Ep60_MakeYourselfMoreAtrractive
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Adam Gragg: [00:00:00] So I've been single for quite a while. Over five years actually. And you know, I've had a number of first dates and second dates and things that, they're fun. You get to meet new people. I've heard some crazy stuff on first dates. I remember when I was doing a coaching workshop deal thing in Italy last year and people were asking me about like crazy things you'd heard on first dates and [00:01:00] everything.

And boy, I mean, I've had some people just, all they do is talk about alcohol on the first date. All they do is talk about their past boyfriends. They talk about, you know, Things, some all they talk about is like intimacy kind of stuff. You know what I'm talking about. I've had even a friend tell me like, on a first date, like she wanted him to fix her door, and that ended up being like, the majority of the date.

But that kind of interesting things. I will tell you that I've had a lot of insecurity on first dates at times and times. I've been really confident, you know, if I really like somebody, I cannot be myself. Say what I think they want to hear, not say anything. Assertive, not challenge. You know, or I can be the guy that complains.

I mean, I've been the guy that's complained and lamented about his divorce, things like that. But all of these things kind of boil down to fear, and they boil down to being safe, and we do things out of insecurity in relationships that we think, they keep us safe. And so we think they keep us safe, but they're really destructive.

And so today what I'm gonna do is talk to you about how to make yourself more attractive to others. And we're not just talking [00:02:00] about dating and romance here. We're talking about attractive drawing people to you who are platonic professionally. These are all the same kinds of things here. So I wanna welcome you to the Decide Your Legacy podcast.

This is the podcast that you do not just listen to. I'm your host, Adam Gragg, and if you haven't already done so, subscribe so you'll never miss another podcast episode on Apple or Spotify. Wherever you get your podcast content, take out your phone takes 15 seconds. It'll help the podcast to grow organically.

I also wanna encourage you to hit the link to shatterproof yourself. These are seven simple steps that you can take to decide your legacy. You won't wanna. Some risks I've taken recently as I've share in every episode. A couple things I've done is well. , I am continuing to do this thing where I go around and if someone knows all the nine planets according to their distance from the sun closest to the furthest, I'm giving 'em a $10 Starbucks gift card.

So I'm still going around and doing that and believe it or not, like most people do not know what it is, you know? So I've learned a lot [00:03:00] about astronomy in the process here and. I've also taken the risk by just letting go of my daughter when she's out driving. And that's hard for me because I want to go ahead and control, and it takes a lot of courage emotionally to just say, Hey, you know, I'm gonna trust her.

I'm gonna not say things like, be careful. Instead, I'm saying things like, go take risks. It's like the thing. I wanna say to people is go out and do something rather than be careful. We're here to be careful from a lot of people in our lives at a young age, oftentimes. So we don't, I don't wanna be that kind of guy.

so as you know, I'm Adam Gragg, a legacy coach, speaker, podcaster, mental health professional for almost 25 years. And my life purpose and the purpose of Decide Your legacy, my company, is to help people and organizations find transformational clarity, to face their biggest fears, which are usually emotional fears, so they can live and leave their desired.

Talk about things that you could describe to your six year old, and they're gonna be able to understand. They're gonna understand these concepts we talk about today. And I also talk about things I struggle [00:04:00] with myself. So I have insecurity, I do things outta insecurity. I don't wanna be that guy, but I get in that place sometimes and I wanna work on it.

And this podcast and doing this podcast helps me, not just my audience, listen today as a teacher, not just as a learner. So something today, take something away that you can teach to somebody. Here's some things that I have seen people do to make themselves more attractive to other people. And I'm not thinking here about, again, it's not physical attraction kind of stuff.

Wearing lots of cologne and having a hairy chest and having a mustache and facial hair and things like that. I mean, it's not what I'm talking about. You know, it's like attractive to other people. They will be drawn to you. I mean, it could be a romantic situation, but I see these things. over and over again.

When I'm at my best, this is what I'm doing and I can tell people are drawn to me. This is what charisma actually is. Charisma is some, is a way, an emotional thing that people are drawn to you. They like what you have to offer. They're [00:05:00] not pressured, they're not forced, but they just want to be around you.

They want to be in your presence. They're gonna learn and grow from being around you and they can see that. But to start right now, I want you to write down something that you do outta in. So is it that you talk too much and don't listen when you're insecure? Is it that you. or thinking about what you're gonna say in response to somebody else when they're insecure.

I know what, I'm really insecure on a first date. I'm thinking about my response. Or what am I gonna say that's gonna impress them? Or how am I gonna talk about my career in a way that they're gonna be like, oh my gosh, I'm so, I think you have such a great career. What am I gonna do? How am I gonna dress?

Or what do we do outta insecurity to try and please other people that we wouldn't do if we weren't trying to please other people and be ourselves? So think about that. What do you do and what is so? Write this down to what is something that you do when you engage with people that you relieve? Is drawing them to you.

It's a good thing. Are you a good listener? Do you smile a lot? Do you laugh a lot? Do you tell funny jokes? [00:06:00] Do you help people see their value? Do you encourage people? Do you listen well sometimes? Do you do fun things? Think about that. So let's go ahead and go through the content here. So how to make yourself more attractive to others, so they're drawn to you.

So one. You gotta be a jerk sometimes. I mean, this is, and people will define you as a jerk when you're assertive and when you share the things that are bothering you. When you ask for what you want, when you share an opinion, even if it's a controversial opinion, you tell people what the truth is.

So I was, and something I'm am gonna actually go and do is I'm gonna go and meet somebody that lives in Chicago. and it's, no, who knows what'll happen with it. I mean, it's a date kind of thing. I've just met her over Zoom. I met her through a dating app. And I, I think there's some promise there.

I mean, it's good. A lot of, not a lot of red flags in the relationship and things like that, but I've never met her, so who knows if the chemistry's there or not. And so I've booked a reservation to go and stay in a hotel and I was just looking online what was nice and everything. And [00:07:00] so my brother who's in travel.

Guy and my sister. So I was looking at the Trump International Hotel. My brother's like, oh my gosh. You know, make sure you ask if she's gonna be okay with you staying in the Trump International Hotel. And I'm thinking, I don't wanna date anybody that's gonna judge me by staying in the Trump International Hotel.

It's just a nice stinking hotel on the river. I mean, that looks like a great place to stay. I mean, we're not talking politics here, but I know people actually do that. And that would be a red flag to me if someone's gonna jump to a conclusion to judge me based on where I stay or judge me based on my political opinion or judge me based on not anything outside of merit.

I mean, That's where I want to be judged. So be assertive and stand up for yourself. Those are things that are attractive. It's this thing that I know that people who will stand up to me will stand up for me, and people who will be honest with me are people I can trust and they'll stand up for me.

So I remember one time too that I was on a date. I talked about dating things, but I just shared something really honest, and the person got very defensive about it and actually got up and was kind of threatening to leave. And I'm thinking, [00:08:00] dude, you know, I should have just walked out and left. I mean, it wasn't, not, not a bad person.

I'm not saying as a bad person or anything, but that kinda insecurity was a real red flag. They couldn't take honesty and they couldn't look at themselves and be grateful for someone with the courage to say, Hey, I'm concerned about this. And that's the kind of relationships that I want with my friends.

That's the kind of relationships I want with my family. People that are honest to me and assertive. So number. To make yourself more attractive to others is live your values, live out your values, take actions that align with your values. So one of my values is to live with courage. One of my values is intentionality.

One of my values is always hope and seeing things in a hopeful perspective. From a hopeful perspective. You know, I ran into this buddy, we met up, I hadn't seen him in probably 15 years. And his name's Chris. And he lives in Sacramento. Great. And we went to college together.

He was in a different fraternity at the University of Oregon than I was in. And we went out and got sushi, you know, with another buddy from high school that Christian and Christian's a CHP officer [00:09:00] Guy runs department and, and Chris had a real successful business. And so anyway, he brought up something, he's like, yeah.

And I remember when you were 21 and you stopped drinking Adam, and like the last couple years of college, like you would go out to parties and everything and you wouldn't drink at all, you know? That was so impressive. And that was so cool. And I was sitting there talking to him while I was actually sipping on a beer and I was kind of feeling like, oh my gosh, you know, like.

This guy had a lot of respect for me because I did something that was courageous and now he probably, but no, it's like I told you when I was 47, I decided it was okay to have a couple beers every now and then. And so I don't regret doing that or making that change, but I was living in a courageous way, aligned with my values at the time, which was to say because I had some paranoia about alcohol, just cuz of how I grew up and everything.

I'm like this isn't gonna be helpful for me. So I totally just cut it outta my life, which I think was a little bit imbalanced. But that was living according to my values at the time. And when you can do that consistently in front of people and you're gonna be attractive to them. I mean, somebody that says, just think about it. If someone has the values of waiting until they're gonna get married, that makes a woman or a man or [00:10:00] whatever. Very attractive because they have these, this value system that they're gonna say, this is more important to me to live the line with what I believe than compromising just for the sake of somebody else.

And then people have excuses like, well, you gotta test out the relationship, or you gotta make sure it works. And you have chemistry there and everything. And I think, well, you know, you're gonna test that out from a distance and you're gonna know somebody and then the love's gonna grow and think.

And so anyway, if you're living according to your values, great deal of respect for. People have a great deal of respect. I see people live out their values in the way they spend money, so they tithe or they give money to charity, or they live on a budget, or they invest money in their kids and not themselves.

Or they invest money in themselves in ways that is really nurturing and helping them grow, and you see them living and spending money in a way that aligns with their values. So making all kinds of decisions filtered to their values. But that is hard work right there. It's very tempting and easy to live a life that's not aligned with your values, but you will make yourself more attractive when you do so.

Hit the link again. I wanna share that if you have found this podcast content helpful, you're gonna really find the content in my [00:11:00] course. Seven Simple Steps to Deciding Your Legacy Even more Helpful. It's very in depth. There's a workbook that goes with it. These are simple things you can do to start building that foundation to decide your legacy, and it's gonna get you heading in the right direction towards the right goals, the right perspective, self-worth, relational health, emotional health, all that good stuff.

It's gonna change and transform your life. My purpose, again, help you find transformational clarity to face your biggest fears, to live and leave your desired legacy. So the third thing here that I find that will make yourself more attractive to other people, it's gonna seem counterintuitive, but it's to put yourself first.

Don't put yourself last. I mean, don't be letting people walk on you. Don't be putting yourself in situations where other people's needs are more important than your own need. Your own needs. That's not attractive. You're just giving and giving and giving. I mean, people aren't drawn to that kind of stuff.

When you see, and they see you having enough respect for yourself that you're taking care of your physical health and you're taking care of your emotional health and relational, you have boundaries and you're not [00:12:00] letting people walk on you, that's attractive and you're gonna stand up for yourself, and you're showing people that you're willing to stand up for yourself.

So you're having boundaries. And for a lot of people, that means cleaning up their life. Literally. I say to myself as a coach, I say, you know, I can't coach anybody further than I am living myself. So that motivates me. It motivates me to make good decisions with my health. It motivates me to get some sleep.

It motivates me to be social with people and not isolate. It motivates me to do all kinds of things in my life because I don't want to be a hypocrite and I don't do it perfectly and I make mistakes and I have bad days. But then I wake up and I start again and try to be gracious with myself, try to be forgiving of myself and.

Head in the right direction again, but I try to put myself first cuz I don't believe I can really love other people and help other people. If I'm not loving and liking and nurturing myself first, very difficult. The fourth thing that will make you more attractive to others is take risks. Do things that embarrass yourself or that get you [00:13:00] rejected or that gets somebody to laugh at you or to put you in situations that you would never like out of the ordinary situations.

Those things will help. and they're attractive. You're doing unique things. You're being yourself, and you have the courage to actually be yourself in front of other people. So you do something obnoxious on that first date, or you do something obnoxious at work, but it really is you. I mean, I had a client the other day say, if I be my real self, I mean, I'm just so awkward and people will reject that, and I'm like, you know what the reality is, is yeah, some people will, but the people that are good people that actually have a good high sense of self worth, they're gonna be attracted to you because you're willing to be.

I'm dead serious about that. You do the things that, are you people like that and they're gonna be attracted to that? Yeah. There are butt holes out there. I guess you can still share that word with your six-year-old butthole, but that are gonna judge you and criticize you and make fun of you, and they're gonna use it against you, whatever.

But who cares about them? Like what power do they have over your life unless you give it to them. Your reputation is not as important as you often think it is. I mean, it's important and people [00:14:00] judge and people have, you know, first impressions and this and that, and I'm kind of okay with that saying, oh, first impressions are everything.

But I don't really believe that. I think character is everything. I think consistency is everything. I think time is the only way you truly get to know who somebody is. It takes time to build trust. It's not this overnight type thing. They're gonna see how you behave over a long period of time. See how you run your business over a long period of time, and that's gonna change.

Your reputation, and so it's a lot less fragile than you actually think. Yeah, people can lie about you, make up stuff, accuse you of this and that, but have confidence in yourself and have confidence to take risks, have confidence to fail. And by failure I don't mean what most people define as failure.

There is no failure if you grow and learn from it. because you did something. The only failure is when you sit down and don't do anything. You know, there's some things, I'm reading this book that I've read a number of different times called Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. I'll put a link in the show notes to this, to this book.

But some of the points she makes at the beginning are things I try to think about consistently. Like one. is that the only way to [00:15:00] actually build self-esteem is to face your fears. And I didn't get this from her. I got it from who knows. I mean, I've, I've heard that from many different sources, but it's something I believe.

But the only way to build your self-worth is actually to take action and actually face your fears. And another point on that is if. , you're gonna go out and face something and challenge yourself with a fear while other people feel the same way you do who are doing the same kind of thing, you're not alone.

You may feel like you're alone, but you're not alone. And another thing too is it's actually much more scary and much worse and much more damaging to go ahead and isolate and not face your fears than actually facing them. It's actually a lot scarier to not face your fears in the long run. Dead serious.

Very true. Take risks. It will draw people to you. This third, the fourth thing is, As you put yourself first, as you nurture yourself, you gotta be yourself. And by being yourself, you're gonna be decisive at times cuz you are gonna have an opinion about things. I mean, people don't like wishy-washy, second guessing type people.

If they're always kind of, oh, I shouldn't have done this. Or, what do you want to do [00:16:00] here? You know? I mean, it's okay to listen and it's a. It's polite to say, you know, where do you want to go lunch? I get it. That's the hard thing about describing these principles, but you don't wanna always be that guy.

It's okay to say, Hey, let's go play tennis. Let's go play ping pong. Hey, let's go do this. Let's go eat sushi today. I really want to eat sushi today. And you look 'em in the eye and you say, and they say, okay, let's go eat sushi today. You know, it's not like, and if they're gonna go ahead and beat you over the head, I mean, sometimes, as I've met people online dating and.

I've noticed insecurity really quickly. Like if I take, if I, if someone says, Hey, can we text or talk tonight, or Zoom tonight or whatever, and I'm like, you know, I'd like to, but I got these other commitments, so maybe another time. And they respond back saying I totally understand, you know, and just reach out when you have some free time.

Like that's a really secure person. That's a confident person. If they take it personally, like, oh, you don't like me, you know, well, why don't you want to text with me tonight? You never want to spend any time. You must not really care about me. You must not really want to. I mean, that's total insecurity right there.

I mean, that's not decisiveness, that's not [00:17:00] knowing your value, because we're attracted to people who know their. They know they're worthy. They know they're worthy of love. They know they're not helpless. They know they're valuable. They're not arrogant though, you know, the ego tells us we're better than other people, or we're a piece of crap.

You know, we're no good. We're the, we're in the dung heap. You know, the real. Self-worth, self-confidence stuff is like I am good enough just the way I am. I've made mistakes, I have had failures. I can use 'em to help other people, but I'm good enough just the way I am, my quirks and all, and I can use my past, my passions, the things that I've done wrong.

All of those things I can incorporate into how I live my life today. And it's gonna come out because you have the courage to actually be yourself. So the fourth, fifth thing. That people do who really wanna attract other people to them is they are passionate about something, they have passion and they're willing to express that passion.

So maybe they're passionate about traveling, maybe they're passionate about going and trying new foods. Maybe they're passionate about their business and growing that business, and they're gonna show that it's not gonna be in a conversation. They're only just [00:18:00] talking about that one thing, cuz that would be pretty self-centered and not selfless.

And we don't wanna be selfless where we're. Where we're like kind of walking and letting people walk on ourselves, but be willing to have like a tennis match in a conversation. You know, someone's talking about what they're passionate about, you're talking about what you're passionate about, but to have a passionate thing that you're pursuing and to have a vision for your life and to have a life purpose that you're pursuing is gonna attract other people to you.

And then let's just talk about this physical attraction thing too, because yeah, there's gotta be physical attraction, a romantic relationship. But what I have found is that, you know, all these. And when we prioritize these things and don't take the whole person into consideration, we miss out on a lot of the, a lot of other great qualities that can slowly develop.

And I tend to kind of know when there is a lot of attraction and, but I don't always know because it can grow slowly as I get to know somebody. So you wanna be careful, but you want to jump to conclusions too soon. You also wanna look for red flags. I've shared with you a lot of red flags that you can see.

I mean, when someone [00:19:00] brings up in the first date that. It's all about alcohol. I mean, that's probably a concern. Or they bring up in the date, first date, all their problems. I know I went out on a date with a gal that was really first class person, think very highly of her, and after that date I asked to go out on a second date and she said she wasn't interested.

And then I asked why, which I felt like was a risk, and she shared with me that on the date, you know, you just talked about your divorce. , you had some healing to do before we could ever actually, or before you're ready to actually date. And I really. Heard that and I talked to her and I was texted, but I was grateful.

I mean, she was honest and she was open about it and it was like, okay, you are absolutely right. And I didn't even realize what I was doing at the time, but that's exactly what I was doing. I was getting absorbed in my pain and I wasn't actually being myself out of insecurity and just outta my pain. So I was living according to that.

So there's actually a, link to a popular worksheet. It's called knowing yourself, and it's a worksheet with questions you can answer about [00:20:00] yourself to learn more about yourself. And I'd also encourage you if you're interested to, you know, do a personality assessment.

You can learn about yourself that way so you can be yourself and align with it. It's not gonna be the, the answer to all your questions and I. Have this caveat with any kind of personality assessment is only take what really resonates and that other people can confirm that actually resonate with you.

So a lot of times you have to ask people, is this me? Is this what you see? Is this how you see me? Do you see me as this kind of person? My parents think I'm an introvert, which is kind of crazy and a lot of that has to do with some trauma I went through. That kind of made me introverted, honestly, as a kid.

And a lot of it has to do with the dynamics in my family because. Really none of my close friends that have seen the real me would ever say that I'm an introvert, . And so my parents even are shocked at times. And when I go and socialize in social situations, they see me sometimes interacting with strangers and getting out there and doing things that are goofy and everything.

Like, who is this person? And I'm like, mom, this is me. This is how I actually act when I'm at my best and when I'm confident. When I'm comfortable, this is actually me. And now they believe that [00:21:00] about me cuz I've had the courage over really the last five years. To help them see the real me.

And in a lot of ways, they're getting to know me. Although I left when I was 18. So I mean, you think, well, I haven't lived with my parents when I was 18. So anyway, and those things, I really wasn't myself in a lot of cases. I had a lot of fear up until age 18 that I let drive my life, which really led me to my profession and led me to me having this passion to help other people and to dealing with fear and to helping people deal with fear and to face their fears.

So I can say it's a good thing, but I can also say, you know, I'm learning a lot about myself and people have gotten to know, Close people like my family a lot more over the last few years. Think about something from today I'm gonna review. Here's the things that'll make people more attracted, more, attract you more attractive to other people.

So be assertive. \ it could come off as harsh sometimes. You're standing up. You're standing up for yourself. Live your values. Live a life aligned with your values. You gotta identify 'em first, which I can definitely help you as a coach or someone on my team can definitely help you as a coach.

Essential activity [00:22:00] to engage in is to identify your core values that are unique to you. You live aligned with your values and you don't compromise. It's not perfection. We all fail. We all make mistakes. You don't compromise. Put yourself first. Do self-care. Do the work to clean up your own life. Have the organization in your own life.

Don't be, you know, living with your parents when you're 40 years old. I'm telling you, that's not gonna attract anybody to you, especially a romantic relationship. Don't be living with your parents when you're 30 years old. It's not gonna attract anybody to you. Don't be letting. Tons of friends live in your house and family, live in your house without real boundaries and temporarily, or you're gonna be looked to someone who doesn't have the organization in your life that is not gonna be able to have a family and sustain yourself and to be attractive to healthy people in your life.

So you gotta clean up your life. Put yourself first. So take risks and take risks consistently. Don't just take a one risk now and then you're gonna kind of let go. I had one client today that made two really scary phone calls. I was very proud. He made two really scary phone calls to people professionally to reach out to get information.

And he [00:23:00] weren't, they weren't people he knew really well, but he got good warm reception from both of them. I asked him how he felt afterwards and he said, man, I felt great. And he set up coffees or meetings with both of them, and that is exciting. I mean, it was like he got information from taking that actual risk.

So then the last one is be yourself. No, that's not the last one. Number. Be yourself. So you gotta really be that true self of yours. And the last one there is to be passionate about something. So show your passion. Don't be afraid to let people see those passions in you. Be ambitious. Go out and fail. Do some things you know, be don't be the complaining person.

Don't be wishy washy. Give someone a hug. Don't hesitate. , give a family member a hug. Don't hesitate. Be confident. Believe in yourself. These are gonna make you attractive. You can work on all of these things. , you can, and I know and I trust that you will. So what is something from today that you wanna work on?

The thing that, you know, if you did this little thing, cuz change is not gonna be overnight. You may listen to this podcast and think there's a number of things I wanna change based on this. Cause I want to be more at attractive. I want to have this charisma [00:24:00] in my life. And you can change. I mean even these situations with people like, hey, The dates and things I mentioned with insecure or insecurities have come out from me.

Insecurities have come out from other people. People can change. It's not like they're the same person. They have to be the same person, but it's gonna take time and effort and consistency over time to see whether they really have changed or not. I have a lot of hope for people. I mean, I always hope is one of my values so that.

Probably puts me in situations where I trust people too soon before they've actually changed. But it is also a value that I have that I wanna live aligned with. So I wanna see that they can always get over that. I mean, insecurity doesn't have to drive everybody, and it may have driven them in the past, but maybe not now.

So you may have gone on a date with someone a year ago and you go on a date with them now, and they're totally different and they're, they're confident, they believe in themselves. They've worked through things. What are you going to apply from today to your life that would make the biggest difference right now?

And what are you gonna teach to somebody that you heard today that you want to learn and let sink in for you? By actually describing it. Discussing it with someone else. Don't be awkward about it. Just go say, I learned this thing. Or did you know? Or Have you ever [00:25:00] thought about this? I really kind of thought about this perspective that maybe I shouldn't be living with my parents anymore, or something like that.

But I'm not talking about living with your parents when someone's disabled. I don't think there's any problem with that. And I understand that's gonna happen and that's a great situation. And family. That's what family is for. That is a wonderful thing. I'm not talking about that. So what insight did you gain?

What tool are you gonna apply? What emotional risk are you gonna take? Because of listening to this podcast today, remember my rule, 30% of transformational change is getting insight, saying, oh my gosh, I got a broken leg. I gotta go to the doctor. I have insight. I gotta get that fixed. 70% is action. You will not change long term unless you take action.

Have me out to speak, or someone on my team is a link in the show notes to the workshops that I give. And classes that I give. I'm in the works of actually just kind of dreaming about a fear class that I want to teach in the community here. I'd love to get some feedback from you if you'd want to go to something like that.

It'd be like a one day or half day workshop on fear and facing fear, and I'm gonna sign off the way I do every episode. Make it your mission to [00:26:00] live the life now that you want to be remembered. For 10 years after you're gone, you decide your legacy. Nobody else. I appreciate you greatly and I'll see you next.