Ep91_Ego_full
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Adam Gragg: [00:00:00] Over the weekend, I was kind of a fool. I saw this business owner that I hadn't seen, who I hadn't seen in a while, at Starbucks and she was with somebody else that I didn't know. I said some things to impress her and her friend, who I didn't know. It was all about me and my image. It was me propping me up and it was my ego.[00:01:00]

It didn't actually help me. It damaged me and it damaged Or could damage a relationship. I don't believe it did in this situation, but it can damage a relationship. So welcome to episode number 91 of the Decide Your Legacy podcast. Today I'm going to talk to you about how your ego is your enemy and four things you can do about it.

There is a book called Ego is the Enemy by Ryan Holiday. It's a great book. And so I'm adapting, kind of borrowing the title, but Your Ego is Your Enemy. So if you found this podcast helpful, subscribe so you won't miss another episode.

Please give it a rating and review on your iPhone, on your phone, whatever it is, Apple, on the app, Apple, Spotify, wherever you get your podcast content. This helps the Decide Your Legacy podcast grow organically because it shows up in people's feeds. And people get to see, see it, and it can reach more people and help more people.

So I'm your host, Adam Gragg. I have been a legacy coach, writer, speaker, and licensed family therapist for over 20 years. My passion is helping others [00:02:00] find the confidence and clarity to face their biggest fears so they can live their legacy today. And then therefore leave their legacy. I talk about stuff that I struggle with myself.

I don't have it all figured out. I am a fellow traveler. Something uncomfortable that I've done recently and I share this scary thing with you because nothing is more important to your mental health than facing your fears and nothing is more damaging than playing it safe. So I saw this police officer.

And I walked right by. And then in my gut, I said, I want to talk to that guy, but I was afraid. And I went back and I did. And I saw he was drinking a power kind of energy drink and I asked him about it. And he told me what it was. And we had a good conversation and it was really positive. He was very friendly.

He didn't look really friendly at first, but he was really friendly. And we connected. It was a great situation. Great guy. Stuff like that doesn't seem that scary to me now. It was scary, but not nearly as scary as it was in the past. Because. It's something that I've been practicing. So this is the podcast that you do, not just listen to.

My listeners get uncomfortable too. So let's go ahead and [00:03:00] start with an action. What types of people and situations trigger your insecurity? Your ego. So this is where your ego kicks in and you do something to impress or to sabotage. You're the best in the world or you're a piece of crap. So I was insecure at Starbucks, my ego kicked in.

So what are those types of situations for you? Is it authority? Is it people with more education? Is it people that you perceive as better looking or younger or older or having more challenges in their life or less challenges in their life? Who are those? What are those people in those situations that trigger you?

And what are. It's a recent situation where your ego kicked in and, you know, you didn't say something or you did say something. You shied away out of fear because you didn't feel worthy or you made yourself, you propped yourself up so you could feel superior to somebody else. The ego is the part of you that's rational, it thinks, it makes plans, it worries, it perceives reality from the prism of I, me, and mine.

That's the [00:04:00] kind of perspective. It's self focused. It exists in the material world, and it knows that it can be hurt and will die. So therefore, the ego, it focuses on safety and self preservation. Primarily, and the primary emotion of the ego is fear. Let me say that again. The primary emotion of the ego is fear.

That's how you know when you're being ego driven. That's one of the keys to knowing. So the self, the self is much greater than the ego. It actually contains the ego. Think of the ego as a very small black dot in a much bigger circle. The circle is the self. The ego is that black dot. The self is the greater, sphere and it thinks of itself in terms of we and us, you know, therefore it connects with others.

It acts out of care for others. From the self come your vision and your dreams and your intuition and your gut and your ideas and creations. You know, you think of great artwork that comes [00:05:00] out of the self. So, Leonardo da Vinci's great piece of work, The Last Supper, comes from the self. You connect to art, art takes you away from the ego towards the self.

Nothing can harm the self, it's immortal, and the primary emotion of the self is love. The primary emotion of the self is love, giving back. The problem is, we operate out of the ego. Because our world is centered around egocentric behavior. So you think of the comparison trap. Am I good enough? Do I have all the accolades and performance and prestige and looks and image?

That's ego. Two egos can feed off each other and they feed off each other's fears. So think of political conversations or conversations about who's right and who's wrong. It can easily trigger the ego and people get sucked into the drama. Like I did at Starbucks, even though she wasn't sucked into the drama, I was sucked into the drama.

My own insecurity. The problem [00:06:00] is that it will create distance in our relationships. It will create distance from our true self. And it damages your life when you're consumed by the ego. The benefit of getting out of your ego and connecting with yourself is you start to understand your true purpose, your value.

You realize that you have everything you need, that you are okay, that you're confident, you can be confident, you're good enough, you can handle it, you have so much to offer, you are worthy, that comes from the self, you are unique, you are valuable, you can create new things out of the self, you will not create good works of art, or writing, or encouraging words, or know how to help somebody in an inspiring way out of the ego.

For If you do, you will fall down flat on your face. You cannot do it out of the ego. You can only do it out of the self. So let's talk about four things you can do to get out of your ego and towards yourself. So one thing you can do is you can do something kind for somebody else. It takes removing [00:07:00] your own agenda and inconvenience and becoming A giver rather than a receiver all the time.

It is better to give than to receive. It empowers you. I have voicemails that I've saved from my dad encouraging me during very hard times in my life and they're a minute to two minutes long and I have those and I can listen to those and they're inspiring and encouraging when I'm at a very Tough spot.

I have memories, I mean, really, literally hundreds and hundreds of memories of my mom telling me I will get through this difficult period of time. I have apologies from family and friends that are, I believe, genuine, that have been kind. It's a kind act to reach out and say, I'm sorry, I didn't handle that well.

I want to make it right. I want to turn from this. And that's a kind act. I get insecure when I golf. Because I'm afraid of my image. I'm not good enough. I'd made a bad shot, you know, and I start my mind thinking about the drive. It's gonna, I'm going to shank it. I'm going to slice it. It's not going to go straight.

People are going to [00:08:00] judge me. You know, I talk a big game, but I don't really play a good game when it comes to golf. And that's my pride. That's my ego. If I can let go of that, then I can actually have fun, which is a great benefit of getting out of your ego into yourself as you can start enjoying life.

an action you can take. here is you can start to do one kind thing for somebody. I mean, in the next 24 hours, do a kind thing for somebody. And there's some rules to doing this kind thing. So it does not count if anybody finds out about it. It has to be done anonymously. It has to be done where nobody, the person you're helping does not know that you have helped them.

So think creatively here. You know, it can be something where you give an anonymous note or you share something about somebody with somebody else about how great they are and you build them up within a coworker's mind. And sure, they might, it might get back to that coworker through that person, but that doesn't really count.

It's not going to get back to them for quite a while. So if they don't find out about it the day. [00:09:00] that you actually do it, then it does count. And you can work that into your life. So it could be giving a bigger tip than you normally would. Talking to somebody who's, who's lonely.

I mean, reaching out to somebody in some unique kind of way, giving somebody a gift of money or some kind of a gift that you could leave at their door because you know they actually need help. Finding some way, but you can't post it on Facebook or Instagram or YouTube. It has to be done anonymously. You get out of yourself by being kind and doing those kind of things.

So the second thing you can do to get out of your ego and into yourself is you can create something. The creative act is inherently a generous act. You are creating something that can benefit somebody else. Now, you can have a mixed motive where you're trying to benefit from this creation and somebody else is going to actually benefit from this creation, but your motive primarily, you want to create because you know intuitively in your heart from yourself, it's going to help somebody else.

Our ego will tell us that it sucks or it's not good enough or it has to be perfect. So keep on. Doing [00:10:00] it. Overdo it. The ego says that you'll be embarrassed and judged, but that's exactly what I want you to do. I want you to be embarrassed and judged, and I want you to see that you can handle those types of emotions because you have something to offer the world that's unique from yourself, that's unique to this world.

In fact, that is the meaning of your existence is to help other people. The purpose of art is to take people away from their ego and towards their self. That's the way I like to think about it. That's what art does. And only you, only the Evaluator can determine whether it's moving them towards their self.

It's providing some kind of inspiration. Great literature, a great movie, a great book, inspiring note from a friend. There's all kinds of form of artwork, forms of artwork. So you, and I think about A lot of situations where people take that first step towards connecting with their self and they do create something.

That's one of the first steps. It's not necessarily the first step, but it's one of the steps that they engage in as [00:11:00] they start to see whatever this task, whatever this passion of theirs, it can be used to help other people. And so the obstacle is minimized. because they're out of ego. Ego focuses on the obstacle and they're moving towards helping other people.

So they're deciding to start that business or they're deciding to market that product in a new way, knowing it's gonna help people reach more people. It's gonna help their audience. It's gonna do something that's gonna inspire other people.

So you create whatever it may be that's on your mind. You learn to let go of that fear. The primary emotion of the ego is fear. So you let go of the fear, even though it's still there, because we're all scared. We're human. We're scared. I'm scared every time I send some kind of new content out. I'm scared every time I do a podcast.

I'm scared every time I record a video for YouTube. I'm scared every time that I send out some email launching a product or so telling people about my new podcast, because I don't want people to unsubscribe. And my ego tells me that they're not going to like it. It's got to be perfect. Keep refining it.

And then I don't get it. it out there to actually help other people because it stays stuck in my head or stuck in some form of content, but I don't [00:12:00] actually get it out there. So you can create something and start launching it, getting it out in front of the world. So it can be criticized. So some actions you can take, you know, just some ideas.

So create a helpful YouTube video, a how to video, a comedy sketch. It's going to make people laugh and see things differently. And you're going to get that out in front of some people. Maybe it's just. Five different people, but you're starting to put yourself out there. Information that you know can help other people about a topic that you have some information on or some insight in.

And you can put it out there and you don't worry about the number of people who subscribe to your channel. You don't worry about the number of people who like you on Facebook. You worry that this is... My best, not perfect, but this is my best piece of content right now today that I can get out into the world that can actually help other people.

So you create a painting, a drawing, you write a book, you write an ebook, you get it out there, you create a tip sheet, like 10 ways to get good sleep when you're over 80 years old. or 10 ways to build good friends when you're over 80 years old. I can't write those tip sheets, but some of you out there listening can, because I know some of my audience is over 80 years old and that's great.

It's specific to an audience potentially. [00:13:00] How to get great sleep when anxiety keeps you awake, or what I did to get better sleep when anxiety was keeping me awake. Those can be tip sheets that can be very valuable. You can write something like that in an hour or two, and then you can send it out to people on an email list of your 20 closest friends, whatever, whoever it may be, and just say, I wrote this, I'd love some feedback, I hope it helps, and you put it out there.

So if you found this Podcast helpful or any previous podcast helpful. I do not want you to miss my video and workbook. It's called Shatterproof Yourself. These are seven steps to a giant leap in your mental health. It's about mental toughness, resiliency. It's about. It's about rising above your thoughts and your emotions.

It's about going to that next level in your relationships. It's stuff that will apply both personally and professionally, and it's going to stick. It's going to resonate. You're going to want to watch it multiple times, and you're going to want to tell your friends about it. It's that kind of content.

I've been working on this for a year. I've been working on it for you, and for me, because like I said, I create these things [00:14:00] to want you to miss that. Hit the link and subscribe to Shatterproof yourself. So the third... Of the four things that you can engage in to get out of your ego and towards yourself is to remember the meaning behind the things that you're engaging in and to remember that it's not about you. Because when you remember the meaning, the meaning is going to remind you that it's really not about you. It's going to really remind you that you're parenting and the times where you get caught up in what other people think of you as a parent and what you're.

Child thinks of you as a parent. That's ego driven. The meaning of being a parent is to create the best kids possible with the best future possible. At least it is for most good parents, which I believe 99. 9 percent of you are. And maybe 100 percent of you are. You want to be good parents and grandparents.

The meaning behind it is not about you and whether they like you. The meaning is, if it's a healthy meaning, it's about making great kids, preparing them for the future, teaching them values. Teaching them how to live a good life and build relationships professionally and personally that are going to last and give them a future where they can [00:15:00] have the best and the biggest impact possible.

That's what it's about. The purpose of your life is to help others in some unique fashion. When you remember that purpose, it doesn't, it gives meaning to the mundane. It makes you, it gives you inspiration for the mundane. The mundane is the little tiny stuff you got to do. To get and to reach your objectives, which help lead you towards your vision.

So, the purpose of Alcoholics Anonymous is to help members find sobriety. When they remember the purpose, they don't get stuck in the weeds. Great illustration, because I was at a 12 step meeting last weekend, and one of the old timers, which is someone that's been a part of that 12 step meeting for a long time, was sharing about, AA meetings.

And then, smoking was a part of meeting to decide, they had to decide whether they were going to continue to allow smoking or discontinue to allow smoking inside in these AA meetings. I mean, you could do it outside. That's kind of, that's fine. But she was talking about how heated it was and passionate it was.

The way she was describing it, it was like, you know, stand up and yell at people kind of [00:16:00] passion. Because there were both sides of the argument. You know, the purpose is to help people find sobriety. So would not allowing smoking keep people out of meetings possibly? Maybe so.

Would allowing smoking bring more people in or keep people staying, going to meetings? Maybe so. But they had this argument and eventually they decided by vote, democratically, that they were going to discontinue the allowing smoking in AA meetings, in this specific AA group. And she was saying that at the very end, they said the Lord's prayer and they gave each other hugs and they talked and hung out, even though they had this heated discussion.

Because ultimately that group remembered the purpose was to help members find sobriety. And I love that because AA can help anybody. Mental sobriety, emotional sobriety, any addiction. I mean, things that you struggle with, sobriety is going towards having peace. in your life, having a sense that you're okay, that you're good enough.

And it's a great place to find some of that. So what you can do here is whatever [00:17:00] that thing is, where you have an, you have your ego involved that you identified at the very beginning of this podcast, where you're tempted to get sucked in to proving your value or to hiding. And telling yourself you're a piece of junk, whatever that situation is, if it's a work situation, if it's a church situation, if it's some kind of a family situation over the holidays where you get caught into arguments about politics and religion and football, well, you can argue about football, that's fine, but maybe it is football, you get caught up in But whatever that situation is, I want you to remember your objective and to remind yourself, well, here's my objective.

So I'm afraid to have that conversation with my wife. My objective here is to connect and build a loving relationship with my wife. And I don't need to Say my point 20 different times, but I want to find a way to kindly communicate What I'm feeling or what is concerning to me or what I love about them But you're getting a you're keeping the objective in mind and that gives you the motivation and the fuel to actually do it.

[00:18:00] So the fourth thing to do to get out of your ego and towards yourself is to connect spiritually.

And I'm sure this weirds a lot of you out here. So step two of the 12 steps came to believe a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. It's outside us. So think of Something greater than ourselves. So going to a 12 step meeting and stepping through the door the first time and not being incredibly skeptical and criticizing the people and criticizing the whole group, because you probably didn't even step in while you were doing that.

You were just saying that's too religious or those people I don't relate to, but you actually stepped through the doors. Well, that's engaging a power greater than yourself. So choosing to engage people. And actually ask for help can be engaging a power greater than yourself because it's not you. It's actually connecting and that's a little bit confusing here, but you get outside of your ego by humbly getting help for other people.

Maybe it's engaging in prayer [00:19:00] or saying the rosary or practicing a spiritual tradition in your faith system. Meditation, getting outside, it's connecting with God. These are things for me that connect me with God. When I'm connecting spiritually, I'm getting outside of myself.

I'm admitting I can't do it on my own, and I'm not sane, which means that I'm not thinking clearly. I'm not functioning at a healthy level, and I can't do this on my own. I've heard this called connecting with the divine ground, and so I'm not sure if that was Carl Jung, who, as I talk about the ego and I talk about the self, outside of that circle that contains the self with the little ego inside, you can have.

Arrows pointing in that penetrate the self, and you can write the word if you wanted to draw this on a whiteboard or a piece of paper, it says Divine Ground. Or you could say Higher Power. You could say God. You could say whatever your faith tradition would describe as that external force that you can connect to.

And that is what's going to help you. It penetrates the membrane of the self and it connects you with the self. So you connect [00:20:00] with that. It's like, you know, the answer to all our problems, the way I look about it is like God is the answer to all my problems. Our spiritual pursuit to connect spiritually to our divine ground is the answer to our problems.

Letting go allows you to be able to create, getting in touch with yourself, and as I find that I let go, and I surrender, and I try and get to a place where I'm engaging a spiritual practice, which for me, it's certain things I do in the morning that help me, and it's part of its gratitude, part of it's going through a prayer list that I have, part of it is opening up the Bible and meditating on some verse from the day in scripture or reading through a section of the Bible, a chapter of the Bible, but it's the action that I'm saying, by faith, I'm choosing to believe this is greater than myself and something good can come out of that. And I ask for inspiration and I ask for wisdom.

So an action you can take here is, who is somebody that you know? And maybe it's somebody you know that goes to AA or maybe it's somebody that you know that practices meditation consistently, or, you know, that they do [00:21:00] yoga, or, you know, they're really strong in their faith. They're very involved in their Catholic church, or they're very involved in their Protestant church.

And, you know, or whatever faith tradition it is, I'm, I'm saying figure out somebody that, you know, that's in your sphere or Someone you can connect with and they're, they're grounded spiritually. You get the sense that they're grounded spiritually, they're connected.

And my challenge for you is to reach out to them in the next 24 hours and to ask something about their spiritual life. So like, what is that about? What is a 12 step meeting about? And tell me, you know, how did you get involved in the Catholic church? Or how did you get involved? How did you get involved in the synagogue?

Or how did you, or what's it like? So you're going to, you're going to connect with them on a spiritual level and then listen to them and be curious about it. Because you're connecting with them, asking them for information about what things they do to engage spiritually. And so like the 10th step of the 12 steps, sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him. Praying only for the knowledge of His will, not praying for ourselves and our blessings [00:22:00] and for all these great things to happen in our lives, but for only for the knowledge of His will.

And His will is going to be to propel you to help other people through the unique purpose that is planned for you. Praying only for the knowledge of His will and the power to carry it out. So let's go ahead and recap these four actions you can take to get out of your ego and into yourself.

Do something kind. So by the end of the day, by the end of the day tomorrow, in the next 24 hours, do something kind for somebody else and don't, if you get found out, if they find out, or if someone else finds out, it does not count. Create something. Get a rough draft done in the next 24 hours of some kind of thing.

You can do that in 10 minutes. In fact, I would set a stopwatch. 15 minutes is all you get to do the first draft. It's an article that you could write, or it's some kind of a creation, or some YouTube video you could actually film, or a tip sheet, or a drawing. By the way, I ask my clients who are artists, like drawing, painting artists, to bring their art and show it to me.

Because it's so inspiring to see what they've worked on, and usually they're very harsh critics of themselves. And it's inspiring content. For somebody else. And [00:23:00] that's part of being an artist is you may not think it's good enough for you, but it's not about you. Again, that's ego. So, or you, if you're, let's say a car salesman, you know, you create a draft for a tip sheet on what I wish I knew before I started selling cars.

I mean, these are things that can help other people. The third action is to remember the meaning behind whatever it is where your ego is pulling you in. What's the purpose of this engagement today? And it's gonna not, it's not gonna be about you. It's gonna be about helping others. You remember that and then it takes the stress and the anxiety, at least it decreases it significantly because you remember it's not about you.

It's okay to be embarrassed. It's okay to fail. You can learn, you can grow through that. And then the fourth is to Connect spiritually in some fashion. And so the next 24 hours, reach out to somebody that you believe is connected spiritually. And maybe you find out that they're really not, they're just, you thought they were connected spiritually, but that still counts.

So there you have it. So what resonates with you most from this podcast today on how your ego is your enemy. And again, that book by Ryan [00:24:00] Holiday. Your Ego Is Your Enemy. The Ego Is Your Enemy is a great book. I'm going to link to it in the show notes. So what resonated with you most from today? In the next 24 hours, I want you to teach that concept, something that you learned, to somebody else.

It's going to help it stick. It's going to go to a deeper level. And then take an emotional risk based on something, that one thing that you teach based on that concept or another that you gained from learning. from this episode today. So if you love this episode, tell somebody about the Decide Your Legacy podcast.

It only grows when people subscribe, when they give a rating and review, and when they tell their friends, you know, send somebody the link through Apple or Spotify. Just forward it to somebody and text it to them. Say, this was very helpful. I'd really greatly appreciate it. So have me out to speak to your team live or over zoom.

Love to help. Hire me or one of my other legacy coaches to start your legacy journey for you and or for your team. So I'll sign off the way that I always do, make it your mission to [00:25:00] live the life now that you want to be remembered for 10 years after you're gone.

You decide your legacy, no one else. I appreciate you greatly and I'll see you next time.