#45: How to be Happier

It's written right there in the Declaration of Independence: we have the right to pursue happiness. But what is it that will make us happy? We get down to the practical this week on how you can cultivate happiness in your own life.

Ep45_HowToBeHappy
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Adam Gragg: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Decide Your Legacy podcast. I'm your host, Adam Gragg, and if you haven't already done so, and you found this podcast helpful, please pull out your phone, take you 15 to 30 seconds. Give us a, like a rating and review on Apple or Spotify or wherever you get your podcast content. So I get questions frequently about how to be more happy in my life.

In fact, at the very beginning of any coaching session, usually the first or second session I ask them, what do they want? In fact, really right when I meet 'em what do they want? And peace, serenity, contentment, joy, getting more outta life. I work with a lot of people who are very financially, professionally successful yet.

They're unhappy. They're UNS. I call that Facebook happiness. You know, you look at people's Facebook profiles or you look at their posts over the summer, which I do that. I post things and I posted trips that I went on this summer and everything, but you only see the side that's showing the happy person, the fun family times, the good, enjoyable things.

And that comparison trap can absolutely make us miserable. In fact, we will. That's one. One of the main things that causes misery in our lives is comparing ourselves to other people. We don't have to do that. I, in 2016 was sitting on a beach in Maui Napili and I was absolutely miserable. I couldn't take in and enjoy the time I did it to get away.

I had just gone through a horrific situation in my life. I was trying to recover, but I was miserable. I was absolutely miserable. And I go, and I reference that is thinking, what is this about happiness that I was missing in that situation? I often get surprised by how I'm happy. It's not something I can control, but wow.

I feel great. I feel happy. And I'm gonna talk to you today about the actions that I truly believe as I do them consistently. And consistency is key with any of these tips, any of these happiness tips. If I do, 'em consistently, they make me happier, a happier person, a more productive person, someone with joy, someone that wants to get up in the morning.

As I do in every episode, I wanna share some risks that I've recently taken. So one thing I did is I went and took my daughter to visit the university of Colorado at Boulder last over there, the labor day weekend. And so I called a buddy, or actually I emailed a buddy who I had not seen in over 20 years who lives in Denver and asked him if we can get together.

His name is Jeff. and he was busy. So he had, was gonna be outta town and had other commitments and everything. So we did not, and we're not able to get together. I actually called a college buddy who I haven't seen in over 20 years either. Believe it or not, and asked him cuz he lives in Denver. If he could get together.

And he told me he was gonna be out town and he wasn't available as well. So, and that his name is. Both of those situations were risks. They didn't turn out the way I wanted them to, but I actually felt energized afterwards because I did it. I reached out and it started some dialogue and it started some opportunities to connect in the future, which I'm gonna probably hopefully be doing some business in Colorado in the next few months and potentially do some business.

I mean, be skiing in the next, well, five months in Colorado and hopefully we'll hook up then. And it was a. Risk to actually take. So another thing I did is that I tried something new. I've gotten a lot of feedback when I do trainings that when I bring somebody up with some volunteers to come up front in front of the audience and actually walk through the tools, the coaching tools that I give clients.

And so they can see in action with a real issue, that those are the parts of the trainings that people love the most. And so I had a speaking event, actually, two speaking events over the. 10 days. And I decided that I was gonna take a risk and do more of that. And in one situation, I feel like it went on a skill one to 10, probably a six.

I think it was a really helpful training for people and the feedback was good, but I was working at this skill of having people upfront while we go through an issue like I'm in a session behind closed doors in front of people and in. Second time I did it, which was yesterday. It actually went a lot smoother and it was really positive.

And again, in both of those situations, those were the parts of the trainings of the workshops that people appreciated and loved the most, cuz that's where they could really see it in action. And so I took a risk, tried something new. If you don't know I'm Adam Gragg, I'm a [00:05:00] legacy coach. I'm a speaker, obviously a podcaster mental health professional for almost 25 years.

I started in 98 actually. And my life purpose is helping people and organizations find transformational, clarity, that kind of clarity that propels them for, to face their biggest fears and to live and leave their chosen legacy. To live without regrets, not to live the life, someone else wants for them, but to live the life that they want.

I also talk about stuff that you could describe to your six year old child and they can grasp the concept. So the last episode was on some secret communication skills. Last podcast episode, I talked about not giving away your power. You could talk to your six year old about that. So. They're really frustrated about another kid in school or about some kind of thing in class with a test or whatever you can explain to them that when they get all riled up about it, they're actually giving away their ability to take action and being consumed by something they're giving away their power or another person or situation.

I also discuss topics that I struggle with myself. I'm a fellow traveler with you. I do these podcasts, not only for you, but for myself. I listen to them for myself. They remind me of what I need to do. I struggle with happiness. Not something that I have all figured out. So really important topic. Why is it important to work on your happiness?

Well, because you're gonna be more productive. It's costly to stay miserable. I often ask clients the question, you know, what does it cost you to continue thinking this way? Or what does it cost you? To not change or what does it cost you to stay miserable? And then they'll rattle some things off. And generally the cost is pretty great.

And statistically, and these are all pre COVID statistics from the national Institute of mental health pre COVID 2018. So I. As we look at new data, they're significantly worse now than these I'm presenting to you right now. But nearly 20% of U.S. Adults struggle with a mental illness each year annually, nearly 20%.

So one fifth of every adult in the U.S., 20% of us adults with a mental illness also have a substance abuse disorder. So they're abusing prescription drugs, abusing illegal drugs, something, some kind of substance they're abusing alcohol. could. A variety of things there. Suicide is a 10th leading it's actually the ninth or 10th leading cause of death.

I think we're kind of waiting on those statistics in the U.S. Currently overall suicide rates in the us have increased by 31% since 2001 since 2001. Man, you know, that's, to me, it's not a long time, not that long ago. So in over 40, only 40% of those with a mental, a mental struggle, mental illness actually gets some kind of help.

And you know, for me, I generally always have a coach or a counselor. If you look at my life over the last 10 years, I've had more times than not when I've had a paid hired coach or a paid hired mental health professional that I'm visiting with. And cuz I believe in this stuff. It helps me to get that neutral third party perspective, but less than half, actually I get help for things.

I mean, I struggle with anxiety. I struggle with, at times I've had some depression at times I've had some trauma and still do have some trauma from my past that I work through. If you found this podcast helpful and you want some help and you wanna figure out what are some tools that I can do. Some things I can do to change and improve my mental health and improve my happiness, some basic things.

I want you to subscribe to the link, shatterproof yourself. It's a mental health stress checklist. There's 27 items. You won't wanna miss that. You're gonna get 50 life. You're gonna get 50 excellent relationship building questions and some of my favorite life balance tips in an ebook form as well. So let's go ahead and jump right into the content.

Some of this, some of these six happiness tricks are gonna surprise you. One of my best friends. He lived in the Congo and the Democratic Republic of the Congo for 14 years as a pilot. And we would Skype. Yeah, we would actually Skype 14 years ago when he moved there. it wasn't extremely reliable, but he would tell me at times that he felt like the people over there were happier than those in the us.

And I would listen to him and kind of ask him why. And he would say, well, they don't worry about things. And he'd say things like they have fun and they spend time with their families and, you know, I don't know exactly if it's really true, but I would believe there's a lot of accuracy to what he was saying.

If we can work on our happiness, we can basically want to get outta bed in the morning and get outta bed with some excitement, some energy. So the first thing is to focus, focus, I mean, and that's hard focus. On what you're doing, but focus on a vision on a clear vision for your life. An activity I have clients do often is to think about in one part of their life, how they would like it to be in a couple years.

So career is often since I do a lot of career coaching. So I'll have 'em think in your life if. What's your level of confidence in your career right now on a scale of one to 10. And they'll say something like, well, it's a five or it's a six or it's a seven or whatever. Well, if it was a 10, imagine if it was a 10 and imagine how you would feel if it was a 10 and I'll have, 'em close their eyes and I'll have 'em focus on their breathing, just imagine and [00:10:00] think and answer these questions, you know, how would you act differently around other people?

What things would you start doing that you're not doing now? What things would you stop doing that you are doing now? How, what kind of risks would you take? Would you be taking at that time? What kind of goals would you be moving towards at that time? If your confidence was at that level at a 10. And so I have them absorb that vision and try and focus on it consistently.

So when they wake up in the morning to have things that remind them of that vision, I'll have people create vision boards. Sometimes let's get a bunch of magazines and have 'em cut out pictures that represent. That vision of their life in that area. It's two years from now, or that vision of their life in that area.

You know, it could be five years from now. I like the two year, one year timeframe. I think it's easier for people to grasp and you can get a lot done in a year. People greatly underestimate what they can get done in a year and overestimate what they can get done in a week greatly underestimate what they can get done in a year though.

You can practice the focus thing too, by just being present in the here and now, our brains are so distracted with social media and other things. And we're talking to people sometimes, and we're already formulating what are gonna actually say before we actually hear what they do say and what they did say.

But have it try practicing, having a conversation where you look at people, not in a weird way, not stare, but you're looking and focusing and zoning in and asking clarifying questions. It's gonna start helping you practice using that focus muscle, which meditation helps with that as well. So the first thing that helps me with happiness is to focus, focus on that vision, focus on what I'm doing in the moment, focus on what I'm engaging in at that time.

If I'm working out, I'm working out. If I'm eating, I'm eating. If I'm watching a TV program, Watching a TV program. I'm not thinking about my next day. I'm not thinking about what I did wrong. I'm focusing. So second thing is, enjoy the journey, enjoy the ride. It's the ride that makes us happy. Not the destination.

A lot of people will say, well, I'll be happier when I have more money or when I'm married or when I have another kid or when I have a new job or when my house is paid for, when I go on that. Or when I get that career that I would love, and some of those things could make you happier, cuz you might have a misalignment in career and you might need to make some changes and adjust, but ultimately happiness is not gonna come from the external.

You can't solve any external problem. With an external solution, it's always an internal solution. So it's a mindset of saying that I'm gonna enjoy this journey right now as I go through the process. So people will often say, well, I enjoyed medical school so much more than being a doctor or I enjoyed.

Getting my degree in accounting more than I actually enjoy being in account. Cuz I had so many friends and we focused and worked together and there was a process where we can enjoy both. Cuz it's always a journey you're just on a journey to a new place. After you get that first accounting job, you're on a journey to a new place after you actually finish your residency, enjoy the journey, do more of what makes you happy.

In the process while you're on that journey. So the process and the anticipation and the planning is often what we get really excited about when it comes to vacation. When it comes to planning a hobby, when it comes to planning time with your friends, that's a part of the journey. So we start shifting our mindset to saying my journey I'm gonna actually enjoy in the process.

And the process is what's really gonna make me happy and focusing on the process and being a hundred percent in the process for me. Enjoying the journey was when my friends couldn't actually do anything in Denver. When I was going through Denver, it was still part of the process. So I took the risk. I reached out and I enjoyed the journey cuz I did make these new, I revitalized some connections with Jeff and with Chris and that's cool.

And that's gonna lead to more interactions down the road. So number three. Number three trick secret for being happy. Do the hard do the hard. One of my core values is live with courage. Do the hard, do the hardest thing the first, right when you get up in the morning, that's if you have a hard conversation to have, if you have a phone call, if you have a task, you have a.

Conflict you need to resolve. If there's some project that you've been procrastinating on will do that first thing in the morning and it's prior prioritization. So I encourage you on Sunday nights to schedule your week out the night before your day, the next day, to have your top three, four priorities and do the hardest one first.

And if you're gonna, if that's gonna, if that's going to cause a great deal of anxiety by doing that hardest thing first, well, I have some very practical things that you can actually engage in. And so think of the acronym. Tips. Okay. And it's T I P S so tips. So one of them is tip the temperature. So taking a cold shower, biologically does something to you.

It actually activates when we're anxious, we're activating our sympathetic nervous system when we are, and we believe we're underwater. Our parasympathetic nervous system is actually [00:15:00] activated. So we start calming down. I. It sucks to actually be in a cold shower. I mean, I take cold showers because I know they're good for me, but notice how you feel when you get outta the cold shower, you're gonna feel relaxed because it's naturally biologically gonna activate your parasympathetic nervous system and get out of that part of your brain.

That's the lizard brain. So pace breathing can be very helpful. So that 10, eight to 10 beaths a minute, and your inhale should be shorter than your exhale. Try that paired muscle relaxation is where you tense a muscle group. Like you 10, your fists, and then you release it that can help you to relax. It can help you go from sympathetic to parasympathetic.

And for those of you who haven't listened to me before sympathetic is fight or flight parasympathetic is when your nervous system is in rest and digest, intense exercise. You know, even for 10 minutes, you do pushups. You know, sometimes in my office I'll do pushups until I can't stop. I'll try not to work up a sweat.

If I have a client. You end up working up a sweat or I'll do crunches until I can't stop. I'll do some jumping jacks until I can't stop. I'll do some intense exercise when I'm anxious and it helps me greatly. And so doing the hard, if the hard's gonna make you anxious, those are some practical things you can actually do.

Get those things crossed off your list. So I've consistently throughout my career, seen clients come back and say, and I'll ask them, you know, what progress have you made? And the ones that have made progress on 80% of their goals between coaching sessions are coming in with some excitement generally and coming in some with some energy.

Do I really do I, do I really need to get this done or can I get something else done? That prioritization is crucial though, because we can get distracted and be using all kinds of things on our to-do list to keep us from doing the most essential tasks. So the good is the enemy the best. The good is the end.

Do the best, most difficult tasks. First take action. Do the hard, keep consistently doing the hard and it's gonna make you happy. It's gonna make you happier or put you in a position where you have opportunities to be happier because we can't control it. As I said, so number four is reframing, reframing the negative into a positive.

So just today. I mean, I was talking to a client about my divorce. Well, he went through a divorce and I, we were just talking about some of the hard things in our lives and how we've been able to reframe them. And I've told him this, that, although I never wanted a divorce, I don't wish that on anybody.

It's not a good thing to go through. I. Still grieve it. I can honestly tell you that a benefit that's come out of it is some quality time with my daughter that I most likely would not have had because we've gotten a lot of one on one time and a connection that has formed because of that quality time.

And so I can reframe this negative thing into a positive and see the benefit or you lose your job. You don't get the job. So recently I had a client come in and tell me. The contract for her company is it's a government contract and Sev 70% of the revenue comes from this one contract that they that's not gonna actually be renewed.

So she was telling me like, oh my gosh, I'm, I'm in the leadership position here. I don't know what's gonna happen to me. We only have 30% of our revenue starting in 2023 coming in. Unless we get something to replace that 70%. So he, she was thinking about her career in the situation. I gotta start really thinking about, and honestly, wasn't really happy in her career.

And so this was a very motivating factor. So that's reframing seeing this negative situation as one that can be turned into something that's positive in your life. When the fear gets strongest in my life and the resistant gets strongest in my life. That's when I'm closest to a breakthrough. Let me say that again.

When the fear gets strongest in my life towards something that I know and want. The resistance gets the most intense that's when I know I'm closest to a breakthrough, that's when I know on the other side, I'm getting close to the other side and there's a link in this podcast to some articles on how to change negative core beliefs.

And a worksheet you can use as well, because we have these deeply set negative core beliefs that we can reframe into something that is positive and see it as an asset that we've gone through that difficult thing, or see it as an asset that we struggle with this negativity, cuz your brain's just doing its job by trying to keep you safe by seeing all the things that could go wrong.

It's just doing its job, but you can take the action and do the work to reframe it in such a way that this is an opportunity that I'm excited about. I even had a client once say. At about his dad who he really didn't know cuz his dad had left when he was about six years old. He started reframing it with my dad did the best that he could.

My dad did the best that he could. And I noticed a significant change. Cuz then he found out in the process that his dad had gone through some significant abandonment and trauma in his life that was helping him to understand why his father was acting and did act the way that he did. So number five.

Happiness trick is to not give away your power again. So maintain boundaries, maintain boundaries with people in your life that are toxic and maintain boundaries with yourself [00:20:00] from toxic things and do that in a consistent, on a consistent basis. So recently had a client and he was telling me that he started establishing some boundaries with his dad and he's in his mid twenties and said that.

Dad made a comment and I didn't feel like it was accurate. And I stood up for myself and I'm thinking good for you, you know, like, that's great. That's what I want you to do. I want you to have, and sometimes I'll encourage clients to have scripts with family and friends, cuz they know these kind of interactions are gonna happen where they have to stand up and we can rehearse and role play that in session.

So they're prepared for those things that they know they're gonna end up facing. And so the reaction from his dad was not good. He. Had a big old blow up fight kind of thing. And he lives with his dad. So he was put in a situation where he felt like, I don't know if I can continually live here. And then some accusations were made about him being selfish, the client by his dad and not helping and you know, not gonna end up being a success in that he always gives up on things and that he's not productive with his life and all kinds of things.

But I have a feeling that in that state, his dad was. A sympathetic state was feeling threatened and was saying things that he actually didn't believe, but was being defensive. My client did, I'd say a decent job of maintaining his boundaries. So was calm, kept repeating that he didn't feel like it was accurate what his dad was saying and got in his car, went on a drive, practiced some of these tips skills that I had mentioned to you did things that were gonna calm his central nervous system down.

But. Actually came into my office, second guessing himself thinking, Hmm. Maybe some of these things my dad said was true and I said to him, well, are they true? And he was able to identify that. Yeah. There's probably little elements of truth to maybe a few of them, but overall, no, they're not true. I mean, and so.

Then don't believe him. Don't let him sink in. Don't give your power then to your dad. If he's saying things outta defensiveness and his own issues, don't give your power away by letting that sink in. Let's reframe that let's actually reframe it as it's your dad's issue that he needs to work through, not yours.

And I could see my client get energized by that. I could see him start to see that, you know, I'm taking on something. That's not mine to. That I don't have to take this burden on and blame myself and I can maintain my boundaries with these people in my life, who I know love me oftentimes, but some of the interactions are toxic or with friends who maybe not the best friends for us, and we have to end the relationship, but we may tain those boundaries and we stick to our guns.

The sixth thing when it comes to being happy is connection, but you're not surprised to hear that, but connecting with others. And I read some research recently in a book it's called from strength to strength. I believe it was excellent read. And it talked about just making the most of the last half of your life.

And one of the statistics, and it may have been another book that I read, but I believe it was from this book. Was that. The people that are the happiest in their aging years, that one consistent is that they have one non familial, not their son, not their daughter, not their spouse, not their wife, not their husband intimate relationship.

With the same sex. So they have one close, intimate friendship, and we're not talking sexual intimacy, obviously it's that they're open with them. They share problems, concerns, but they have that one friend makes a humongous difference as we age. And it makes a huge difference as we're younger, too. But to have that is crucial and connecting with others, like I've shared with you my situation where I had to ended up in the hospital with cuz I hadn't slept for five days.

Well, you know, My buddies, you know, Brent and Dave were with me the whole time I saw and realized at that moment how close those friendships really are and the trust level increased significantly. And I've mentioned before my buddy Ben, who had a stroke that I've gone out to see, he lives in my hometown, in my area, in Northern California.

And just recently he and his wife, I was talking to over the Bluetooth in their car. And he was talking about his week and I was talking about my week and I shared something that was hard. I shared, you know, well, I made a decision that a couple of my long-term close friends didn't really agree with, but I felt like was the right decision for me.

And I haven't heard from them since, and I don't know why I haven't heard from them. It could be just because they're busy or whatever, but my hunch is that they've distanced themselves some for me because they didn't agree with the decision that I made. I believe the decision was the right decision.

I'm not second guessing that whatsoever, but as I shared that with Ben, he, his response to that was like, You know, Adam, you're a courageous person and you're loved and you did the right thing and you know, just know we love you and we support you and we're here for you. And it was really cool to see that because Ben's been in a situation where he's had to accept help.

And like I said, you know, he was this extraordinarily healthy kind of person, same age as me. I went to high school with him and then had this massive stroke that he's had to recover [00:25:00] from. That has been. Very difficult in the process of recovery. And he's learning how to talk again. He's learning how to walk again.

He's learning how to do a lot of things that were easy and second nature again, but him helping me and he was legitimately helping me, but I could tell in sense that that was helping him. He was seeing, you know, I'm the same Ben who can help people and can encourage Adam, which he has. Encouraged me since fifth grade on many occasions and him knowing that he can continually do that, is awesome.

In fact, he encouraged me on the way here telling me I gotta set my lineup for my fantasy football league team. So anyway, thanks Ben for that. But connecting with others is crucial. So let's go ahead and review these things. Again. Happiness tips, focus on a vision, create a vision board, focus on that vision and focus.

Enjoy the journey. Don't focus on the destination, enjoy the journey, but you have focus on the destination too, but don't put most of your energy there. Put about 20% in the destination. Do the hard, do the hard live with courage, reframe the negative into the positive. And that can also be through gratitude, which I highly recommend you practice, maintain boundaries and boundaries with yourself are like, I know I want to eat healthy.

I know I want to get up earlier. I know I want to go and talk to my family more and then you maintain that boundary, but actually following through, or I know I want to be more consistent as a parent maintain boundaries, connect with others, and it's never too late. You're never gonna be. Younger than you are today.

There's always opportunities. I mean, and I literally mean that word, always legitimately there's opportunities to build connections around you, if you open up to them and if you don't let the negativity overtake you and convince you that you can't build any other relationships with other people. So that's what I got for you today.

I want you as I do every session and every podcast. What insight did you gain that you wanted to take that you wanna take away from today? Change is 30% insight. Okay. That sticks. I wanna make that change. And then it's 80%. 70% action. Okay. It's more important. You take that action. So make a decision today.

To take an action in your life in the next few days, based on whatever it is that you gained insight in today. If you found this podcast helpful, give you a like again, Spotify, apple link to shatterproof yourself, mental health stress checklist. You get 27 items there. It can really transform your life. It get some insight into your life and things you wanna change.

To be happier to deal with stress, better life balance tips, ebook, and also the 50 great relationship building questions. Oh yeah. And by the way, if you want me to speak to your team, been doing that a lot more over zoom and also live locally here in my, in my home state of Wichita, Kansas. I love to come out, have someone on my team, come out and speak to your team as well on the topic of, mental health coaching topics.

Team building communication skills, all of that. So make it your mission today to live the net life. Now that you wanna be remembered for 10 years after you're gone, you decide your legacy. You decide your future. No one else. I appreciate you greatly and I'll see you next time.

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