Ep48_KnowingYourself
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[00:00:00] Welcome to the Decide Your Legacy podcast. I'm your host, Adam Gragg, and if you have not already done so, subscribe so you'll never miss another podcast episode. If you have enjoyed this podcast, and you love it. Pull out your phone. Take 15, 30 seconds, Give it a like a rating and review on Apple or Spotify or wherever you get your podcast content.

That helps it to grow organically, which it has been significantly. Today we're gonna talk about, I'm gonna talk to you about getting to know yourself, getting to know yourself so you can actually be yourself. Getting to know yourself so you can be yourself. A question I get asked frequently from clients is, How do I know myself?

I've gotten caught up in anxiety, I've gotten caught up in depression and trauma and all these other distractions in my life, and I don't really know what I want. And you're gonna get to figure out some steps you can take, seven steps you can take to know yourself, so you can make the right decisions and head in the right direction.

As I have done in other previous episodes, I'm gonna share some risks that I have taken recently. And the reason I do that is because taking risks helps you to develop personally. Professionally, you learn a ton about yourself as you take risks. It's gonna help you to know yourself. So some things I've done, I won.

I went to my 30th high school reunion. I told you about that last time, and I even instigated a lot of these kind of picture roundups with people. Hey, let's make sure we take a lot of pictures. Kind of awkward. I could have been rejected. I really wasn't. Maybe I was a little bit, but it was a really positive thing and I made it a goal at the 30th reunions and not ask anybody about their jobs. So that was my goal. In fact, I was writing out to it to the events in the very first event with some buddies, and I said, Hey, let's make the goal, make it our goal to not ask anybody about their career. I went to an all boys high school. A lot of the people are extremely successful, and that was the goal.

And I think for the most part, we lived it well. So asking questions like. How are you involved in your community or what'd you do that was fun this summer? Or you know, tell me about your kids. You know, those kinds of questions that get people to really talk about the real stuff. So a second risk I took is I took my daughter outta school for a day, which it was kind of a risk for me.

She's doing really, really well in school, but you know, I risk that people could judge that. Think I was a bad parent, all that kind of stuff. I was looking and shopping for a new car, believe it or not. So I've never had a new car and I'd like to buy myself a new car at some point in the next year or so, and I got a quote on my car, and I feel like they came in about half the value that I could sell at private sale.

And I stood up for myself. I said, You know what? This is kind of bothersome and irritating to me. I want a legitimate offer. For my car , and so I wouldn't necessarily have done that a couple years ago, and then I dressed up as a farmer for this scary fuel to screams deal. We have in Wichita, one of the best, I would suggest it's one of the best, scary haunted house deals that in the country.

Honestly, it's called Field of Screams, Kansas. And despite the resistance of some of my friends and people, I still dressed up and it was really fun. And that's me, and that's me knowing myself. So if you're not familiar with me, I'm Adam Gragg. I'm a legacy coach. I'm a speaker podcaster. I am a mental health professional and have been since 1998, so kind of inching closer to my 25th year in mental.

And my life purpose is helping people and organizations find that transformational clarity. Knowing themselves that's gonna propel them forward to face their biggest fears, usually emotional fears, so they can live and leave their chosen legacy so they can live the life that they want. And I talk about stuff in a way that you could describe it to a six year old, to your six year old, and they're gonna understand the concepts that you're talking.

I also discuss topics that I struggle with myself, and I have a challenge for you as a listener, that as you listen, listen as a teacher, listen as if you are gonna be teaching one of the insights you gain from this podcast today to somebody in the next 24 hours. It will change the way you engage the content.

This subject is very important because most people I find do not slow down enough to get the clarity that they need to make the decisions that are gonna lead them in the right direction. They're so busy [00:05:00] and there's this anxiety and this pull, and there's all this stuff and this junk and this drama that we can get sucked into and not focus on the most important issues.

Knowing who you really are is one of the most important things that you can ever engage in in your life. Knowing who you really are is one of the most important things you can ever engage in in your life. I mean, that is something so significant because it will change everything. I mean, the benefits are that it's gonna give you confidence cuz you're gonna be yourself around other people despite how they think.

It's gonna help you to make decisions because you know who you are and you know what's gonna fit for you and what's not gonna fit for you. It's gonna help you not waste time. Because you're not gonna engage in in anything that's not really you, and it's not gonna lead you in the direction you want to head in.

And it's gonna help you to serve other people really well because you're gonna do things and engage in activities that are gonna be utilizing your resources, your God given resources to the best of your ability. The problem is, is that we often don't do things because other people's opinion of us, we give our power away, and so we're not ourselves.

But today, you're gonna learn to be yourself. And remember, if you want short-term happiness, we'll serve yourself. You know, go by those emotional whims, do whatever feels good. If you want long-term peace, if you want long-term happiness, then you're gonna have to know who you are, and you're gonna be serving others and giving your life away based on those traits that you have been given.

To help other people. So let's go ahead and jump into the content here. So, how to get to know yourself. Now, these are things that have actually helped me personally and things I'm struggling with and working on myself on a regular basis. So it's gonna surprise you. Some of these, There are six things, how to know yourself.

So one is to laugh and have fun, have a lot of fun in your life. Do things that are fun. Engage in those things you know, energize you, that you enjoy. And they can be hobbies and people and places and situations that you put yourself in. I mean, how. Often, or when was the last time you laughed until you cried?

When was the last time you laughed until you actually rolled on the floor? When was the last time you laughed until you actually peed your pants? What situations did that for you? Who are your favorite comedians? What types of humor do you find funny? That's clean, obviously, but that's gonna inspire you and help you feel like you're yourself.

Those are gonna give you clues to yourself, to your own natural personality. If you're in situations where you're getting to let loose and just talk spontaneously and let go of all this crap, then that's gonna help you to see some real clues into who you are. And it's down strange, but it works. I mean, we don't put ourselves, or if you don't, put yourself in situations that are fun.

Then you're really gonna be cutting yourself off from these opportunities to learn and discover who you really are. So I'm a goofball. I mean, I am naturally a goofball, and I know there are situations, and I've been single now for over five, almost five years. And I've had situations where, well first maybe I'm going on a couple dates with somebody, I'm not sure I'm interested in them.

And then I realize, well, I really are and I really am interested in them. And then the anxiety takes over and I'm not myself. Because I'm trying to do what I think they will like I'm trying to please, and that's codependency and I can think of just one specific situation where, you know, I even wonder if they know me at all.

Basically based on the interactions that we have. I think they do in some ways cuz we've had a lot of interactions. But I wonder at times, Do people, my friends and my family, do they really know me? Because a lot of times it's to please them. It's to be somebody that I think they want me to be rather than actually being myself.

So you actually put yourself in situations where you laugh and have fun and cut loose, and who cares what the response is. You're letting go of the outcome. It's a risk, but you're finding out who you are for those interactions. The second thing is journaling. I've been a journaler for a long, long time.

In fact, I think I shared before that and I started when I was 19. The journals that I wrote from age 19 to age 23. At some point I decided I'm too embarrassed of the content cuz I would read through them and they'd be these silly things about having crushes on people and situations and these things that wouldn't, shouldn't have bothered me back then.

I felt so silly. I decided to have a bonfire in my backyard and burn them, which I really regret to this. Day because those were, that was actually me at the time. It helped me to process and it was a very good habit to start. So I've been journaling since I was 19 and I'm getting ready to turn 49 in less than a week.

So I've been journaling a long time. I have a lot of journals filled up. Journaling. You want to do it consistently and you wanna review your entries. And I have some clients that do this every day and have started doing it through coaching. One in particular, I can think of that he would, he would absolutely say it's been life transformative and I would suggest he journals five outta seven days tries to do it every day.

But there's three questions that I challenge my clients to journal about and to ponder. So one question is, how am I put together? What are my natural tendencies, personality traits, quirks, vulnerabilities, emotional characteristics. What am I sensitive about and journal about that? What draws my attention?

So what volunteer opportunities, causes, passions, [00:10:00] interests, things that I dream about and want to engage in. What are those? And then what life experiences have shaped me, so good and bad. So people do a timeline of their life and they can think of things, not necessarily positive things that. Shaping and life shaping and transformative, but can help them to help other people.

So some other questions to journal about are what energizes me, what drains me, what do I value most? And three things to think about as you journal. What do you want a journal about? Well, I'll give you three pointers. Journal about your daily activities. What do you have coming ahead? What was hap? What happened yesterday?

What happened during the day today? And just free flow, right? Just and just start by saying, Today I experienced, and then whatever comes out, you have to learn to let go when you're gonna journal and then you write about it. What are your fears? And you write about those fears. What's scar me in my life today?

What am I worrying about? And you write and journal about. What decisions do I have to make and how am I coming to the conclusion to make certain decisions? You journal about that. That's what you get out of the journaling process. You get to know how you're making decisions. You get that insight into yourself, but it has to be a consistent practice you engage in.

So I wanna link in the show notes to a worksheet called Nodey Self. And it's gonna give you some, an questions to ask yourself. Basically that will help you to just know what's fun for you, what's gonna make you laugh, what kind of YouTube videos, what kind of situations. And it also has a radical self-care worksheet, which is gonna give you some ideas on how to take care of yourself that are gonna put you in situations where you can laugh and think and process more often because they're energizing type situations.

There's also a link to an article on 50 journal prompts, and I didn't write this and actually some journal. Some journaling recommendations as well in the show notes. Is it gonna get a lot of information in the show notes here too? So number three is create a plan and think about it when you have anxiety, a plan in place is.

50% are overcoming the anxiety. So if you're afraid of flying and you create a plan to get on the plane, even if it's taking a benzodiazepine to relax yourself before you get on the plane, is prescribed by your doctor, it's still a plan. And that's a plan that's gonna start relieving some of the anxieties.

So create a plan to face these biggest fear and anxieties in your life. Create a plan. And so the questions that people often have with fears, I mean they're often centered around, I'm unworthy, I'm unlovable, and I'm un helpless. But then we can get very specific about those fears. So I had a client recently who is terrified of being embarrassed, and actually I'm kind of terrified of being embarrassed.

That's why I had so much terror about public speaking when I started, I mean, 20 years ago, I would literally, Whole night of sleep before I had a speaking event. And I do this as a profession now and speak all the time, but it's something that has been a tremendous fear in my life. And I tie the roots to that to situation when I was in fifth grade.

And I was tremendously embarrassed by a nun at a school that I attended who just made my life miserable. And another social situation in sixth grade, which is just a year later where I called a timeout and a fight, and all the kids laughed at me for a long period of time. It was a fist fight behind the softball field.

And anyway, Call the timeout, which you're not supposed to do. But these embarrassing situations psychologically can be so deep that they can create these negative mindsets that we have to find a way to overcome and face. And part of, part of facing that plan is creating a new mindset. And so think about it if you're afraid.

I had a client actually, she was afraid to go to a school play for her daughter because she's been in social situations before where she was embarra. . And so I challenged her to come up with a new thought, like, I'm afraid I'm gonna be embarrassed and my life's gonna fall apart. So what's a new thought?

Well, if I go, I will grow. I mean, she came up with that on her own. And another one was, If I'm embarrassed, embarrassment won't kill me. She came up with that on her own. So I can think, and you can think of situations that you're gonna. Think will potentially create these thoughts of, I'm unworthy, I'm helpless, I'm unlovable.

Like I can't do anything about the situation, but challenge it with a new thought. So you're creating a plan to face your biggest fears. So there's a link actually in this. Podcast as well to 30 negative core beliefs. And these are the, these are the major fears I've seen over almost 25 years working with clients that they have consistently.

And so you can look at those beliefs and then you can challenge them with something new. So you challenge it with a new belief that you can start to focus on. And I was out speaking to a law firm just about a week ago, and one thing I tell, I told everybody in the audience is that I will pay you, I'll give you a hundred dollars gift card to anywhere you want if you do something for me for 30 days.

And what it was, and it'll only take you five minutes a day. And what it is, is they look in the mirror in the morning and they tell themselves all the different things that they like and appreciate and admire about themselves consistently. They do it for five minutes a day, and if they did that every single day, they can't lie to me.

They can't not do it every [00:15:00] single day, that it will significantly change their mindset because they're looking in the mirror and for five minutes sitting in stopwatch and telling them all the thing themselves, all the good things about themselves. We have the ability to focus on what we like about ourselves and what's good about ourselves.

We have the ability to focus on. A new healthy perspective to overcome our fears. And as I was preparing for this podcast, I thought about a situation where my sister, when she was just outta college, Hugh Grant was a really big actor at that time. I don't know if you're familiar with him or not, but he was doing a movie.

My sister was at a bar in, San Francisco and he called her over to the table and she was probably 20. Six years old. I don't know, whatever. But he told her that he was, that he, he thought she was one of the most beautiful women she had ever seen or something to that effect. And I, I was thinking about that, thinking, Well, I mean big name actor, whatever you think about him.

I don't know his character. Maybe it's ba I, I have no idea. I haven't really researched to Grant. But these situations in our lives where we have these moments where like people recognize something in us. I mean, but physical beauty is fleeting and all. Not what you wanna, that's actually an extrinsic, But there's these intrinsic things like character and honesty, and people will recognize that in us, and then we can reflect upon those situations when that has been noticed, and that's really very powerful.

So if you found this podcast helpful, make sure you hit the link in the show notes to the, it's called Shatterproof Yourself. It's a 27 item, mental health stress checklist, and so it's 27 things that you can engage in to improve your mental health that you will not wanna miss. So make sure you subscribe.

Hit that link in the show notes. So number four is take emotional risks frequently, and emotional risk is something that you can do, which could lead to rejection and embarrassment and all these different fears. So I'm saying face, create a plan to face your biggest fears. Well, part of that plan is going to be.

is part of that plan if to face your biggest fear is, is actually gonna be taking emotional risks? So, but I, I did wanna back up because I challenged that group, that law firm saying if you do that for 30 days, I will give you a hundred dollars gift card anywhere you want. And basically if someone does that for 30 days at look at.

The look in the mirror and they say these things they like about themselves. They're just guaranteed to change the way they feel. It's gonna change their state from being potentially depressed or anxious to being one that's more positive and a state is stronger than a feeling being you can be in an anxious state.

A year ago I was in an anxious and a depressed state and it was very hard to get out of, and it took some great friends. And a lot of help to get outta that state. I'm in ACEC confident state now in my life, but I was not then. And if we take the time five minutes a day to look in the mirror, I'm not gonna lose that a hundred bucks.

I told him, I said, I'll give you a hundred dollars gift card anywhere you want if it doesn't actually help you significantly. And I told him as well. I said, I don't think some of you are gonna do this and all that and whatever, but. Is such a powerful thing that I know that if they actually do do it, it will change their state.

That five minutes a day in the mirror looking in the mirror, telling themselves what they like about themselves, that I'm not gonna have to pay anybody anything whatsoever. So, So take emotional risks frequently and think about what some emotional risks could be for you. I just wrote down a few things.

Going to a gas station and this, these are awkward situations for me, so they're emotional risks for me. They may not be for you, but you can make your own risk list of like 10 things that you know, if you do them, they're gonna be emotional risks for you, where you're getting outta what's comfortable. So go to a gas station, use the restroom and come out, and then they'll buy anything.

I always feel a tinsy. I gotta buy something to use the restroom, go to the library, and without even getting on the computer and researching the book, just ask a librarian for help finding that specific book. If you know what it is, go to dinner at a nicer restaurant and eat dinner by yourself. In a place where most people are with their family or with a couple, and just eat dinner by yourself and journal and read and do something by yourself.

Ask for help in moving something in your house from a neighbor who you haven't asked for help from before. So don't make something up. Don't like move your couch for no reason, but if you need some help, Or if you need some advice on something, go ask a neighbor for some advice on something. So express disagreement with another person.

And I had a, I had a crazy situation. I mean, I did that when I was shopping for the car recently, but I was flying back from Sacramento to Wichita and we were in Las Vegas for the layover and the in Las Vegas. We were actually getting ready to get on the plane. And my daughter and I were, listening to our, to music and reading books, and so they were loading the plane and I.

They were actually calling our number, our number. We were like 41 and 42 on Southwest Airlines. They were calling our number. And so I, I tapped on my daughter's shoulder. I said, We gotta go Emerson. We're they're loading the plane. And she was kind of startled cuz she was really into this book. And so we get on the plane and then I sit down and she sits down and my daughter says to me, Man, you know, dad, you were, you were aggressive or you were [00:20:00] mean, or something like that.

And I said, Emerson, We, I just didn't want us to be late, you know, I'm sorry if it seemed that way. I just didn't want us to be late on the plane. And then the lady behind, the lady in front of us turned around and said, Be nice. She looked at me and said, Be nice. And she said to me, You're that she's an adult.

Be nice. She's an adult. And that's what she said. And so I. At first was wanting to kind of be reactive, basically, and say, Mind your own business lady. But then I knew my daughter was watching. It's not a good situation. I don't wanna be emotionally reactive. I want to control myself, so I. I said to her something like, you know, she's actually my daughter and, and, and she's, she's 15.

And, tried to give an explanation. We're just kind of caught up on getting on the plane and all that. And I talked to my daughter about using the word aggressive, cuz that was kind of like, well I wasn't aggressive, I was just being assertive and I was trying to get us on the plane and whatever. But the question that came out actually shocked me.

I asked the lady, I said, Well, how was your relationship with your. And then she put her earphones on and she didn't talk to me. The whole rest of the flight didn't look at me or anything. That was the best thing I could come up with. But I was assertive in a sense by just asking a question because I felt like I was being a good dad.

I was just kind of ruffled because we were trying to get on the plane and not miss our flight and all that. So anyway, you want to do things that are emotional risks, and that was a risk for me as well. So radical acceptance is the sec is the fifth thing you can do to get to know yourself. And so that is.

Mindset of I'm gonna accept the situation that I'm in. So I. I'm in a situation now that I never thought I would actually be in. I mean, I thought I would be, you know, married to my lifelong wife and that we would be continually running a business together and that we would be a whole family. And that was a very difficult thing for me to accept.

You know, I've shared before that I have a good, one of my best friends had a stroke and has had to accept that he has some limitations based on that. But acceptance is acknowledging that things are the way they. If suffering equals pain, plus non-acceptance of that pain, I'm just not gonna accept that it is the way that it is.

So I'm gonna send you a link here as well to a sheet that says Acceptance is not, cuz acceptance is not condoning. It's not saying I like it, it's not saying that I wish for this on myself or wish it on somebody else, but it's just accepting radically. And that means, you know, radically means that all the way complete, total.

Accepting your mind, your heart, your body. You know, it's not fighting reality any longer. It's throwing, not throwing tantrums, because reality is the way that it is. I mean, radical acceptance is gonna help you know yourself because you're accepting who you are in this situation, because who you are is actually not just this personality and these God given traits, but it's your whole life experience.

So you're accepting the fact that you've had these things that you wish would never have actually happened that you can use to actually help and bless other people. That's radical acceptance. It. We need to accept reality as it is that we have limitations. Well, you don't need to, but we can. And remember, the language is really important.

We can accept reality as it is mistakes that we've made, things we wish we wouldn't have done, That we have limitations based on our age or our health. We, we can accept that every cause. Including events that cause pain and suffering. Everything has a cause. There's a cause to it, and we can accept that life is worth living.

Even if we don't feel like it, we can accept that. Life has great pleasure. Penny has great potential ahead. Even if we don't feel like it. So that's number five. Then number six, as far as getting to know yourself, there may be one reason why you're not getting to know yourself, and it may be because you keep getting stuck.

You know, you can do the journaling, you can do the overcoming negative core beliefs. You can take the risks, you can try new things, you can meet new people, or at least you can grasp the concept that those. Types of things are really gonna help, and they are gonna help me get to know myself, but I'm stuck.

I can't do those things. I can't do them consistently. I'm really stuck. And that's because generally there's gonna be some anxiety, depression, or some trauma in our lives that we have not dealt with. And so the sixth thing you need to do to get to know yourself is to get some kind of professional help to get the help that will help you wa the.

The situation, Get the, get the expertise involved in your life. It's gonna ask you the questions to give you the clarity that you need. That's where an excellent coach or counselor comes into play because they can help you to see that the reason you're stuck is because you have unprocessed trauma. You have things that you have not dealt with in your past, or you have coping skills.

Dealing with uncomfortable emotions or dealing with uncomfortable situations where you don't know how to deal with them effectively in a way that propels you forward. And you can get tools from a professional and the accountability that a professional and the investment. And that's part of the accountability cuz you're giving Monzy, you're paying for the help.

That you're receiving. You need to get that kind of professional help to get you unstuck. And I'm gonna send you a link. [00:25:00] There's a link in the podcast as well to how to find a good counselor or coach. So what is an insight that you gained from today? What is a takeaway from today? It's a question I ask clients at the end of most sessions.

Insight is 30% of change. In life transformation, but action is the other 70%. Action is more important. You gotta step out and jump out of the plane, even though you don't know it's gonna work, You're gonna let go of the outcome you're gonna trust cuz you're taking risks that are calculated that the right outcome is gonna come and you're gonna end up.

With some real significant personal growth as the outcome, as you do that, as you take action. So you make a decision to apply something from today and then make a decision to teach it to somebody within the next 24 hours. So just explain it. Hey, I learned this today from this podcast, or I learned this today from this guy named Adam, or, I learned this today somewhere.

I don't care where you need, but you learn something from today and teach it to somebody else. So if you have found this helpful hire. Speak. I would love to talk to your place of business and I can do it over Zoom. I can do something live and don't remember to hit in the show notes to link to shatterproof yourself as.

It'll give you some real excellent tips as well. So make it your mission to live the life now that you wanna be remembered for 10 years after you're gone live your legacy. Now you decide your legacy, you decide your future. No one else. I appreciate you greatly and I'll see you next time.