Ep100_MentalTough
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Adam Gragg: [00:00:00] Welcome to episode number 100 of the Decide Your Legacy podcast. Today, I'm going to talk to you about keys to mental toughness. How do you become mentally tough? It's Mental Health Awareness Month, and this is a great topic. We're going to talk about mental health, but in a way that I think is going to resonate in a deeper fashion.

Mental toughness, you know, what does that [00:01:00] mean to be mentally tough? It means you can have, you have Faith that you can influence your future, that you can tolerate temporary discomfort. You can have delayed gratification because you know there's a more profitable outcome. You can trust that when life challenges occur, you know that you will get to the other side.

And we're going to work on that today and build that today. So I am celebrating something today. This is episode number 100. I've given up. Twice, I believe, like for good, and then start it again with the Decide Your Legacy podcast. If you found this podcast helpful, subscribe so you won't miss another episode.

Give it a rating and review on Apple or Spotify, wherever you get your podcast content that helps it to grow organically to reach and help more people. I'm your host, Adam Gragg. I've been a coach, writer, speaker, and licensed mental health professional for over 20 years, and my passion is helping others develop the Self confidence and clarity.

They need to face their biggest fears and live their legacy. [00:02:00] I talk about stuff I struggle with myself. I don't have it all figured out. I'm a fellow traveler. I make this podcast for you and for me as well. So something uncomfortable I did recently is I asked for help from a friend. He could have said no, yet he didn't.

He said yes. And it was very encouraging. Thank you, Todd. I appreciate that. So number two is I genuinely apologize to somebody. that I had hurt and I had apologized before, but I don't believe it was really genuine. I didn't realize and have the remorse that I have now, and I believe they received it and it's going to rebuild trust.

This is the podcast that you do not just listen to. My listeners get uncomfortable too. And the reason I want you to get uncomfortable, just like me, and the reason I shared those risks that I've taken recently is because nothing is more important to your mental health. and facing your fears and nothing is more damaging to your mental health than playing it safe.

Just let those things sink in during Mental Health Awareness Month. And those two things will change your life. So the action I want you to start off with is I want you to rate your [00:03:00] level of mental toughness on a scale of 1 to 10. How resilient are you? In the face of stress and anxiety and fear, do you face them or do you run?

Ten is like you do it all the time. You have no real fear, which is not true. You're lying to yourself. If you say that, one is you really struggle. Rate your level of satisfaction and then write down or speak into your phone. What is probably getting into your way? Is it your health and procrastinating? Is it your marriage?

Is it your job? Is it not facing things? Is it not parenting the way you know you can parent? What actually is it? That's what I want you to focus on and I've noticed recently I have a buddy who owns a business and I've noticed just being around his team and that people are I'm energized and they're going through a lot of transition and change.

I mean, there's people, new people coming on, there's people leaving and there's potential new goals and new office space. There's a lot of different changes going on in this industry. But I've also noticed this level of encouragement of the staff because [00:04:00] I've been around them frequently in the last week.

I've noticed these things. So they have a lot of stuff they're looking forward to. They're challenging, but they're actually looking forward to these things. There's a lot more clarity in the business about where they're actually going. So people are involved in the process of making some of these big decisions.

They feel like they have feedback and they get to give feedback, not make all the decisions or anything, but there's clarity. They're feeling like they have opportunities to grow and to challenge themselves. If. If they so choose to, I mean, some may, some won't, some will, some won't kind of thing. There is more trust and opportunity to trust each other on this team.

And I'm seeing people become happier on this team. Not that they weren't happy, I don't know, but I'm just seeing, noticing that there's been a change because I've worked with this organization for a number of years, helping this organization to work on their culture. And I've just noticed this change recently.

It's been very exciting. So let's go ahead and jump into the content. It's four things you can do to become more mentally tough. Stress and anxiety, those are the great equalizer. Everybody struggles with that, but to different levels. We're always going to have [00:05:00] some level of stress in our lives.

It's the great equalizer. Anxiety has increased though, by some estimates, over 300 percent in recent years from pre COVID numbers. Anxiety disorders, no doubt to me about this, is the number one mental health disorder in the United States, affecting 40 million people and over 19 percent of U. S. adults.

have had, at some point, a clinical level of anxiety in their lives. It's highly treatable, yet only a third ever actually get help. But not you. You're listening to this podcast today. You can work on how you deal and become mentally tough. I get stressed with change. I have a lot of change going on right now.

I'm expanding Decide Your Legacy. It's been impacting my sleep a bit, at least it did one night last week, because I have a lot of things on my plate. I've felt overwhelmed. I know as I deal with this in my life, and as I become mentally tougher, which for me, it takes some shifting, I know I'm gonna be happier.

I know I'm more creative. I solve problems better when I don't have the stress and anxiety in my life, when I'm resilient. My [00:06:00] fears decrease, my confidence increases. I'm not nearly as rejection sensitive. I'm able to go out and drum up new business, go kill things to bring back to eat, so to say. And if they say no, it's not that big of a deal.

I can follow through because I have more mental resilience. Rejection sensitivity. My relationships actually improve as well because I start to relax and enjoy people, not try to control them or control the situation. So number one, first thing to do, this is simple stuff here, you know, but the simple stuff is the best stuff.

I was thinking about how I grew up in Northern California about 30 miles from Sacramento in Fair Oaks, California. And it's in between Lake Tahoe and San Francisco. And there's a lot of traffic in Sacramento. I mean, it's one of the high traffic areas of the world.

The San Francisco area is a little bit higher, but it's a lot of traffic. And there's 16 lanes, I believe, on Highway 80 right now, where near where I actually, my parents live right now in Folsom, California. And there's generally going to be a, a lane called, high occupancy community. vehicles, HOV lane, okay, high occupancy vehicles. Now [00:07:00] to get into this lane, you have to do some planning because you have to have more than one person in the car. You could get a ticket and hopefully you will get a ticket because it's a little bit faster when there's really heavy traffic especially, but it takes you getting into that lane with somebody else.

Planning to go wherever you're going, potentially carpooling, put a little more forethought into it, but it's not hard. It's very simple. I mean, you may not have somebody, but maybe you can carpool to work. That's why they have that lane, to encourage people to ride together. So the first action to take to build mental toughness is plan some fun in your life.

Plan like you would have to to get into that HOV lane. So I'm not kidding here. I mean, people forget how to have fun in their lives when they have a bunch of stress. So what do you have planned that you're looking forward to in the next week, in the next day? I would encourage you to have something at the end of every day that you're looking forward to.

I'm looking forward to watching the Monday night football game tonight. I'm looking forward to relaxing tonight. I'm looking forward to actually going to bed and reading before I go to bed. But I don't think about those things unless Plan them [00:08:00] into my lives and intentionally focus on them. Some of them are habitual, some of them are just things I have planned for this evening.

So what goals do you have that are going to challenge you to grow? Those are things you can plan into your life to work towards. So one of my goals before I was age 50 is to become a better golfer. And so I've worked that into my life, I'm a little bit better because I've planned it in my life. It's exciting to watch golf videos at night for me because I'm working on different skills.

For example, If you plan things, Thanksgiving's coming up, and what are you going to do that is fun and plan into your day? I mean, I'm planning on, with some of my cousins, throwing a frisbee, playing poker, throwing around a football, connecting with people in a deeper way, asking them questions that make them uncomfortable.

Just kidding. Being curious about their lives, having some fun. I'm planning on having some pumpkin pie. And I may, I haven't committed to this yet, but I may make sweet potato pie, which is one of the only things that I can make that's a dessert that I have some confidence in.

So an action you can take, I know it sounds simple, just like getting to that HOV lane, is you can start making a fun list. I've encouraged many, many people [00:09:00] to do this over the years. Some things on my fun lists are ping pong and darts and reading and watching sports. And I plan and try to plan those into my life.

I can plan a workout into my life and it's not gonna necessarily be fun, but I know when I'm done, it's gonna be fun and something I'm glad that I engaged in. You can look at your list when you're struggling because you will struggle. And you can get some ideas on the link I'm sharing in this podcast called How to Be a Better Friend to Yourself.

And it has ideas on how you specifically can plan some fun into your life to take care of yourself, to love yourself. And why wouldn't you, if you love yourself, not have fun? You know, the people that don't plan things that are fun in their lives and that criticize other people aren't happy with themselves.

They're sabotaging themselves. Why would you want to do that? You increase your self care and your love for yourself by having fun and looking forward to things in your life. Not escapism, but genuine fun with a time limit. You're not doing it all day. You're doing it for a period of time. So the second thing to do to build mental resiliency is to deal with your anxiety.

Now to review, [00:10:00] we have a sympathetic nervous system state and we have a parasympathetic state. Now a sympathetic state is the fight, flight, or freeze. Okay? It's, and I hope I don't get these mixed up here. I shouldn't. I've been a mental health professional for a long time, but the sympathetic states fight, flight, or freeze.

You're focused. You get tunnel vision. You have this one thing that you're afraid of that you're focusing on and you really aren't going to be creative. You're not going to relate well to people. Parasympathetic state is rest and digest. It's when you get into a state that you're learning how to let Things go, you're learning how to relax.

Anxiety is self protection. Worry sticks seven times faster than gratitude. It's much stickier. It's like Velcro versus Teflon. And I remember from last week, the last podcast I produced was, I've told you about putting on that Ironman suit. We do. We put on this anxiety to protect ourselves. It's self protection.

If we have this force field or this suit on that people can't really see our flaws, they can't criticize us, but they really can. We're actually much more in danger with that Iron Man suit of anxiety on than we are when we take it off. We just don't feel that way because we're vulnerable in those situations where we [00:11:00] can't access the full state of our capabilities.

We can't relax and learn to trust ourselves and learn to enjoy people and enjoy life and experience life rather than staying stuck in stress and anxiety. Many people over the years in this line of work of mine have told me they don't have any anxiety because they have a lot of professional success or they have a lot of success in certain parts of their lives.

They're really good at some things and they will tell me that and then eventually they'll come to the conclusion that they do have a lot of anxiety and even they'll come to the conclusion that the roots of their anxiety may stem from their past from way back in their past but they have this fear and this performance anxiety.

Other people's opinions really matter. Their performance really matters so they become a very good performer in the process yet they've had to live with this tremendous anxiety that they are not even aware of. I mean, people can't sometimes imagine what it would be like to not have to think about the next thing you're going to say, and to not have to worry about what other people are thinking about you, and to not have to worry about what you're going to do next in a situation, and how you're going to handle a situation that comes your way.

To not have to [00:12:00] worry about living it. in these confines and to live with freedom. And it seems scary. That's where people get afraid of success because they haven't experienced it. People can be afraid of living with low anxiety because they haven't been there. Not no anxiety, because you want to have a state of awareness, but low anxiety because they have not been there.

So an action you can take to face your anxiety is do something new in your life that is uncomfortable. Try something new that you're uncomfortable with. This Thanksgiving, this Christmas, the next 4th of July, try an icebreaker. And I'm going to link to a podcast, actually a link to an article that I wrote years ago that's very popular.

It's some of my favorite icebreakers that you can actually use. You can apply these at Thanksgiving. This year at Christmas, this year. And so two things you could do potentially is one, select a coin, get some coins that are all 1990 or later, have people pick a coin and then share something that happened in their life during that year on that coin.

That's something I'm going to do. I'm committed to doing. Another thing is to have [00:13:00] everybody share something funny that they experienced over the last year, over the last two years, whenever. When did they laugh until they cried? When did they laugh until they rolled on the ground? It could be something they heard or a joke that they heard and they can share it and it starts to break the ice.

You're the one who's leading the way though and that's where you're dealing with and becoming mentally tough because you're saying no, you're becoming a grown up in this process. You're saying, I don't want to do this but it is, Good for me to do this, so I'm going to do this, and I'm going to engage this fear, and I'm going to engage this uncomfortable situation because it's the right thing to do.

Other situa other things you can do to deal with anxiety, and you know this is simple stuff, is you can just start noticing your anxiety, becoming aware. That's fear talking, and call BS on it. Do a gratitude list. Journal every day, things you're grateful for. Do some reading, because you can't engage in the content you're reading while you're feeling anxious.

And when you do that, especially when you're really down and discouraged and you decide that I'm going to read for 15 minutes and you set your stopwatch and you [00:14:00] engage that content. And if you don't process the content, you go back and read that page. Eating a healthy diet. I'm kind of into researching paleo.

I've tried it. It is something that I like. I feel good when I do it. I haven't done it consistently, but I'm really considering making that a part of my lifestyle. Exercise and getting help. And there's many other things too as well. Getting help is number two on the list of actions you can take to build mental toughness.

And so this takes letting go of the outcome because you cannot control other people. You're asking somebody to help you like I did my friend Todd in my transition. Like I have Brent and like I did my friend Brian who produces this podcast as well who's going to help me with an interview that I'm going to have in a...

Tomorrow, actually. So trusting people means getting help. You're letting go. You don't even know if they can do it to the capacity that you can do it, but you're choosing to say, I'm going to trust them with this. And this builds camaraderie. It builds a sense of toughness in yourself because you know, you can handle things by trying.

And if it doesn't go well, it's going to be okay [00:15:00] because you did try and you made the best decision you could in this situation. Went to therapy in grad school when I was 25. And I got some help with some things that were coming up while I was in grad school, learning to become a mental health professional.

I've hired coaches over the years, but it wasn't until parts of my life were clearly falling apart that I engaged a mental health professional again. I was one, but I was one that felt like he had it together and he didn't. I mean, unfortunately I wanted to be the one helping people, yet I was the one needing help.

And I. Had some parts of my life that were a mess and I needed to get some clarity on those parts of my lives, of my life, you know, and I remember talking to a guy, you know, his name's Brock, a psychologist, and I was ashamed of my situation. I didn't want to tell anybody what I was going through because I was going through a very significant loss in my life and he was warm, he was helpful.

I didn't feel judged because I was also in the profession. All these things that I had in my mind that I thought were going to happen didn't actually happen. I love [00:16:00] referring people to him. I would talk to him again if I needed help, and will talk to him again, potentially, if I need help. And I've talked to other clinicians, but getting help is a humbling thing, but it's something that is so incredibly powerful.

I know for me, two years ago, when I had a very difficult time in my life as well, I started to deal with some things that happened a long time ago in my life and it brought back and increased my anxiety temporarily but it was getting help from a professional to help guide me through it and then it started to decrease my anxiety and help me to let go of this stuff and to not blame myself for stuff where I was a victim and not blame myself for things that I was carrying and learn to relate to other people in a different way and to see how all these things that I've been through can be used for good to help other people and it started to become a powerful thing.

I grew in my confidence as a coach and helping other people. I grew in the way that I believed I could get somebody to that next step in their life, that goal that they were trying to reach to. I could get and fill that gap at a new level. And I had been doing this stuff for a long time, but my confidence, [00:17:00] it was hurt and it was hit.

And it's probably never been as good professionally as it is now. It's still... I still struggle in some other parts of my life, like in some relationships and potentially dating and romantic relationships and some other areas professionally, but as far as helping people I can see and make the connection.

But it took me asking for help to get that kind of help. Even today, I've... Have some China from my grandma, a big China set that I'm going to give to my sister as a wedding present, because, and you know what, I feel ashamed to say this, I told her I was going to send it out to her, she lives in New York, she actually lives all over the world, and Italy often, but she travels a significant chunk of the year, so it's hard to time when I'm going to ship it, and it's a lot of China, it's a Full set and it weighs a lot.

But I went into FedEx today and I started asking questions and getting some feedback and help on this project. And they said, you can, we can do this. We can bubble wrap it. We can pack it and we can ship it. We can do it all. And it wasn't that much more expensive to have them actually do it.

And that was a huge weight off my shoulders. I asked for help. I [00:18:00] got some help and I have a solution. I thought that was going to take me and my daughter a lot of time to bubble wrap all these dishes. I mean, we're talking about probably a hundred items here but that was very encouraging. to me. And I recently trusted somebody as well that I didn't normally put a level of trust in professionally.

And I just let go of it. It could go bad, but I think it's going to go really well because it's a situation where I think they've learned and they're going to grow. And they were encouraged by the amount of trust I had in them, given the history I have with the employee. So it was really, or the contractor or the person who I delegated something to.

So, I mean, it's really a cool thing to see when you. Take the chance to get help and ask for help from other people. You can ask for advice from other people. A wonderful thing and some way you can actually grow. So if you found this podcast helpful, hit the link to Shatterproof yourself. I am so excited about this new course that I'm launching.

And this is the mini course that you get for free and it has a worksheet and it's seven small steps to a [00:19:00] giant leap in your mental health. It's great for a workplace team, your friends, your family. The content resonates personally and professionally. You go through the video. And you go through the worksheet, you download them, and it's going to have a huge impact on your life.

This is Mental Health Awareness Month. This is exactly the kind of content that you want your workplace team to have. It's the stuff that's changed my life, and it will change yours, and it's going to be Inspiring stories and examples and challenges for you to get to that next level in your life with your own mental toughness.

So number three is to do the next right thing. So often I ask clients, what do you want? What is the next step for you? And they know exactly what it is and they're able to write it down. And then I ask them, are you committed to that? And what's the deadline? And they struggle. Or even they tell me and they don't follow through with it.

Not often, but sometimes. I challenge them. I hold them accountable. That's what a great coach does. They hold you accountable in a courageous, loving way. Not beating you up, but helping you to see, asking the questions that give you clarity to see what you're missing, to [00:20:00] see why you're stuck, to see why you're not going and taking the action that you talk about, but don't put your feet on the ground to move towards.

That's what we're talking about here. So the next right thing, how do you know what it actually is? You know because you trust yourself and you trust the people that love you and care about you that are not Judging you or judging your situation or giving you quick from the hip feedback. They're listening and learning I see this from families frequently where they go somebody goes to their family with a problem They're struggling in their marriage or they're struggling because they had a child that's making bad decisions or somebody Betrays them at work And their family, because they're hurt, they say, just quit your job, you know, just leave.

You're better than that, you can go. Those are not the people that you want to be going to get help from in that specific situation. They're too close. They can't see the forest through the trees. You're pe the people that, I'm not saying your family doesn't love you and your friends don't love you, but there's people in your life who can step back from the problem and see the big picture and they can give you wisdom.

And wisdom is a balance between [00:21:00] emotion and knowledge. And it's trusting their instincts. They may have knowledge about the situation and they may trust themselves and be able to weed through the emotions that you have so they can give you the right kind of direction. Those are the people you want to go to and talk to, especially in a crisis.

It is a difficult thing to know that you can't go to your family and people who are longtime friends in a crisis because there's. They're too close to you and then they can get hurt and they can become selfish as well because they make it about them sometimes. And they're uncomfortable with the situation so they put that onto you by trying to give you a quick fix.

And then you feel discounted, you feel discarded, you don't feel validated because they're not taking the time to listen. You're gonna find out those people you trust, the professionals that you trust, the friends that you trust, do the next right thing based on the feedback that they give you and trust yourself, you know.

That is something, if you know that you have a medical issue that you haven't actually dealt with, and you don't want to do it, you [00:22:00] really don't want to do it, because you're embarrassed, or you're struggling, or there's some situation at work, a person that you need to address, that you want to address something with, and it's on your list, but it keeps not getting crossed off, and That's the next right thing.

The next right thing might be talking to that person in that restaurant or smiling at somebody or waving at somebody or thanking somebody for their great service and looking them in the eyes and appreciate giving them a level of appreciation they haven't gotten all day. And you can make somebody's day when you do that.

Take the risk to do the next. Right thing. So when I was at one of my low points again, 2015, I had, you know, again, dealt with a massive blow. I did not wanna open up to people the right thing for me. Well, when I wasn't sleeping for a significant amount of time, the right thing was to go and talk to my doctor.

I didn't do it for a period of time. Eventually I did, and I started to get some sleep, because when sleep decreases, anxiety increases. That's a fact. The more you lack sleep, have sleep deprivation, your brain is not going to function well. It's not in anybody's situation. It [00:23:00] will, for me, for one night, but that's about it.

And even then, it's not functioning nearly as well. Give me two nights and I'm dangerous. It's not a good thing. Luckily, thank God, I have overcome a lot of sleep challenges. I needed and knew the next right thing was to talk to my friends about what I was going through, yet I wasn't doing it. I needed to open up to family.

The ones that I felt could handle it. Even very little things about what I was going through, my situation I didn't share, which could have given them some insight into why I was struggling. I didn't open up. Those were the next right thing on my, not right things on my list. So what you can do here is to make a list of the things that you believe you're putting off, you're avoiding, but they're the next right thing in your life.

And you know, even during the day, what's the next right thing. I mean, it could be encouraging your coworkers more often, recognizing what they're doing right, refraining from saying that critical thing, showing and pointing out. What strengths you see in them, giving them words of affirmation in forms that you haven't done recently, like an email or a note or buying them something.[00:24:00]

I don't know what it is for you, but I guarantee you if you listen to yourself, if you trust God with this process, you're going to see that. People are pointing you, your instincts are pointing you towards facing that next right thing. I'm not saying it's not going to require a pay cut or something scary or letting go of that security in your life.

It may very well. Giving and being generous can be the next right thing. It's going to be sacrificial. It's going to be done willingly. And, you know, it's going to be done proportionately. Yes, I heard that in a great Life. Church sermon recently, but thanks Craig Groeschel for that one. And so I.

Know that you're going to know if you start listing these things out on a list and you start crossing them off one by one. I mean, you may prioritize them A, B, and C. I like to start the day and challenge people to start the day with three objectives that things are going to get done no matter what during the day.

You will feel happier. You will realize that you can be an adult and not give your emotions a vote. You know it's a very difficult situation, but your emotions are lying to you. You [00:25:00] know this next right thing got onto your list for a reason, and then you are going to be the one who goes ahead and says, I'm going to do this come hell or high water.

I'm going to make those five sales calls. I'm going to deal with that. difficult family situation, I'm going to apologize for something I did wrong, or encourage somebody that I know I'm putting off encouraging. You are going to start crossing off the things on that list. There you have it. So let's go ahead and discuss these things in review.

Number one is plan fun stuff. Number two is deal with your anxiety. Number three is get help. And number four is do the next right thing. So what are you going to do with this content? Come on. Remember my rule, 20 percent of life transformation is insight. You're gaining some insight today in this podcast, but 80 percent is application.

It's action. It's doing it, doing that next right thing. An okay plan you take action on is a hundred times better than a great one that you never Act on. So what resonates with you most today? By the end of the day, [00:26:00] take action. Take an emotional risk to apply some kind of insight you received from this podcast today.

If you want it to stick even more, teach it to somebody as a tool to somebody else in the next, by the end of the day today. And if you love this episode, tell somebody about the Decide Your Legacy podcast. Share it with somebody. Hey, check this out. If you're local, love to get more local people that check this out.

Have me out to speak. to your team this year. I'm booking events live and over Zoom. Hire one of my legacy coaches or me to do coaching to help you on your legacy journey. I would love to get started with you. Many of you listening I know are a great fit as well. So, and you want to get on my calendar, As it fills up, I can't always get everybody in unless you take action to reach out, because there is a process to get started.

I'm going to go ahead and sign off the way that I always do. Make it your mission to live the life now that you want to be remembered for 10 years after you're gone. You decide your legacy, no one else. I appreciate you [00:27:00] greatly, and I'll see you next time.