Ep97_WontWanttoHearThis
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Adam Gragg: [00:00:00] So a client recently pointed out to me that when I'm about to share something hard, I will preface it with, you're not going to want to hear this. And then he was kind of making fun of me saying, well, that's when I really want to hear whatever you have to say so I kind of tune in. And he even told me that'd be a good title of a book.

Well, maybe it's a book I'll write sometime, but it reminded me of the importance [00:01:00] of courageous honesty. Importance of creative dishonesty with your friends, with your family, with people that you love and care about. So it's actually a prerequisite to having a true friend. So welcome to the Decide Your Legacy podcast.

This is episode number 97, and today I'm going to talk to you about six things you don't You may not want to hear. And if you found the Decide Your Legacy podcast helpful, subscribe so you'll never miss another episode. Give it a rating, interview on Apple or Spotify, wherever you get your podcast content that helps it grow organically to help and reach more people.

So I'm your host, Adam Gragg. I've been a coach, writer, speaker, licensed mental health professional for over 20 years. My passion is helping Others develop the self confidence and clarity to face their biggest fears and live their legacy. There's a gap between people, where they want, where people want to go, and where they are now.

I help people fill that gap. They fill the gap. I inspire them to get there. I talk about stuff that I struggle with myself and I don't have it all figured out. I'm a [00:02:00] fellow traveler. So something uncomfortable I did recently, I share a scary thing because nothing is more important to your mental health than facing your fears, and nothing is more damaging to your mental health than playing it safe.

So I saw an attractive woman at the grocery store and she was friendly. I could tell the way she was talking to the cashier. Anyway, I ended up checking out after her. I thought. I don't know. Maybe if I run out into her in the parking lot, I'll mention something to her. She didn't have a ring on. So anyway, I got my groceries packed up and left and went out.

And then sure enough, she was out packing her groceries. I ran into her in the parking lot and I asked her. Actually, she started pulling away in her car and I, I waved at her and she rolled down her window and I asked her if she was single. And she, she told me no, and she said she was married, and I told her you seem like a really nice person, have a nice night, moved on from there.

I'm glad I asked. It was a rejection in a way, not really. Of course you know, I just met a new person, nice person, so I'm glad I asked. So [00:03:00] this is the podcast that you do not just listen to. My listeners get uncomfortable too. So what types of things do you not want to hear from other people?

Write those things down or speak them into your phone. Things you probably avoid hearing from other people. You don't want to hear it, you know, so of course you don't want to hear someone tell you you're lazy, or you're, you're negative, or you know, you smell. Take a bath. Those are not really the things I'm thinking about here.

The stuff that's hard to hear, like, you're not facing your fears, or when did you get it done? You committed to getting it done. What have you done to To get that thing done, or how is it going with in your marriage? You don't want to hear that maybe because then you have to answer the question or what's going on with your job?

What progress have you made professionally? What have you done that's courageous recently? Those are great questions. You may not want to answer those types of questions. So what is it that you don't want to hear? I don't want to hear that I'm late from people. I don't want to hear that I've let somebody down.

I don't want to hear that. I've been avoiding something because they're asking me about it. There's things I don't want to hear. So [00:04:00] this is a great, important subject. You don't even know what I'm going to share yet. Six things that you don't want to hear. A man's mind, once stretched by new ideas, may never return to its original dimensions.

That's Oliver Wendell Holmes, former Supreme Court Justice, maybe one of the most famous Supreme Court Justices. So once you get new ideas, your mind can't go back if you grasp the idea. If it's inspiring to you, so the truth will set you free. And often the truth is painful. That's the problem there. So if you find and grasp, get uncomfortable enough...

To grasp the truth because you're willing to engage, you're going to find that health and longevity of life, relationships, even wealth, is going to increase because you're facing things in your life. If you don't want to hear the truth, if you avoid, you are not going to make progress. You're going to do the wrong stuff again and again.

Definition of insanity. So you're not going to change. You're going to remain isolated potentially. So number one. thing you don't want to hear is to lower your expectations. Your stress [00:05:00] level is inversely proportional to your level, to your expectations. So lower your expectations of others, lower your expectations of yourself, lower your expectations of God, lower your expectations.

Don't lower them so low. That they're not healthy, but put them at a realistic level. So I collect seven up. As you know, I collect seven up bottles, give them to clients. It reminds me on a scale of one to ten. It's okay to be a seven. I don't have to be perfect. I can be myself. I am imperfect. It's okay. God is not imperfect.

He is perfect. But I don't have to be God. And that's what I mean by expectations. I I have lowered expectations of friends and have lowered expectations recently of family and it's helped me because I'm not let down. I'm not expecting them to be somebody that they're not. I may want them, but I'm put to do certain things in a way that's encouraging or supportive or whatever, but I'm setting them free and that's a great thing.

I can lower my expectations of The people that I love and care for and if they do follow through or if they do kind of surprise me, they [00:06:00] surprise me and I'm pleasantly surprised. Lower your expectations of yourself, meaning that I don't have to be perfect and I can recognize where my expectations are too high and adjust them to a realistic level and then lowering them of God, that's kind of a strange thing, but if I expect God to answer my prayers the way that I want them answered, then that's an expectation that's not realistic.

God gives good gifts to his children. He gives me good things, but I often don't see that at the moment. It's painful at the moment. And I don't, I want it to be my way, but if I lower it, then I'm going to be actually set free of the burden of, of stress that comes along with high unrealistic expectations.

So a couple of things you can do. Is you can identify here where you're perfectionistic. So what things at work and creative endeavors and relationships and with your money and your health and spirituality and other areas of your life. Are you, are your standards too high? Identify where they might be too high.

Are they too high with, with exercise? Are they too high with your, your marriage and your kids and what you believe your kids can, can do in the [00:07:00] day or in the way people love you and reach out to you. You want to identify that and be able to say, man. I can step away from that and have a realistic, healthy perspective.

We can write down what a healthy perspective, what a healthy expectation would be in those areas where your expectations are too high. So, for example, at work, you may have the expectation that you're gonna make every sales, every sale that you have the opportunity to close and, or every sales call is gonna go well, or every interaction with somebody that you're managing is gonna go Really well, or every client's going to follow through and get the progress that you have challenged them to make.

So you can make it realistic. And I say, lower it for a lot of people who are high achievers, lower it by 50 percent and then write what that down would be. So if your expectation is with your health to engage in exercise every day of the week, maybe that's too high. So maybe make it, you know, three days a week for now while you adjust.

So you lower your expectations. And then you can also work on having a. Both [00:08:00] and perspective rather than either or perspective. So I can be all or nothing. And that means that I can be frustrated often, because if things don't go just the way I want them, then I'll look at it as a, a failure. If things aren't perfect, then I'm going to procrastinate and put it off.

I'm not going to do it. So if I look at it both and perspective, then it's okay. I didn't, it didn't go well. It's not as good as I want it to be, but it's good enough for now. And I can improve it later. That's a both and. Or I offered somebody a job and they didn't take the job and they, you know, didn't work out.

But that's, I could say, well, that's, I'm not excited about them not taking the job, but, and it's an opportunity and God has something better planned or different plan for now, or the timing's not right. That's a both and perspective. So you can work on that. So number two. Thing you won't want to hear. Stop giving your emotions power.

Don't give them a vote. Stop giving your emotions influence over your life. I am an emotionally sensitive person. I can come across at times as being guarded and as not showing a whole lot of [00:09:00] emotion, whether it's positive or negative or I can come across as being very passionate. It can be extreme and my emotions can overpower me at times because I've been hurt just like you listening is been hurt as well.

And that can overtake me and I can become reactive. Rather than having an intentional response, I have an unintentional reaction. And I don't necessarily like that. I mean, yesterday at church, I really wasn't feeling good. I went to church. I didn't really want to go. I was feeling insecure. I didn't want to interact with anybody.

I was, for some reason, thinking people were going to judge me and look at me negatively. And it's kind of, there's no evidence for that, but I just felt that way. So I decided to go and I decided actually not to hide out. And those are some actions you can take. You can, first of all, if you want to stop giving your emotions power and influence over your life, be aware of your emotions.

So, notice how you're feeling. So, I could identify that I was feeling insecure and I tried to identify why and I connected it to staying up late the night [00:10:00] before and then not... Having a great, productive Saturday the day before, procrastinating on some things, not feeling like I had made a lot of progress in my life on that day when I was going to, and I connected it to that.

And that was why I was feeling insecure and I was feeling kind of lousy, but I also identified. At that moment that I could prepare to handle that emotion in advance. So I wasn't going to let it talk me out of going and engaging people, which I wanted to hide out from people. So you can prepare. It's the second thing you can do.

Take an action you can take is you can prepare in advance for those strong emotions. So I. Didn't want to interact, but I would choose to interact. So I told myself, I'm going to interact with at least three people before I leave. I wanted to just cut out after the service, but decided to stay. Or you want to work out, but you know, you're not going to feel like working out after work or when you get up in the morning, but you're going to choose to do so knowing in advance that those strong emotions.

pushing you away from working out are going to chime in and then you're not going to listen to them. Or I want to [00:11:00] prepare for this podcast. I don't want to prepare for this podcast. You know, I know I'm not going to want to prepare for the podcast, which is true. I don't like preparing. I like giving the podcast.

But I have to give it to give a good podcast. I have to prepare for it, so I know in advance, I won't want to, I'll procrastinate, but I can choose to block out an hour of time. And if I block out that hour of time, at least a day in advance, it's much better than doing it the day of the actual podcast.

So if you found this podcast helpful so far, hit the link to Shatterproof Yourself. It's seven small steps to a giant leap in your mental health. It's a brief video and worksheet. You won't want to miss it. Check it out. So number three. This is the third thing you don't want to hear, is that peace comes only after courageous action.

Courage is the price life exacts for granting peace. That's Amelia Earhart, right there. Who is from Kansas, I live in an apartment complex. And I remember over, it was probably three months, no, maybe four or five months ago, actually, that I got a letter saying that the apartment [00:12:00] complex was no longer going to be covering trash service.

And so all the tenants were going to have to pay for the trash service on their own. And then I looked at my lease and I decided, you know, this In my lease, it's covered. Trash is included in the rent. So I had a problem with that. And I expressed that there was disagreement. I didn't get a lot of response.

I didn't get a response from the owner. I didn't get like, anyway, anyway, I didn't get the information. Didn't get a lot of good communication. I don't believe. So then I decided to just sit on it, put it off, but it kept bothering me, kept coming up. Like, I want to say something about this. It's not about the money.

It wasn't about the money. It was about, this isn't okay, you know? And I have a number of friends who are attorneys. I talked to them, whatever. And they told me that, hey, you know, you got a point there. It may be good to point out. And then I went to the owner's office. Talk to the guy. Talk to his second in command.

Got it sorted out. Had a good conversation, but it was scary. I didn't want to do it. I ended up doing it. I feel like it was good. So some actions you can take. One thing is to decide what courageous things that you can do [00:13:00] today. So in the morning, decide like, what is something, what is a phone call that you can make during the day?

Or what is, An issue you can get some information on. Is it calling your bank and clarifying some information? Is it calling a person that you haven't talked to in a while and clarifying some issue of conflict? Is it facing something and getting clarity? Just asking questions, which is what I did when I, at least I tried to do when I was addressing this concern related to an expense added to my lease, that just getting information, trying to decide.

And it was a month, two, three month long process where I was gathering information. And then eventually it ended up with. A face to face interaction, which I felt like was really positive. So what are you avoiding? And I guarantee you that, you know, what these things are, you know, those things that we avoid continuously that keep popping up, they're going to come back with redoubled force, like worse than ever when you continuously avoid them.

And then notice how you feel, which is, has helped me tremendously is notice how you feel after you do something that's courageous because. It's not going to feel good at the [00:14:00] time. You've made that sales call. You know, you followed up on whatever that payment issue, you followed up with something that has been bothering you for a long period of time.

May have been years that you have not actually addressed it. You made that apology to somebody and they reject, they didn't accept it. They got mad at you. Which is kind of typical when somebody gets an apology oftentimes, because they are like, yeah, you know, that really hurt me. And so it can be this expression of anger, which is not a bad thing, but it can be painful at the time.

But notice how you feel after you actually have those difficult conversations, after you address those difficult, difficult topics. You know, you don't do it to, you don't do it to get back at somebody. You do it because It's the next right thing to do. And it's not only going to help you. It's going to help other people when you address things.

It's going to help your relationships with them. That's what forgiveness does. It actually helps heal in situations where there's damage. It helps to mend and make, by making amends, you're mending things as well by getting clarity, by asking questions, by being encouraging and supportive. That can be a courageous act as well.

Cause I mean, for me at times, it's like. I have this tendency to want to fix [00:15:00] things when, in relationships, instead of fixing it, the best thing I can do is to validate and listen. And that's a scary thing sometimes because my fear kicks in and I don't want someone to get hurt. And so I can have a tendency to want to enable or rescue rather than just encourage and listen and support.

So number four. Fourth thing you're not going to want to hear, I'm telling you, so cover your ears if you're listening right now, you don't want to hear this avoidance will end up destroying your life. And I've heard this quote many times from many different people, so don't be afraid, don't be nearly as afraid of dying, but be more, much more afraid of never actually living.

And I know I heard Cardinal Newman, I saw that quote from Cardinal Newman, who was actually a Protestant minister, and then he converted to Catholicism, and really inspiring guy. There's college in number of... Places named after Newman centers on college campuses are named after Cardinal Newman. So, he, inspiring guy.

So, I've heard that from Marcus Aurelius as well. Famous Stoic philosopher and Emperor of Rome. So, you know, don't be afraid of dying. Be afraid of never actually living. You know, in the top five regrets [00:16:00] of the dying, the book by Bronnie Ware, where she interviews people on their deathbeds.

One of the top five regrets of dying people is that they did not live the life they were meant to live. They lived somebody else's life for them. They played it safe. They stayed stuck and then they end up regretting that. I should have done this different thing. I should have pursued my dreams.

I should have become an entrepreneur. I should have started a business. I should have pursued that relationship. Well, shoulda, woulda, coulda. I mean, it's too late at that point, but right now you're listening to this podcast. So you're breathing, you're alive. You're not on your deathbed, most likely. You can do some things.

You can take some action. It's serious stuff here. If you avoid and avoid, it's going to destroy your life. Over time, over time it will. And it makes your life miserable now. You know, you sit around their house worrying and taking no action when you know that it's the right thing to do. You know, research is okay.

Processing things is okay. But not making a decision because of fear and you know it's the next right thing to do is not okay. Those are things that eventually you will end up having regrets. And those are... Things I want you to avoid, you listening today. So people will do almost anything, no matter how absurd, to [00:17:00] avoid facing their own souls.

That's Carl Hume. That's what I'm talking about here. You're facing the stuff that's the most crucial stuff in your life. And on the other side of that, there's going to be peace. On the other side of that, there's going to be joy. There's going to be some excitement. You can face these things and you can do things.

What are you putting off every day? Every day you put things off, you're losing a piece of yourself in the process. You're losing your sense of trust in yourself. You're losing the sense of excitement and adventure in your life. You're compromising on your values, most likely in some way, because your values are going to point you in the direction of your dreams.

They're going to point you in the direction of what's next. You can't keep putting it off. So some actions you can take is one right down. When you have a fear of something that you want to do, but you're afraid to do right down with the worst possible thing is that can happen. So. If you go and you ask for that raise because you believe you're worth it, and you know that the marketplace justifies that raise, and they say no, well you can look for another job, you can walk out and you can say thank you and be glad you actually asked, you can trust that you have put some information in their minds so they know how you're thinking now, they know that you know that [00:18:00] you are worthy and worth more in your position, you've actually addressed it.

You didn't get the result you wanted in that moment, but the worst thing can happen, I guess you'd get fired, but that's kind of rare asking for a raise, could be, could be on the sidelines. You know, get on their poop list because of that. I don't know. But the, so figure out what the worst thing is. So you go ahead and you ask somebody out on a date or you ask somebody if they're single and they say they're married.

Okay. But the worst thing is can happen as I leave. I say, hello, I thank them for the interaction or whatever. Say nice to meet you and then move on and wish them well in their marriage. I mean, that's the worst thing that can happen in this situation. Like, or they, I guess could get mad at me or be offended, but.

You know, they don't have a wedding ring on. Okay, they could, but you know, good people aren't going to be like that. I mean, would you be like that to somebody if they asked you if you were married or asked you if you were single and you were married, you'd probably be kind, maybe even flattered. Maybe even go back to your spouse and, and, and tell them about it, you know, not to make them jealous, but just be grateful that, you know, people are finding interest in you and they're really lucky to have you as their spouse.

So the second part of that is, is the action you can take is you can figure out how will you handle it if this worst possible thing happens. [00:19:00] So I have a friend that, That owns a business who is in a lawsuit, frustrating, you know, difficult situation, great guy, good business, ethical person, strong morals, great family man, everything.

So it's frustrating though, because you can lose in a lawsuit and having to go back, hire attorneys, deal with things in court, potentially settle out of court. I don't know, but what's the worst possible thing that could happen in that situation? Have to pay some kind of a settlement, make it right. Cost you some money.

Maybe you have to get a loan to pay it. I don't know. Finances are in that situation, but that's also a both and perspective. So I get sued and I can learn from it. I can grow. I can pay it. I can learn how to correct some things in my business, or I can learn how to deal with difficult customers in the future that might potentially do the same kind of thing.

I can change some processes, but you can learn. So you lose your job. Well, you get a new one. It's horrible to lose your job, but you know, you say, okay, it didn't work out in this job and I have to find a new job. But maybe that new job is even bigger and better and greater because I know how God works and God has good gifts for his children. And so it could be a wonderful, awesome opportunity. You start that business. It doesn't go as well as you [00:20:00] thought, but maybe in the process, you're tweaking some things and eventually it's getting ready to take off. You're doing all this back work, but you never actually took that risk to go out and do it.

So you avoided it and avoided it and avoided it. And eventually, you know, you. It's 20 years later and you never actually have done it because it's consistently a situation where the risk is too great. Yet it's always going to be there or else it's not actually being an entrepreneur. You're going to have to let go at some point.

I mean, the risk, business owners take risks. They do. They put it out there. So what are you avoiding? What you avoid will end up destroying your life if you consistently avoid it. And I'm not talking about avoiding rattlesnakes and people with guns and dogs that are foaming at the mouth. Avoid those things.

Those are good things to avoid. I'm talking about those fears that you are avoiding, you know you want to face, or that you would like to face, you just aren't quite ready, or you keep procrastinating putting it off. That's what I'm talking about here. So number five thing you won't want to hear from me, I'm telling you.

So when people show you who they are, believe them. When they show you who they are and they show you their character and they show you what they're all about, believe them. Don't [00:21:00] talk yourself and second guess yourself and justify and act like you didn't see or notice or become aware of some kind of character flaw or red flag in that other person.

Forgive them when they own it. And they start changing their behavior and they make it right. And they show you they're a different person and they have remorse. Forgive. Absolutely. Watch people's lives and how they treat other people. When you see it, believe them. What kinds of decisions do they make?

How do they treat their kids? How do they treat their parents? How do they treat their friends? How do they communicate? Are they honest or are they deceptive? Are they passive aggressive or are they aggressive? Are they nasty? How do they? interact on a consistent basis, watch patterns in their lives. I'm not saying to look at patterns that are exceptions.

I mean, everyone has a bad day and people have times where they don't get a good night's sleep and people get frustrated and grouchy, but are they willing to own it or not? Are they willing to change it and be, and be repentant, which means that you're turning from whatever that behavior actually is. And then you're moving in the right direction.

Are they doing that or not? And you're. It's on you once you [00:22:00] see it and you don't listen to it and believe it. I hear this a lot with people that are dating, so they'll meet somebody and he's the best guy, you know, this is a gal, so saying, I met this guy and we've gone on five dates or whatever and he's just such a great person, I just feel like I'm falling in love.

Perfect. You know, and the guy has a great job and he provides for his kids and he's wonderful. And then there's, but there's this one thing, you know, I'll tell them if they're really kind of head over heels, they may not be able to identify it at this point, but I'll say, you know, is there anything, is there anything that concerns you?

Not because I want them to have concerns, but are there any, you know, red flags, anything? And I may not even have to ask that question and they'll identify it at some point. They'll, they'll mention it and they'll say, you know, there is this one thing, you know, well, what's the one thing? Oh, well, the guy, you know, he still texts his ex girlfriends all the time, and, but I know they're just friends, and I don't believe for a second he would ever cheat on me, I don't think he wants a relationship with them, he just can't cut it off, he doesn't know, and so, that's a red flag in my book, he doesn't know how to set boundaries, and do you want to be in a relationship as that goes on, so when you think [00:23:00] dating is just a snapshot, of how somebody's going to behave in the long run.

So play that forward five years. And is that the kind of relationship you want to be in? Or the guy is, has some kind of addictive behavior. So there's this one thing and he you know, he drinks quite a bit on the weekends. And he doesn't ever want to really hang out because he's drinking out with his friends.

And I've invited him to go do things with me. He doesn't want to actually go and do anything with me. And so, but, you know, that's not a big deal. He says it as he has it under control. Well, he may have it under control. I don't actually know. But if you see that kind of behavior, believe it. You know, it's something that is triggering in you some kind of level of concern.

So you have to get some sort of communication on that issue in that relationship. And it has to change or be addressed satisfactorily in a way that you can build trust and establish healthy relationships. I'm saying just believe people the first time. So some things you can do here is you can talk to somebody about the red flags that you see, because maybe you're overreacting.

But don't discount them, because if you get confirmation from your friends, people that are [00:24:00] healthy that you can trust, not your friends that are also in unhealthy relationships. You know, those aren't the kind of friends I'm talking about. Somebody that can be... unbiased and is pointing you in the right direction that has your best interest at heart and is willing to say to you something courageous like be careful.

Maybe they're able to say like that is a concern I would certainly encourage you to address it and I would certainly encourage you to make sure you're comfortable with the way that is handled. Are they avoiding it? As you address it, or do they own it as you address it? Well, that's a good way of thinking about those red flags.

And the other thing is to trust your gut. Start trusting your gut by faith and acting by faith. So you're going to trust your gut. This is a concern you're going to address it. And it's a courageous action. That's non avoidance. That's addressing something. And then it's not being driven by fear. Because if you're being driven by fear, you probably won't address it at all.

Because you're going to be afraid of how they're going to respond. And if you're afraid of how they're going to respond to an honest, curious question, not Interrogating them, but it's something you have a concern with, and you're saying, [00:25:00] Hey, I have this concern. Can you tell me about it or explain it to me?

And they get really defensive. Well, you're getting an answer right there about their response to that situation is confirmation that that is a serious red flag because they're so defensive about it and they don't want to actually address it. That's a huge problem right there because you're expressing concern in that situation.

So believe it, trust your gut by faith, not by fear. Don't be driven by fear. Fear is going to push you into avoidance. Fear could push you into making things into a bigger deal than they actually are because if you're saying it's a red flag that they work a four day week instead of a five day week but they get all their hours in in four days and we have, you know, they're going to have a full day off without me if we keep continuing this relationship and I have to work that day.

Well, that's not a red flag. I mean, that's an overreaction. That's like an either or, anxious, that's your fear driving that situation or you're, feel like they have really close friendships with other, they're a guy and they're really close friendships with other men. And you're like, well, I don't know if they're going to have room for me in their, in their life as well, because they already have so many friends.

That's not a red flag. That's a healthy [00:26:00] thing. I mean, they have good friendships. Holy cow, man. That's exactly what you want in somebody you're dating. You don't want them to be consumed by you. You want someone healthy who has a life outside of you so they can be. interdependent with you and actually build an intimate relationship based on the fact that they have a life outside of you.

That creates a healthy relationship, healthy dynamics, there's space in the relationship. So it's not a red flag. So number six, the last thing you're not going to want to hear, and this may be the hardest one for you to hear right here, is that happiness is not something that you can find. You will never find happiness when you search for happiness.

I guarantee it. You will never find happiness when you search for happiness. Happiness is a byproduct of a lifestyle that people live. It's a byproduct of decisions that you make. If you want immediate happiness, you're going to turn to things like drugs and alcohol and sensory type things, you know, fun.

You're going to play Video games all the time. You're going to do whatever you can do to numb. And you think that's happiness, but that's actually pulling you away from joy and happiness in your life. [00:27:00] Happiness is a lifestyle of courage. It's a lifestyle living in line with your values. It's a living a lifestyle that at the end of the day, you say, I live the best day possible.

Sure, I messed up. I did make mistakes. I did run from difficult situations, but I'm owning it, and I'm aware of it, and I'm going to correct it. I'm committed to living a lifestyle courageously. I'm committed to making big, hairy changes in my life to live this best life that I know God has planned for me.

That is the kind of lifestyle you want to live, that you're going to feel good about at the end of the day. And at the end of that, you will find happiness. I guarantee it. At the end of that, as you live a life that is, you are proud of, you're going to find happiness. It's a good life. It's the best life.

So when I have told myself at times in my life that when I have a certain level of finance, financial, security or whatever I want to call it, a certain amount of money in the bank, you know, then I'm going to be happy. When I find a wife, then I'm going to be happy. I've told myself all these things, even in the last year, when I find, well, not all of these actually.

So it's like when I, when I finally get a nose piercing, then I'm [00:28:00] going to be happy. When I get a tattoo, then I'm going to be happy. I don't want a nose piercing. I don't even want a tattoo. Although it wouldn't, You know, having a famous or a favorite quote somewhere, you know, could be kind of cool. I wouldn't have said that five years ago, but that could be kind of cool.

When I have a new job, then I'll be happy. When I go on that vacation, then I'll be happy. When I can fly first class, then I'll be happy. You know, when I have new friends, when I have a new home, when I have a new car, then I'll be happy. And these are all wrong. They don't bring me any happiness. They never have.

They bring you short term. But remember you play the long game, you know, happy. Easy now, hard later. Hard now, easy later. Delayed gratification is the name of the game. Doing the next right thing is the name of the game. So, an action you can take to find happiness is to define what is this life that you can live that you're going to be happy about at the end of the day.

What kind of decisions are you going to make? How are you going to treat people? What kind of courageous actions are you going to take? What are you going to do? Second thing you can do is define what an ideal weekday or weekend would actually be, and then block out some things. And these are the things that are going to be [00:29:00] productive, moving you towards your goals and your vision, your dreams, moving you towards the healthy relationships that you want.

Do that and you're going to eventually find happiness. And it's going to surprise you, you can't control it. It's like grasping water, you can't control it. And there's a reason for that because you can't, if you could control it, then everybody would know how to do it. I mean, it takes faith to find it. It takes trusting yourself.

It takes trusting God. It takes trusting your friends. It takes being vulnerable to find it. It takes the hard stuff to find it in your life. So let's go ahead and recap these six things that you didn't want to hear from me today. So number one, lower your expectations of yourself, others. Do it. Number two, stop giving your emotions influence and power and a vote in your situations.

And things you're going to do, do it anyway, outside, against your emotions. That fear is lying to you. Number three, peace comes after you take courageous action. Number four, avoidance will destroy your life eventually. And it may be destroying your life right now. Number five, when people show you they are, believe them the first time.

And number six, happiness is not [00:30:00] something you can find. It's actually the journey. It'll sneak up on you when you live life the right, when you live your life the right way, the way you feel good about. So remember my rule, Adam's rule, 20 percent of transformational change is information, okay?

It's like you're gaining information by listening to a podcast, by reading a good book. You're getting data, you're getting information in the, in your life. And then 80 percent is action, 80 percent or more is action. Doing that thing. Don't sit. On your hands, do it. Jump out of that plane. You got to get in the plane with the parachute on.

You fly up to 12, 000 feet, 11, 000 feet, and you jump out. So what resonated with you most from today? In the next 24 hours, I want you to teach something to somebody else. I want you to apply it to your life. Take an emotional risk. It's going to be scary on something that you learned today. If you've loved this episode, tell somebody about the Decide Your Legacy podcast.

Listen to previous episodes. I love to help you. Create this content to help you and it's my joy to do so and I'd love for you to share with other people so they [00:31:00] can be helped too. If you're interested, have me out to speak live or over Zoom. I am booking speaking engagements for 2024. I'd love to get on your schedule.

Hire me or one of my legacy coaches to do some one on one coaching. Or join one of my legacy groups. Love to have you involved in that as well. And I'm gonna go ahead and sign off the way that I always do. Make it your mission to live the life now that you want to be remembered for 10 years after you're gone.

You decide your legacy, no one else. I appreciate you greatly more than you know, and I'll see you next time.