Ep63_GetOutOfYourHead_full
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Adam Gragg: [00:00:00] So on Halloween, I walked into this cigar shop. It's on a golf course. It's near where I live, and it's a bar and a place you can hang out on the golf course and everything. But I walked in dressed as an old man. I have an old man costume, a fat suit, and I don't look anything like myself whatsoever. And I remember having my walker and getting out of the car, and it was during the day and I knew some of my friends were gonna be hanging out in there.

[00:01:00] and then all of a sudden fear just took me over and I was gonna just get in my car and go home, but I said no. And I went in and I acted like this old man, rusty for about a half an hour and had some people go in and I even said like, where do the single older women, I have an old man voice, where do they hang out?

You know? And they were kind of rolling. We made some great memories. I think I scared a few people. I think some people think I'm kind of weird, but you know what? I am weird. And that's okay. I, in that situation got outta my head. I was trying to get, I was starting to get into my head, but today we're gonna talk about four steps you can take when you get stuck in your head, when you get stuck in this fear and this worry.

And so I wanna welcome you to the Decide Your Legacy podcast. This is the podcast that you do not just listen to. And if you found this podcast helpful and haven't already subscribe, so you'll never miss another podcast episode. And then pull out your phone, take you 15 seconds, give it a rating and review on Apple or Spotify or anywhere you listen to your podcast content.

That helps it grow organically and it helps it reach more [00:02:00] people. So it starts, p starts popping up on those services so people can see this content and get their hands on it and actually grow through it. So a couple risks I've taken recently. I'll tell you how to do this because, and I share this with you because I wanna challenge you to get out of your self and to take risks, cuz you, that's how you're gonna grow.

Nothing's more important to good mental health than not playing it safe. And the reverse is true. You know, nothing's more damaging to your mental health than living in fear and safety. Adam's 70 30 rule, 70% of transformational change is action, 30% is insight. So a couple things that I did well, I saw this police officer at Starbucks walking by, and he was looked a little bit, kind of, you know, mm, not real friendly, but I said, Hey, officer.

And I waved my hand. I said, Hey, can you come talk to me for a little bit? That kind of thing. And I said, you know, thank you for your service. I really appreciate all that you do. And then he kind of warmed up to me and smiled. And then we knew somebody. I knew somebody that he knew and he was in the same class and he was a young guy.

Really good, positive interaction. Kind of weird at first, but I was really glad that I did it. And then another situation, I was actually at that [00:03:00] same cigar bar. No, I don't smoke cigars every day. I smoked cigar maybe once every two, three months. But I hang out there sometimes. And do paperwork and things.

And I was working on a project after work for about two plus hours and I was just in the zone, working, working, working. So then I wanted some social time, so I saw some guys hanging out looking like they're, they were having a good time and it's a place called the Humidor. So anyway, and so I just decided to go over there.

and say hello and sit down. And I don't know what I said. I said, you know, you guys, this seems like a talkative bunch, something like that. So they asked me kind of who I was and what I did for a living. Had a great conversation. I asked one of the guys, I said, you know, what do you do? And he told me he helps charities and things like that.

And I said, well, what'd you do before that? And then he said, well, I was the mayor of Wichita and I live in Wichita. A big city. And so his name's Jeff. And then the guy sitting next to him, his name is Brian and he's actually running for mayor. He's a city councilman for the area that I actually live in Northwest Wichita.

And just had a great time with him laughing, getting to know him. And so [00:04:00] it ended up being a real positive experience, but it was a risk that I took that led to that situation. So I'm Adam Gragg. I'm a legacy coach, speaker, podcaster, mental health professional. For over, actually no, for almost 25. And my life purpose is helping people and organizations find transformational clarity that really propels them forward to face their biggest fears, which are often emotional things in their lives, not skydiving, which is less scary to most people than actually meeting somebody new or.

Taking an emotional risk where they can get rejected so that people can live to help people to, to face their biggest fears. They can live and leave their chosen legacy. I talk about stuff that you could describe to your six-year-old and they can grasp and understand these concepts. And I also talk about things that I struggle with myself.

I'm a fellow traveler. I challenge you today to listen as a teacher, not just as a student, and to teach something that you've learned today. Some insight that you will learn today to somebody else in the next 24 hours. Have you ever read a book, gotten to the end of the page and didn't remember anything that you actually just [00:05:00] read, or have you ever been in a conversation and you're looking at 'em eye to eye, yet you're not grasping and processing anything the other person is actually sharing with you.

Those are examples of being stuck in your head. When you're stuck in your head, you're stuck in fear. You're trying to solve a problem with a solution that's not actually gonna help you solve the problem, because there is no solution inside your head. You have to get out of your head. The fight, fight or freeze response.

When we're stuck in our head, you know, we think we're in danger. And so we become hyper aware of everything that could possibly go wrong, all the negativity. We're just living in our cerebral brain area, and we try to control, that's why we think of how we're gonna respond in advance before we actually listen.

We think we're focusing on reading the book, but we're really worrying about things that are going on in our lives and other parts of our lives, like our kids, our marriage, our job, that sort of thing. So I call this brain lock. When we're in brain lock, we actually become more entrenched in bad habits that we've formed, and they can be [00:06:00] personality traits.

So we isolate more. If we're introverted, we become insecurely social. If we're extroverted because we feel it's gonna help us, and then we actually push people away. So as I've done another episodes, I want you to start with an action and. Again, is the podcast that you do. So what are situations that leads you to being stuck in your head?

Potentially common situations are these specific people. Business situations, interacting with the opposite sex. If you're single, are they sales type situations or you have to promote yourself in your business. So write some of those things down. You know, if you're in your car. Just speak it into your phone or pull over and write it down on your journal.

I want you to start thinking about those situations where you get triggered, where you have brain lock, cuz we're gonna work through that today. And by the end of the episode, you're gonna have four steps you can take to get outta that brain lock, which I know you can do. And you can do really in any and every situation.

Some situations are harder than others, but you can start the process of getting out of this in any and every situation. Second question I want you to answer is, what would your life [00:07:00] be like if you had very low anxiety in these social situations? That are triggering for you. So what would your life be like?

Or who would you be? How would you act? How would you interact? And you can think of it as if I was really confident in these situations, then how would I interact with people? What would I say? What would I do? Jot those things down on your journal or write 'em somewhere. Speak 'em into your phone. So here's four steps to getting out of your head.

And we're not talking about prevention here. We're talking about you're in the moment noticing that you are getting stuck in this brain lock, anxiety, fear, and you want to get out cuz you don't wanna ruin the social interaction. So, but there are preventative things that can create a situation where you're much less likely to be stuck in your head.

And that prevention, I'm not gonna talk about much today, but a few. Just having a healthy lifestyle, getting enough sleep, drinking enough water, having healthy relationships, laughter, humor, having healthy mindset, understanding your damaging core beliefs, and learning how to replace them with healthier core beliefs, which I talk about in many of my episodes.

Accumulating positives in your life, so your hobbies and your interests, and doing things that [00:08:00] are. Living a curious life where you're learning and growing, those are all preventative actions that you can take that will help you to not be as likely to get stuck in your head when you're tempted to do so in these triggering situations.

So number one, step number one is just notice that you're being stuck in your head. Notice it. An activity I like you to do right now and I've done this with so many clients, I can't even count. But just put your hands to your face, open your fingers and do it in such a way just like this, where you can see out through your fingers, but they're impeding your vision.

Now, slowly lower 'em down to your side, and this is what being stuck. This is an illustration of being stuck in your head when you're stuck in your head. Basically, everything centers around your brain, but you can't see anything clearly. And you know that because you know your brain's not functioning as well.

You know you're not as social. You've lost your sense of humor, you've lost your sense of creativity, you know that you don't solve problems. And you know that internally that you're not at a healthy spot. But you wanna get out of it. I can think of many times driving over to the studio to do this podcast that I get stuck in my head, what am I gonna say?

I'm gonna say the wrong thing [00:09:00] this or, and so I have to practice this consistently. And I think at times I really don't do as good a job as I do at other times. Sometimes I just kind of rush right into it, which is one of the things and one of the ways to get outta your head, which I'm gonna talk about.

But just notice it. Notice how your body is changing, how your breathing is changing, how the content of your thinking is changing, how it's very fear based. Just notice it and then say, Hey, I'm stuck in my head, or this, there goes that anxiety again, or there goes that fear again and be kind to it. Don't judge yourself, but just notice.

Become aware. When I'm gonna prepare to speak and I notice myself going over and over the content again and again, I'm over preparing. That's when I'm stuck in my head, or if I'm going on a date or meeting a new person or going on a second date, you know, that's very tempting to wanna get stuck in my head.

How can I plan this thing perfectly, make them like me, so to say. and I had a gal recently tell me, she went on a really, really good first date and then she has some anxiety about the second date because it was so good on the first date. She's [00:10:00] worried and thinking, well, how can I make that as good as the other one?

And I said, well, where'd you leave off? And she said, well, you left off just laughing, having fun. It was really great connection. Well, why can't you start there again? Well, because I'm gonna think about it. I'm thinking about it now. And so we talked about some of the same content. So step number two is you have to get it out.

You recognize that you got something in your head and it's keeping you stuck, but you gotta get it out in some form or fashion. I mean, one great way to get it out is to talk to somebody about it. So you have your trusted friends. I call these my monkeys, and I go and talk to them and say, Hey, I'm really worried about this situation.

And you really open up about it and tell 'em and be vulnerable. And then whatever feedback they give you can give you a new perspective to see that there's a different way of looking at this situation. You know, it could be direct encouragement like, you've done this before and I know you can handle this, or Here's what I would do in your situation.

End up letting go and who cares? And like, as the cliche goes, you know, if you're, it's meant to be, it's meant to be relationally. So then you can think, well, I can go in there and you know, totally be anxious or whatever, and have this horrible conversation. But if it's meant to be, [00:11:00] it's meant to be. I mean, they'll see that part of me, they'll understand me better.

They'll know that I do have this struggle, and they can show compassion for that. Or they can see you get out of it. And say, maybe you get tempted and you can get out of it. And then that builds the relationship as well. It's kind of like conflict, you know? We can think conflict destroys or damages relationships when generally it's a catalyst in healthy relationships to go deeper and to the next level.

And to have this next and to see that you can work through things together, which bonds people. So you get it out in some ways. You can do that as talking to people, but you can also do it if you don't have people around. You can do it through journaling. So you can just write about what you're afraid of.

What is that thing that you think about right now over and over again that you're anxious about? And then you can answer some simple, basic questions like what is, what's the worst possible outcome? In this situation, if it goes wrong, how will I handle it if the worst possible outcome occurs and you write that down, when you see it on paper, it's clearer.

When you see it on paper, oftentimes we can look at it and say, I shouldn't be worried about that. That's [00:12:00] not really that big of a deal because we're looking at it concretely on paper. So another question is, what evidence do I have that this fear is actually gonna become? Reality, and you probably have some legitimate evidence, but you also probably have a lot of evidence that's not legitimate or that you think is evidence from the past or other situations is that you're cherry picking cuz you've had success, but you're not really focusing on those things that are actually successful and.

Related to that fear that you have. So you've gotten over it before, you've dealt with these things in the past well, or you know that it won't be as bad as you think it's gonna be, or it's just not that big of a deal. You have a way to think about it differently. And then how does it benefit me to think this way is a great, let's see, what's the payoff?

You know? And the payoff is gonna be safety, but just seeing that on paper that I'm trying to stay safe, I'm damaging my mental health by playing it safe, by taking the path of least resistance that can change people. Just that one activity. I'm gonna give you a link in the show notes right now to an article that I wrote about what to do when you're emotionally overwhelmed.

These are very basic things you can do in the moment, like expanding your time horizon, [00:13:00] reading, organizing, thinking about a hobby. Getting physically active. Sometimes when I'm anxious and stressed at home, I have these 20 pound barbells and I'll just do curls for a while and then I'll do, I'll do military press with the barbells for a while, and I'll just do it maybe for two minutes.

Or I'll do pushups and sit-ups, or I'll do some yoga poses. It's usually upward dog and downward dog, and then I'll kind of shake it off and I'll physically do that sometimes. Just shake it off and then I'll focus back on what I'm doing. You can't do that in the middle of a date, I get it. You can't do that in the middle of a speaking event.

You can't do that in the middle of a business meeting, but you certainly can take a time out or say, I have to use the restroom in some of those situations where it would be appropriate, or you certainly can wait for a break and then when you get to that break, you can apply these tools or you can apply the tools in the actual interaction.

Most of the tools you can apply actually in the interaction just for a moment by changing your focus. So there's things you can do with breathing, for example, in the moment, like I've said before, [00:14:00] you take a four second in breath and a six second out breath, a four second in breath, and you count it in your mind.

A six second out breath. That's a minute exercise activity you could do in the moment that can actually get you from this sympathetic, which means fight or flight, freeze, state to parasympathetic, rest and digest kind of. In the actual moment, so you get it out in some form. It could be journaling, it could be through talking to somebody.

It could be through exercise, it could be through some kind of, you know, strenuous activity. But step three to getting out of your head and those moments where you're really getting stuck is to choose to be grateful, and this is a mindset you have control over. We have so little control over most things in our lives, but our mindset we do have a great deal of influence on it can be very hard to change, but it is absolutely possible.

As I shared last podcast, I had the most tremendous fear of flying for probably a decade, and when I. , I noticed every possible thing that could go wrong. I would do whatever I possibly could to avoid flying, [00:15:00] but now I have absolutely no fear. I mean, I would say on a scale one to 10, it's like a one, I mean to say no fear.

It's like, okay, I'm aware of what's going on on the plane, but I just don't have any anxiety. I have fun.

I mean, I get so much productive work done when I fly now cuz I isolate and I don't have wifi cause I don't buy it on the plane, which I think is a great thing. probably one of the reasons I'm productive on a plane. So you choose gratitude and you gotta notice the little things and train your brain and notice the little things in your life that you can be grateful for.

For example, you know, just a sunrise or a sunset, or the fact that you can use both your hands. Or the fact that you can, that your car is paid for or maybe just that you have great kids and have unique personalities and you see these things or you just like seven up like I do, and you get to have one today or have one later today, or you get to have a great meal later today.

You build in gratitude and that is often anticipatory gratitude because there are things you're looking forward to that you're excited about, which I would encourage everyone to start their day with some anticipatory gratitude that's part of my daily five and five where. [00:16:00] Things plan in your day, you're anticipating are gonna be fun.

And if you don't have those, you put 'em on your schedule. A new activity that I just recently was exposed to that I found really helpful is, and you can do this right now if you're in a safe place, but you just close your eyes and you breathe and you let yourself select five things that you're really grateful for, and the more minute.

Trivial the better actually, cuz it's training your mind to see those things that are small, that you're really grateful for. But they can be big things as well. And then you say those in your mind. So once you've selected five things, you just say 'em in your mind. I'm grateful for my dog. I'm grateful for my job.

I'm grateful for my car. I'm grateful for, grateful for the Kansas City Royals. I'm grateful for the Oakland A's, that's for sure. I'm grateful for the Sacramento Kings. You know, I'm grateful that they're winning lately, and whatever it is, you think it can be very trivial. And then after those five, you let it keep going, so you naturally let whatever other things come up that you're grateful for.

And so I'm reading a book. It's called The Tools, [00:17:00] and the author is Stutz and he's a psychologist. He calls this the Grateful Flow. I'll put a link in the show notes to this book as well. It's good book and there's a documentary on it where Jonah Hill is his client and he interviews his therapist.

I thought it was really helpful and interesting. So, and then you let this gratitude as your eyes are still closed, you let it start to become an energy that radiates out from you and even can radiate out towards your enemies, towards your activities, towards your life, towards your office. But this is the grateful flow, and you can do this in a minute or two.

And I've been trying to practice this. I know that sounds kind of weird and new agey, but it's not. It's just. An activity of building gratitude into your life that you can do in the moment. So those five things you imagine, then you let more things come up. So you get to 10, 15, then you stop it, and then you let the energy radiate out outward.

And then even I was thinking, you know, if you can let that energy, it's kind of like forgiveness. If you can let that gratitude and those blessings and whatever you wanna call it, radiate towards like your enemies or people that have betrayed you or hurt you in your life, then you are gonna prove to yourself, you can have gratitude in any situation.

Even the most [00:18:00] difficult, anxiety provoking situations that happen in your life relationally, where you're really locked and have brain lock, you can still choose to bring up this gratitude. And so I'm gonna give another link to this article that I wrote, my 25 favorite gratitude building Questions. , you wanna check that out.

Some really good things you can look at. And then you can even memorize some of those. I have some of 'em memorized and I have 'em on a bookmark. I give to clients who come visit with me locally, and I can certainly send it to you if you wanted to see the bookmark in a PDF form. But I look at that and some of these I have memorized, you know, what am I grateful for in nature?

That's one of the ones I'll go to. Or what is something that someone has done for me recently that has improved my life, or who is somebody that I can thank later today? And I start thinking about how. Thank or shared admiration or appreciation towards that person. And so I mean, that's something I challenge you to do is to work that into your gratitude practice as well, is to work in telling people that you appreciate and admire and are thankful for them.

If you found this podcast helpful so far, you do not want to miss my new video and [00:19:00] workbook. It's shatterproof yourself and it's called Shatterproof Yourself. These are seven simple steps to deciding your legacy. So it's about 45, 50 minutes long. There's a workbook and it is gonna be life transformative material.

If you apply it, you know there's no silver bullet, there's no magic pill, you're gonna have to take action. The last number four is of getting outta your head is take bold action. Take bold action. I like how Tony Robbins calls it massive radical action an MRA, a massive radical action. So recently this same gal that had told me that she was anxious about this second date, and I was talking to her in a coaching session and we were just processing through this information.

She said, I asked her, well, how did the first date go so well and, And she said, well, I got these new glasses and I had only actually had phone conversations and then one zoom call with this guy and I didn't have my glasses on. And so these glasses are brand new. He had never seen me in these glasses. And so I walked into this [00:20:00] restaurant and she was sitting at the bar in the restaurant and I asked, you know, can I sit next to you. And he looked at her and he said, no, I'm waiting for somebody. And then she went ahead and sat next to him and he was taken off guard. He didn't know really what's going on here. This strangers just sitting next to me. And then, so this really uncomfortable 30 seconds went by and then he looked at her and said her name are, And Yes I am.

And you know, then they just busted up laughing and had this, it really broke the ice of the conversation because it started off with her taking a bold action, cuz she could have just said, well, no, that's me. You know, I mean, you don't recognize me, but I'm wearing my glasses. But instead she played with it, you know, she rolled with it and she fed into it and then had a great time doing that.

She said it was uncomfortable because, He didn't know who it she was, you know, and that seat was reserved for his date, and as far as he knew, it wasn't her . So that was a massive radical action. It may seem kind of small, but it was a risk. Just like me going in, dressed up in a, as an old man into this cigar, [00:21:00] sh, lounge, bar, restaurant place was a risk.

It was a bold action. So is it a sales call? Is it asking somebody out? Is it ending a relationship? Not ghosting, not taking the easy way out. You ghosting chickens out there. Making a budget could be a risk. I mean, it could be a massive radical action if you're not somebody who controls their spending.

Cutting up your credit cards could be a massive ra, could be a bold action. Being assertive with somebody telling them how you really feel about them not using cuss words. I'm telling somebody you care about 'em. Reaching out to an old and rekindling an old relationship, but it's an action. You know, something I'm gonna do today is I'm going to leave here and I'm gonna take a massive radical action to me, and it's just gonna be simply sending out an email to a bunch of old college buddies and people that I would never actually reach out to.

And it's gonna be through a Facebook page that I've set up for the guys that are alumnis of my fraternity, and just seeing, hey, you guys wanna get together on, and I'm gonna give him a Sunday at a specific time that'll work for everybody.

[00:22:00] Grab a drink, grab something to eat, and we'll all just meet over Zoom and have a social hour. And then just to see who goes and comes and not worry about it and just kind of let go of the outcome. So to take bold action, it's a requirement to let go of the outcome. Cause you can't control the outcome.

But that's gonna lead to the change. And so you're gonna say, I'm gonna get ahead of this fear. So you get stuck in your head. And the step to get ahead of the fear by taking the action is gonna give you a situation or a circum. It's gonna change things for you cuz you've, you've shooken it up. Just like she did on that very first date.

She shook it up by taking a risk. I talk about that all the time with clients. I have clients do this in my actual office, so there's actually a link in the show notes too, to link. It's to scary actions that you can take, and it's just to get you started to think about some of these scary actions, some of these massive, radical actions that you can take.

So it's calling somebody, it's talking to somebody new. It's starting that. Putting that product out there and you're gonna get outta your head. So you got four things right there. So you notice you're stuck in your head. You name it, [00:23:00] Hey, I'm feeling anxious. My inner roommate's talking to me. This soundtrack is wrong.

I'm gonna change the soundtrack. You get it out somehow to a person by journaling, by taking, doing some self-care type work. You get it outta you. You notice it, you get it out. You choose gratitude. Intentionally choosing some gratitude to start masking that fear and overpowering that fear and giving you some hope.

And then you won't ever actually have transformation unless you take some kind of action. So you take a massive radical action, you take a bold action, and that'll get you outta your head. At any and every situation. It's gonna be different. Based on the circumstances and that specific situation that you're in, but just knowing you have these tools that you can look at and say, here are some steps that can get me out of this place that I don't wanna be in cuz it's so uncomfortable and you can definitely do it.

So what resonates most with you today from this topic in the next 24 hours? I would challenge you to teach something from today to somebody else. Do it naturally. do it spontaneously. Maybe that's the massive action. Maybe that's [00:24:00] the bold action you gotta take and you can take. So take an emotional risk based on something that you learned today.

Remember my rule, 30% of change. Transformational change is insight. You're gaining insight today through this podcast. 70% is action, maybe even more than 70%. Have me out to speak to your team over Zoom or live. I'd love to get out there and I'll sign off the way that I do every episode. Make it your mission to live the life now that you want to be remembered for 10 years after you're gone, you decide your legacy.

No one else. I appreciate you greatly and I'll see you next time.