Ep67_PerformanceAnxiety_full
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Adam: [00:00:00] so I had a speaking event this last week and as I have mentioned before, every time I get up to speak I get nervous. No matter how long I do doing, been doing this kind of thing, I get nervous, so I was not really prepared, although I knew the content because I had talked about this topic before and I'm right getting ready to get up there and talk, and I start having these doubts in my mind.

They're gonna judge me. [00:01:00] They're not gonna like me. I'm gonna mess up. It's not gonna go well, no. I'm gonna ha the president of the company's gonna be in the audience, then I'm never gonna get a speaking gig. I mean, all these crazy things kind of pop into my mind. And I have this routine that I go through and I say, if I can help one person, it's worth it.

I don't know what kind of impact I'm gonna have today, but it's about these people. It's not about me and I'm gonna have fun and I'm gonna enjoy this whole experience. And so today in this podcast, what we're talking about is, is dealing with, is performing under pressure. How do you get outta your head and perform under your under pressure?

And I'm actually interviewed today on the Feel Better, be Better podcast, and two of my friends. Kaitlyn and Nevada interview me on this topic and we got some great, great content that you're not gonna wanna miss. So this is the Decide Your Legacy podcast. It's the podcast that you do not just listen to if you haven't already done so, make sure you give us a like rating review on [00:02:00] Apple or Spotify, anywhere you listen to your podcast content. I like all my listeners to know that when I talk, I speak and communicate in a way that you could describe it to your six-year-old and your six-year-old is gonna understand the content. I also talk about stuff that I struggle with myself. I struggle greatly with performance anxiety, still to this day, not as great as I did in the past, but it depends on how much sleep I got the night before, how well I'm doing.

I struggle. I'm a fellow traveler. I challenge you to listen, not just as a student and a consumer, but also to listen. Primarily as a teacher, something from today that inspires you. You're gonna teach to somebody else, you're gonna put it into action because that is where transformational clarity comes.

That's where change actually happens. 30% is based on insight. You're gonna get insight today and 70% is action you taking action. I would like to remind you to click the link in the show notes for Shatterproof yourself.

This is seven Steps to Deciding Your Legacy. It's a video and workbook that you're not gonna wanna miss, and you will end going through [00:03:00] and watching this video and going through this workbook with transformational clarity. You will start the process of transforming your life.

You will only get access to that if you click that link and subscribe through the link in the show notes. So let's go ahead and jump right into the content. You are gonna get some great information from my friends today.

Nevada: So one of the, so one of the girls that we coach or whatever, she's down in Oklahoma playing with a guest team, one of the first times they ever did it. It was kind of cute though. The girl and the parents both like asked us for permission. I mean, which is, I mean, awesome. You know, they respect us that much to do that.

Yeah. But I mean, we're like, no, go please. I hope things work out great. You know, what do you need? Or whatever. It was really interest, it was really kind of funny how it went. We were on the way over here, like, text them, find out what happened or whatever, you know, I wanna see how they're, see how she's doing.

And so that's why she was I guess she struggled a little bit, so I was like, Kate was like, I'm gonna ask them a video for her, of their, of her batting. And I'm like, yeah, that'd be great. You know, have to send it over. So I was just checking to see if we actually got the video yet.[00:04:00]

Kaitlyn: She didn't play till tomorrow morning though, so that'll be the earliest.

But yeah, her one at bat, she didn't do so hot in and was like, okay, well let's see. If it was your swing was fine and you're just in your head, or if you're just behind or if something breaks down in your swing or what's going on and you know, a whole different dynamic with different girls and different coaches and there's a lot there.

Nevada: Well it's a lot of, it's a lot of mentality on that. I mean, which is kind of why we're here to talk today. Yeah. You know, I mean, we kind of really wanted to bring you on and, and because we deal a lot of times with the players and, and, and, and their parents. Yeah. And that's kind of a tough thing between, you know, as kids are growing up, you know, you got a lot of dads that are coaching, you got a lot of kids that are trying to impress and everything like that.

So I kind of want to just, I wanna hear your side of it. I know it's not, I wouldn't say it's your, I don't know if it's your specialty, but I think you definitely could have a very unique perspective from it.

Adam: Well, there's a lot of pressure for sure. You know, and performing under pressure can come from external [00:05:00] sources like your parents, you know, or can come from inside.

And I think it's really better when it comes from inside, but it's the right kind of pressure, I think in psychology and performance psychology, there's a, I mean, a ton of studies about how people do better when they relax and when they learn to just let go. So it is almost an inversely Well, there is, there's a inversely proportional relationship to expectations that others have for you and that you have for yourself and your actual performance.

Mm-hmm. So you can see people's stress level decrease significantly as their expectations become healthy. I'm not saying to have no expectations at all, but they become healthy, realistic. Mm-hmm. And they're also based on something internal that is like, this is my definition of success. You know? So if you go out and you do your best and you learn and practice these new tips that you've been given from your coach and you end up letting go, and even though it didn't go exactly the way you wanted it, it's been a successful at bat, or it's been a successful game.

So, [00:06:00] you know, similar thing is where you, you know, go to get lessons for golf and the golf, great golf PGA tour pros and or yeah. The ones that the teaching pros will tell you that, you know, don't think about what I'm teaching you when you get out actually on the course. You know, let go and then just do your thing.

And you know, I mean if you do in the golf cart, you think about whatever that tip was. But you know, when you get up to swing, let go. Mm-hmm. Let go. So, I mean, this is a great topic. I mean the way, cuz it relates to, not only to sports, but anywhere in life where you feel some type of pressure to perform, whatever it may be.

I mean, I'm sure you guys feel in your jobs at times, pre pressure to perform and it could be external, it could actually be the parents putting pressure on you potentially, oh, we're paying you. You know, or the. Or the boss. Mm-hmm. Yeah, exactly. So somebody or, and a lot of times too, the pressure we put on ourselves, and this relates to kids and adults so much, is that it's manufactured.

It's, I love it. There's a big book for [00:07:00] alcoholics synonymous. It has old writing. I mean, it's written in the thirties and it calls it the magic magnifying mind. I think that's a great term for how our minds can function when we feel like we have this pressure that really is unhealthy.

It's, it's pulling things outta thin air. You know? They're judging me, they're looking at me. If I don't succeed in this game, then I'm a failure for the future. And it's the magic magnifying mind, which is extremely powerful. And it comes from so many aspects of somebody's life. I mean, from their childhood, all the way up to negative experiences they've had as adults.

Some situations where things didn't actually go well. I mean, I think of pro-athletes at times. Like, I remember this guy. For the Oakland A, which is my favorite baseball team. He got his big, you know, contract. I mean, Davis was his last name. It was a couple years ago actually. And he went from hitting, you know, 40, 50 home runs a year, I believe, to just after he got the contract.

He just, I don't know whether it was him doubting himself or whether it was the actual contract and the pressure was taken off. So he didn't have any external [00:08:00] pressure or internal pressure, but some pressure is good. It's just this happy medium where you can find this healthy level of expectation.

Nevada: Well, it's kinda one of those things where you, you want to, you kind of have to focus. And not focus at the same time, which is one of the hardest things. It's like, I wanna be able to focus like on this one little thing so I don't get so crazy on all the things. Mm-hmm.

Adam: Absolutely. You know, if it's one little thing that you're working on to improve and that is okay if you can still get up to the plate and let go of it.

I mean, cuz if that's going through your mind, then you're not really focusing on the ball. And I didn't play baseball, I mean, I played football and basketball, so a lot of my reference is gonna relate to a different sport. And I play golf some, you know, although the guy that records his BO podcast is a, is a good golfer.

I'm not really a good golfer. So, but very similar. But I think of a lot of times when I speak, I mean cuz when I get up on stage, I'm always nervous. And I'm always nervous for a podcast. I mean, even this, today I was driving over here thinking, gosh, you know what, am I ever gonna get rid of the nerves? And no, I mean, but the self-talk that I have [00:09:00] can make a huge difference.

If I'm aware of it, this is the normal thing for my mind to do, to try to keep me safe and I can start telling myself the truth. I mean, I basically was getting up to bat the other day speaking to a big company in town to their human resource department. And I wasn't prepared. I mean, I was prepared cause I knew the content.

I'd spoken about it before, but I didn't spend time in advance preparing. I woke up, I got some things done, I was there on time. I was able to interact and I was about to kind of get up on stage in front of everybody and I was thinking the normal kind of stuff. Like, I'm gonna be, I'm gonna fail. They're gonna judge me.

Somebody who's gonna go away from here and say something negative about me.

Nevada: That's exactly what you expect when you're bringing you in to talk. I'm like, but you're, you're totally going in there going,

Adam: I'm gonna fail. Absolutely. I mean, I do it because my mind is no different. Anyone's mind. I mean, I'm a fellow traveler.

I have the same struggles and it doesn't actually ever go away. I mean, it's just that I've learned to talk back to it cuz I have this narrative that I say, you know, if I help one person in the audience, it's worth it. I have valuable [00:10:00] information that they're not necessarily gonna have. They're no better than me.

I'm no better than them. I can have fun. Sure. Who knows what kind of life this information could change. I'm gonna let go and I'm gonna let go of the results, which I find is a really huge concept when it comes to performing is cuz the outcome is not that important. Mm-hmm. I mean, sure it is. If you're, you know, tied in the ninth inning in a major league baseball game and Yeah, you say that, but it's not a wild card game.

Come on. I mean

Nevada: Well, no, no, you're right. But the whole idea on that one is you still, it's baseball. You just gotta hit the ball hard. You really don't necessarily control where it's gonna go. You don't know, you can't control how the players are at. You can't control how the way they make the, the way they field it.

So your, your whole mission, the entire time is still hit the ball hard. Yeah. Which is, I mean, it's hard enough. I'm not saying there isn't pressure, but really when you boil it down, it's that simple.

Adam: It's that simple. But it's one and done. So, I mean, it's like tonight the guy hit a pressure shot, maybe three.

Well you do, but I mean, we just watched fi the final four and the guy hit a, you know, buzzer beater shot to win. Yeah. I mean, but they're [00:11:00] done. The whole tournament's over for them if they lose, obviously. Yes. So, and I love those wildcard games in the NBA and in Major League baseball. They're so fun to watch because of the pressure.

But you find that the people that do the best really don't have the same kind of pressure that we think they have. They're just doing, they're getting up to, they're doing what they already know how to do and they're trusting themselves.

Nevada: Well see, now I kind of gotta bring it back cuz there is, there is a, there's a technique that I do, especially in, in baseball, softball, and nine times out of ten, Kate and chime in on this one.

But especially as I tell a story, I had a kid I was coaching for years, very fundamentally sound. I was friends with his dad. We worked for years. So, I mean, he really, he really did about everything Right. And his head got in the way. Yeah. Stop me when you've heard this story. Well, I, I, I kind of had moved on.

I wasn't able to coach him that next year. And so all of a sudden the dad is texting me, he's like, Hey, something's wrong with, you know, with, with a swing or whatever. Can you, can you maybe come take a look? And I'm like, sure. Kind of busy though. Can you send me a video? Sends me a video. [00:12:00] I look through it real quick.

Swing looks perfect. There's nothing wrong with this kid swinging. I'm not, not surprised at all. He's, he's a great hitter. So I text him back and I say, okay, tell him to go a little wider in his stance. Open it up a little bit and really focus on a light step. Stop smiling. It's always wider stance with me.

Adam: You sound like a pga, you know, professional at a golf course giving lessons.

Nevada: Yeah. But . Anyway, so a couple hours, a couple hours goes by and he texts me back. He's like, oh my Lord. How did you see that? He hit amazing after that.

And I died laughing and I didn't, I told him, I was like, I'll explain to you when I see you. Cause I wanted to make sure we were face-to-face when I told him this. And I'm like, your kid's swinging was perfect. It was just his head. And I was like, and he goes, okay, well, well why did you change something on it?

And I was like, cause I wanted to give him something he could control and focus on that would get his head Yeah. Out of messing with his whole thing. Yeah. And that's what I try to do sometimes on some of the players where I'm just like, you know what? I'm interested to change a slight little thing. So you focus on that and [00:13:00] you forget about great advice, everything behind.

Mm-hmm.

Adam: That's great advice because when someone's really highly anxious, they have to do something physically active in order to get outta their head. Because when you're stuck in your head, you're away from all the other senses that you have touch. Mm-hmm. Hearing. Sight, visual, everything is in this mental process.

Mm-hmm. And so if somebody can just do 20 pushups or 10 dump jumping jacks, that's the way it works with our body. If we get some kind of active engagement. Mm-hmm. We're gonna physically, and there's really no way around it. We will start getting out of our head if we do it. The problem is people don't do it. They think they're gonna think they're way out of a thinking problem. Yeah. You can never think your way out of a thinking problem. And I will say that a lot of times people who, cuz you go back to why do people perform well in these tough situations?

Those people that get up to bat in those high pressure situations, they are focusing before they get up to bat on their successes, not their failures. Mm-hmm. They have disciplined themselves to think, this is exciting. I know the game's on the line, I know it's nine nine, and if we lose, we're out. You know, we're not, this is a [00:14:00] wild card, MLB playoff game, but they're thinking about all the times they've had successes in their life.

I mean, maybe not a hundred percent, but 80% of it, and that's where you get the excite. I would,

Nevada: I would completely agree with you, but I bet they're almost going through every scenario. Like, if the guys like, I'm gonna see the pitch come outta the hand, so I'm gonna see when the fast ball is gonna be coming, looking like this, and that's what it's gonna, I'm gonna see it coming in, I'm gonna see it coming in this angle when I see a curve ball, the arm angle on that one, and it starts coming in a different way.

I'll bet you money. They're going through all those things of like, absolutely, if he does this, I'm gonna do this. If he does this, I'm gonna do this. But all of those are the ways to be successful, not, oh my Lord, what if he does this? You know, they're, they're not thinking that negative thing. They're going, they're not even

Adam: No.

Exactly. And they've trained and they've prepared. And that's really the difference between trying and training. I mean, the training is so important. Mm-hmm. Life is a process. And if people, and your students and your, I mean the people you're coaching, they understand and their parents understand. It's a process.

I mean, find joy in the process, not the actual result. Let go of the result. I mean, the result's gonna come if you train the right way. Sorry, train consistently.

Nevada: Yeah. [00:15:00] Me and her over here, I'm constantly are just like, people are like, throw the ball to them, you know, or whatever. You're like, I'm pretty sure the kid wasn't trying to throw the ball away from the person.

I mean, like, they're trying to throw it to them. Yeah. That's not helping anything.

Adam: Right. There are, they're they're trying and, you know, and then they can let go. I love when people celebrate and even parents and, I mean, coaches even celebrate the fact that somebody failed because they did get out there and do it.

Take a risk and do something different. Mm-hmm. Whatever it may be. I mean, so if you get people outside of softball, baseball, whatever you're coaching and you get 'em to do something where they're gonna fail in another area, it can help them. Tremendously in this sport.

Nevada: Well, as, as well I know Kate's actually working on a program of what are the type of failures we want to celebrate on the team.

We're coaching right now.

Kaitlyn: Oh, you gonna let me talk? Finally? Finally. You guys are gonna like close your mouth from an issue here. Yeah, we're actually, I mean, a lot of the stuff we build is to build in areas that are challenging enough that you're gonna have failure. Because we wanna see how people adapt to it and [00:16:00] learn from it.

And it's a huge part of it. So, I mean, we have drills that people build up confidence with and can do correctly too, but failure is a big part of it.

Adam: So how do you celebrate failure when they fail?

Kaitlyn: Well, mostly it's just really praising their effort for being willing to try. A lot of our players, they'll get all timid, not when they try new things, but when we've been able to put them in situations, like for example with our hitting circuits in the fall, we've done opposite hand hitting in a lot of our drills.

And for a lot of kids, that's very scary, especially when you're older, like 14 years old because you know you're gonna suck at it. I mean, there's no getting around it. It feels unnatural. It doesn't, like, it's not your normal hand. And it's so interesting that when you tell 'em like, Nope, I just want you to work on coordination.

It's, I'm not expecting you to be necessarily good or hit like that in a game. And then they tried and then they're like, oh, I'm not as bad as I thought. And then you've got like, Okay. I'm willing to try more. And so even though they're not great at it, and it's not like a success for them, they're willing to buy into like, okay, I probably am not gonna be successful at that my first however many times, but I know I'm gonna be able to work at it and get better at it.[00:17:00]

Adam: And that's such a different philosophy than society often portrays with the pressure we put on people. It's like this instant success. And you've never really seen somebody that's an instant success. You just think you actually have. Yep. You perceived that one. You know? So I mean like John Wooden, the favorite famous basketball coach, you can look and say, oh yeah, he won nine national championships, I think eight in a row.

Mm-hmm. I mean for ucla. But he had a significant amount of losing seasons prior to actually getting to that point. And he was almost fired. And he, but he stuck with it. And that's the big difference between training versus trying, I mean, you're training because you know that if I keep consistently doing this, the results are actually gonna come.

Trying is a bad word. My, I mean, someone says, I'm gonna try. I don't really like, I mean, trying is great. Mean, try your best and all that, but overall is like a philosophy of improving. I find that to be a discouraging word.

Nevada: Yeah. I, I like, I like the fact that use training. Training, yeah. I mean, it's not a bad word to use.

Like go, you know, as far like, go up and try. For me, it'd be [00:18:00] like, all right, I don't, you go up and.

Adam: Yeah. I mean, go up and train because that way you're, it's the process, not the outcome. No. You're letting go of the outcome. And eventually you're gonna be good at it. And I mean, eventually if you train and you do it consistently, although I still haven't gotten good at golf the way I want to, I have this goal though, of being able to shoot consistently in the eighties by the time I turned 50, which is in six months.

Mm-hmm. And that's, I'm gonna need some real help from Mr. Podcast Guy Brian, to get there. I, I, I,

Nevada: I think you, I think you just didn't realize your training program was a 20 year program and not a 10 year program.

Adam: I did not play golf as a kid. I didn't start until my, I was in my forties, so, I mean, it's, it's all right.

I can give myself some grace there. Yeah. But I didn't even want to go out and hit golf balls today. I didn't go out and hit golf balls today. Cause I was gonna be embarrassed within myself because I knew that it was gonna be a struggle today. And it was a really nice day. But I did do something that was scary today.

I went to an improv class. It was an hour and a half and there was a teacher that had us do these improv [00:19:00] activities. Mm-hmm. And one of 'em in fact was when you mess up, you celebrate, you go, you know, and you clap. Mm-hmm. And they had that aspect to it. Nice. And I was like, I gotta bring every one of my clients to an improv class.

This is super fun. And I went and saw, actually, I went to the like improv place called Second City in Chicago about a month and a half ago. And that was amazing. I mean, those are professionals of course, but this was like super encouraging psychologically cuz it had all the right principles in place, which is that people go and they start believing in themselves.

Cuz you can look at somebody that is in a student. And for my daughter for example, you know, she can and has had some struggles with wanting, with getting parts in a play. I've talked about this before. She's been okay with me talking about it. And I've been really proud of her because when she's had setbacks in discouraging situations, she's never given up.

She's seen that as a process. Not the end result. In fact, more motivation. I sense the motivation that I'm gonna get better and prove people wrong, [00:20:00] prove the doubters wrong, although that's kind of a bad form of motivation if it gets outta hand. Yeah, it can be, it can be good if it's, if it's tempered like anything.

Nevada: I'm curious with your daughter, so do you do things of like, okay, so what did you learn on this scenario? Yeah. I mean, do you guys get into that kind of stuff or

Adam: Oh yeah. I mean, I do. I try to listen and what did you learn? And so, and you know, what is your plan? Try to get her just to talk whatever it is and feel safe.

Mm-hmm. Because she, she gets a really good gpa. I mean, she's getting like, she has like a four, two right now. She's a sophomore and doing really well in school and I give her, and I know I'm cheap. I actually told a friend this yesterday. I give her 10 bucks an A and he's like, dude, Adam, you are so cheap.

You forgot about inflation over the last two years. What are you doing? So over the last two years, over the last three years, whatever. But you know, so I'm gonna give her more than that. But I did text her when she told me she got straight A's again, I said, I said, Emerson, you know, if you get all As or if you get all F's, my love for you and my acceptance of you doesn't change at [00:21:00] all, has nothing to do with that.

You know, I love you just the way you are. And then she read it and then she, you know, she loved the comment, but I thought, what a great, I mean that, that I will just blatantly being honest with you, I talk to friends a lot about how to be a good dad. I mean, it's not like the easiest thing in the world. So I get tips from other friends that are good dads, and I meant every word I said.

I will tell you, I've gotten advice from really good places on how to approach some parenting situations. And that's really what I want my legacy to be, is people are remembered that I valued them not for their performance, but for who they are. Mm-hmm. And when. Players get that from their parents. I recently heard Adam Sandler interviewed and he was just talking about how when he was growing up, his siblings and his parents, they were consistently, I mean, he had kinda the ideal situation with family situation cause they were consistently telling him, cuz he wanted to be funny.

I mean, he was fun, naturally funny. But they were telling him like, you're funnier than [00:22:00] Rodney Dangerfield, man. You're, you're, you're, you're the funniest guy. We know. We know you're gonna be successful. You know? So he grew up with this affirmation, and it wasn't like flattery, you know, I mean, he legitimately had talent, but I think of all these people that don't grow up with that kind of affirming environment.

And he was really blessed to have that kind of thing. And then ultimately went on to have a, and still has a very successful career, but regardless of the home environment you have, even if you don't have that kind of love and acceptance, You can still perform at a very high level. Cuz some people use the fact that they were criticized and that they were judged in their home and they were made fun of for being, you know, a comedian or artistic when the family was athletic or whatever.

And they had negative, they had negative feedback. They've used that to say, Hey, I can rise above it and I'm more powerful than that negative feedback. And you know, almost becomes their motivation. It becomes their motivation. It can be a very healthy thing. It's like that's not true. I mean, they are doing the best that they could.

That was their background. I'm gonna forgive them and they love me, but [00:23:00] they just didn't know how to do it the right way. Adam Sandler's parents did for some reason, but they just didn't know how to do it the right way. And they end up saying, you know, I believe in myself regardless of the AF of not having the affirmation.

Mm-hmm. Growing up.

Kaitlyn: Well I think that's an important thing for parents to hear too, because, So many of our parents are very well-intentioned, but can put so much pressure on their kid for it feels like the performance. And that might not be their intention when they're talking to their kids, but it can feel very much like the, the performance is what matters.

Yeah. And as players, they can really internalize that. Yep. And so I guess kind of talking to those parents, you know,

Adam: oh man. Talking or scolding. No, I'm just kidding. Well, you know, I mean, if I think about those parents, you, if you spot it, you got it. So it's like they are often reacting to something that they have in themselves that they haven't worked all the way through.

So they have some level of, my value comes from my performance, so I'm gonna put pressure on my kids to get that kind of love and affirmation from the world when they're not able to give it to themselves in the way [00:24:00] that they need, that therefore would let them have the ability to give it to their kids.

So, you know, the most important relationship anybody ever has is the relationship they have with themselves. Mm-hmm. That's just barnan the most important relationship and. What you do is a reflection of what you think of you. So what you do is a reflection of how you feel about yourself. And so people that truly are confident and not arrogant, but they just believe in themselves.

Like me as a dad, I mean, I am, I don't believe an arrogant dad. I don't believe I'm even a confident dad. I believe I'm doing the best I can. And that gives me this sense of, you know, okay, I'm confident. I mean, it's like a, it's like a confident, non-confident kind of thing, you know? Every moment I'm confident, well, trying, I'm training, I'm confident, I'm training.

There you go. You know, and I'm staying in the game. And regardless of what happens and what I hear in the setback, in the challenges, I'm staying in the game. And that can help me rest at night saying, okay, this is, but it comes from this ultimate belief that, okay, I, I'm good enough. You know, I wouldn't [00:25:00] have this 16 year old daughter.

I didn't have the ability to be a parent and handle this situation. Mm-hmm. And the self-talk that I give myself is a lot better than it ha I mean, it depends on kinda the life circumstances. I mean, when I went through some challenging situations over the last 5, 6, 7 years, you know, of course my self-talk is impacted by that.

Cuz it's like, how did I get myself into this? You know, you loser, what's wrong with you? No one else has this struggle. It's personal. Right? No, no one else has a struggle. Everybody always says that. Like whatever. It's like because we personalize it, it's like, you know, no one can relate to this. Yeah. And, and no one actually is going to love me anymore.

Care. I mean, it is, the reality is that like when we are at our worst and we're emotionally vulnerable, so think about when you wake up in the middle of the night worrying, which people do oftentimes. And the reason when they wake up in the middle of the night worrying, it's hard to kind of get out of that is because their brain's.

Because, and just after a good, not getting good night's sleep, your brain's tired. I mean, you're more after being negative, [00:26:00] especially after two nights of not getting good sleep. And the big negative self-worth things that I think these parents struggle with because they're human just like me, I mean, is that I'm not good enough.

Like I'm unworthy, you know, I'm helpless, I'm unlovable. I need to show the world that I'm worth loving, rather than saying to themselves, you know, I'm powerful. I can handle it. Mm-hmm. I can get through this. Yeah. I am worthy.

Nevada: Sorry. I think of, I think of all the scenario that started this, like whenever I get in that situation where I see a parent that is getting very frustrated with their kid.

Yeah. Because they want them to be Yeah. Almost perfect little people, which I mean would be great of course. But what I do is I usually try to go over there and I try to get a chance where I talk to them, get 'em after they're a little calm. Like, you know, if we can get their feet, if we get their feet set, I have to start laughing.

Adam: That's the solution to everything. Get their feet set

Nevada: always. But if we can get their feet set and line up, they'll throw a real good, yeah, a real good pitch, or I mean, or whatever sport we're in, if we can get their base set on this or whatever. So let's really focus on that and maybe then we can get away from doing like, I [00:27:00] just need you to be good.

You know, that's, I think that's the big thing. I always try to go back and try to make it more of a conversation. Cause if you try to be like, oh, don't tell 'em that. Tell 'em this. Now you're gonna become an adversary with a parent.

Adam: Absolutely. And you can even talk about something totally unrelated to softball and that could be better than actually talking about the actual strikeout or whatever it is they're frustrated about.

So you talk to them about, you know, they got a Kansas City Chief's sweatshirt on and what'd you think of the Super Bowl? Or something, you know, gets their mind off of actually focusing hyperfocus. Cuz that's what anxiety does. I mean that Magic magnifying mind hyper focuses on something and we put so much pressure on that one situation and it becomes a safety issue.

Like my child's safety and their future is dictated by how well they do in this specific situation. When that's a fallacy. I mean, that's not true. It's totally untrue. In fact, I find most parents will. Respond really well, just to seeing really good solid performance psychologic performance psychology research.

Mm-hmm. I mean, what what's out there, because that data will clearly indicate [00:28:00] that when people put a stress level on a scale one to 10, and the performance stress is like at a 10, that their child's performance is gonna decrease significantly. Yeah. That they have to realize that if they can help their child have confidence, true belief in themselves, and then be able to shake off the failure, not defining failure is a bad thing.

Actually finding it as a part of the process. Yep. You know, then they're gonna help their child see that, you know, it's just softball. It's like, it's just money. It's like, it's just, I mean, there are some things that are really important, like your health, you neglect it, you can ruin your health, and that's not a good thing.

I mean, it's a life. Mm-hmm. But some things are external, and of course they relate to life and they're important and they have value. But your value as a person is a thousand times more important than this in success in softball. True. And the crazy part about that is once people start believing that, what do you think happens to their softball skills?

They get better. They get better. Yeah. They get better. Yeah, exactly. Sorry, I'm like,

Nevada: I can't remember.

Adam: Get better. It's gonna be better. Well, that's the, that's absolutely the whole thing. You know, I was thinking today as we were [00:29:00] preparing for this, cuz I was, I did not play football in middle school. I started playing football in high school and I was not a great football player.

I was a decent football player. I was mo, I was voted most improved my senior year. I was a hard worker. I've always been a freaking hard worker. I'm the guy that can go and do the work. Sure. And I'm not afraid of doing the work. I'm not afraid of the training. It, I did not play. Outside linebacker. I don't believe for any play the entire season until this last game that was significant.

Basically, I would go in at the very end of the game, you know, when the score was not on the line, but the outside linebacker, who I backed up, got hurt and Teddy Brewski played on the other team, which he went on to have a great N F L career with the Patriots. Yeah. And he was like the big name guy in, he was a year older than me, but a big name guy in Sacramento football.

And so I was like, oh my gosh, you know, I'm playing and we had to win this game to go to the playoffs. And so I get in and of course they run an option right at me. Because they see that I'm brand new in the game and the quarterback keeps the ball. And [00:30:00] I had the quarterback and I crushed him. Absolutely.

And he fumbled. No, and we were covered. It was like my, that's my, that's my high school football. So you retired at that point? I, I wish I would've. Cause then I played and I started my senior year and all that and I went on and I had a good, good year. But I remember that I was not prepared to go in. I didn't think about it.

I didn't have to worry about it. Everything was just in that moment, okay, you're going in Adam Gragg, you're getting in, you know, and the game was on the line and I made a play. And of course everybody was super excited about it and celebrated it and was great. But that. Didn't have time to let fear sit in.

Mm-hmm. When, when I was a senior and I was playing and I knew I was gonna start, I let fear sit in and it hindered my performance significantly. I think now I had some serious anxiety. Yep. That held me back all throughout my senior year and could have been a much better player had I known what I know now.

Nevada: It's really hard to let go on that one. I mean, you really want, you wanna perform so well. Yeah. You just can't stop. You're just gonna [00:31:00]

Adam: work yourself all the way up. I put a lot of energy into it, you know, I was big. I've weighed a lot more than I weigh now, and, but, you know, got better at it in some ways.

But the psychological part, I didn't really get better at my senior year. I've gotten better at that as I've gotten older and through failure, just through picking myself up. I mean, at times that I've wanted to give up because some of the big failures in my life, which I do believe are really significant, I went through a divorce.

I mean, it's things that I can look at and say, gosh, I wish things were different there. I can look back now and say, okay, you know, I don't wish that upon anybody. I still don't know necessarily why it happened. I believe there's a bigger plan, you know, that my faith helps drive me with that. I don't understand it, but it certainly is a big part of that.

What I do. It's a different kind of training you went through. It's a different kind of training and I can look at it now and say, okay, okay, what can I do with this to help other people? Mm-hmm. And when it's off of me. Cuz that's the thing, when I'm, somebody's worried about performing, they're really focused on themselves.

That's what they're focused on. And I don't wanna help call people selfish cuz I believe it's important to be selfish. I believe you are the most [00:32:00] important person you should be taking care of. Cause you can't help anybody else, anybody else out unless you're taking care of yourself first. You gotta take care of your yourself.

People hate hearing that sometimes cuz they wanna just give, give, give. Some people do like to, but even in that situation, they're generally being selfish because they're getting their identity out of giving to somebody else. You know, this is where you see parents that are, you know, 65 and they are still.

Involved in their kids' lives at a level that they shouldn't be involved in. You know, they're making, helping 'em make decisions that they shouldn't be helping 'em make. And it's almost like a vicious, they're getting their identity from that child who's 30 years old. You know?

Nevada: It's almost like a vicious cycle on that word, because, I mean, even the child's probably feeling a little bit of that too, like you're saying, is they're giving Absolutely.

They're face, they're in there trying to do good, so that that way they can seem like they look good in front of their, of their parent or whoever else, and they're feeling that, so then they're putting on more in, you know, pressure and looking or trying to encourage them more. The more encouragement then, oh, I gotta do better.

And it's almost like it continues to keep cycling on itself more and more and more almost.

Adam: [00:33:00] Oh, absolutely. I mean, it just, it's a vicious cycle. Mm-hmm. And it can never end. It you, because the problem too is you have a 35 year old kid, if take that kind of situation or a 30 year old kid or whatever, and their parents are overly involved, they don't believe that they can handle the situations that they face, whether it's their job, you know, whether it's they, they're a parent.

Handling those situations cuz they are always going to that source that's giving them some level of confidence rather than getting that confidence from within. Sure. And it's not that you don't go for support. We all need people. I mean, believe me, I would be, I'm, I need people to help me as a dad. You know, I need people to help me professionally.

I need friends to help encourage me when I'm down. I mean, I need people, but it's not a co-dependent kind of thing where they're getting their identity outta helping me. That's where the damage actually comes,

Nevada: you know, in this example you were talking about here, I'm just gonna assume you were talking about me.

Cause I'm gonna internally focus everything. Yeah, yeah. And I'm gonna take the compliment that you said 30, 35. I mean, that's what I'm gonna totally do in this because

Adam: that's where, that's how old you are. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. I'll take that. A 30, 35 year old living in their parents' basement. Not, not necessarily a good thing.

Which is, which is you're [00:34:00] not living in your parents' basement. You don't to tell everybody. Right. Are you living in

Nevada: your parents' basement? No. No. I, I got you. Pay rent. I got an upstairs room.

Adam: Okay. Yeah, I got upstairs room. All right. I hope you pay rent, so, oh man. I mean, sometimes when I have the money Yeah.

Occasionally, no. Well, you know, you talk about parents too, is the best thing a parent can ever do to help their kids is to be happy with who they are. And kids want their parents to be happy. When parents are overly consumed in the performance of their child, that's not a person that's generally happy with who they are as a person.

Mm-hmm. And so if they become confident and they become somebody that's secure in themselves, their kid's gonna perform better no matter what. Yeah. It's just like if somebody's marriage improves, everything gets better with their kids. Yeah, I mean that makes sense. And you know, if someone's health improves, it's gonna relate to not just their health, but it's gonna actually relate to, let's say they lose a bunch of weight and they start running and they start doing yoga and they feel better about themselves.

It's not gonna just impact their health. I mean, come on, it's gonna change their professional life. It's gonna go [00:35:00] and help them relationally. It's gonna potentially give them more confidence as they interact cuz they're maybe more insecure about how they look before or how their clothes fit them.

Nevada: Well, Kate, you see that all the time when people get into the dieting stuff or any of the exercise stuff, they, it goes from one to the next to the next.

Mm-hmm

Adam: And you make one change and you see success in one area, then it often gives you confidence to say, I can make a change in another area. So somebody says, okay, I can, let's say stop smoking for example. And they actually do it for, you know, six months and they realize, man, this is harder than heck, you know, which, that is a really hard thing to do.

So, and then they decide I can actually be a leader at work and not. Be in this position where I never want to get promoted. I can actually go and try to get to that next level on my job. And they realize they can do it because they have one area that they actually overcome. I love asking that question to people, like, what is a bad habit that you have overcome overall?

Because that gives them the ability to think about a way that they [00:36:00] have overcome something in their life. Sure. And they can't say, I don't know. You know, my clients know that. You can't say, I don't know. You know, you can say, I gotta go research that, or I need to go and spend some time reflecting on that.

But you don't get to say, I don't know. I don't know. To me it's like, I, it's, it's just a lazy word. I don't want to, I can't.

Nevada: It's like you're avoiding the question almost.

Adam: Absolutely. I don't know. I don't know. You know, and adults do that even more than teenagers. And although,

Nevada: it's funny you say that because that's exactly what some of the kids do all the time.

When you ask 'em, you're like, why do you do this or that, or whatever, and they're like, I don't know. I don't know. And it's like, No, you did it for a reason.

Adam: Why did you do that? Yeah. Yep. There's certain words that like all my clients, to actually take outta their vocabulary. One is, I think let's stop taking, let's take that out of our, out of our vocabulary.

You're gonna have to use that in certain situations. I get it. But instead say, I believe. I believe. You know? So I think that I, my swing is off, you know, and say, I know I believe that this is often my swing. Or I think I messed up. No, I believe I messed up. Or I believe cuz that believe [00:37:00] has this element of faith to it.

Mm-hmm. And it's outta your head. It's like, I'm gonna take this action. And words matter and the language we use matters. And that's one thing parents have to realize. Is that every word they say does have weight to it. Hmm. And their body language has an impact.

Nevada: Well, it's really interesting because, I mean, and as a parent, you know, you say, I think you're doing this, whatever, you know, incorrectly or something like that.

But if you say, I believe we might be doing this incorrectly. I mean, just that change in those two is, is a, is a really a different statement almost.

Adam: It is. It is. And then to take out the word, you know, I don't know. Or I won't, or I must, I should, I have to.

Nevada: We need to research this. Lemme look into, into it.

Adam: And then you're saying things like, I can,

Nevada: The horse. I run into it as soon as I say I'm, I'm sorry. Did you say you can't? Or you won't? Yeah. It's a big difference.

Yeah. I mean, cuz you're basically saying you won't Yeah,

Adam: I can. I have options. I have choices. I will, I will train. Yeah, I will train. I won't try. I will train there. And [00:38:00] that makes a big. Difference. Just like recognizing that you're telling yourself before you get up to the plate that I gotta get this perfect, I gotta get this perfect.

And then you replace that with, I'm growing, I'm learning, I believe. Mm-hmm. I believe I can do this, I believe I can do this. And they strike out. But still, they have their head up high because they realize that I did change some things. No one knows what actually happened. Even though you can get a great picture, I'm sure you know that is just better than you at this point right now.

Right. Well, it's, and so it's,

Nevada: it's a really interesting statement because it's not, I, I believe I can do this. Even if you don't do it, you still believe you can do it.

Adam: Absolutely. You just didn't do it in that situation. But that's one of many in a process. Yeah.

Nevada: All right, Adam, I got, I got an interesting one for you.

I kind of wanted to see how you would do this. I mean, almost might be a, you might have to build me for this session. We'll see what happens. But I kinda wanted to tell you the parent, the parent player relationship I had with my dad [00:39:00] growing up. Okay. Yeah. And, and relating back to maybe some of the things that we can pull out on the anxiety scale and some of the pressure scale and stuff like that.

Maybe kind of just see where this thing goes. So my dad coached me all growing up and my dad was great. I mean, he's really, really good at what he did. He cared a lot. I mean, all of this stuff, I'm truly like, I almost feel bad saying it because he really did. He loved us and everything we wanted to do, he wanted, he was doing the best.

Adam: He knew how.

Nevada: Yes. And he, and he, he was definitely doing the best. He knew hard and he dedicated and he did numbers and yeah, found other coaches. Did everything he can to make everything work great. And looking back on it, I think the biggest thing for me I ever felt was the fact that I just, I was always so, had so much anxiety.

Cause I just wanted to be perfect. I wanted to go up and just, just be amazing at it. And when you're doing that, you just, I mean, you almost break down. I mean, you're just, you know, you just can't do anything. So I, I die laughing. Baseball was his game, so now I can coach it. Amazing cuz he spent so much time on me [00:40:00] trying to get it to work.

But that one, I felt so much pressure. Then you turn around and any sport that he really didn't know that much about, like soccer. And I just went and played and I was, I was great because, I mean, I didn't have that pressure because anything I. Was awesome. Yeah. You know, cuz he didn't know that one. And you know, I mean, and my dad talk since, and I mean, and, and we talk coaching all the time.

I gates actually sit, sit down when we're talking about coaching. So I just, I'm kind of curious what you might say coming from hearing that kind of story and stuff,

Adam: what I might say to your dad or what I might say either. Okay. Either, is your dad gonna listen to this podcast? He might. So, okay.

Nevada: Well, no, actually, my dad probably will listen to the podcast.

I almost hope he listen to the podcast because, I mean, I wouldn't, I wouldn't be the man I am today if I didn't have him basically teaching me that.

Adam: Yeah. Yeah. So you've. That's just really one of the challenging situations that we face in life is where somebody has high expectations. And the way we interpret it, cuz some people have parents that have high expectations and the way they're interpreting it is they're able to shake it off and say, [00:41:00] that's my dad's expectations and I'm gonna let go.

But it's hard to do that cuz your parents are so connected to you when you're growing up. So it's, it's a difficult thing to do as you get older sometimes you can as like a high, a senior junior in high school.

Nevada: Yeah. I do want to preface, I mean he was very good about some of the stuff that we've talked about here.

He wasn't like, he wasn't like, oh you need to be hitting this or you need to be able to do this. If anything, he was like doing the try, doing the this, but because I could feel how much it meant to him, even though he was saying and doing all the right things, and I know deep down inside, even when I was that age, that he just wanted the best for me.

Right. I still couldn't help but almost put that pressure and anxiety back on me. So even as a parent and a and a coach, I gotta find a way to almost be relaxed. Even though I need them to focus, because I, I think I went through that where it was like, right. They said all the right words. They did all the right things.

But I still felt all the anxiety.

Adam: And that's the thing is that we, anxiety is an emotional state. Mm-hmm. It's not something that we [00:42:00] say, I can tell my daughter I love her and accept her, but I have to show that and how I behave towards her. So if she does get F's, I'd have to prove I don't want her to get F's.

But I'd have to prove to her that I love her and accept her just the way that she is. And so I have to actually act as if I truly deep down believe that. So the situation with your dad, you had pressure and just looking at it now, that would be such a reminder to parents that. You may not realize how you're putting pressure on your child by your expectations that you carry with you.

And it's so much of your body language and your tone and your seriousness. And maybe you go to the games and you can't laugh and the your child observes it. You just don't have fun. I mean, it's like supposed to be fun, but it's so serious. And my child's 11 years old. And of course they're gonna wonder, well, why is dad so sneaking serious at these games yet He's all, he's fun on Sundays and we're, you know, watching N F L football and yeah, just, you know, throwing the baseball around in the backyard and not actually at a baseball game.

Mm-hmm. So we gotta be mindful of how we carry ourselves and know [00:43:00] whether are we making it about us or are we making about this child's wellbeing? And people could take offense to that when they hear that, but I hope it really sinks into the audience that we as parents have a responsibility to show our child that we believe in them, regardless of their performance, no matter what they do, that we're gonna love them and show them unconditional love.

And I as. Similar to you, Nevada. I have a dad who is a very high performing person professionally. Mm-hmm. And he was kind of on his own at a younger age and had to grow up pretty fast. And then professionally in his career, I have never felt like he's not felt like I was a success, but I've put my own pressure to live up to something.

When I feel we're just successful in different ways, I feel I'm a success. I mean, maybe now for the first time of my life, in the last few years, I've felt like a success professionally. Which is crazy to think that, but it's just taken a lot of work for me because of pressure. Cuz I'm a perfectionist, of course.

I mean, [00:44:00] I'm the seven up guy, you know, they make it a seven. On a scale, one to 10, it's, I'm a perfectionist and it's amazing to me that you could recognize that you go out and play soccer and you would let go. You didn't have that pressure there and you were able to just be yourself. Mm-hmm. And then probably we're really good at that.

Yet you didn't train as much for it. No. Potentially. Not even close. Just played, not even close. Just played. And so you're able to relax, which as parents and as coaches, if we can get and help our players to learn how to relax, which is not easy, you know, it's not able, we have to be able to relax as parents, right.

So we can model that to our kids when they see us complaining about our job and worried about the presentation we have the next day and consumed and worry and workaholism, and they get that and they glean that from us as parents, then they're gonna have that same kind of mentality and take that with them in whatever they do as well.

It's just the way it works. You're the number one role model in their life.

Nevada: So is there maybe some perspective scenarios that we can pull out to where we can say, yeah, you know [00:45:00] what, things are actually really good. Let's just see what we can, how we can make 'em better.

Adam: Oh my gosh, there are, and I really wasn't, cuz I would say that eight years ago I felt like, like a success. And what happened is, is that when. My personal life started to unravel. I internalized that as it was related to, and it was called, you know, I personalized it, but I made it pervade. Pervasiveness is a real form and cause of anxiety, it pervaded my entire life.

So I would look at everything through the lens of one part of my life not going well, so other parts aren't going well. And then I started to view it as being permanent. So it really took me a while to get back out of that. Cause I would say that I felt professionally as a success. I take that back eight years ago, I would've said, man, I'm, everything is great.

And so how would we get ourselves, not everything's perfect by any means, but just felt like things were going well. And how do we get ourselves in a, make a perspective shift? Well, one great thing you can do is, is gratitude. And this is, and of course, I mean. You [00:46:00] every day in the morning, you write down five things from the day before that were positive in your life and you discipline yourself to do that.

And then five things you're excited about today. That's one exercise you can do. One that I really love that I've been practicing more recently is I start to look at all the different areas of my life. So what is something that's going well? And write in my. With my health. Hmm. And then I can write something physically down so I'm a fan of physically writing it down.

Psychologically. If I was coaching a softball team, I'd buy 'em all a green journal and green just because that's my favorite second favorite color.

Nevada: Blue's. My first we can buy, we can buy blue

Adam: or we can buy red, blue and green. Yeah. And whatever you want, but okay. So get people to write things down cuz we know that psychologically when you have pen to paper, which I got a nice pen here and I have a journal that I carry with me pretty much wherever I go and write it down and actually know that this is something tangible, I can look at my health.

I am grateful that I have the usage of both of my hands and both of them work. Cuz I know people that don't. Have usage of both of their hands. And then I look at like the family and friends category and I'm, I'm grateful for [00:47:00] my friend Ben and for how we've been friends since fifth grade. And sometimes I'm writing the same types of things down and then I will close my eyes or I'll go on a walk or I'll just take my dog out to use the restroom and it takes five minutes sometimes cause he's old and he walks around and you know, sniffs before he uses the restroom.

I get upset with my daughter. I'm like, cuz then he'll end up like having to go out like 10 minutes after she took him out. And I'm like, you didn't wait long enough. But then I'll focus and breathe and internalize, sometimes shut my eyes and just think about and that there's a power within me that is gonna be coming from this place of I life is good.

I've never had it so good. I mean, that's the reality. It's like you can go from thinking your life is horrible and then five minutes later to be realizing that your life is actually really good. Yeah. Perspective is something you have to always work on. You have to work on it as if your life depends on it, because it actually really does.

Mm-hmm. There's really nothing that you have more influence over than your actions. What you do with your body physically [00:48:00] and what you actually focus on, which is your perspective. You don't have a lot of influence over a lot of other things. Cuz I will tell you that I've known millionaires that have lost everything and they've lost it.

And maybe they made some decisions to over-leverage and then the economy shifted, but they've lost money even just because there was a change in the leadership of the organization and they lost their job. I mean, I've heard about a guy that recently, he was one of the. People that started Apple and that when Apple started, Steve Jobs decided to give the initial, this is back when the first Apple started.

Mm-hmm. He decided to give shares to certain people. Steve Wazniak was one of them, and I don't know how he had more power in that situation, but these people were all left basically without shares. And then they were sold shares from Steve Wazniak at a really, really cheap price. So they end up having some money, but I'm sure they're looking and thinking I should be a billionaire, you know?

Mm-hmm. But I'm not because of this one decision that was made that I had no control [00:49:00] over legally to make. Yeah. Because we had voted this person into a leadership position when the I P O occurred. He had the rights to make those decisions. We don't have as much power and control as we really think, but we can take care of our bodies and we can take care of our minds and we can be around good, positive people and we can choose to identify when we're negative and try to snap out of it by doing something physical or active or, and we can decide to believe the best about ourselves and not focus on the worst in ourselves.

And we still have, we have, so we have so much power. That's why I love, and another thing I would do, that's a real big perspective shift, is when you have these three big, negative self-worth things. I'm unlovable, I'm, I'm worthless, and I'm helpless. You read my journal? I've read your journal. Exactly. I'm unlovable, I'm worthless, I'm helpless.

Well, it's, I read everybody's journal because everybody writes that in their journal. If they're really being honest with themselves, if they're journaling. So they do. You know, they do. That's why everybody's so like, oh my gosh, I have like, I will give you a [00:50:00] $50 reward if you don't read it. I haven't, I haven't read that birthday yet.

It's this $50 reward. But you know, I mean, I have lost some journals. I don't want anyone to find them, but I'll write that kind of stuff cuz that's what you wanna do in a journalist. Be honest about what you're really thinking and feeling. Yeah. And then you can figure out a way to say, okay, I'm powerful, I'm worthy, and I am lovable to the right people.

And the right people are gonna love me just for who I am, not for what I do and not for what I give them. Mm-hmm. You know, I can, as I've gotten older, I'm gonna be 50 in seven months, six months. I got a lot of, I got a lot to do in the next six months, six, seven months. Cuz I have some goals I haven't achieved, like shooting in the eighties consistently. But if you can tell yourself and look at yourself and even on your phone, I mean, somehow get physically in front of the mirror and say that I'm loveable, I'm worthy, you know, I'm not helpless. And say good things about yourself to know what you really have as traits.

I mean, any client that's ever hired me has gotten that spiel from me. I mean, we have to figure out what is intrinsic that you like about yourself, and we have to figure out how we can get your, your mind [00:51:00] off of that stuff that's negative and out of this stuff that is really inside of you no one can take away.

Yeah. Regardless of the circumstances that have in your life, you know, that are outta your control in a lot of situations, cuz other people can make decisions that, you know, can be ones that change your life. And so it's like, and I've had the privilege and honor of working with people that have been involved in traumatic situations that had no, they had no control over it.

I mean, being involved in, in shootings and. And when they're, when they're an employee at a bank and, and not a, not a pretty site where people, many multiple people have died of being in situations where they've been abandoned by their father at a young age and never heard from him again, and then reach out when their, you know, their father's finally find him when their father's 80 years old and, you know, those kinds of things, they, as a kid had no influence over whatsoever.

Nevada: I think I would find that very interesting. I [00:52:00] assume you've seen people that have, like, it almost seem to catapult them up and some people almost seem to break all the way down.

Adam: That is amazing, isn't it? Yeah, absolutely. I mean, it's, it's like the old story. You know, somebody grows up with an alcoholic father, two twins grow up with an alcoholic father, a guy just drunk and mean and nasty and just not a good dad.

Dad dies at a young age, and then when those two twins are 32, they get, one of them's an alcoholic, he's licensed shambles, he's been married twice. Doesn't have a good relationship with his two kids. Mm-hmm. And the other ones has a successful business. Good, solid marriage. Won't try to drop of alcohol. No.

I mean he will, but just not a lot. Has a couple beers every now and then kind of thing. Mm-hmm. Glass of wine and you ask him, you know, well why are the S one brother? Why are you an alcoholic? Because of my dad. You know, look at what happened to me. I mean, the horrible stuff that we went through. And he asked the other brother, you know, why are you success?

And he says, because of my dad. You know, look at the challenging stuff I had to go through and

Nevada: I wanna make sure I wasn't gonna be like that.

Adam: Well, or I learned [00:53:00] some lessons of things not to do. And even when you have an alcoholic father, I mean, you can look and say, cuz I believe truly there's a bit and there's, there's good, there's a bit of good in all of us and a bit of bad in all of us.

I mean, everybody's got good and everybody's got bad. And some people who are psychopaths, they've just fed the bad for so long that they become B t K or, you know, it's, it's, and people who have trauma, they can turn it. To something that sells them consistently. They're unworthy or they can turn it and say, it's not me.

It wasn't my fault. No. You know, and so, but the alcoholic parent, I guarantee has a lot of good in them. And those are the things you wanna remember and things they tried to do. And the great parent, like Adam Sandler's dad seems like a great guy. I'm sure he had some bad in him and there were times when things he said that weren't good.

I hope Adam Sandler's not listening, but if he is, I mean, share this podcast with his friends. I hope he is listening. I hope he is listening too. Adam. Adam can, that'd

Nevada: be cool, man.

You got any other points you want to go over on this one?

I think you got all the ones I really wanted to go [00:54:00] over.

Adam: Yeah. You know, I mean, I think there's just there's so much to this as a parent, I think when they listen to stuff like this, they can get really discouraged and think, I've made so many mistakes because I've done it wrong. Which is one of the challenges of listening to good information, which, okay, I guess I'm flattering myself, but I believe there's value to this information here.

And so people, and there's truth to the information we're sharing here. So you could look at that and say, well, I mean, I've already made too many mistakes and kind of throw my hands. And I can't really correct it now my son's 15 and I've been doing this stuff for his whole life. Right? And so I would challenge all the listeners to say, well, now is the time to start because things, it is ama, it is amazing the amount of change that can happen in a year when we act as if nothing can really change.

Or we sometimes we'll say like, so much can change in a week. You know, really not a lot can change in a week, but you can start habits that can start changing things that are gonna make significant changes in three months. Mm-hmm. And if you make these kind of changes over a six month period of time and you start affirming and taking yourself out of their performance and realizing [00:55:00] it's about character, it's about merit.

It's not about their performance, it's not about a scholarship, it's about their character. It's about their long-term wellbeing. Yeah. And you can make it not about you and start changing that inside yourself and start changing that in the way you interact. Then you are gonna have a significant impact, even if they're 17, 18, 19, even if they're in college, if they're 25, 30, it doesn't matter what age they are.

You can change now. You can change now. And one of my core values is always hope. Mm-hmm. So when older people and I define, well, let's say someone's 75 and saying they can't change right now, I got a huge problem with that. Yeah. Because you can if you want to, and I see way too many people who wanna make, who do make changes because they want to, sometimes they're forced to because they have a heart attack or their doctor tells 'em they're gonna die if they don't stop eating this crap that they're putting in their body.

And they actually go ahead and say, I want to be there for my grandkids. And they change because, and that's kind of fear-based external motivation, but that's not gonna last long term unless it shifts to this inside of me. I wanna be the best person I can be for my kids because I love myself, [00:56:00] because me loving myself is gonna have the biggest impact on my kids.

And so it becomes this selfishness for the self. It's for myself because I can be the best for other people and be a light in dark places. I,

Nevada: I think it's interesting when they, I know the people talking about always say like, they can't change. You are constantly changing. Everything around you is changing.

The people are changing the place. Everything's changing. Changing everything. You are changing all the time. And so when you're like, it's been too long, it's just the way it is, you just, no, that is again, almost like the, I try, oh my gosh. Yeah. It's like no believe you can change something.

Adam: Absolutely. And you can hear information like this and then you get all kinds of information from external sources all the time, all this kind of information.

But then you hear something and it resonates and it's this inspiration. And so for everyone listening here you go with what is inspiring from the day and you make that change. And then, cuz we can be so stinking indecisive, we can say, yeah, I'm gonna make these changes with my kids. I just know this stuff is true.

I've been too hard on them, it's been about me. They're gonna perform better when I start just giving this uncon unconditional acceptance and everything. And [00:57:00] really, That that's information that they have. And if it's also mixing in with inspiration, then go with that. Cause you're gonna wake up tomorrow or you're gonna go coach the next, the team the next week, or you're gonna go talk to your kids the next day and you're gonna forget all that stuff.

Unless it becomes inspiration in spirit. Yeah. Within not this mental thing. Cuz that's why we're so stinking indecisive, is because we're just stuck in our heads. Mm-hmm. And our heads are lying to us. Cuz 95% of that crap in there isn't true. It's just stuff from our past. It's just stuff we've been told.

It's just stuff the media puts in our heads. It's just stuff that our parents put in our heads. You know, even though it was intention, their intentions were good to help us. We can still get a bunch of crap from all kinds of sources. Yeah. But there's truth that's gonna just last. And so take the truth from today and apply that and write it down somewhere so you can make a commitment and apply it right away.

Like apply it today. Go tell your kids you love 'em regardless of how they perform. Yeah. You know, you just say the words, give 'em a hug. No, just do what you

Nevada: can to make anything better. That's why take an action. You [00:58:00] gotta all the, all the kids were coaching, I'm always just like, I just want them to be successful in going forward as much as they possibly can.

Adam: And you see those basketball coaches that do that. John Wooden was like that. He made it his priority that you as my player, my number one priority and they saw it in him. You see Cream Abdul-Jabbar talk about John Wooden. Mm-hmm. You see people who have played for him and they will tell you, you know, that he cared about us as people and wanted us to succeed as people.

Mm-hmm. And I believe that's why they won nine championships primarily, more than anything.

Nevada: Well, that could have been his training the entire time was learning how to connect that way.

Adam: Oh, absolutely. And he did it. And he did it in an amazing way, regardless of the differences of whatever background or anything.

I mean, he was a great man and he had to train to get there. He was disciplined person. Mm-hmm. But he was relatable. He wasn't perfect though.

Nevada: Yeah guys, it was a great show. Thank you for tuning in and we'll see you next time guys. Have a good one.

Adam: Okay. Thanks for having me. Thank you, Adam. Yeah,[00:59:00]