So have you ever had somebody that you really care about who keeps making the

same bad decisions? They isolate their drinking

addiction and you want to help them? It

bothers you, right? Like, you see their life going in a direction

and you may even think, like, I could fix them or whatever. But you're struggling

to know how to help. I bet you can relate. I can relate. And I

can also relate because I struggle as well. And I want someone to

fix me, but just kidding about that. But I want to help.

So this is the Decide youe Legacy podcast. Today we're talking about

seven powerful ways you can help other people.

Your friends, your co workers, your family, even

strangers. And at the end of this, I got a crazy story to share

with you. It involves me actually getting shot at with my buddy

Josh. Stick around. And if you haven't already, check out episode

148, where I talk about the first four ways powerful ways you could help

other people. I'm covering the next three today. At the end of

this podcast, you're going to feel inspired to reach out and to do some

productive things. It's going to surprise you what those actions are.

Maybe making some mistakes that you haven't even identified yet. I'm

Adam Gragg. I'm a family therapist, and I'm a legacy coach.

I have been doing this kind of work for over 25 years.

My business is called Decide youe Legacy. Founded

it in 2012. And my purpose, my aim

is, and our aim as a company is to empower every person and

organization to live courageously. Nothing is

more important to your mental health than being courageous.

Nothing's more damaging than just playing it safe. So I like to start off every.

Off every episode sharing something that I've done

recently that was courageous. It may not feel courageous to

you, but it was for me. So what I did is I had a

business meeting last week with a company that's interested in

hiring Decide youe Legacy. And I brought in another

business leader to join me. And I hadn't actually done that

before. He's in the same industry. He's actually

very experienced. He had a ton to offer. It was uncomfortable for him. It was

uncomfortable for me, but it ended up being a really

positive connection for both businesses. And I learned a lot and

I grew. So, hey, I want you to start with an

action as well. Who is somebody in your life

that you see potentially struggling.

Maybe it's a sibling or a parent

or a friend, and you struggle to know how to actually

encourage them, how to help them. I want you to think about

that individual. Often it is good to think of a sibling or a

parent because those are people you interact with a lot. And you've

probably built up some bad habits that you can work on breaking

today. Let's go ahead and jump in and work on breaking it. So if

you haven't already, go Back to episode 148, first four.

First four ways you can help people is you can help them clarify a vision

for their future. You can help them face their junk that's holding them

back, their past bad habits. You can help

them have a change in attitude to shift their

perspective. You can help them understand what they bring to

interactions and see it clearly so they understand they

can go into relationships and they add value.

Good stuff. So why do you want to actually help people?

Well, helping other people is really

why you exist. You're made for this. You're made to give back,

and it builds your connections with people. It's very

gratifying to see somebody make changes in their

life, to face their own fears, to live courageously. And you

know, at some level that you may have had a part in that.

And it's really gratifying years down the road to say, well,

I engaged in that relationship in a way where I may have had a part

in that. You have powers that you may not even actually know about.

You know, my dog Max turned 16 just last

week. I didn't actually know. The vet told me that's what the record said. So

he may be a little older, maybe a little younger. Whatever he is, he's the

oldest dog at this vet clinic where he actually

does. They do boarding and everything. And it wasn't just a

month ago when I got a call on the last day of a vacation.

I'm driving in the car with my mom and the vet calls and says, I

don't think your dog's going to make it. I was coming back the next day

and my mom started crying. And so. And I'm

like, you know, I'm sad. I mean, this is a good friend of mine, my

dog. Yeah. But I'll tell you what, man, I got back and

they're like, this miracle has happened. He must have known you were coming back. He

bounced back from that. He's deaf and incontinent. That's okay. You

will be too when you're 112 and so. But he

bounced back, man. I mean, I dropped him off there today and they're like, we

don't know what happened to him. And I said, hey, there's power. We underestimate the

power of love because he feels loved. And you can do the same

thing with other people in your life. Amazing stuff. So the first

power that you may not be aware that you actually have is you can help

people actually experience their feelings, experience their

emotions. People basically have three choices when it comes to

their feelings. They can stuff them, they can suppress

them, push them down. And oftentimes people who have that

habit, they invalidate emotions in other people because they're not comfortable with

them and themselves. Other people are hurting. Other people are

struggling. Other people are excited. They have trouble saying things like,

hey, I can really tell you're excited and being excited with them. Or if

they're sad, it seems you're really struggling and getting.

Stepping into that sadness with them. We can invalidate

by telling people to get over it, even just by our body language, by our

own level of discomfort. So the second thing you can do is you can express

them, and this can lead to some really bad stuff. It's like

you're taking orders from your feelings. I feel like I must say something to that

person, and I go ahead and say it to them, and it ends up derailing

the whole relationship. You know, I feel like I should tell them off

for disrespecting me, and I go ahead and tell my server

off. You know, you're not paying attention to me. What are you doing? No. If

we listen to them and we go down that path, it can lead us really

down a negative spiral into the gutter. So you don't want to take orders for

them. You don't want to actually listen to what they're telling you to do, even

in private. So they may tell you, you know, you're so tired, take a nap,

procrastinate. You don't have to face that thing right now. You can face it later.

Go ahead and watch TV instead of preparing for your next

podcast or preparing for your next client. Nope, you don't need to do it. And

then that leads us down a spiral as well. They're not our friends. They can

give us very valuable information. And that's kind of the contradictory thing here. It

may sound really contradictory because they give us insight

into ourselves, and they also give us insight into our perspective and our

attitude. But they don't re. They don't give us truth all the

time. They don't give us that actual direction. They can actually tell

us where, what not to do, rather than what to do. So the third thing

you can do, which is what I want you to encourage you to do with

people you care about is you can experience them, you can learn from them.

If you feel a certain way, it doesn't actually mean it's true, but you can

still learn and identify and say, I'm really feeling excited about this

person and I think I'm going to marry them.

But then you realize that you've just had a few too many

drinks and this is not a healthy decision. Not me, I'm saying

you. So anyway. But you can get bad advice from these

feelings. You can observe and say, I'm really afraid

here and why, what's going on here? Well, maybe it's connected

to a bad experience you had previously in a certain

similar situation and you're able to identify that and step back from

it and then not take orders from it, from it. So recognizing them

gives you power over them. You're able to identify what's going on.

You can do that. You have the power to do that. But some of you

don't believe me. But I'm going to give you an example to show you. So

a client, this is actually very recent. The guy

came in and he said that his wife struggles with him because he's not

open about his feelings. And I asked him, well, what benefit

would it be in your life if you started talking about your emotions? And he,

he sarcastically said, no, just no benefit. You know, it wouldn't really do anything.

Emotions, those things are silly, you know, and he was totally joking, but he was

making a point too that he wants to push him away. The

sarcasm was a self protective function. And the guy has

kids, the guy has friends, family, job, successful

dude, and he's learned to function this way. And we talked a little bit about

it and it boiled down to that. In his life

there have been a lot of situations where he hasn't failed, felt, seen,

and it goes way back. Like, like he's, he's been in

situations where he's had to be the funny guy. He's felt

that way at least. He's been in situations in his life from early

childhood where it was about performance, not being

accepted for who he is. And so that feeling can go pretty deep.

And just the talking about it in that setting with me

as his coach and everything, I believe that has tremendous benefit. You find somebody safe,

you can be that safe person to talk about whatever it is behind

where it started. And they realize that a lot of

this emotional stuff is based on

stuff in their past that they can unpack and undo and that safety you can

provide for them by validating them, by helping them talk about it, by helping

them identify it, by pointing out to them. Like it seems to me you feel

frustrated, it seems to me you feel insecure. It makes sense to me you

feel that way based on what you've gone through in your life. That's the validation

you can get at. And you can ask questions like, you know, how are you

feeling about this? Really? People that are not comfortable with their

feelings are going to struggle with that potentially, but don't relent.

Why? Because it's not about you. It's about helping.

It's about helping somebody else. That's crucial right there.

In fact, if you go into trying to help other people and you're making it

about you, then you're going to be triggered by their emotional reactions.

If you're making it about helping somebody else, then

you're able to sit with it even when they're pushing you

away because you truly believe that this is helpful to them. It's going

to require you getting uncomfortable. So maybe you can think in your own

self. What are you putting off because you're afraid and why? And then

how do you feel about it and what is the foundation of those

feelings that gives you some insight? Great question

to ask yourself even at the beginning of the day. What do I not want

to engage in the most? It's probably something you could spend some time

processing and then taking some steps to actually engaged

engage. So the sixth powerful way you can help other

people is you can help other people care for

themselves. And I am not a woo woo self care

dude. In fact, my thinking about self care is going to

probably shock you. So I think it's great that people have

hobbies and I believe people should have hobbies for one

main reason. Because those activities

that you find enjoyable take the focus off

of yourself and they put it on something

healthy. I'm talking about healthy hobbies. All right, so I'm

not talking about escapism here. We can justify and

rationalize something as a hobby that's really us escaping and avoiding, but

those rejuvenating, energizing, passion

driven activities that you find

the next day to have filled you with energy. It's filling you with energy

because you're taking the focus off yourself

and you're putting it on to something productive that you can continue

to develop. Getting the focus off yourself is self

care. That's what causes people so many issues, is

they're consumed with their own feelings, they're consumed with what they

want, and they're forgetting that they have a Lot of ways they can help

other people. I told you it'd kind of shock you. When I was

22, I started mentoring a kid

through a mentoring program here in this town

that his name's Robby, and we still have a good relationship. Today

he was 12. Okay, so I'm 51, he's 41. Or

he, I get it confused. He's 40, he's 10 years or 11 years younger.

Okay, so he had gone through. And when I was matched with him, he had

gone through a lot of significant challenges. You know, he was in foster care.

He hadn't met his father. He was struggling. And I

remember being incredibly insecure. You know, what do I have to offer this kid?

Okay, I'm going to give it a shot. Because people have convinced me this is

a good thing. That was basically my attitude. And I remember taking him to the

YMCA and sitting in the parking lot and I

said one thing, and I don't even know where it came from, but I said,

man, Robby, you've gone through a lot.

And he got emotional

and I got emotional. I was shocked.

And I, at that point, I

realized that I can help people in

ways that I have. No, that I never thought I could before.

It was like this. It was the start of a

great relationship. And we talk. I

mean, we hang out. He's married

now. He owns his own business. He owns a construction business.

And it's a super cool thing. And I look back and wonder, where did

it start? It changed my life.

And I believe it impacted his life as well. And one way it changed my

life is I realized I want to get more tools. You know, I want to

learn what's going on here, because this is filling me up so

much and creating so much excitement in my life that I don't want this to

stop. And I never thought it actually could happen. Cool stuff.

And I'm able to. And you're able to help other people

identify these ways that they can give back. I mean, sure, ask

them about their hobbies, even invite them to engage in your hobbies, but help them

to see that they have tremendous value to give. And I find that when

I engage in healthy activities that are rejuvenating, I,

I, I, I check, I go, I get back from this self

consumption and this performance mentality and self promotion. And

I realize, man, I got something to give back. And I want to give, I

want to give back. And it's so energizing because then it's like, man, this is

what life's about. I can help People. It's like with your kids. I mean, some

of the most incredible times are when you have these connections over

something they're passionate about, and you get to validate and you get to build into

them that kind of passion. So really cool

stuff. Reaching out and figuring

out ways that you can help people identify. So identify how they can

impact other people. How they can impact other people.

So the sixth powerful way you can help other

people is helping them to build

connections. And one of my

most favorite things to do in life is

connecting people I know with other people. I know so good

people with other good people. And then seeing how

that relationship transitions into something bigger

and better. One thing about it is

that it is a risk. You're connecting people. But

it's very gratifying to know that you can. You can do this.

I'm generally always uncomfortable with it, but find that when it's

done, which is how you know you're engaging in something that's really great,

is when it's done, you know, the next week, the next day.

Although it's maybe uncomfortable in the moment, I'm like, I'm really glad I did that.

That was a good thing. So inviting

people to. That you don't know, to join you with other

friends, playing golf or going fishing or for

coffee. Hey, we'll meet up and have coffee. I want you to meet somebody. This

is cool. Or over email, you're connecting people, you're inviting

them to play poker. But in all these situations, you're the one who's willing to

go first and to initiate the interaction.

I had this situation when I was

16 that I was talking to some other buddies about, and

it was basically, who knows, crazy experiences we've been through in

life. Well, at age 16, I had a

shotgun pulled on me. And then another friend was saying, well, describe the

situation. And I told them about it. And actually, the shotgun wasn't just pulled

on me. It was actually fired at the back of my car. You ever

had those moments? I bet you can relate. When you're with a friend and you

go through this experience that is so

shocking that it's never going to be something

you forget, and it bonds you in a way that you couldn't possibly

imagine. I didn't actually realize what

had happened in the moment. I heard this big bang. But my buddy Josh,

who is another friend, somebody I'm still close with today,

he. He was calm. We were both shocked about what was going on.

My heart was pounding, and we heard it. We sort of felt it in the

car. If you know what that feels like to get the back of your car

blasted. I mean, hopefully you don't, but you do kind

of feel it. I remember the whole situation, like what happened.

And as I look back, I think on that

situation, the part that stuck with me the

most from then is that we didn't

freak out, like we were already friends. He didn't scream,

you know, and shut me down and tell me I'm stupid. And we drove

off. We were grouped and we already had a good friendship. But

it's a memory we talk about at least every six

months. And it was an experience that connected

us. Real friendship isn't built during the fun times. It's

actually revealed during the hard times, during the circumstances

that we didn't choose for ourselves. That's why people build great connections.

Often when they're going through something very difficult in their life,

like a divorce or a job firing or a

financial turmoil, it proves to us that they're

more than a casual acquaintance. And you have the

ability to connect other people. How? Well, think about the situations where

you can just invite somebody to join you

in whatever you're doing. Exercise. Hey, you

want to go? I have a friend who recently, once a month has

been planning pickleball events and he just sends

out a Google invite and sends it out to maybe eight friends or

whatever. And people go, who can go? But he's been planning that consistently,

so it shows up on my calendar. It's like, I wish I could go

and I want to go. But it's that invitation that makes you feel

included. And also there are people that I would connect with in that environment that

I don't even actually know. Very cool stuff. It's

going to show you as connect as you connect people

with these other people you want to help, that you can let

go and things can happen. You don't have to control it.

Hopefully you never get shot at. Okay, that's not what

I'm recommending here, but I am recommending that you find ways to connect people

and even think about it. You know, look around you. Who's in life with

you? Who do you want to be in life with you more? Who do you

really want to help? Well, invite them. I recently invited my sister, who is

T.R. i have trouble connecting with, to attend a

business meeting as well, to get to know her on a different

level. At a different level. So she met my operations guy,

Lloyd, and it was a fun time. Very business

oriented, but it's kind of fun to connect with your sister that way. She owns

A business, successful business. And so it's really pretty

cool. So what's a moment in your life? Think about it when.

When it showed you who your real friends are. And I'd really

encourage you to share that so you can comment

and you can express that. You can write that

down below. If you're watching this on YouTube,

what's the situation where you really felt like you

learned who your good friends were? You know, just last week, I had

a situation where one of my clients was struggling in an area

in his specific line of work. And I had this other client who I

thought, man, you could really help this guy. And I connected him. I asked

for permission, say, hey, I know somebody you really probably talked to here.

And then they ended up talking on the phone on Friday. And I heard it

was helpful. I wasn't there in the interaction, but I only heard positive

things from both of the people that were involved in that conversation. And I had

a part in that. Man, that's pretty cool. Wow. You

know, like. And I don't know what it's going to end up,

what the end result is going to be, but there's no growth

in life without risky endeavor.

If you want to grow personally, with more freedom,

more connections, with more financial success,

whatever it might be, you're having to do things that are

risky, which involves courage, and you don't know what the outcome

is actually going to be. Think about it. You're going to help more people. When

you realize that I have to let go in my life

more, you can do that. So

seven ways to encourage others. This is part two. It's

motivating. And if you found this helpful, check out Shatterproof

yourself. This is our course. There's seven small steps to

a giant leap in your mental health. One of the big steps is on building

relationships. I walk you through whiteboards that I've shown to

clients thousands of times, and there's

videos of these whiteboards and worksheets that I've used with clients

thousands of times over 25 years. It's stuff

that you're going to need to take action on, and you can go ahead and

enroll in that course and you get community engagement as well.

So by the end of the day today, do something

with some insight that you gained today. Of these ways

that I shared seven ways you can help people, talk to somebody

about it, share it with somebody casually. Remember,

insight is less than 20% of transformational

change. Action is 80%.

Make a good plan and act, because a good plan that you

act on is 100 times better than a perfect plan that you do

nothing with. Remember, there's no positive change until you

decide. Deciding means you are

eliminating other options. You're deciding your legacy

today. Your legacy is the impact your life has on other

people. So do me a favor. Forward this episode to one

friend, share it and say, hey, this episode was helpful.

Subscribe and give me a rating and review on Apple

or Spotify. This helps the podcast to grow organically,

and I'm going to close the way that I always do. Make it your

mission to live the life today that you want to be

remembered for 10 years after you're gone. You decide

your legacy. Nobody else. And either you will decide your legacy or by

default, fear is going to decide it for you. I appreciate you greatly

and I'll see you next time.

It.