Ep61_WhatI'mMostExcitedAbout
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Adam Gragg: [00:00:00] I was searching for a new job in 2008, and I was actually unemployed for seven months. I failed. An aptitude test at a commercial real estate company. I failed an aptitude test at State Farm to become an insurance agent. I failed an aptitude [00:01:00] test at a family business consulting organization, and I felt like a failure.

Often. I had over 70 interviews. I remember keeping track and I did have some hope at the very end, but I got comfortable. with failure. Not at the first part of that in a good way, but eventually in a very positive way. I'm gonna talk to you about that today. Getting comfortable with failure. Getting comfortable with taking risks and potentially feeling.

So welcome to the Decide Your Legacy podcast. This is the podcast you do not just listen to. If you haven't already, subscribe so you'll never miss another podcast episode. If you've found this podcast helpful in the past, pull out your phone. Take 15 seconds, give us a rating and review on Apple or Spotify, wherever you get your podcast content.

That helps it grow and reach more people organically and help more. A couple risks that I've taken recently, which I do every episode. The reason I share these risks is because risk. [00:02:00] Getting out there, taking action is 70% of change. 30% is insight. So one risk that I took is I did a training for a company and one of the people in the audience had been involved in improv and I was in Chicago not too long ago, and I went to Second City to see a show and it was really cool and fun inspiring.

And she had been taking improv classes. I didn't know that. I didn't even really know her. And over the lunch break we were talking and I was interacting, and then she was talking about some improv activities that are really good team building activities. And I said, Hey, will you lead? your group through this activity, and she said yes.

And it was like I had to let go of the training, which I was the one being paid to do this thing and facilitate it, but I did, and it went really well, and it gave me a great new team building activity. Another risk I took was I reached out to a friend from college who, I haven't been doing this kind of frequently, but I had this random thought.

Remember when we had to wear all of our clothes backwards for the initiation week at the fraternity? And so I just texted him that I said, been wearing any clothes backwards [00:03:00] lately. And then I also said been sleeping on any cold concrete floors with 20 other teenage boys lately, . And he said he just laughed about it cuz initiation back when I was in college.

I would say that, we got away with a lot of things that you couldn't get away with now, but it was a great experience for me and I have some great, great friends from. Being at a fraternity in college. So I'm Adam Gragg I'm a legacy coach, speaker, podcaster, mental health professional for almost 25 years.

My life purpose is helping people and organizations find transformational clarity that propels them forward to face their biggest fears, usually emotional fears, so they can live and leave their desired legacy. I talk about things in ways that you could describe them to your six year old and they can understand the.

I also challenge you as a listener to listen as a learner in a way where you're going to teach something that you hear and learn today to somebody else in the next 24 hours. It'll help the content to stick [00:04:00] more. I also want you to think about as you go through this, to know that this is a podcast that you take action on, and so you're gonna have chimes to actually write some things down or in your car, speak it into your phone.

What I want you to do, first of all, is to do one of those actions. So I want you to think about what is your definition of success and just jot some things down. What is success to you? Cuz people have all kinds of different definitions and you can even listen to the last podcast where I talk about what successful people do and you can be successful in so many different ways.

It's an internal thing. I know that I am living a successful life. So what's your definition of success? Then after that I want you to write down what is your definition of. And I know this may take some more time after the podcast, but just jot a few things down for me. I, you know, wrote some things down for my definition of success, living life and not hiding out, challenging myself, not giving up, living out my life purpose.

And then I wrote down my definition of failure, and I wrote down, That it's living life and not hiding out, [00:05:00] challenging myself and not giving up . It's very similar to my definition of success. So it in me and to my actual, my perspective, it's if you're facing things and moving forward and heading in the right direction, regardless of whether you get the outcome you want or not, you're still, you might be failing by not getting that outcome, but you're still learning and growing begin.

You're being success. So really they're so close in my mind. And I will tell you that most people are more afraid of success than they are failure cuz they get those words sort of confused. Cuz success means change. It means living differently. It could mean a higher income, it could mean a more a more satisfying job.

It could mean success in your business or getting married or having children or going on vacations or whatever. Having healthier friendships and relationships cuz which could have more expectations put upon you to maintain those relationships or challenge your sense of unworthiness because you're building friendships, you're building strong connections, and then you have to deal with that insecurity as well.

So success can be scary. So here's five [00:06:00] ways that I will challenge you, that I get excited about failure because of these five things, and you can do this in your own life. So number one, how do you get excited and get comfortable with failure and the good kind of failure? Because the only real failure is when you don't learn and you give up and you live with a feeling of helplessness because you're not taking any action in your life, and then you grow old.

On your deathbed, you have this regret that I didn't live this life that I could have actually lived. So number one is work on your mindset about failure. So I'm challenging you right now to change your definition of failure, cuz there's really two different things there. I mean, what does failure actually mean?

So my mindset towards failure is that I gotta keep moving forward. I gotta keep pushing through. In fact, that fear to think. Failure. It makes me wanna turn around and go in the opposite direction and hide. But on the other side of that pain, on the other side of trying is our growth and our success and our expansion.

So I had a rough weekend and it was rough because I was worrying about my daughter quite a bit. I was having trouble [00:07:00] preparing for this training that I gave on Monday for this workshop that I gave on Monday. I was having trouble focusing because I was so worried and it was consuming me. And then I thought for a moment about canceling it, like I was gonna make up some kind of an excuse.

I knew I wouldn't actually do this, but say that I was worried about my daughter and that. She was needing me and I can't actually do it. Can we postpone it? Which is not a good thing to do when you're being paid, but I'm sharing that to tell you that the fear never actually goes away. Whenever we're growing, we're pushing towards fear, and that's one of the truths about fear is it never really actually goes away.

And it's also something that if you wanna get rid of it or if you want to overcome it, you have to face it. You know, another truth is that it increases your self-worth and self-confidence as you face your fear, and that's really the only way to grow long-term self-confidence.

And then if we're challenging ourselves on the other side is growth, but everyone else who is challenging themselves is also feeling fear as well. So we can relate and connect with so many people because they're facing their fears as well. And facing my fears, and this is the thing, the perspective thing here [00:08:00] for me is it's much worse and it's gonna be much worse long term if I don't face my fears and anxieties in my life than it is to just go ahead and do it right now.

The pain right now to get rejected, to have someone say no or be embarrassed. You know, to feel like you failed and to get the outcome you wanted is much less painful than living with this life. This life now where you feel like you're helpless and you have no power. And then 10 years from now, or five years from now, or at your deathbed, you know, you're feeling like I didn't live the life that I wanted to live.

That's gonna be much, much, much worse. So when I think of my mindset towards failure, is that okay? I can. Whatever comes my way, I'll get through it and I'll grow as long as I don't give up. And I've had some stuff that has been really stinking challenging in the last five years of my life. And I've had moments where I didn't see the hope, I didn't see the light.

I never gave up. I had friends that helped me never give up, but there was not a whole lot of hope. It was a very little bit of hope, and they were able to help me to get it to grow again. So the second. To deal with [00:09:00] failure is do something hard, do multiple things that are hard at the very beginning of the day, so one right when you get outta bed, and if it's a work day one, right when you get to work.

And if you're a stay-at-home mom, it's one right when the kids come up. But it's something that's hard, that's challenging you that you know you wanna address that you know you want to face. And so you go ahead and face it and it's scary, but it's starting to show you that you can face your fears and it's starting the day off with.

Overcoming something right at the very beginning of the day could be that you go and work out, and that is actually a fear because you don't believe you can do it or you're gonna feel uncomfortable at the gym, but you start doing that in the morning. Or it could be that you're eating breakfast and you haven't been eating breakfast, and now you're starting to.

And most people wouldn't think that's a fear, but some people have fears. That we don't necessarily understand. They're gonna be different for everybody. And who knows, maybe they have problems with their stomach and they go to work and they get nervous after they ate. So they're taking a risk because they're dealing with this issue and facing it.

Something [00:10:00] that we need to know whenever we're dealing with fears is that it's very easy to cherry pick, you know, like we are gonna be challenged to grow in a certain area. Yet we, all we focus on is the negatives and things that could go wrong. So that's the third thing that I want you to think about here, is to remember past failures and how you've actually grown through them.

and that can help your perspective. So we cherry pick, like I said, just the things that can go wrong or the things in the past that have actually gone wrong or how everything has not worked out. And that can be based on trauma. So relationally if our parents got divorced or if we had a very difficult relationship or someone abandoned us as a child, a parent, or.

A father, then we can look at other relationships and say, Hey, I gotta stay and keep my guard up and not really let my guard down and trust because I've been hurt in the past and I'm gonna be hurt in the future. So it creates this confirmation biased, and relationships become hypersensitive. So we see and sense rejection when they're not even.

Rejecting us at all. I mean, it's not even in the ballpark, but they're perceiving [00:11:00] things that way. So remember your successes from the past, and I can think for myself that I was absolutely terrified of seeing clients when I first became a mental health professional and one of my closest friends. is starting a second career actually as a mental health professional.

He's gonna start, he is starting to see clients as a practicum student. And I remember when I talked to him and try to really remember, gosh, it's a reminder that I'm more comfortable now. I started off as a novice and I'm a lot more comfortable in that situation. I'm a lot more comfortable as a coach and more confident, but it's not that he can't have confidence, but that helps me to remember that I've gotten through.

Certain things in my life that have helped me to see that I can grow, it's not a failure as long as I keep trying. So remember past failures and how you've grown through them, and I can think of that job situation. Eventually. I did land a good job. Eventually. I didn't fail all the aptitude tests.

In fact, I probably never have passed an aptitude test. Honestly. I think I'm just bad at those things and I don't think they're accurate related to. [00:12:00] Honestly, cuz I've had many people that didn't hire me well, I can think of at least a couple, I'm exaggerating, that came back and wanted to hire me after they had seen some things in my career when initially they hadn't hired me based on a test.

Don't put too much weight in those things is what I'm basically telling you. So if you found this podcast helpful so far, I want you to hit the link to shatterproof yourself. This is a online course brief. It's seven simple steps to deciding your legacy, and you get to learn the things and discuss.

I discussed the topics that are gonna help you to create a foundation to building your legacy. Number four is to do some fear stacking. I'm just made up that word today. You know, it's based. on The concept of habit stacking. So Aristotle, quote, we are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not, is, is, is a habit, is not an accident, but it's a habit.

And habit stacking means that if you have one habit you've already established, we'll add another habit to that. So very basic one is if you brush [00:13:00] your teeth, floss your teeth, when you brush your teeth. . When it comes to fear, I can think of habit stacking situations. So at the end of every day on my way home, or right before I leave the office, I try to reach out to somebody professionally that I'm scared to reach out to.

So I make a call to a potential company, I make a call to a past client. I make a call asking for a. Testimonial for my website. Try to do something that's scary so that closing of the day ends with something scary. And then I'm inspired and energized for the rest of the. day That's something I've been doing for a while.

Really as I think about it, it's been on my mind for probably a decade, and I don't practice it perfectly. Again, make it a seven. It's not perfection. It's direction. Done is better than perfect. Some is better than none, but I do something. And so what could that habit stacking thing be for you? So you already have this habit of maybe getting all your work paperwork done.

So what's a fear or scary or emotionally risk [00:14:00] risky situation you could engage in at the end of the day that you're gonna associate with this habit you've already formed? For example, maybe when you brush your teeth, you also call a friend and you're not comfortable doing that. Or maybe when you floss your teeth, you also ask for help from somebody if that's on your mind that you need some help.

So it just reminds you that if I need some help and wanna get some advice or feedback, I can reach out. Right now. It prompts you to think about things in a different way because you already have this actual habit in your life. So I want to, the fifth thing to. To start getting comfortable, more comfortable with failure is to start planning it into your day plan.

Specifically, actions in your day that you know are scary and intimidating and that you're gonna be, it's gonna trigger that emotional, strong emotions because these fears and these strong emotions like fear and rejection and sadness sometimes for people [00:15:00] and feeling embarrassed or feeling. Feeling not listened to.

Isolated, lonely, those can be so massive and strong. And you look at feelings of going on a scale one to 10, you may feel a level of sadness when you had your sister die in a car accident or your father die of even natural causes. You may feel the grief and sadness at a nine, and maybe somebody else passed away and you didn't really get past a five.

So it's a tricky thing sometimes where we can feel anger and it can be rage, you know, it's like at an eight or it can just be irritation and frustration, which may be a two or a three. But you're gonna plan some things into your day that are going to be scary. And remember that the emotion can be so strong.

And that was the point I'm making. It can be like, it can be like riding an elephant. You know, you're guiding the elephant, but this elephant is massive. It's huge. It's just crazy, incredible elephant. [00:16:00] And you are actually feeling so overpowered and overwhelmed by that emotions that the only thing that's gonna get you to actually engage in it is an act of the.

So you're, you're learning to put things into your day. So if you plan it. Cuz I remember a situation in college where I had a crush on a gal and in fact a number of situations where I would just put it into my calendar that I am going to call them. Cuz we didn't text or email back in 93, 4 5

So we had email, but it was towards the end of my college bachelor's degree. And. I remember putting it in my calendar and I would just say, I'm going to call at this time. I'm gonna call at this time. And I was terrified of doing it. And then I would procrastinate and I wouldn't call and I'd look at it and I wouldn't call and I'd look at it and then I'd be nine o'clock or I'd make an excuse and I'd call my sister.

I'd call all these other people. I'd get distracted by guys in the fraternity, do whatever I possibly could, knowing that goal was on my. I'm gonna wanna do, I wanna do this thing. I'm committed to doing it. And then I'd make the call like late, you know? But even if it was at nine 30, I'd feel energized and it wouldn't [00:17:00] necessarily always go well.

It would sometimes go, well, hey, we could go do something together. Or inviting 'em to a dance, which we did that a lot in college and it had something to do with somebody. I had generally like a. Crush on in some way, but you learn to plan it into your day. So I try to do, and I would encourage you to do two scary things every day.

Not just one, but two. Because I'm telling you that the very first thing in the morning when you outta bed is a time when you can do a scary thing and the very first, right when you get to work. It could be, but then you gotta do what's natural. You gotta know when it's gonna actually fit, so you can fit it in somewhere, but you're knowing it.

Then knowing and having it planned into your day so you can, is gonna give you more self-accountability. And I will tell you that my. Accountability a lot of times is my calendar and my schedule and my to-do list because I do sense. Some negativity towards myself. And really, I get energized when I get things done, when I don't get these hard things done, especially if they're emotionally phobic.

You know, if it's something that's triggering me emotionally [00:18:00] and I avoid it, then I don't feel energized. And so the six thing actually was gonna just hear five, but I have one six thing here too. So make it, if you're gonna become comfortable with fear, make it so that. You have comfort for that fear and that things are as easy as possible to address the fear that you face.

When I do scary stuff for the first time, I will usually tell a family member or friend about it and that I'm gonna contact them right when it's done and sometimes during the break. And so I've had times where I've called my brother. I've had times where I've. Good friend. I've had times where I've called my mom in certain, my dad in certain occasions, in certain situations.

So make it, make your schedule so that it can fit the fear into it. So after those emotionally challenging things, you have some level of support. So if you get rejected and you're in sales and you have 10 sales calls and not one of them actually goes well, you just being able to talk to your friend who's going through the [00:19:00] same thing, maybe they're in sales as well, or you being able to just tell somebody, Hey, I.

You know, and I went through with it. It didn't go exactly how I wanted it to, but, and then they can give you some encouraging words or just maybe they listen to you, but it can be extremely helpful. So you make it easy for you to fail because you're creating some comfort in your life and it can become more comfortable, and I guarantee you it'll become more comfortable as you actually do it.

There's a link in this podcast to two worksheets. One of them is called the Dear Man Assertiveness Worksheet. It's from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. I did not come up with this. So it's a concept that can be extremely helpful when you're facing relational strug, relational fears, and you can use the worksheet to write out how to have a really positive interaction on a topic that's gonna be.

To discuss with somebody. And the second worksheet that I'm gonna give you is scary actions you can take. And as I've talked to clients and gathered information and talked to friends and people, these are some things that could, you could work into your life that would be scary, emotionally challenging.

And you can engage in [00:20:00] them and then see that on the other side is growth. And you can just a checklist. It's checkbox checklist that you can have and take with you and use and talk to your friends and give away. To wrap up this topic though, the great thing about all this, cuz I was gonna say a seven thing was gonna be self-worth, but all of these build your self-worth more than any other concept that I can think of.

Build your self-worth. I mean, it is one thing to look in the mirror and say the four things that you like about yourself, which I'd encourage all of you to have and I've identified. But it's another thing to actually go and take action as somebody who likes. Or herself who loves himself or herself. And you do these scary things because you don't really care about the outcome cuz you like yourself regardless of the outcome.

And you're gonna believe in yourself regardless of the outcome. And even if you fail, you know you're gonna pick up the pieces. There's so many people who have had a successful second or third business, but not the first business. In fact, it's pretty rare on your first try to get it right. And I had a buddy.

[00:21:00] Actually a coaching client that was telling me about the failure of his first business and he, that's how he defines it. I don't see it as failure by my success. Well, I do see it as failure, but I see it as a good kind of failure and one that he learned from, and he's pushed through, but we were talking about him creating a second business and I mean doing it again basically.

And he was sharing all these things he'd do differently and he would talk to people and get more information and. Beforehand and have a business plan. And he'd have a lot slower on the initial process and he'd have more money saved and all this stuff. I'm like, man, you're gonna succeed in this second try cuz I know you have it in you.

I know you're an entrepreneur, I know you're creative. And I could just see his eyes light up cuz he could see how this failure was not really a failure. It was leading him towards success, A path, a step towards success. And that's how you build self-worth and self-confidence, the best thing you can ever do.

So again, link to the worksheet, shatterproof yourself. I want you to think about something from today. That resonates with you, one of these six steps. I'll go over them with you briefly here. So number one, work on your mindset about failure. Define what failure actually is and make [00:22:00] it so that it's something that's inspiring, not something that's discouraging so that you can lean into it.

The second thing is to do something hard. The first thing in the morning or the first time right when you go to work. The third thing is to remember your past failures and, and how you grew from them, whatever it might be, because you didn't run from it, you faced it and it was hard. At the beginning, just like it is for my daughter who's learning how to drive.

I mean, she actually has her license and she's driving really well, and she's texting me when she gets to different places, and a lot of the time well, sometimes when I think about her driving right now, it's based on when she first started, because we would just go and drive in high school parking lots and middle school parking lots and on side roads and things.

And she had a lot of insecurity. I mean, it was a new thing, a new thing for her to learn. . So it takes time to face our fears. It takes time to learn anything. But remembering how you grew through the past situations in your life will inspire you to create this fear facing lifestyle. And then this fear stacking or habit stacking concept.

So think of something, a habit you already have and add a fear and make that a [00:23:00] habit that you're actually addressing something. And then learn and plan, learn to crave it by planning it actually into your day. So do that ideal schedule. And then where might those, where might those anxiety provoking.

Things fit into your schedule so that you enga, so that you engage them, just plug them in right there into your schedule, and then the sixth. The sixth thing that I mentioned is that you end up, well, I said self-worth is one of them, but you find a way to make yourself more comfortable with fear. So maybe it's even sitting on the couch in a comfortable chair while you make a difficult phone call.

Who knows? Or getting a more comfortable chair at your office. Just tell your boss that you need a more comfortable chair than you get more sales calls done. So, which of these do you wanna apply to your life and which are you gonna teach to somebody in the next 24? What insight did you gain from today that resonated most with you?

Remember my rule? I'm gonna call this. This is, this is a principle, really more than a rule, but 30%. This is Adam's rule. Adam's principle, 30% of growth, transformational growth [00:24:00] is going to be, Insight, you're gaining insight into yourself just like you're doing from reading a book or listen, listening to this podcast.

And then 70% of transformational growth is going to be from taking action. So what action are you going to take in the next 24 hours in addition to teaching a concept to somebody to change and transform your life? I'd love to come out and speak to your team. Would love to actually have a chance to do that over Zoom or Live.

Live is great as well, and I would love for you to check out my YouTube channel as well. That's been growing. I've been posting new content there every week, not all of it is stuff that I talk about on my podcast. I'm gonna sign off the way that I always do, make it your mission to live the life now that you want to be remembered for 10 years after you're.

You decide your legacy. Nobody else. I appreciate you greatly and I'll see you next time. [00:25:00]