Adam Gragg: [00:00:00] Welcome to today's episode of the Decide Your Legacy podcast. I'm your host, Adam Gragg. And if you have not yet done so please hit the subscribe button. So you never miss another podcast episode. If you're out there and you love this podcast, if one of the episodes has really inspired you, please take the time to give me a review, give me a rating on Apple Podcasts. I will be forever thankful and grateful. That is the way the podcast grows and reaches more people. That is the way I get to help more people. It'll take you about 20 seconds. Do that on your phone quickly.

Every episode. I'd like to share a risk that I have taken recently. And you know, this one was one I kind of hesitated on, but the last episode that I actually recorded was with my sister on how travel could transform your life. And I have been thinking for awhile about taking my daughter on a trip to Europe. She's 15. She's never been over there. And, I decided to purchase the tickets and to book the rooms.

And so we're going five nights to London and five nights in Paris taking the Chunnel over. And it's just going to be about a week after, or a few days after she gets out of school. So that one is. Hey, you know what? I put some money down. I've booked it. I'm committed. It's a risk, you know, I will tell you that, it was scary to actually make the call and just do it, you know, because foreign countries, to me, that is something that scares me a little bit.

I will tell you that I am going to meet my sister and her husband and Paris. So kind of cheating a little bit. They are going to help us out on. Got some, they have a lot of expertise in that area.

So anyway, the topic today, I will tell you, this is something that I'm really excited about. It's on building a life that you love, building a life that you love. When clients come to me, usually they have some goal in mind and it relates to overcoming fears. It relates to having some peace in their life. It relates to. Finding some direction in their career or finding some direction, relationship wise, it's something they want to achieve. And ultimately it boils down to, they want to live life.

They want to love their life. They want to enjoy their life. And I, one of my favorite quotes and I've said this before, is. All time. Favorite quotes is from Abraham Lincoln, who is a hero of mine as somebody. I like to quote often it's not the years in your life that count, but the life in your years are you living life?

I think so many people are just going through the motions and not actually living a life, living the life that they want. It's not a selfish life. It's not a life. That's all about me, me, me, me, me. It's going to be a life about helping other people in some fashion. It's going to be a life about giving back, but it's going to be a life you enjoy and you're passionate about, and you're excited to wake up in the morning and roll out a bed.

Even though you may have a lot of fear because we do a lot of cortisol when we do wake up in the morning and I sleep in sometimes. And I give into that fear sometimes, but I'll tell you. We have the ability to live a better life and to live the life that we actually love. And so for those of you that don't know, my name is Adam Gragg and I am your host.

I am a life coach and mental health professional. I've actually been a mental health professional for over 22 years. And my life purpose is helping others is leading others towards transformational clarity that propels them to overcome their biggest fears. And those biggest fears are often relational.

They're often getting rejected. They're often doing something new, a business, a new relationship. But I want to help them find the clarity, propels them forward so they can live and leave the legacy that they choose, not a legacy that someone else has chosen for them, not something else's desires, but the desires and the wants and things that they want in their life and help them find that clarity.

I talk about stuff in such a way. At least I hope too, that a six year old can grasp the concepts. We're discussing a six year olds. You could talk to your six year old and say, Hey. Here's something I've learned. It's basic, practical, simple stuff you can apply immediately. In most cases, I also talk about stuff that I struggle with myself.

So I struggle with building a life that I love. I struggle with anxiety. I struggle with fear. At times I struggle with depression at times I struggle with self worth all of these topics just because I'm in the field. Doesn't mean I don't struggle with them. [00:05:00] This is a topic that I believe you'll leave here today with some things to think about that will help you to build this new, better, more fulfilling life.

And you know, that things happen. So I'll tell you a story and I may have shared it before. Is I in 2015, I was at my house. It was about nine o'clock and I got a knock on the door. And at the door was a firefighter and all their garb with face mask on breathing, everything saying that we believe your house is on fire.

I looked at him in shock. And then I looked in the backyard and there were four other firefighters I believe in the backyard. And what had happened is smoke billowed around a maple tree, beautiful maple tree. I had in my backyard, my old house, and it looked like my house was actually on fire. It was a windless day, pretty much, which is rare in Kansas.

And my daughter and her friend had made me dinner while my wife at the time was actually at a conference and they made me dinner and I had a fire in the fire pit going on. And that fire was, Hey, I guess. Made the house, it looked like it was actually on fire. And so they went in the backyard, they did some measurements, they didn't break any rules or laws.

But the reality is, is that at that point in my life, my life, my house, my life literally was on fire. I mean, it was, there were some things behind the surface that were going wrong that were bad. And basically at that time was when my marriage started to fall apart. Things started to happen and unravel, and eventually I ended up as you know, divorced, and it was a few years later, two and a half or so years later, but my house was on fire.

It was something I never expected could actually ever happen in my life. And for you out there listening, there are some things that have happened in your lives that you probably never thought could actually ever happen. Maybe you went through a divorce. Maybe you lost a loved one in some kind of an accident or tragedy.

Maybe you lost a child. Maybe you've had trouble with having children because of infertility issues, which I've experienced myself as well. Maybe you've had a job loss or a let down or career let down something in your life that hasn't gone the way you've wanted it to. And I'm here today to talk to you about a process that my coaching clients go through and really you can go through as well.

It's a process of transformation and it comes out of 22 years of working with clients and seeing what works and what doesn't work. And I call it the legacy side. And it's my firm conviction that you engage a process of self-reflection and you practice simple tools, but you practice them consistently and you reflect on what I call is a legacy plan, which has helped what I help people form in my coaching process.

You will have, and you will find the clarity needed to transform your life. You will transform your life because you're engaging in a process. Most people understand too, that there are processes in life that we have to actually go through in order to change. Now we have a grief process, you know, if you lose somebody, generally speaking, people go through a grief process and you know, those cycles, which come from Kubler-Ross, I mean, Firmly I've seen those in clients' lives.

You know, they often go through a shock period, an anger period, a bargaining period than a sadness, depression period. And they end up with some kind of, if they are willing to engage the process, they end up with some kind of acceptance of the situation. They don't wish it actually happened. They don't wish they actually lost that person.

Or they lost that marriage or they lost that job or they lost the. Special child or that special situation and never reached this goal or whatever, but they go through this process. And if they're willing to go through the process, they're going to get to a place where they're stronger and better, and they can actually look back and say, Hey, I don't wish that this actually happened, but I can see how God used it in my life and how God is using it in my life.

And they can see how I can help other people who go through similar struggles and similar problems and similar difficulties. Go ahead and make it through those. Struggles in their life. I can walk alongside them. So this legacy cycle, which I've actually D I mean, I mentioned, I meant it's developed over 20 years.

It does take self-reflection. So nobody works with me for coaching, unless they're willing to take the time to step back and do some more. I don't take on clients who aren't actually currently at a point in their life where they're ready to engage a process. So they may have some other things that they need to deal with before they start the legacy process with me, they may have some addiction or some anxiety or depression isn't being asked to be completely resolved, but they're working on it.

They're at least have a base level, so they can make the most of the process because it's an investment. And today what I'm going to do is talk to you about the legacy cycle. I'm going to talk to you about this cycle and this process that I take people through in with a little bit of detail, and it's going to help, hopefully you see that you can build a life that you love and a life that you want to wake up to every single [00:10:00] day.

And so if you found this podcast helpful at all, I will tell you that sign up at decideyourlegacy.com for my newsletter and you're gonna get five days to overpowering anxiety, a workbook that you can go through and you can give to your friends and you can go through again and again. And it's some of my best tools on overcoming anxiety, because anxiety is a core issue that keeps us from living the life that we love.

I see anxiety as like a self protective force field around us that keeps us from connecting with people that keeps us from doing the things that we want to do from being ourselves. And generally speaking, it keeps us safe. We perceive it keeps us safe. So we have this thing around us that we can break free of if we work at it, if we can actually do the hard work to break free of anxiety to move forward and to live the legacy and live out the legacy we deserve.

So you want to get that free tool, but let's go ahead and dive into the legacy cycle. So I love coffee. Most of you out there know that I love coffee. If you know me personally, if you don't, you're learning that now. I love caffeine. I love how it makes me feel. I love drinking it, learning about it.

Studying it, you know, I try not to drink any caffeine after noon, but I do love coffee. And so I have a metaphor that I've used with clients for probably close to a decade, but it's been refined and it's grown and it's a coffee metaphor that shows you how to build the life of your dreams to build the life you want.

And so the beans, you know, in order to have. This life that you want, you have to start with a good foundation. And so beans in this illustration, this metaphor and this model that I take clients through represent having good beans. You, you have to have good fresh beans. I mean, you can have Jamaica blue mountain.

You can have, you know, go to Starbucks, but in general you have to have good, fresh, well roasted, I mean, roasted properly ground, properly beans to get a good cup of coffee. And so that foundation that to your good cup of coffee. Going to be healthy relationships and practicing healthy relationship skills.

Which means affirming people, which means positive sentiment override, which means validating people you love and you care for which means saying things to them. If firming them. I mean, knowing what their love language, their appreciation language is and giving them some, some actual affirmation through the language that works the best for them, but those relationship skills we can work on just simply smiling, looking people in the eyes, you know, sharing somebody's first name.

Sing it again and again, because people love to hear their name shared with them. I mean, that's probably the most beautiful word in English language to that person. We can practice and work on and engage and build social skills. And that is foundational. That is foundational how to connect with people, how to build long lasting connections, how to be vulnerable and intimate, to grow, not talking about some romantic intimacy. I'm talking about just connecting with people, how to build friendships. We can work on those things and we do work on those things in coaching, if that's an area of deficit. And so another part of the beans is to develop a healthy self concept, to learn, to love yourself, to see what the good qualities are in yourself.

And you reflect on those good qualities. So all of you, you may ask your friends or family at some point, Hey, what are the things. You appreciate about me? What are the qualities you notice in me? And your honest friends and family are going to share some things that may be very helpful to you. And those are things that I want you to wake up in the morning and reflect on the fact that you are, you know, socially skilled or the fact that you're friendly, or the fact that you're intuitive, or the fact that you are intelligent.

Those are intrinsic, God-given traits that you can love yourself for, and you should love yourself for you should love yourself because if you don't, you're really no use to anyone else. You can't pour from an empty cup. You got to fill yourself up, you got to fill yourself up so you can help other people.

So that's part of the beans is a healthy self-concept and then emotional health is a part of the beans. LTS is part of fresh beans, the foundation, emotional health. What I mean by that is you're learning how to share and express your real emotions. You're learning how to share and express what you need and ask for what you need.

You're knowing how you feel. You're able to identify how you feel. And I've shared in past episodes about primary and secondary emotions. So initially when I get asked by a company to speak, I get excited. I got a call this morning from a company to speak and train their leadership team and maybe do a number of presentations throughout the year as well.

Possibly my initial gut level. Excitement kind of overwhelming. And then what I know happens, which I have a big speaking event next week is a couple of days before I start getting anxious and I'll identify it as anxiety or fear. I'll get nervous. I'll start doubting myself. I know it's going to come because it generally always comes.

And I can start talking myself out of that because I know my primary emotion is actually anxiety. My central nervous system is very intelligent. It knows it initially. I'm excited than that. Fear is based [00:15:00] on judgment and assumption. That's a secondary emotion that I have to work through. So we become more emotionally intelligent.

And that is a foundation, our emotional health, emotionally healthy people are people who do the best in life. I mean, I've never met somebody. That's, I've never honestly met somebody that is a millionaire that hasn't learned to work on their emotional health at some level I've never met. So maybe there are, I mean, I'm sure you can probably think of people, but very successful, highly successful people learn to identify their emotions.

The fourth part of those healthy beans is perspective. And again, I've actually never met somebody that's highly successful as well, that doesn't have some level of positive self-talk going on, that they're consistently practicing that's foundational. And so for me, I mean, I have my daily five and five. I wake up I'll list five things that happened that were good yesterday and five things I'm excited about later today, I have a gratitude list that I go over.

I try to recognize the anxiety in the moment and identify. A lie as something that's not actually me. I mean, everything I believe is not actually true. I can believe a lie as easily as I can believe something that is true. So I try and identify and replace that perspective with something that's much healthier.

Something that's going to propel me forward. So for example, if I am afraid to speak and I start thinking about all these things that can go wrong, people are going to laugh at me. I'm going to crack a joke and it's not going to be funny, or I'm going to trip and fall, or I'm going to whatever, you know, forget something.

In my wardrobe, cause I'm going actually going to be speaking out of town and I'm going to not have a belt and my pants are going to fall down. Who knows? I think about all these things that could happen that are the worst possible case scenario. And then none of them actually happen. I ended up enjoying the speaking event cause a lot of the fear for me goes away.

Once I start talking, honestly, it was kind of like for me, skydiving, you know, the fear went away. Once I actually stepped out of the plane. Once we get into that thing, we actually fear. And so, so much of our perspective and these healthy beans that we're creating requires us to stop the self-sabotage to stop the avoidance.

And so I spent so much time with people because they sabotage and avoid those most important things in their life that they actually have to do. In order to go through the process. So they sabotage it before it actually even starts. People do this with grief all the time. They don't actually engage the grieving process.

They just get consumed with work or they get consumed in a relationship or they get consumed in worry, or they consumed in an addiction like alcoholism or whatever addiction you might think of substance wise. I mean, they get consumed. So they don't actually engage the process to go to the place of acceptance, to live the life and the best life they actually can.

The next part, and there's really three parts to this legacy cycle. The first part is the beans you need. Good beans. The second part is creating filters in your life, a filter and the coffee metaphor takes out the grinds and it leaves you the good stuff. It leaves you the coffee. Good cup of coffee. So the filter.

Process in the legacy cycle process I take clients through is developing and identifying what is your vision? And I'm going to do a podcast on this, on creating a healthy vision for your future. A three-year five-year vision. You can decide three, four or five-year vision, but it kind of a short term vision that you can take people through.

And by the way, If you check out the show notes as well, you're going to get an image of the legacy cycle that I use. You can to get an image, and you're going to get an article that really briefly describes the process. I take people through in the coaching process. So the vision, it takes time to step back and self-reflect, again, people do not do this.

They do not slow down in our society. I saw a study recently or actually heard about a study recently where neurologists. R S are finding that we're giving ourselves attention deficit disorder because the average person checks their phone, like 262 times a day. No this morning, I went to work and I left my phone and I had two clients and then a break and my initial thought was turn around and be late for that first client.

And then I said, you know what Adam? Don't be a hypocrite. You don't need your phone. This is going to prove to you that you don't need your phone and you can get through your clients without your having your phone. And I did. And then I did go home and get my phone, but I always survived. I didn't actually have to have this thing.

You will not figure out the vision for your future, unless you do some more. Unless you actually do some work to step back and self-reflect, and I take people through that process where they actually through a meditation, I take them through, they actually through a worksheet. I take them through, they identify a vision for their future and it's not perfect, but it's something that comes out of them.

It's not anxiety. And fear-driven, it's actually coming from who they are. From their intuition from their soul, from who they are. And you do that oftentimes by taking some level of action, I'm amazed at how much of my vision for my future has come from me, engaging people in different ways. I remember one time, my dad, I was considering getting out of the counseling coaching business.

And my dad told me, he said, go to a neighborhood. And [00:20:00] I think I shared this before, where wealthy people live. It not like super rich, but where people who probably have good jobs and probably have done well live. And so he encouraged me and I decided at the time to go to the reflection Ridge neighborhood, which is just a neighborhood in my area.

And he said, knock on the doors of strangers and ask them what they do for a living. And I thought that was odd, but, I was at a point in my life where I was trying to challenge myself. And so I did that. I actually knocked on the doors of strangers and asked them what they did for a living and believe it or not, of 80% of people were happy to share with me what they did for a living.

And they were, they would talk to me about it. And I was surprised I was shocked. I mean, people ran dry cleaning businesses and people were in. Some very niche business, where they were developing and providing a service that only one or two companies actually purchased from them, but it was creating a very sustainable lifestyle for them.

I was shocked by what I learned, but it took me engaging through some kind of action to create that vision that I have had for my future, which is that, you know, helping people find this clarity, that's going to propel them forward. That's my vision. I mean, I share it all the time. And so you're also as a filter, you're going to create.

What is balance for you? Not a perfect 10, but what are the ways that you can create for a balanced lifestyle? How much time are you going to be spending with your kids and your wife and traveling, and how much energy, how much money do you need for a balanced lifestyle? What are you going to do socially?

Balanced when we're talking again, not perfection, but you're only going to your filter is going to create a situation where you take out all the bad stuff. That's going to lead to a lack of balance in your life, not perfection. Cause you have seasons in life when you're going to be out of balance, especially when you lose somebody, especially when there's a trauma, but you don't want to live there.

You don't want to live in that. In that situation, you want to find a way to have balance in your life. And that balance also relates to you. Career and how much energy you're putting into your career relates to how much energy you're putting into your spiritual life. And so you can be out of balance if you invest too heavily in any one specific area, and yes, even spiritually, you can be out of balance if you're neglecting your health in order to grow spiritually.

I mean, I hate to say that, but I've seen it and it can happen, but we want to figure out a way. And I develop and help people figure out a way, what is a realistically healthy, balanced life. Another filter takes out the bad stuff is your core needs. And so everybody has these core needs that they need to get met every day in order for them to live a good, healthy, happy life.

I know I need people around me every day in order to live a good, happy, healthy life. That's a core need that I have. Another coordinate that I have is to take some level of risks. And hopefully every day, emotionally being vulnerable. So in a position where I can get rejected, I told you before that, that I believe is one of, is one of the best anti-depressant and anxiety medications that I can ever take in my life is actually to get out there, to put something out there, to launch something, to do something.

Everyone has core needs. And I take people through the process to identify their coordinates. Sometimes that's doing personality assessments. Sometimes that's doing other assessments that can help identify what they need every day to thrive. Another part of the filter process is creating your core values, and I've done a whole podcast on this.

You can go back and listen to that, and there'll be a link in the show notes to that podcast as well. Identifying your core values. These are the behaviors that you deem. Most important for you to engage in every single day. And I find that the people have had the most happiness and peace are living aligned with their core values.

And they've gone through a process to identifying them. It's not easy because there's different types of values. There's those that are thrust upon you by other people. There's those that society gives you there's those that you. I believe you want to follow the, you aspire to follow, but they really aren't at your core, your values.

They're going to be unique to you. And so I've shared before my one of my core values is always help. And so I filter my hiring decisions. I filter the business projects. I take on the companies I work with. I want to engage with people who have a hopeful mentality and other core value that I have is to be a courageous risk taker.

I know that's a value. I want my company to always consistently be willing to do some different things, to take risks. I want to hire people who are willing to take some risks, not foolish risks, calculated risks, but to be a courageous risk taker. What are your values? You identify those, you start aligning your life to those, and you're going to have a happier life.

And then the last part of creating a healthy filter. Again, this is going to be in the model. You can go ahead and download on the podcast on this podcast, in the show notes as creating a life purpose statement is knowing and identifying. What is your purpose in life? Why do you exist? There's a unique purpose for you and your existence, and it's only unique to you and it's something that's God given.

And it's something you can identify. If you go through this process of [00:25:00] taking the time to step back and identify it, there are clues to it throughout your life. You've had times of inspiration where it's been pointing you in direction of your purpose in life. And many of you listening have avoided it, have avoided it and made an excuse for not living out that purpose.

And you've just gone through life at the status quo and taken jobs and done things professionally that have been at the status quo, not living out your purpose and you feel empty. There's a level of emptiness inside because you're not living out that purpose. That's a filter. So you should make only decisions that filter through balance purpose values needs.

And vision, and then what you get at the end of that process, if you get a good cup of coffee, so you've taken out all the trash, all the garbage, you've engaged the process. You've engaged this at a high level. You've stepped back. You've gone on walks. You've prayed. You've meditated. You've worked with a coach.

You've gone through Tune Up For Life. You've gone through my legacy coaching process, whatever it may be, but you've done some things to actually identify what the filters are. And you've really worked on the beans. And now this coffee in the metaphor, it represents setting the right goals. People set really crappy goals all the time.

Look at them. I see them. And I know, and I'd say, you know what? This isn't even you who set this goal, you know, well, you know, my wife said that goal, or, you know, I've just been thinking about it for so long. That is not honesty. That is not truth. That is not reality. You have to filter your goals to your vision.

You have to filter your goals to your purpose. They need to align. Sure. You could have some goals that are family goals that you set together as a family or professional goals. So you said together as a team, Ultimately the goals that are going to lead to the happiest life for you are the ones that you set and come from what you want and the legacy you desire and want to build.

That sounds kind of selfish, but it's really not. The most generous thing you can ever do is to actually live fully. Your life purpose that God has given to you. That's the most generous thing, because you're going to have the biggest impact on people around you. You're going to be light to people around you because you're doing what you are here on this earth to do.

And it's never going to be selfish. Like I said, it's never going to be selfish. So you're going to find the right and set the right goals. That's the coffee. And then you're going to establish the right habits to reach those goals. Intentional habits that work for you. So for example, there's an if then plan, you know, if my alarm goes off at six, I get up, you know, you create habits like an ideal schedule, which is something I have a great time working with clients on creating S you know, when are you going to go to bed?

When are you going to get up? When are you gonna work out? When you're gonna engage in hobbies and interests and relationships and do these things that you enjoy. But those intentional habits are really what leads you to your goal. You know, think of goals is something that you're, I mean, you can have goals that you're aiming at a target and it's the wrong target.

You know, it's like I set this goal and it's really my dad's goal for me. And I'm, so I'm aiming at something that has nothing to do with me, but everything to do with my dad. And that's not going to lead to any joy and satisfaction in your life. So these are going to be your goals that you have set, and you have established that come from who you are and who God created you to be.

And you're going to also. Establish really naturally as you filter. And so this comes out, I mean, you have the beans and you have the filter, what your mission is in life, because the mission is going to be the way you live out that purpose and the way you live out that vision and the way you live out balance in your life, your mission can change.

It can be right now to be an engineer, and then it can become, you know, running a podcasting business, or it can be right now being a physician and then it can become being somebody who develops alternative healthcare products, vitamins, and different acupuncture and different other things, because you're so passionate about it because you know, that's your purpose in life.

It can be, you know, owning one specific your mission may be to own one specific business now, but something may happen and no longer that business opportunity is no longer available to you and you start a new business and that becomes your mission. So I see clients at times, they come aligned with their purpose and they get this new mission opportunity.

And then they are transformed. It's like this life comes into them because they finally have found that mission. And it's aligned again with their purpose. It's filtered through. Again, one of my favorite quotes in the end. It's not the years in your life. That count. It's the life in your years, adding life to your years, by engaging a process.

I do know it's hard. I do know there will be all kinds of things that will make you want to second guess and not want to engage this process. But if you do, it will transform your life. I promise you. If you're interested in coaching with me, or you're interested in even coming to a workshop, reach out to me.

So I love to lead workshops with about 25 people and we go over this entire legacy plan, this entire legacy cycle, you can see it and you [00:30:00] can actually. See people's lives transformed in front of you. And so I do that with companies on a consistent basis on a regular basis. And I do that for the community sometimes.

So reach out to me if you're interested in going through the process with a group of people, reach out. If you want to hire me as a coach, I've shared this again. And again, that change and transformation is 40% shifting your perspective. It's starting to become aware that there is a problem in my practice.

That I am not thinking about things in a healthy way that I'm not valuing myself or I'm staying involved in toxic relationships because I believe that's all that I'm worth, or it's recognizing that I get my value from my performance and other people's opinions and starting to identify that and say, Hey, that's going through my head, I got to change it. And then it's identifying a new, healthy perspective and then taking action. That's the other 60% is taking action on that new, healthy perspective. So in that example, I'm getting myself worth from performance. So you take a vacation and you realize that life just goes on or you leave your phone at home and you write.

Life just goes on. You can survive, but it's the taking action that gives us evidence that this new perspective is actually truthful and real and can actually work. It's taking those assumptions and judgements that maybe you have about family members and then taking action and reaching out and going to lunch and seeing that, oh, they're different than I thought they were or going and talking to a stranger.

And when you have in your mind that strangers will reject you and realizing that they're going to accept you and love you. And they're actually kind of fun to meet. And there's some really good people out. So, what did you learn today? What's your takeaway from today? Think about one thing that really stuck out to you.

What is it? Something I said from the legacy cycle, was it something that I shared in a story or an illustration or whatever? What's that one thing you're going to take away, apply it in some level today. Take action today. You will lose it. If you don't apply it, if you will lose it, if you don't apply it.

So I'm going to go ahead and sign off just the way I do. Every episode of decide your legacy 10 years after you're gone. How do you want to be remembered? Are you living that life now? Are you moving towards that life now? Or are you not living in alignment? Are you dropping the ball on some way you decide your legacy?

You decide your future. No one else. I appreciate you. I'm very grateful for you tuning in and I'll see you next time. Thank you.