. Do they have excuses instead of

solutions? Consistent excuses rather than engaging solutions,

that's a problem. You're going to identify patterns of

responsiveness and reliability, and you're going to see these aren't just isolated events. Those are

the things you want to look for. If it's a one-off type situation, hey, we

all make mistakes, but we all make— are going to have problems in situations

where we don't follow through. But is it a pattern that you're going to see?

And this applies everywhere in your life, in dating,

Are they showing emotional instability? Are they— in friendships, are

they unreliable support? In employees, do they have

poor execution? In leadership, do they

break trust? Okay, some simple rules to

follow: if someone consistently does what they say, your trust

is going to grow. If they consistently don't, your

trust is going to die, and eventually you're going to have to move on.. But

really look out for it because it's going to be something that's

going to require hard conversations. And that's why this whole,

do their words match their actions? Well, are they avoiding? I mean, this is

a way to know that you have a good, healthy relationship because

they embrace hard conversations. Many people appear kind

and easygoing, but they avoid necessary conflict. So

watch out when you address things with them. Do they consistently change the

subject? Do they delay? Do they difficult discussions? Do they say everything's fine

when it clearly actually isn't? Do they have passive-aggressive

behavior? Look out for that big time. Are they passive-aggressive? Because

that's only going to magnify and get worse and worse over time. If they're

passive-aggressive when you're just getting to know them, let's say they're a contractor and

they're not following through and they're passive-aggressive, like distancing when they

don't like how you've responded. Well, that's a big problem. I would

say really consider running from that if that's the way they're reacting at that point

in the game. If they're a

new contractor. Healthy relationships require emotional courage. So if you found this podcast helpful,

I got a real challenge for you. You want to go ahead

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Lite. So number 3, all right, here's a big one. This is going to sound

harsh. Okay. But it's a big red flag. If you're going to hire

somebody, if you're going to engage in somebody, some relation

in a relationship romantically, if they cannot maintain healthy

relationships in their life. So, so do they

have long-term healthy relationships? If they're a vendor, do they have other people

they're servicing and they've maintained a relationship for a long period of time?

Do they have friends in their lives? Or do they seem to

jump from relationship to relationship? You know, in dating, I have

for some reason attracted and been attracted to avoidant

people. I told somebody recently, you know, the same gal that I told you that

I'm kind of checking out and seeing if they're reliable. I said

that, I said, I'm attracted to people who tend to have drama in their lives.

I'm attracted to people who tend to be unreliable. I'm, and

I think it's the chase and I think it's also the safety in the

relationship. And I don't want that 'cause I know it causes me

tons of stress long-term. But I want reliable people, and yet

why am I not

always pursuing reliable people? That's a challenge, and I have to really be able

to search my soul there. So do they have long-term healthy relationships?

One of the most important and underrated signals,

people who cannot sustain friendships often struggle

with conflict, with accountability, with loyalty, with

emotional maturity. They're not loyal. You don't want a relationship

with someone romantically who is not loyal.

Gives you some pause. It really does. You know, I mean, I've dated

people before. I've gone on first dates when they tell me

that they've actually revealed that they— some

real character things about themselves, about, you know, making excuses for

why they left their marriage. Okay. Making

excuses for why they've actually engaged in relationships before

their marriage was done? I mean, those are real, real things to be

careful of. Making excuses as to why they were

not loyal to their employer and sabotaged— I mean,

that's something I've heard of subtly in interviews, because I've gotten pretty good

at this interview process— of lacking loyalty to their previous employer. Are

they speaking negatively about the previous employer? I mean, those are real things you want

to pick up on. And it's going to show you why they

don't have long-term relationships as well. So you want to look

at this, watch for no long-term friendships. Do they avoid,

if you're in a dating relationship, meeting and introducing you to

their friends? Like, I will tell you, like, on a very

first date with somebody, I would, I would love for them to meet my friends.

I love for them to meet Ben and

Brent and, and Dave and Troy. I mean, anybody. Like, why not, dude? I

mean, why not? Like, call them up, FaceTime, whatever. Meet your friends. I

mean, because that really shows some,

some character stuff there. Like, you're not ashamed of these people who hold you accountable,

who make you better, and you're not ashamed of what you're

doing in that dating relationship to reveal it to your friends as well. You don't

have anything to hide. So watch out for

that. Everyone eventually will show their true colors. And so watch for that.

If, if they only— if they're only shallow

and only situational in their relationships, they only have friends who

are deal friends, business friends, and not real friends that they've had for a

long period of time— not a good thing. I'm not saying

that they can't make new friends right now, but think of it like

hiring. If someone can't keep a healthy friendship, how are they going to be someone

you're going to trust with a job? Over a long period of time. When

it gets hard, they're going to potentially run. And mental

toughness means that it's hard emotionally and you're still sticking

with it. I didn't want to come and do this podcast today. For one,

it's like really freaking cold outside. I mean, like, the real feel is

like 5 degrees maybe outside. It's really cold. Maybe I'm exaggerating,

but it was really cold. And

I also haven't been totally in the emotional ball of

energy right now, just dealing with some stuff in myself.

So, but the fact that I'm doing it and I started tells me

that I can show up for myself and other people and get it done. You

want to look for that in other people. Will they make excuses or will they

show up and get it done? So watch for— if you want to check

for whether or not they're a person who

has good, healthy relationships, constant phone checking. Are

they? You know, and I'll tell you what, like, I'm being a

little bit harsh, but the— as I think about this

relationship and this potential relationship right now, I will say

there's some really good character signs as well, because they

know how to stay engaged in a conversation, which is really

cool. And they know how to be open emotionally and share their own

weaknesses, which is really cool. And they, they know

how to actually ask and engage

in, show consideration for me, which is really cool. So there's a

lot more positives than negatives. I'm just sharing some things that give me

some sense of pause that you want to be aware of. Because I, like I

said before, I struggle with all these things as well. And I'm trying to

get my picker, like, working this out so that I can pick the

right relationships. And I think in this case, it may be a very good one.

I'm not trying to criticize this relationship. I'm just saying I'm trying to be aware

of some things that in the past I haven't always

been aware of. So are they somebody that has FOMO? Be aware of that.

Like, they're always afraid of missing out. And they're always afraid of

their image being preserved or not being preserved. Not

great. So a simple test across

business relationships, friendships, dating relationships, it often boils down to 3

questions. Do they take ownership? Do they follow

through? And do they sustain healthy

relationships? If someone scores poorly on all 3 and

consistently doesn't want to change once you address it, because I kind of sit

back here, I have a lot of stuff to address in this new

relationship to figure things out there. I really do have some things to address because

I need to figure out— it's been kind of a fun relationship, but we haven't

gotten deep enough. So I don't really know. Maybe it's my future wife. I don't

know. It could be. But I do know I have to have

more courageous conversations, and that's on me. In many ways, just

like it is in interviews sometimes. It's on me. Some of the failures I've had

in hiring people is on me for not asking the hard

conversations and not trusting myself enough to ask the hard conversations, being

afraid they're going to run, which I don't want to do that now. I want

to just be straight, get it all out there. Can they do the job? If

they can, they're going to be a great fit. Do they fit the culture? If

they can, if they can't, I don't want to have them on the team because

it's not going to be a place where they're going to be

happy as well. So one coaching insight that you might appreciate

here is, given these three frameworks, these three things to

question and look for, think about how you can actually

ask those types of questions in your leadership of

people you've already hired. And how can you get at their character, at the ownership

that they're willing to take and the follow-through they're willing to actually engage

that shows their integrity? And how can you actually get at their emotional maturity? Because

if you're not asking the hard questions, you're not even going to pick up on

how mature they are. If they get defensive, yet

you're not actually putting yourself in situations where they could get defensive because you

as a leader aren't confronting them on poor behavior, well,

that's really on you. Because those 3 traits

drive about 80% of relational

success. So what you do want to look for, those green flags, do

they take ownership quickly and say things like, that's on me. I handled it

poorly. I should have communicated better. That's a very good sign.

Do they actually follow through on the small stuff? So they're proactive in their

communication. They show up when they say they will. They respond and

follow through with timelines. There's a beginning, a middle, and an end to projects. And

they're not wearing you out emotionally because you don't know where they actually are on

the project. They're not giving updates. Those

are problems long-term right there. And number 3, Do

they act? Are they actively growing? That's

gonna show you that they're probably gonna grow in their relationships as

well. Are they getting coaching? Are they reading? Are

they following through? You want relationships in your life that are ELF

relationships. They're easy, lucrative, and fun. You wanna really be careful of

those hard relationships. They're half relationships. It stands for

hard, annoying, lame, and frustrating. I got that from Joe Polish. Really cool.

I didn't make those things, didn't create those things. So what insight

have you gained today? And what actions are you going

to commit to taking? 20% of change and

transformation is insight. You got that

today. 80% is action. If you're going to change, you're going to take some kind

of an action. We are in the business of long-term

change, not short-term quick fixes. To decide means that

you're eliminating other options. You're saying, I'm going to zone in on that. Right now.

You're going to decide to pursue somebody, pursue an employee, pursue

a relationship, pursue a project. Now, your legacy— the definition

of legacy is the impact your life has on other people. There's

no positive change until you decide to change. Your legacy

depends on it. I'm going to go ahead and close the way I always do.

Make it your mission to live the life today that you want to be remembered

for 10 years after you're gone. You decide your legacy, nobody

else. I appreciate you greatly. And I'll see you next time.