Ep66_BelieveInYourself_full
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[00:00:00] So I have a client in the home mortgage business and things have really slowed down for him recently. And he came to me and said, man, I am concerned about the business failing. All these people are counting on me. My family's counting on me, and I am concerned about the future. And I asked him, I said, you know, if the worst possible [00:01:00] thing happened, how would you handle.

And what would that worst possible thing pro be? And you know, he said, well, it would, it would fail. You know, I'd let people down. It would, the whole thing would fall apart. And I asked him, how would he, how would you handle it? And he said, and he paused. And you're asking a good question when you get 'em to really think about it.

And he said, you know, I'd get through it. I'd get through it. I've been through harder things in my life and I could see his confidence start to. increase as we talked about this, and you know, I've had some hard things, some blows in my life. I've had some situations where the worst case scenario actually did happen.

Some failures, some betrayals, but I'm not a victim. I've learned and I've grown through all these experiences. I would not be here today talking to you had I not gone through these challenges in my life. These are lessons that have helped me to help other people. And today what I'm gonna talk to you about [00:02:00] are, are, are six, six tools that you can use to believe in yourself, especially when you're struggling to believe in yourself when the carpet has been torn out from under you.

Six tools you can apply today. So welcome to the Decide Your Legacy podcast. This is the podcast that you do not just listen to. And if you found this podcast helpful. And haven't already done so subscribe so you'll never miss another podcast episode and pull out your phones. Take 15 seconds, give, iterating and review on Apple or Spotify, wherever you listen to your podcast content.

It helps it grow organically, which it has significantly.

Some risks that I've taken recently? Well, I'll just tell you just one. Okay? So I usually give you two, but I and I talk about risk because 70% of transformational change in is going to be actions. You have to take action to face your fears. 30% is insight. You're getting insight today. [00:03:00] Nothing is more important to your mental health than not playing it.

and nothing's gonna be more helpful to your mental health than actually taking risks and facing your fear. So what I did is I had a situation where somebody was saying some things that were not accurate about me and they were saying some things that it was in a situation where I had to, I felt like I had to defend myself.

It was not it cuz it involved my family and I stood up, I clarified, I made. Opinion clear. It didn't go well. I will tell you that much right now. It didn't go well, but I have, and I do believe that in the long run it will have gone very well because so much of what we do short term is gonna feel painful and not like it's benefiting us.

But in the long run, It's gonna have this huge impact cuz we're doing what's right. We're standing up, we're being courageous. It wasn't pleasant, but I believe it was greatly productive. So, I'm Adam Gragg. I'm a legacy coach, a speaker, podcaster, mental health professional [00:04:00] for almost 25 years. My life purpose is helping people find transformational clarity, the kind of clarity that inspires them and propels them forward to face their biggest fears, regardless of the consequences, so that they can live and leave their chosen legacy.

I talk about stuff that you can describe to your six year old child and they're gonna understand. I try to keep it really simple and I also talk about stuff that I struggle with myself. I'm a fellow traveler. I struggle with believing in myself. I struggle with all these things that I'm gonna talk to you about today.

I will challenge you to listen today, not just as a consumer, not just as someone learning, but as a teacher, that you're gonna teach this content to someone else in the next 24 hours. So this is the podcast that you do. So I want you to identify, to write down, to pull over in your car to just jot down or to speak it into your phone.

[00:05:00] How do you bash on yourself? How do you doubt yourself? What are the things you say to yourself? I'm unworthy, I'm helpless, I'm unlovable. I'm a failure. I'm not good enough. I can't change. What are these things that you say to yourself? I want you to write that down right now, and as we go Through this episode, you're gonna be able to adre address these self-doubts, these ways that you are mean and nasty to yourself, because I will tell you that nobody is generally nastier to us than ourselves.

Sometimes you got really nasty people in your lives, but just remember, no one is usually nastier to you than yourself. So number one, the first tool if you want to start believing in yourself is you have to accept your past. We've all made mistakes. We've all done things we regret. We've all done things we would do differently had we had different information or we know we would've addressed differently if we knew the full picture, cuz we didn't have the full picture in mind when we had to handle the situation.[00:06:00]

I get it. It's bad. I mean, we have messed up. All of us have messed up, have made mistakes, but if you don't accept it, you're gonna be taken the past with you every single day and carrying it with you into every single situation, and it's gonna destroy your life. If you don't learn to accept the past, what happened?

Happened. What you did, you did. You can't change it now. You can't change it. Now, how do you accept it? Well, I love this one quote from the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I believe it applies to everybody, not just alcoholics, everybody. So acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today when I am disturbed.

This is on page four 17 of the big book. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation, some fact of life unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity, no peace until I [00:07:00] accept that person, place thing or situation is exactly the way it is supposed to be. At this moment, nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by.

I believe that even my mistakes, my failures, the things that we do differently, I believe that the sovereignty of God can cover it up and change it and transform it and make it into something good. I don't understand it. I'm not gonna try to explain it. It's a matter of faith. . And in order to accept your past, I will challenge you first to say, what are these things in your past that happened that impacted you?

How did they impact you, and how did they impact you today? And then what did you learn? Those are three questions. What happened? How did it impact you, and what did you learn? So things that happened to me when I was a very young child, I can look at and say. Hey, you know, these things happen to me. I haven't addressed them until I was, you know, honestly, with my family until I was 47 years [00:08:00] old.

They happened to me. What did I learn? How can I let go of it? It's been transformative of my life. I mean, with, all I know is being, being a counselor for 25 years. I had so many things that I hadn't actually absolutely actually dealt with in my own life, related to my childhood, which I've started to deal with at this point in my life.

And if I learn and say, Hey, how has it helped me to help other people? It's a way I can accept what has happened in my past. And I wanna link in this episode to a worksheet called Impactful Life Events. So anything in your life that you know has impacted you, and you know, we all know it's there. It may have happened when you were five or six years old, but you still know because you have these faint memories.

You have this thing inside of you that you know, swells up at times. You know, some things have happened and I want you to go through that worksheet and address some of these impactful life events that you have had. You have to accept your past to move forward. So the second thing is, I want you to [00:09:00] forgive people that have hurt you.

Forgive, and forgiveness is all about you. It's about you and your wellbeing and your mental health. It is really not about the other person. They don't have. Apologize. They don't have to own what they've done. They don't have to admit that they've wronged you. You can forgive as an act of the will to say, Hey, I'm going to choose because I don't wanna hold onto resentment, which is gonna turn into things that are gonna hurt my life.

I'm gonna choose to let go. I'm gonna choose to accept that, hey, they did what they did because of the place that they were in. Yes, it was evil or yes, it was bad, or yes, it was. Harmful. They did what they did and that was related to them, not me. I'm gonna let go of that and choose to let go of that. And I'm not saying this is an easy process to forgive.

I'm not saying that it's gonna be something that you can just [00:10:00] simply do and choose to do. Just out of the blue, it's gonna take a willful act to say, I'm gonna choose to let this go. And it's very connected to letting go of your past. I'm gonna choose to let this go. It happened. , and I'm going to forgive.

It does not mean you have to trust somebody, though. It does not mean that you have to let them back into your life. It's very difficult when people hurt you again and again and again, and that's what happens in family sometimes, is you get hurt over and over and over again in the same. Way, and these are situations where I would encourage you to be assertive.

You can't just not address it. That's what I had to actually do. That's that risk that I mentioned that I had to take. I had to address something that was a pattern in my life. And so you find ways to be assertive. And being assertive means you're going to share how it impacts you, what you want, how it's gonna benefit the relationship if this pattern changes and you're gonna have to stick to your guns.

Regardless of the diversion tactics of those people that try to distract you, that have hurt you. And in this [00:11:00] podcast, I will share with you a worksheet that I have found incredibly helpful to myself and my clients have found incredibly helpful. It's an assertiveness tool that you will not wanna miss, that you can link to in this work, in this podcast, in the show notes.

You can utilize this worksheet by selecting a specific challenge, a repetitive pattern of behavior that you have experienced in somebody else, and you go in and you fill in your answers and it helps you to think in advance and to journal basically in advance how you'll handle the situation that you know.

you want to face because it's somebody you really care about. It's somebody you want a relationship with, you want a longstanding relationship with, and you know it's a pattern that needs to be addressed, so forgive those that hurt you. The third thing, Oh, and by the way, I have a great podcast, number 47, and it's on being assertive with difficult people in your life and in difficult situations.

It's gonna help you to really unpack this topic of being assertive, that I would [00:12:00] highly encourage you to engage as well. So the third thing is if you wanna believe in yourself, you have to build positives into your life. Think for a second. Imagine that you were told today that you had 30 days to live.

30 days, that's it. You had cancer, some disease, something. How would that impact your life and your decisions? I would only imagine that you would have a great deal of urgency to your life and that you would. A level of confidence that would probably skyrocket because you know that every moment counts.

From this point forward, every interaction counts. Everything you do is significant. You are going to make the most of this last 30 days of your life. What are you gonna do with it? How are you going to engage your life? That's a wonderful [00:13:00] meditation or wonderful way of stepping back from your life and saying, how am I going to plan in things that I know are the most meaningful types of activities that I can engage in in my life?

What are those things that energize you and how can you build them into your life? I would say that everybody should, and I hate to use the term everybody, but I will say that in this situation that you should do something. Be engaging, something where you're building mastery in your life, a skill that you can utilize consistently from this point forward that you're going to be growing in.

Whatever it may be. It doesn't matter if other people are interested in that skill. It doesn't matter if people judge you as you grow in that skill. It could be that you want to become a standup comic. It could be that you want to understand improv. You want to reali, you want to learn a musical instrument.

You want to learn how to sing. You wanna learn how to write, you wanna learn how to write poetry.[00:14:00] It doesn't matter what it is. , you wanna learn some skill in your life and you're gonna grow in that mastery. Those things are gonna energize you. So think how can I plan positives into my life?

How can I build mastery into my life? Is it listening to music? Is it playing pranks, which I love to do? Is it cooking? Is it talking to friends more frequently? Is it creating keepsakes, like calendars and things, you know, for your friends? Recording memories. Is it reading and writing exercise? Is it potentially taking a nap from time to time?

Are you putting those into your life? And so I'm gonna link here too. 30 Happiness Building Activities, 30 happiness Building actions that you can take. And also I want to just remind you that if you have found this podcast helpful, hit the link to shatterproof yourself. It's seven simple steps to deciding your legacy.

It's a workbook and a 45 minute video of me teaching you seven simple [00:15:00] steps. Actions that you can take that you're not gonna get from any podcast that you're not gonna get from any article that I've shared. You're only gonna get this content if you subscribe through this link. The fourth tool to believe in yourself is focus on other people.

Now that sounds really counterintuitive. When we believe in ourselves, we're willing to give back to other people. Because we know how much we have inside that is of great value to other people. We know that we can be a light in dark places. We know it's not about us. It's about what we have to give back.

It's, we know that these traumatic experiences in our lives have been given to us as blessings that we can use to help other people. So how are you going to take the focus off of yourself and to put it onto other people in your life? Are you gonna volunteer in some way? Maybe it's your youth group at church.

Maybe it's the homeless, maybe it's some [00:16:00] kind of food closet organization. Maybe it's some kind of charity, prison organization helping people. How can you get out there to give these gifts that you've been given and they maybe you're suffering and your pain and your grief that you can give to somebody else.

So, The prayer is St. Francis. I'm not trying to get religious here at all. So as you listen to this prayer, think of it as poetry. Something that can inspire you to give of yourself because that's good for your mental health.

To be giving back and you're taking it off of yourself. There's no more pity parties, there's no more victim kind of mentality. There's this what I have to offer to other people kind of mentality. That can inspire you, that will inspire you. So let me read this again, Lord. Make me an instrument of your peace where there's hatred.

Let me so love where there's injury. Pardon where doubt. Faith, where there's despair. Hope where there is darkness, light where there is sadness, joy. O Divine Master Grant that I [00:17:00] may not so much seek to be consoled as to console to understand as to be understood, to be loved as to love for it is in giving that we receive.

It is imparting that we are pardoning, that we are pardoned. It's in dying, that we're born to eternal life. Seek first to understand, not to be understood. Seek first to love, not to be loved. Imagine how that would transform your life. This is some amazing literature right here, . This is like, if you look at this, I mean, this stuff could just blow your world apart and change every interaction where there is darkness, light, where there's sadness.

You're gonna bring joy where there is doubt you're gonna bring faith. Man. Does that get you excited? Distinct inspiration, inspir. Is this inspiring to you? [00:18:00] Fifth thing that I got for you here is tell yourself the truth. Tell yourself what you like about yourself. I had a client just today, I was asking him, Hey, what do you like about yourself?

You know, and he paused. It was an odd question. I don't know if he had ever heard it before. He thought, He thought, you know, it took a while, . And then he said, I, he said, you know, I'm persistent. I persevere. I persevere. And I thought, in my own mind I thought, you hit it. You hit the nail right on the head cuz this is a guy who has experienced.

Some significant challenges in his life. I would argue that he has not had a healthy, consistent parental figure, and I mean, that is [00:19:00] tough. Yet he continues to push forward. He's a great dad. He's inspired me. He doesn't know this, you know, and he may not ever listen to this podcast, but he's inspired me greatly by just watching how he keeps moving forward.

If you will, just tell yourself the truth, and I would say look in the mirror at yourself every morning and say, and say, well, you start off with these three things. I am powerful. I'm lovable, and I'm worthy. Why you gotta tell yourself why? I will tell myself, because of God's presence in my life, I'm powerful, meaning I'm not helpless.

I can handle the situations that come my way. I'm lovable, which means that I am loved. I am loved, and just because I have God's love, I'm loved enough. I don't need anybody else's love. I want it sometimes, and it's good to have, [00:20:00] and I do. But I'm lovable. And I'm worthy. I'm worthy. And then after that, you tell yourself those four qualities that you love, that you do like about yourself.

So for me, when I look in the mirror in the morning, I tell myself I'm encouraging to others. I give them courage. That's what I think about encouraging. I tell myself that I am. Well, a friendly and curious person, which I like about myself. I tell myself that I am a courageous person, that I'm willing to face those fears that come my way.

And the fourth one, I'm gonna just leave, let you guess, you can tell me what it is. So, but I do tell myself those things and I try to do it consistently. And I wanna link, this is something special. I wanna link to a sample of a legacy plan that I work on with clients, my coaching clients, all of them leave with a legacy plan, something to reflect upon each and every morning that addresses their damaging mindsets, addresses what they like about themselves, their [00:21:00] energizers, it addresses their core values, a life purpose statement, a bunch of other things as well.

So the way to start believing in yourself is to trust yourself, trust your intuition. Think of it this way, is we have information just coming at US social media from all these people, from all these places. It's all this junk. Some of it is not true. Most of it's not true. Some of it is true, but a lot of it's crap.

And then we have this inspiration that can come from within and if. Grounded and we're filling our minds with truth and healthy people and healthy friends and good literature and things that we know are accurate and honest about ourselves. We're gonna have more of this inspiration that comes up from within and we can trust that and it can help us to make decisions, which I'm linking so much to this podcast, but I will tell.

It is amazing when you follow that intuition, that gut reaction, it helps you to encourage people [00:22:00] to reach out to people. You know, just today I saw some kids playing in my neighborhood. I live in an apartment complex and I didn't really know these kids, but I thought, okay This is kind of, I had this inspiration to give them each a $1 SIA dollar coin, which I have this role of these coins, you know, and they kind of know me.

They know me, this guy who jokes around with them and everything, but I don't know their parents really. I don't, I, I thought, oh, they might think I'm a weirdo by giving 'em this $1 coin, but I said it was this lucky coin and I gave it to him and they were really excited. . I'm glad I did it. It was an intuition type thing.

You know, if their parents are mad at me, well, hey, their parents have problems. That's all I can say. We trust our intuition. I did a yoga class tonight. Then when I do yoga, well actually at 4 45, so this afternoon, late afternoon, when I do yoga, I find myself. Slowing down enough to get in touch with myself.

And this isn't some weirdo type thing. I mean, this is me focusing on the class and the stretches, and [00:23:00] generally I get to self-reflect. I get to get outta my junk and actually, Know myself in the process and when I'm done, which I would love to do it twice a week, I usually only go to once a week, but I thought today I gotta do it twice a week.

We trust ourselves, our intuition, and we follow that. And if we do, we become open. We start letting go. You know, I had an amazing conversation with. My first cousin's husband in Florida, cuz me and my daughter, we went on a cruise and we went out to Fort Lauderdale for a couple days to stay with my first cousin and her husband and her two kids.

And we celebrated her daughter, 11 year old daughter, Ellie's birthday. Happy birthday, Ellie. And it was a really great time. I mean, I was inspired by the whole experience, but my first cousin's husband came up and talked to. At one point and it was very encouraging cuz he told me about a situation that, well it happened five years [00:24:00] ago and I was going through so much crap five years ago that I vaguely re, I do remember it happening, but I had never actually talked to him about it.

But he was in a plane crash and he works for a big cruise organization and he was on a, a scouting trip basically. And I am not exactly sure. Why he was on this very specific plane, but he said he got onto this plane and it was him plus two other executives in this organization and the plane. Well, he, he knew in his gut that he shouldn't get on the plane.

I mean, he was, he was questioning whether he should get on the plane. And he was telling me this, he was saying, you know, I knew that I probably shouldn't get on this plane, but I did it because, I, well, I mean, it was just the thing to do. I mean, I worked for this company and this was the, the thing we're going out to do is to go and scout.

They were looking for basically locations for this cruise line, I believe. Some excursions and things, maybe an island or whatever. But he told me, yeah, well we [00:25:00] got on this plane and the engine stalled and the pilot looked like he was 19, but he was probably, you know, 20 in his twenties or thirties.

He was from when they got on the plane in Mexico, so it was Mexican pilot. And anyway, the engine stalled and the guy kept trying to restart it and they had to actually tell the pilot, stop trying to start the engine and let's land the plane. And they ended up landing with their tail over the water on some rocks and he broke all of his ribs and one of the guys in the plane broke his back but they all survived.

And he was telling me that it was a couple years later. He and they knew that he had been in this plane crash that the company works for. They were not gonna have him fly, but something happened and they were asking him to, and they said, can you, you know, go on this small plane for a trip and everything?

And he at that point knew that, well, he was scared cuz he had some trauma, but he didn't have that same gut feelings the way he conveyed it to me, that he didn't have the same good feeling that this was a dangerous situation. So he got on the plane, he [00:26:00] faced that fear, and the plane landed and it was safe and it was a good experience.

Trust your intuition. , trust your gut. Trust your intuition. So, I'm also gonna link in this post to a, to into this podcast, to a post called How to Make Good Decisions, which is gonna address some of this as well. Let's review these steps. Six ways to start believing in yourself or to believe in yourself consistently.

Accept your past, forgive those that have hurt you. Build positives into your life. Focus on other people giving back. Number five, tell yourself consistently what you like about yourself. And number six, trust your gut. Trust your intuition. What resonated with you most from today? In the next 24 hours? I challenge you to apply, to take action on something that you learned today and to teach that to somebody else in the next 24 hours as well.

Remember, my. Adam's rule, 30% of transformational [00:27:00] change is going to be insight. You're gaining insight from this podcast today. 70% is action. Action is much more significant, is much more important than insight. You have to take a risk to step out and apply something. That you learned today, have me out to speak.

I'd love to speak to your team live or over, over Zoom, and I'm gonna sign off the way I always do. Make it your mission to live the life. Now that you want to be remembered for 10 years after you're gone, you decide your legacy. No one else. I appreciate you greatly and I'll see you next time. [00:28:00]