Ep50_BigMistake
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Adam Gragg: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Decide Your Legacy podcast. I'm your host, Adam Gragg. If you haven't already done so, subscribe so you'll never miss another podcast episode. And if you found this podcast helpful. Please pull out your phone, take 15 seconds and give us a rating in review on Apple or Spotify or wherever you get your podcast content.

It helps us reach more people and help more people by growing organically when you do so. So I'm asked almost every day, how can I improve my relationships? Today I'm gonna talk about the best simple answer I can give to this question. I'm gonna talk about a big mistake people make relationally and how to fix it.

This is episode number 50, A big mistake people make and how to fix it. Wow. Big, big deal to me. Episode 50 started this thing over two years ago, and I'm going to share a few risks I've taken. And the reason I share risks with you is because I wanna challenge and encourage you to do the same exact thing.

Because one of the most important things for your mental health is not playing it safe, doing things that are scary, emotionally scary. So I met with a friend who I really haven't been connected with. Over 10 years and we actually got together, hung out on Saturday. Had a great time. It was a little scary and risky just because we hadn't connected in a while.

I posted some pranks that I have, engaged in and pulled off on Facebook, and I realized that that could trigger some people and possibly get me criticized because some of these pranks are on my family and parents and sometimes they can. Take in the wrong way. So I started a new YouTube channel. I have had a YouTube channel for a long time, but I deleted it on accident.

Can you believe that? And no, I haven't gone into a tailspin about this, but it's up and running again with the same content. It's gonna be re-uploaded in new content. Check it out. Tell your friends. I asked, actually, I was at Walgreens getting my covid and flu shot, COVID, whatever. At the same time, yes, I did that at the same time.

And I was sitting there waiting in the pharmacy area and this guy comes in and there's some people around there and he's like, Hey, my car broke down at Walmart. Can you give me a ride to work? And I looked at the guy and I said, no. And then he walked off. And the reason that was kind of a risk for me is because I, it that's not safe.

Come on. But I've gotten sucked into those kinds of things before. No, but, or Oh, I'm sorry. Your car broke down. Or, but you know, that's a dangerous situation. I knew in my gut this is not safe, and I just said, no, I'm Adam Gragg. For those of you that don't know, I'm a legacy coach, speaker, podcaster, mental health professional founder of Decide Your Legacy, and I've been in the mental health professional field, mental health field for since 1998, so I'm getting close to my 25th year.

My life purpose is helping people and organizations find transformational clarity that propels them forward to face their biggest fears, which are usually emotional fears, like rejection, embarrassment, and to live and leave their chosen legacy. I talk about stuff that a six year old can understand and grasp.

Just like in the last episode, number 49, rekindling and building relationships, I talked about how a friend, a true real friend, is gonna be courageously honest, loyal and committed, ruthlessly loyal, and extremely committed to you. Your six year old's gonna understand that, and that's a concept they could weed out some of the empty wells that they have in their lives.

I don't know how many empty, well, I mean, six year olds are pretty nice overall. I mean, they may have some crap going on, but you can talk about what is a good friend with your six year old. I also discuss stuff that I struggle with myself. I'm a fellow traveler. This is a topic an. This is an area I struggle with greatly.

My challenge to you is to listen as a teacher. Think about teaching one thing you have learned and you will learn today to somebody in the next 24 hours. Very important topic in, there's four big relationship errors that I have seen in my mental health practice as a family therapist over the almost 25, 25 years.

So one of them is called mind reading, where people [00:05:00] assume, make a lot of assumptions about what the other person and why they're doing what they're doing. And they, as they go by those assumptions, they follow those assumptions and they're often inaccurate. Another is escalation. So somebody shares something that's bothersome to them or they bring up a topic you're not really comfortable.

Addressing and then you escalate. It kind of is a one up thing and it gets unravels in the interaction. And then someone needs to take a break in the timeout, which is by the way, a wonderful relationship skill to employ at times. Withdraw, shutting down. That is a common. Error and relationships, and then invalidation, and that's what we're talking about today.

This is the big mistake people make. They invalidate other people. I'm gonna share with you 10 ways that you can validate rather than invalidating people very excited about this topic because this content will transform your relationships more than any other change you can make. In fact, I've never been, just because this is episode 50.

I'm excited about this podcast, but I've never been more excited about talking about a topic because I believe, truly believe it's gonna transform your relationships if you make some of these uncomfortable, potentially uncomfortable changes. Holidays are coming. You got lots of opportunities. And validating somebody means you are communicating in a way that is expressing to them that you value them, that you value what they're saying, even if you're not interested in it, that you value them as a person, that you and all people have great value.

Even if you disagree with whatever it is about them, their lifestyle choices, their decisions that they make, their values, whatever it might be, you can still communicate in a way that expresses that they are valuable. Number one, do not be critical. Don't be a complainer. Topics like politics and religion, hot topics, people don't wanna discuss and engage in those topics, which I think good, healthy dialogue is excellent for you and your mental health, but they don't, because somebody is complaining and they're closed off to any other point of view, they're not gonna listen.

Don't be that kind of person. Be curious about other people's perspectives. If it goes to the negative and you're seen as the person who always sees in interactions what could go wrong, how it could fall. Why you can't, why others can't. You're the guy that, or you're the gal that when someone brings out a new game at Christmas says, this is not what we've done in the past.

Let's not do this. That's criticism, that's complaining. Just by making a six year vision, I mean, sorry, a well, six year vision is great, but a six month vision for your life, you can start shifting to not being so negative. And seeing the potential rather than the problem. But when you go into these interactions over the holidays or any social event or any work kind of thing going on, remember you can be, you can change the fact that people see you as a critical person.

You can be the most encouraging person in the room. In fact, that's one of my core desires is that I can be the most encouraging person that people know. Number two, don't make it about you. You're gonna validate somebody when you, they see in the communication that you are not, it's not about you and you getting your needs met.

It's about you helping them to reach their goals. I have a friend who was having a difficult situation with his son, and the interactions with his son were limited. In fact, his son wasn't responding to a lot of texts and offers to go out and get lunch and things like that. And then my, my friend drafted a text to his son and he asked me to review it before he sent it.

And one of the things in the text is it said, I love you. I'm your, you know, your dad loves you, wants to support you. I know you've gone down a different career path and it may seem like I don't support that, but I do and I'm hurt that you're not reaching out to me. And I said, everything in that text is great except for you sharing that you're hurt.

Why? Because you are making it about you in that situation That can be seen as manipulation. Don't make it about you. Number three, use somebody's first name often over and over and over again. That's the most beautiful word in the English language to that person. You can say, Brian, Brian, Brian, and he's gonna like hearing that word.

He may act like he doesn't, but we like to hear our names. I like my name. I wish my parents knew why they named me Adam, cuz they can't gimme that answer. But I do like my name. I like when people say my name. So avoid using pronouns, avoid using other descriptors to describe somebody. Use their first name as much as you possibly can.

That's validating to people when they hear that. Number four, show interest in them through your body language. And that can be by nodding your head by saying, oh,ha. Or, or, interesting. Or, or, wow. It can be, even if you're not interested in what they are expressing or the topic that they're sharing, [00:10:00] you can still show interest in that topic because you care about them.

It's not about you, it's about them. You're validating and showing value in them in your communication. So for example, my daughter is very interested in the fine arts and I grew up playing sports, and so I've had to manufacture at times. It's legit because I care about her, but I've had to say, wow, that's really interesting and express interest in these musicals and these piano recital things, and all these things that interest her because I value her and show that in my body language, my openness to her smiling, being willing to listen.

Expressing to her that I care about what she is interested in herself. And the actual amazing thing about it is I have become much more interested in the interested in the fine arts. You know, going to see a show on Broadway was one of the last things I'd wanna do on a vacation. But over the summer, you know, we went and saw two shows at the West End in London and I was just sucked into those shows.

I mean, one of 'em was my favorite story and book, one of 'em at least by Victor Hugo, Les Miserables. The other one was Mama Mia. I was kind of dreading Mama Mia, but I was sucked into it. And I recently saw her in a performance of radio girls and it was. The story, the message, the entire thing. And so I'm becoming this through my interest in my daughter and I just because I love her, but also my interest in my other friend's interests.

So I've grown more interested in recording studios and I've grown more interested in. Running and cycling. I've grown more interested in things that I wouldn't have had an interest in if my friends didn't have an interest in that area. And so it's made me, and it'll change the way you view things as you express an interest as well.

And so I'm even really interested in seeing a. A specific show on Broadway called Six. It's about the six wives of King Henry, I believe, the eighth or whatever. But, you know, I wouldn't, I, I wouldn't recommend, you know, somebody actually being one of his wives, but it's very interesting to learn about what they went through.

And so I'm interested in. Checking that out on Broadway. And so I'm actually considering planning a trip to see or to see that show when it comes into town, or my area in Kansas City or whatever in California. So if you found this podcast interesting so far, subscribe by hitting the link to Shatterproof yourself.

It's a mental health stress checklist. It's gonna give you 27 things you can do to improve and work on your mental health. You don't wanna miss. So number five, and here's some specific things you can say to validate. People say It makes sense to me that you would feel that way, even if you don't actually, even if it doesn't actually make sense to you that.

They would feel that way. So my daughter recently told me that I'm late most of the time to things when I pick her up, when I go to events, when we do things, when we go to church and whatever. And I told her, it makes sense to me. You would feel frustrated about that because it really legitimately does.

I mean, that's totally on me. And then she told me recently that I annoy her by chomping my gum. And that really doesn't make sense cause I don't think I chopped my gum, but I did tell her it makes sense that some things people do irritate you, Emerson. So I was validating what she was saying, but I wanted to say, you know, well, it irritates me that.

It irritates you that I chomp my gum cuz I don't feel like I chomp, I didn't say that kind of stuff, but those are the things that would be invalidating to somebody else. Cause I want her to be able to tell me when something is irritating to her and to tell other people when something is irritating to her.

So I also want her to be. Sensitive of other people and you know, you don't wanna build friendships by always telling 'em what's annoying about them. And, you know, I don't like this about you and that, that kind of thing. But telling somebody it makes sense that you feel, they feel that way is gonna validate them.

It's showing that you value them as a person. Number six, apologize when you're wrong and say, I was wrong. No excuses. I was wrong. No excuses. Don't say I was wrong, but you do this and this bothers me. Or I was wrong. But you do that in the past, or I'm sorry, but I, you know, couldn't control myself cause I had a bad day.

No, you leave all that stuff out. It's, I was wrong if you were legitimately wrong. No excuses. I had to say to my daughter I was wrong. No excuses. I am wrong by being late. No excuses not, you know, work is so stressful. Or I had this client issue, or I had this thing to deal with. No, I was wrong. No excuses.

Emerson. I'm really gonna work on that. And then I have to prove, because she's not gonna trust me that I'm gonna change until I prove to her by my exam, by my behavior, that I'm gonna start being more punctu. I recently had a client say that his wife was super grouchy the other day, and that he told his wife.[00:15:00]

He told his wife that, I don't wanna be around you right now. Because you're grouchy and you're in a bad mood. And then his wife came back and said, I was wrong. You know, I, and really, basically did what I would recommend. I was wrong, no excuses. And then my, my client said he kinda got really frustrated with his wife.

Yeah. You do this all the time and you don't realize you do this and you don't understand how much we, me and the kids go through when you're, when you're, when you're grouchy like that, when you're coming from work and. Kind of his, his wife just reiterated I was wrong. No excuses. Cuz sometimes when you apologize, in fact, I would say 80% of the time when you apologize, you're gonna get some kind of negative reaction to it because people generally express that, yeah, you're, I mean, you're owning this, but you don't realize maybe how much it impacts us or whatever.

And I'm not suggesting you do that. That is a natural reaction. I'm suggesting you, you might do that, you might need to vent a little bit, but accept their apology and then you're gonna rebuild trust as you see evidence of changes. Of change. You know, someone says I was wrong, no excuses, and they don't change whatever it was.

When they really aren't turning from that thing, you can still forgive 'em, but you're not gonna trust 'em. So number seven, name their emotion. You validate somebody else when you can articulate to them that you understand how they feel. So here's some words and phrases to put in your tool chest of how to validate somebody.

So things like I can really. That you're frustrated or a phrase that I like is, I really sense in you that this is bothering you, or I really sense in you that you're really passionate about going on this trip. So I can tell is another phrase I can tell this is really bothering you. And then what people do when you validate 'em that way is they start elaborating and sharing more information and it grows and it starts opening up the whole convers.

And it doesn't close it off cuz you're validating. In fact validating somebody is always gonna open. Not always, but it's gonna give it a much likelier chance of opening up the dialogue and learning more about somebody else cuz you're showing value in them. Or for example, I told my daughter recently, she was really working hard on this project.

For school, and I thought she was kind of overdoing it with her perfectionistic tendencies. I wonder where she inherited that trait from. Hint hint me. But she was working on this project and I said, I can tell, doing a great job on the project is super important to you. And she didn't say anything to that, but I know it was the right thing to say.

I can tell and with, I told my daughter this recently about going to California for Thanksgiving and seeing her nieces, I mean, my nieces, her cousins, which she has such a great time with. You know, it really seems you're super excited about this trip, Emerson. And then one thing, she, she responded to that by saying, yeah, me and Bella and Ava, we've been friends our whole lives.

Right? You know? And I said, yeah, you guys have always been extremely close. You. And I'm so excited and I can tell you're excited to see them. And that just kind of opened up a conversation about family, which is really positive. Number eight. Ask questions. Ask questions. So tell me more. Put that phrase in your tool chest, in your tool, on your tool belt.

You know, it's like, it's like your hammer or, that's very interesting. When you say, that's very interesting, what are they gonna do that you're gonna feel validated and they're gonna share more with you about that topic. That's very interesting. So, Come to you and they say, oh, you know, I'm so happy that birdwatching season has started and I'm gonna go and see all these new birds.

And you're not interested in that at all, but you're interested in them as a person cuz you value them as a person. So saying that's very interesting is not a lie cuz you're interested in them, you're interested in the relationship and it's gonna open up the relationship if that is appealing to you.

You wanna check out the link 20 My 20 favorite questions to Ask Clients. It's gonna be in the show. Number nine. You wanna love them the way they want to be loved. That's gonna validate somebody. So I recently had a client who he likes hugs. He loves when his wife gives him a hug and gives him a back rub and gives him a foot rub and all that.

And he could have that all the time and everything. But that's not really that big of a deal to his wife. His wife really loves words of affirmation. She likes. Him leaving a note somewhere or texting him, you know, I love you so much. Or him sending him her a card even, you know, outta work or even sending her a card at home, you know, even to the home address.

You know, she just loves words of affirmation. And it might possibly be because she didn't get that when she was a kid. Who knows? But he doesn't want to give that cuz it's really awkward for him to give words affirmation. He's kind of a shy, introverted kind of guy. And so I challenged him. I said, you know, he said, well, I can give her hug.

And I can give her lots of hugs and foot rubs and massages, and why isn't she like that? You know, that she doesn't seem to respond to that. And my, my challenge to him was, well, love her the way she wants to be loved, not the way you wanna be loved. And so one thing I encourage all couples and families to do is make a list of 10 ways [00:20:00] that the other person can encourage you.

And you make that same list and then you exchange lists and then you keep that somewhere close like in your back pocket. Cuz if you really wanna have a great marriage, you're gonna pull that list out. Cause you're gonna forget cuz you leak, you know, you, you leak. Like we're gonna maybe leak when we're 95.

And worrying depends. But I mean, you leak, it's not gonna stay in you unless you reflect on. So remember those things that encourage and it, you can look and I'll put a link into the five love languages. You might be familiar with that. Just a brief article so you can love people the way they want, not the way you wanna be, loved the way they wanna be loved.

And number 10 is to paraphrase and summarize and so some phrases to put in your tool belt. If I understand you correctly, this is what I'm hearing you say, that's gonna validate somebody. So here is my understanding of what I'm hearing you. and then you summarize what you heard them say. Is that accurate?

It's gonna validate somebody. It's gonna give 'em a chance to correct what you just shared as well, if it's not actually accurate or if it's not really what they said. So check out in the show notes. It's a brand new post, I just wrote this. It's on a big mistake people make. It's these 10 validating tips and tools for you.

Also, my new course, shatterproof Yourself is. In the heavy production phase right now. I'm gonna be selling that soon, so watch out for that. Tell your friends about that. It's gonna be helping people on self care, resiliency, anxiety, depression, stuff that I want all of my clients, my live Zoom clients that I meet with all over the world.

Actually, it's the foundational stuff to great mental health, shatterproof. I told you I was gonna do an episode on sleep, and I told you it was gonna be this episode. I apologize. This is not an episode on sleep, but I'm gonna get to that episode on sleep. I'm also gonna get to an episode on getting to know your parents better, which I'm very excited about it as well.

I'm not sure if those are gonna be this year or next. What insight did you gain from this podcast today? What's your takeaway? What's one tool that resonated with you most? Apply that in the next 24 hours and teach. To somebody within the next 24 hours, just casually talk to them about it. Here's something I learned.

And tell 'em about what you learned. Adam's 30 70 rule, 30% of transformational change is insight. I recognize and get space, so I'm seeing clearly that I got a problem, I need to fix it. I got something I need to address. This isn't working. I'm invalidating, whatever it may be, but 80, but 70% of transformational change is action.

You gotta apply something that's gonna involve risk. Potentially doing things that feel awkward, that could, could get you rejected, could feel embarrassing, could feel unnatural. Check out the link again. Shatterproof yourself. You're gonna get those tools. 27 to 30 different tools. I don't exactly remember how many there are, but those are things you can apply today to start working on your own mental health, personal growth, everything right there.

If you're interested, you can hire me and my team to come speak at your workplace or over Zoom. Would love to engage your team. Make it your mission to live the life you want to be remembered for 10 years after you're gone. Now live your legacy. Now you decide your legacy. You decide your future, no one else.

I appreciate you greatly and I'll see you next time.