Ep65_KnowYourFamilyFriends_full
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Adam Gragg: [00:00:00] My primary care physician recently retired, and so I found a new primary care doc who I went into for a physical a couple weeks ago, and he was asking me a bunch of family history questions, mainly health related, but he also just asked about real, I was kind of surprised, but he asked just about life events in my family and it made me have some questions, start to have some [00:01:00] questions about my mom and my dad, and so I decided to ask them some questions about where and how, how they grew up, things that came to mind actually.

New family practice Doc was interviewing me, was talking to me, getting my health history. And so I thought, okay. I asked my my dad about his growing up in Visalia and then I remembered for a moment there that, you know, his sister told me when I was talking to her a couple years ago that he almost died when he was six years old.

And I'm like, dad is, how'd you almost die when you were six year old? Six years old? And he kind of rattled off this very crystal clear memory of. Waving to some friends and slipping and falling in a creek and then grasping onto some grass and everything. Kind of fighting for his life to get out cuz he did not know how to swim and then making it out alive.

And it was like he was there. I mean, he was just describing it as if it was yesterday. Life is fragile. I've had so many clients in in the last year, but just over the last 25 years. Tell me [00:02:00] about abrupt deaths of siblings, children, parents. Just recently, a client's parent passed away and I. Those moments.

I am reminded of how fragile life is, and today what we're gonna talk about is how to get to know your family and close friends better. How to do that. You would think I would know this kind of stuff as a family therapist with my own family, I would actually know them really well, right? But that's not the case.

It's hard to get to know your own family. I don't have my family therapist hat on when I'm talking to my family. So welcome to the Decide Your Legacy podcast. This is the podcast that you do not just listen. If you found the podcast helpful and haven't already, make sure you subscribe so you never miss another podcast episode.

Pull out your phone, take 15 seconds giving a give me a radium review on Apple or Spotify, wherever you get your podcast content. That helps it to grow organically, which it has significantly. I'm gonna tell you about a couple risks that I've recently taken. Well, I went on a cruise with my daughter and actually we went to Florida to see some [00:03:00] cousins and we stayed with them for two nights.

It's a first cousin of mine who. I know, well, I grew up with her and, but it's been a long time. I'm almost 50 years old, so I haven't really been around her a whole lot over the last 30 years, believe it or not. So got to know her and her family and it was a risk. It was great. I had made some great memories also.

I played in a poker tournament on the cruise ship, and I wasn't going to do this. Not because I, did it be not because I wanted to make a bunch of money or because I'm big into gambling. I did it because I'm insecure with playing poker. These were gonna be all strangers. And I kept feeling that fear inside.

Say, don't do it. Don't do it. You know, it wasn't about the money I got fifth place outta 10, and if I would've got first place, I would've won some money or second place. I would've won some money. But I didn't win any money. I lost money, but it was a great experience. I'm Adam Gragg. I'm a legacy coach, speaker, podcaster, mental health professional for over, for almost 25 years.

I started actually in 1998 and my life purpose. The purpose of decide your legacy is to help people [00:04:00] find transformational clarity. Kind of clarity that just gives you energy to move forward, to face the scary things in life, your biggest fears in life, so that you can live and leave your desire, your legacy, I mean your desired legacy.

So you can live and leave that desired legacy that you have inside of you. And I talk about stuff that you can describe to your a six-year-old, and they're gonna be able to grasp these topics as. I also talk about topics that I struggle with myself, and I am a fellow traveler. I don't have it all figured out.

I'll challenge you as you listen today to what I'm going to discuss. Listen, as a teacher, not just as a consumer or a student, okay as a teacher, and think about things from today that you will teach at least one thing that you will teach to somebody else in the next 24 hours to help them and to inspire them.

Something you learn from this content. This is a podcast that you do like I said, so I wanna start with an action. What is the real [00:05:00] issue for you here when it comes to going deeper with friends and family? What is the real issue for you? I want you to write that down somewhere and to think about that as we go through this content.

And if you are saying yes to getting to know your family and friends, close friends who I consider family in a deeper way, then what are you saying no to? In order to do that, what are those bad habits? What are those numbing behaviors? What are those things in your life that are distractions that you're gonna say no to?

So you can focus on these things where you go deeper with other people, with these close family and friends. And then who is somebody that you wish in the past that's deceased or whatever, that you wish you would've gotten to know better, or someone you wish you would get to know better now? And write that down and think about that as we go through this content.

So I have not lived at home since I was 18 years old. I went to college right away and I never actually moved back. I mean, I've gone back for holidays and things, but I haven't lived around my parents for a long time. And so when I'm [00:06:00] around family, which I was around my brother and his girls and his wife and his extended family over this past weekend in New Orleans, and I'm an extroverted, goofy type person, and.

Am acting as myself, my real true self. And people see that a lot of my close family, parents and siblings. It's like, who is this person? And even cousins like, who is this person? Cuz we didn't know this person. In fact, my one cousin in Fort Lauderdale, Nikki, she said, I like this new Adam. And I said, this is always who Adam has been, but Adam had a rough patch is what I told her basically. And so this is me. And those are things that connect people together. And when we talk about getting to know family, a lot of times, or we talk about family issues, people focus frequently on problems. And what we're gonna do today is talk about solutions.

Solutions that are going to help you grow closer to these people and these relationships and connections and how you can make them deeper because they're super important. And it may be even [00:07:00] relationships that you think are so. And that are fractured and there's so little trust involved because of whatever, a will or a misunderstanding or something that happened in the past, and you feel as if there's no way to repair it.

Well, I want to challenge you to think differently about it, and when you think about the solutions and how you can engage the solutions that are talking about today, you can think about this opportunity ahead. Not, not the obstacle, it's gonna be the opportunity. So one, have lots of fun, make lots of memories with your family, create experiences.

So one time in, I was probably 19 or 20, it was my, it was the summer between my freshman and sophomore year in college, and we decided as a family, cousins, and my dad and my brother, and. uncle to hike Half Dome, no, sorry, pyramid Peak. That's half dome I did last summer. That's a Yosemite Pyramid Peak. This is in Northern California, not far from my parents' houses.

And it's an over 10 mile hike and it's an over 37 foot elevation increase. And I decided this little smart [00:08:00] atom that I could go and do this hike with only a 32 ounce bottle of water. And I just convinced everybody because I'm special that I did not need any more water than that. And so we go on this hike, we make it to the top, and I'm begging for water.

All right? And then the way down, I'm just begging for water from people, I mean like from strangers. And people in my family laugh about this today because , they are like, you were so stubborn in that situation, and it's a positive memory and a funny thing now, it really wasn't at the time, but how can we find and make.

Experiences with people. I have family vacations that have gone on to Maui and Pismo and skiing adventures with friends and family. Like I said, I hiked Halff done with my good friend Alan over the summer, and we've talked about that on so many occasions. And those are opportunities where you can connect.

And have these natural organic times where you can ask questions. So on hikes and walks and playing golf with my dad and playing golf with friends, those are times when I've actually gotten deeper with other people because it's natural organic opportunities to ask questions. So, second thing you [00:09:00] can do to better get to know your family and your close friends is to create keepsakes or treasures, things that you're gonna keep.

So I have some keepsakes in. Well actually the drawer of my dresser, but I have been safe as well and things that I've been given. One is my grandfather's watch from the railroad, which has been very moving to me cuz he had such a huge impact on my life. I know that I made a calendar for everyone in my family this last year and gave it to them.

I did forget my sister's birthday unfortunately. But these might seem like very basic things that you give to people and you give to your family and you give to your friends. But there are inspiring. Pieces of information that you can, they can treasure and, and hold onto and save. I like to save pictures that my daughter has drawn.

I like to save photos and so you can create picture books. There's some great resources for doing that. You can use Apple, you can use Shutterfly. I mean, there's a number of different resources where you can actually show a vacation, have a book for that vacation, or Mother's Day, father's Day, your college days, your high school days, so you can have framed pictures that you give to people.

Yes, people [00:10:00] love pictures cuz they remind people of that experience and that memory. I've been working on a. Family recipe book. Really been working on it for about two years now, and I've collected recipes from my family and I'm putting that together and I'm really gonna work on that over the next six months to get that done.

So it's ready for Christmas next year. But I have also been working and thinking about creating bookmarks for people, friends, and family that actually highlight that person's positive qualities that you, maybe it's my brother's birthday and I give a bookmark out to everyone in the family that has his.

Types of things on there, and favorite quotes and, you know, pictures of him and funny things about his life. And it's just a cr, a treasure, a keepsake that you actually have things that you can engage in consistently. And I know having events that are planned with your family, which is I think one of the great things that's happened out of the.

The whole Coronavirus pandemic and everything is that people have started to connect remotely and virtually, and I know that can be kind of too much and people are working remotely. There's some damage to that. I'm not saying that's a long term solution, but I will say that for me [00:11:00] and my family, we have had chances to celebrate birthdays over Zoom, which we have never done before.

We have had chances to actually create college, college buddies. We've had chances to create, just get togethers to watch. Just a talk and gonna look at pictures from college and slideshows and we even have something come up coming up where we're going to get together and people are gonna bring a snack and a beverage and watch some golf and talk and chat.

It's all over Zoom cause these guys are all over the country from the fraternity that I was in. So excited about that. But these are all things that you're gonna build and opportunities to go a little bit deeper. So you wanna link in this podcast, I got something that's called 25 Ways to Build Healthy Relationships.

And this is something that you're gonna find as a very helpful resource. Third thing to do to go deeper. And again, these are very basic things, but they're meaningful and very significant. So be there when your family needs you. Sounds pretty basic, but I'm saying if your, if your family needs you, And it's one of those moments in life that you know, it's doesn't happen very often, but, and your friends need you and they're going through something [00:12:00] rough, be there for them so they lose somebody close to them or they go through a custody battle or there is a divorce or a major health issue, or it's a wedding or a funeral.

Don't miss out on these opportunities to connect, it may be inconvenient, it may not seem like the easiest thing to do. I know one of my good friends from college had a destination wedding in, in Mexico, and I went to that and I'm so glad I actually did. And it's, it's hard and challenging cuz you gotta take off more time.

But don't miss these opportunities and I've done it. I've had a situation than I've regretted really for the last. 15, 13, 15 years probably, you know, where I missed a very good friend's wedding and I could have made it, but I made excuses in my own head about why I couldn't attend. Then it was, I mean, the excuse was I was unemployed and I was going through a lot of challenges, but I still regret it and it motivates me to think that I don't want to be that guy that ever misses the most important times in people's lives.

[00:13:00] So my friend that had a stroke, my dad, when he had surgery on his face, I made it a priority to be out there and my brother, when he had a really significant life challenge going back in nine in 2001. And these are things that. I feel, and I'm not trying to pat myself on the back, but I'm giving you examples of things that are gonna happen in your life where you can be there for your family and friends and where it may seem challenging to do so.

But I highly encourage you for your mental health and for theirs to actually go ahead and do it. And it's gonna be a risk, you know, like I've said before, you know the. The worst thing you can do for your mental health is to play it safe in life. And one of the best things, probably the best thing you can do is to take, be vulnerable, take these calculated, yet they are going to be potentially situations where you get judged or rejected or hurt, but you're putting yourself out there and trying these new things and you're reaching out in a very unique, in a different type of way than you have done before in the past.

So it's a risk to you, it's a vulnerable [00:14:00] situation to you. So if you found this podcast helpful, Please hit the link. Hit the link to shatterproof yourself as seven simple steps to deciding your legacy. It's a workbook and video that you will not wanna miss, and the only way to get access to that is by subscribing through this link.

So the fourth. Thing that you can do to get to know your family and your friends better is to go and interview them and ask them questions and be curious. When I was 25 years old, I decided to interview all of my nuclear family. So my brother, my sister, my mom, and my dad. Actually, you know what, I didn't interview my sister.

She's reminded me of that. I still need to, I mean, even though it was 25 years ago. So I also interviewed, interviewed both of my grandmothers at that time. Because they were both living, and so I have these all on VHS tape, which I need to convert over, but I know I have a couple copies of this where I've interviewed them and is something that I've not really looked at a whole lot, but I know that as time goes on, and I really would love to do this, I know [00:15:00] Emerson would probably get a kick out of this, is we go and watch these videos and I'm asking him very specific.

In detailed questions about their lives. And so you can go ahead and do this yourself. So, and what you want to do, what I suggest that you do, and with technology, it's so much easier right now cuz you could do this over Zoom and record the zoom call. You could do it over, you could do do it over Riverside, which is something that I've been just starting to get to know.

You could do it live if they're in person or you videotape it with your iPhone or your phone, and I love to give people some questions in advance. That they can think about and prepare for, and then to have questions, and I'll tell them this in advance. I'll tell them there'll be some spontaneous questions as well.

So prepare to answer these. There'll also be some other spontaneous questions and so some que some questions, some great questions that you can actually ask your family. And I'm gonna link to a brand new post on this. These are 40, sorry. These are 30 excellent questions that you can ask your family to get to know them better.

So it's, that's not the actual title, but that's. Content is all [00:16:00] about great questions to ask your friends, closest friends and family to go deeper with them. And so some of the ones I like, here's well pre, kind of basic, but your first job and your worst job. An impactful childhood experience. So what was an impactful childhood experience that you had Dad?

What was an impactful child experience you had, mom? Or what was the biggest challenge in childhood? What's the craziest thing you've ever done? , what are some pranks that you played on people when you were in high school or a teen? That's a great question. At least it is if you ask me. Cuz I can give you quite a few and I've done some really stupid ones as well, which I regret and I wouldn't reproduce today.

What are your favorite memories of me? So you can ask questions of family that are actually gonna be about you, which I find is really interesting. So what are the favorite qualities or your, the talents that you see in. That you appreciate or admire? What are things you admire about? I mean, those sound like I'm asking, looking for compliments.

That's not what I'm trying to do here. I'm trying to [00:17:00] get the conversation to go deeper so you can understand their perspective of you and they can get to know you better. So it's a dialogue and interviewing is a skill. I don't expect this to be very natural at first, but it's gonna get better as you actually do it.

So you start with probably the easiest person to interview. Maybe the one you're most comfortable with, and then you keep going from there. So how did you and mom meet? Okay, that's a good one. If your parents are married, even if they're not married, if they're divorced. How did you meet my mom? Great question.

What are your biggest fears? What do you think the greatest invention has been during your lifetime? Kind of a cool question. Boy, that'd be tough for us. People my age and really my dad's age, who turns 84 next week. What is your most embarrassing moment? That one's kind of interesting. I think there's probably gonna be multiple, many of them.

So what are three of your happy, the happiest times in your life, and they get to talk about that. Describe a moment in American history that you'll never forget. Great question to ask. Have you ever had a [00:18:00] run in with the law? That's a question I want to ask my dad, . So almost guarantee he has, but he hasn't told me about those things.

I know. He was kinda wild after high school, that's for sure. At least that's the way he's described. So, and you could ask me those questions as well. And so I've think there's excellent questions you can an you can ask and have fun with it because it really is a fun activity. So what is it from today that resonates with you the most?

In the next 24 hours, I want you to talk about and teach something that you learned today to someone else. Just describe it to them. Hey, I learned that it'd be a lot of fun to interview my family so that people when they're, that family is gone, life is short. That they're gonna have the opportunity to get to know them through a video.

If you some kind of a interview or a memento or something that's gonna remind you of them. What is something you could do? So I wanna review this again. So make memories, lots of fun experiences, find ways [00:19:00] to create lots of fun experiences. I mean, I think over the last two years, some of the memories I've gotten to make with my daughter have been, and my sister and my brother-in-law, and my brother, and my mom and my dad and some friends are, are just over.

I mean, it's been a great couple years as far as making memories, and I'm just very grateful for all those experiences. So make some memories, have lots of fun experiences, create keepsakes. Things that you're gonna treasure you don't wanna throw away. So these picture books and recipe books and bookmarks.

And if you just randomly text a friend a picture, Hey, look at this picture from 20 years ago. Nice hair deal, great thing, a coffee mug. I mean, you can look and find different things, different ways of actually creating family treasure. And treasures with your friends as well. Things that you can use to remember these great moments and just the relationship that you have built that helps you to actually go deeper, be there for them when you need, when they need you the most.

Don't miss these opportunities to be there. You know when they are, trust yourself, [00:20:00] which as I've said before, the antidote anxiety is trusting yourself. Trust your own instincts and follow that and do it, and don't get stuck in your head where you're overthinking and you're doubting and you're second guessing yourself.

Go with your intuition and follow that, even if it means missing work, even if it means canceling appointments. Be there when your fam, when your friends and your family need you the most. And the last one is interview them. Get to know them, film it, record it, and take the time to. Don't wait, don't wait.

Get these questions organized. Check out the article as well, so you'll get some questions that you're gonna wanna reference as you interview your family and friends and have fun with it. So, Adams 30 70 rule, 30% of transformational change is insight. You're gaining insight today through this podcast, but 70% is action.

People ask me sometimes, how do I overcome depression on anxiety? It's common, common question that I get, and the best answer that I have is, you have got to take some action. You can't think your [00:21:00] way out of a thinking problem. You can't transform your life without. What action are you gonna take based on today?

Have me out of have to speak live or over zoom. You can link to a list of the training topics that I talk about frequently in the show notes as well, and I'll sign off the way that I always do. Make it your mission to live the life now that you want to be remembered for 10 years after you're gone, you decide your legacy.

No one else. I appreciate you greatly and I'll see you next time.