Ep77_HelpOthers_full
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Adam Gragg: [00:00:00] So when I was 21, I went to a fraternity event in Oxford, Ohio, and I had a little bit too much fun the very last night of this event. It was for all the presidents of this fraternity that I was in, Phi Delta Theta, and so they had this annual event thing and I ended up sleeping in and missing my flight.

And so I woke up and it was like [00:01:00] way after my flight had taken off. My flight was taking off from Cincinnati and there were very few people around. And so I had to actually ask for a ride to the airport cuz I had, my scheduled ride was no longer there cuz they had already taken off. No one had woken me up cause we all had individual rooms, but I got a ride and I was way late, you know, so, and then I remember I ended up lying to.

The airlines saying that the bus that was transporting me had broken down and I got a new flight. Not condoning that whatsoever, but I had to get a number of different legs to get back to Portland, Oregon, which was gonna get me back to Eugene where I was in school. And I remember in the airport that I was just beat up.

I was struggling bad. I was so tired, I was hungover, I was not feeling good about myself. And there was somebody in the airport. That offered to help me carry my bags. And my response to that was like, no, thank you. I was actually kind of grouchy about it, but then I left that interaction thinking that encouraged me.

You know, like I think back in that [00:02:00] moment and think that guy, he offered to help. I rejected him. He still smiled. He was still very friendly. And that changed my day because of that offer to help. It was like somebody cares about me, you know, somebody wants to help me. And so today, We are gonna talk about how to help other people who are struggling, how you as a layperson can help other people that are struggling.

We just got out of Mental Health Month in May, and so I feel like it's probably on your mind, mental health, the topic. And so I'm gonna give you some tips that you can use to help other people who are struggling with their mental health. And so welcome to Decide Your legacy podcast. If you found this podcast helpful at any point and haven't done so.

Subscribe so you won't miss another episode. Pull out your phone, take 15 seconds. Give it a rating review on Apple or Spotify, wherever you get your content. That helps it grow organically to help more people. So a couple risks that I've taken recently, and I share these because I want you to do the same.

There's not much more important to good mental health than facing your fears. And there's not much more damaging to your mental health than playing it safe, than caving in, than placating. And so a [00:03:00] couple risks. One is I didn't cave in in a situation where I felt as if my interpretation of a situation was that I was being mistreated.

And it was a violation of my personal ethics. And so I didn't wanna stand up. I didn't wanna say anything about it cuz it was gonna cause more, potentially cause more stress in my life or whatever. But I ended up addressing it and just saying, Hey, I'm uncomfortable with this situation. I'm uncomfortable with the circumstances here.

And so I did it. You know, I've second guessed myself some, but I still feel like I was polite and friendly and hopefully there's some resolution that's positive. Maybe not. Who knows? I gotta let go of the outcome. Anyway, I did it. And so I've also been working on being more flexible as a dad, and that's kind of scary.

That's a risk for me because you know, as a dad, as you watch your child grow, your children grow and you know, they are getting closer to launching out and closer to 18, I have to let go of things, let 'em make mistakes, make their own decisions, luckily, My daughter makes great decisions, not perfect decisions by any means, but she's a very good, healthy kid, you know, and everything.

And so I've been working [00:04:00] on myself inside. She didn't even know this, but to be more flexible, it's a risk though. Have to let go of the outcome. So I'm Adam Gragg. I'm a legacy coach, speaker, mental health professional for almost 25 years. And my life purpose is helping people and companies and organizations find transformational clarity, kind of clarity that gives 'em hope and propels 'em forward to face their biggest fears, usually emotional fears in their life, so they can live and leave their desired legacy so that when they're gone 10 years after they're gone, they're living the life now they want people to be remembering them for when they're gone.

You know, over Christmas dinner, that kind of thing. So I talk to stuff as well that you can talk to your six-year-old about, and they're gonna be able to grasp these tools in this topic. I also am a fellow traveler. I struggle with everything that I talk about.

I'm a fellow listener as well, because I forget everything I talk about. And don't apply it many days, unfortunately. So, but I try, well I train. I'm in training, not trying. Training means it's a process. I'm getting better training, I'm not giving up on the training. And I wanna challenge you today to listen [00:05:00] as a teacher, not just as a consumer or a student.

And to think about as you listen something from the day that you're gonna teach to somebody else because it resonates with you. Not in a weird kind of way, you're just gonna talk about it, kid, friend, somebody. This is the podcast that you do. Not just listen to, let's sit. Let's go ahead and start with an action.

So what I want you to do is to write down and speak into your phone. I want you to think about someone you know that is struggling, a friend, a family member, a coworker, a neighbor, a cousin, just somebody that's struggling who you may feel some lack of ability to help. It's kind of above your pay grade, you know?

So maybe you tell yourself, well, mental health professionals gotta deal with that one. Or I can't really help them, or whatever, you know? But it could be somebody you know, you actually can't help, but you just haven't. But think about that person. I want you to write their name down and think about them as we go through this content.

As I've thought about this, I've gotten requests from many people to do mental health type training with lay people. So there's people who interact with others on a frequent basis that share their problems, like hairstylists, like [00:06:00] personal trainers, massage therapists, HR professionals. I. Executives, business owners, leaders attorneys, you know, come on, family law attorneys, and these are tips that you can, cuz the request has been, well, what can I do to help these people?

I feel unqualified and I'm not trained. And my answer to them is, well, you know, you can do some things and here's some things you can do and I would love, in fact, if you have this interest and you want me to talk to your team who's not in the middle of profession about this, Topic because they want to feel more.

You want them to feel more equipped, or they're expressing insecurity and helping people who are coming to them saying they're suicidal or that they're going through a divorce, or their kids are going astray or they're an alcoholic. Well, here's some tips today that you can use. Then I can talk to your team about one-on-one and you know, if you hire me to come speak or somebody on my team, or you're gonna learn this stuff today.

So put your seatbelt on. Here we go. So some of my best tips and tools for the layperson to help others that are struggling and these help, these are things that clients, that counselors do as well. So, and again, people [00:07:00] come to you, they're depressed, they come to you, they're hopeless, and you just sense that from them.

They're looking for answers. And maybe you are cutting their hair and you're the only person they feel safe enough to talk to who's really listening to them. Maybe they have a toxic work environment, or they're being mistreated in some way, or they're going through abuse, an abusive marriage potentially.

Or they have some sort of. Addiction, prescription drugs, you know, or alcohol. Or maybe they have a son or a daughter who they don't know how to help and that's causing mental health issues for them, but they're bringing it to you and you're feeling unequipped at some, in some level. At some level, you know, maybe you don't feel unequipped, but this will help you regardless.

So number one. First thing you can do is you can learn to listen and validate, because when you're uncomfortable, they're gonna pick up on that. So that means you calm yourself and you remind yourself that you don't have to fix their problems, that they're coming to you because they trust you and they've shared this with you because you're a safe environment for them.

So don't judge. Remember to listen. Watch your body language, watch the smirks on your face. Don't show discomfort. You can work on that. You can watch your body language. You can do things that [00:08:00] show them you care by repeating back to them what you just heard them say.

Or saying things like, it makes sense to me. Feel that way. Or I can really tell you're struggling here, or, I am, I wouldn't say I'm sorry because I just don't like that term when people, Hey, I'm really sorry you went through this and that and everything. Cuz it's so cliche now. It's not a bad thing to say, but it's very cliche and people often take it that way.

But if you say, Hey, tell me more about that, and you get them to talk more about it, you're showing curiosity. You know, if you say, it seems that you're struggling with some real sadness here, then they're probably gonna open up more. Cuz you're validating their emotion. You're not judging them.

Don't go ahead and try to tell them your struggles. Well, I've been through that and I've had it and I know a similar situation or somebody that went through this. Try to avoid that kind of stuff until further into the conversation.

It can be showing them that, okay, you've had issues maybe that they're gonna perceive you're saying that's worse for you or other people, which is invalidating. It could be perceived as if you want to go ahead and talk about somebody else or some other situation, [00:09:00] which can be invalidating. It takes real skill to build that understanding and rapport before you go to how other people have handled it.

So listen, ask questions, be curious. Let them talk and validate.

So the second thing is ask open-ended type questions. And what that means is that you're asking questions that don't elicit a response, that is a yes or no answer. They evoke. More sharing. So a open-ended question is something like, what do you want?

Or how has it impacted you? Or what do you hope for here? Or, tell me more. Or something like, what are you excited about over the next couple weeks? That's an open-ended question. Or what are you most appreciative of in your family right now? Or share with me more about your kids. What are they like? Those are open-ended questions because they're gonna elaborate them giving more [00:10:00] information, and they're putting 'em in a position where they can't just say, although they can, but they're gonna be less likely to say, I don't know, or to close off because you're showing genuine curiosity.

And so I'm gonna link in the show notes to something I put together recently. It's called Getting to Know Your Family, and it's really something you can use with getting to know your friends and getting to know your coworkers as well. I made it thinking about wanting to get to know my. Aunts and uncles and parents and cousins better, and then interviewing them and having a record of that for my grandkids and hopefully great grandkids cuz I hope to live a long, long time, that kind of thing.

But these can give you some great ideas of open-ended questions and another link. In the show notes, it's to 50 excellent relationship building questions. Now, I've given this out to probably 20,000 people over the last 10 years, and you probably already have, you have a copy of this if you're a fan. But I'm giving it to you again.

So these are questions cuz you're gonna forget those kinds of things. Just like I forget what I talk about in my podcast cuz I can't see the forest through the trees. I'm sorry I'm not perfect far from it. But you can go ahead and it can [00:11:00] spur some types of questions that you could ask a client when they're struggling.

Or you could ask a client when they're not struggling because when you build rapport, They're more apt to share with you the struggles that they have, and maybe you don't want them to share the struggles that you have, but I caution you with that because they will shut down and they will also get the impression that you're just.

You're just a source of money for them, and people have very good radar to know when someone is just a source of money or just a source of in, of lowering their cap rate, or just a source of their reputation being enhanced, they're gonna know that. And that's the own internal work that we can do to get ourselves in a position where we can listen and validate and be curious and ask open-ended questions genuinely.

Because there's no external solution to an internal problem if you know your heart's not right. Well, we work on getting our heart right. I. Before we actually hopefully go to work. That's why I like to start my day with a devotional. So with some kind of scripture that I'm [00:12:00] meditating on, that gets me into a frame of mind where I can be open and engage with my heart and I'm in the right place.

Not saying I do that every day. I'm not gonna lie to you. So if you have found this podcast helpful so far, hit the link to shatterproof yourself. These are seven steps to building mental health and toughness. You won't wanna miss that. It's a video and a workbook you can go through with your team. You can go through by yourself, and it can and will.

If you apply the information, have a huge impact on your life, hit the link, shatterproof yourself. Third thing is ask them how you can help. That's very interesting. That's what that guy did in the airport with me. He said, Al, can I help you? He said, actually, can I help you carry your bags? And I looked at him and said, and thought, yeah, weirdo.

But he wasn't. Man. I remember the guy's face, I remember his, his posture. I remember his tone of voice. I remember how he carried himself. This was a guy. Who was like, it was like I just walked by, you know, mother Teresa or something. It was like this guy was like, you know how you're [00:13:00] I, your intuitively your intuitive sense of this is a good person.

It definitely had that sense with this guy. I don't know his name. I couldn't probably, I probably could describe him to you cause I remember his face pretty clearly. Even though that was like 30, oh my gosh, that would've been in 1994 or five. So it was a long time ago. But still, that's the kind of thing that.

That's the kind of impact you can have by simply asking, how can I help? And that doesn't mean when you're someone's personal trainer and, and they tell you that they're going through a divorce and they don't know what to do, and you ask them, well, how can I help? It doesn't mean you. Are gonna be their counselor, you're gonna go move in with them or you're gonna go pay their rent or you're gonna, you know, but they may say, well, do you know of any good divorce attorneys?

Or they may say, do you know of any good counselors? Or they may say, well, what are things that have been similar in your life and how have you handled that situation? So that's an open-ended question that is offering, it's an offer so they can, and an offer means you can accept it or you can decline it, but they're offering.

And so this man made an offer [00:14:00] in the airport to help me with my bags. I declined it. It is still had an impact. Isn't that amazing? Still had an impact 27, 28 years later, kind of crazy. So you can ask them how you can help, and then again, watch the body language. So you're gonna hear what they have to say.

And that may feel really weird to ask somebody, well, how can I help? Because it may feel as if for some, well, that is crossing a boundary or that is, Judging them in some way and assuming that they actually need help by you asking how you can help, but they're sharing some things openly and you're asking, how can I help?

There you go. That's number three. The third thing is to ask them what they have tried already, so they come and share with you that they have been struggling with thoughts of suicide.

I would say when they're struggling with suicide, they're sharing with you that they're depressed. So you're saying, well, it seems to me that you must be really going through some depression. Is that accurate? And they say, yes, I really am. You know, my, my dad passed away. I didn't think it was gonna impact me a lot.

And it really [00:15:00] has impacted me a lot. And then you say, well, what, what, what have you, what have you tried to to do that's been helping with the depression and then they share with you? Well, you know, I haven't done anything, but I thought about talking to my doctor and I haven't really done anything, but I've thought about talking to one of my friends who had a similar situation, and then I've heard about this grief group, but I don't want to go.

It's put on by this hospice thing and I think it, they're a bunch of weirdos and whatever and or they may say I've tried medication but it hasn't actually helped me. But what you're doing is you're getting them to think. Which is a really powerful thing, and a lot of people don't ever do it, so I really encourage you to try it.

Thinking is a wonderful thing. A lot of times we emote, which means we just react to our emotions and we don't actually think first before and say, where is this emotion coming from? Why am I feeling jealousy? What's going on inside? And then we're able to talk ourselves and say, Hey, you know, I have a pretty good life and a lot to be grateful for.

Then you stop feeling jealous. Then you interact with people differently. So if you think, you step back and you say, In your mind as you talk, cuz people are starting to process. You ask a good, when you ask a good question, there's [00:16:00] often a pause. I've said this before, sometimes my clients will pause for a minute before they answer.

And that used to be very uncomfortable for me. But now it's one of these things where I say, darn it, I ask the right que. That's a great question.

So that question is what have, what have you tried before gets them to think and starts to empower them to help them see that they have some solutions to their problem and have tried things potentially in the past that have helped, which does come outta that question cuz they say, well, in the past I would really exercise a lot more.

And that really did help in the past cuz I had this membership to the why, but now I don't have that. And they may not commit to doing that. And I wouldn't encourage them to even, I wouldn't say, well, why don't you do that now? I would not say, Say that that's gonna be coming, you making decisions for them, or could be some undue pressure.

You re you refrain. I mean, primarily what you're doing to be helping somebody who is struggling. As you're listening, just think 80% listening, 20% talking, and primarily that 20% is gonna be questions. These open-ended questions that get people to actually think. So you get them to actually articulate what they have tried before.

In that articulation as well, [00:17:00] they may identify people who have supported them. So I used to talk to these buddies from college, or I used to go to this men's group at my church and it was really helpful and I don't do that anymore. And I know that I would like to get plugged into that, or I would like to start going to church again, or I would like to go and start talking to this buddy of mine from college that we used to always call each other every Friday morning and have a coffee over the phone.

We don't do it anymore, but they're starting to see that they have solutions as you listen. So you can also say what else has helped? So what else is a great question? That's an open-ended question, and you can ask that in some situations three or four times after that initial question. I'm telling you, because people will be prompted to actually elaborate more cuz you get a sense in their response that there's more to the story.

And it could be, you know, what else, what am I missing here? Or is there something else that you wanted to share with me? And you get better at it over time as you go, cuz you're gonna be comfortable with yourself, which I'm telling you again, is you become comfortable with your, you becoming comfortable with yourself.

It knows that you're shatter proofed man. I mean, it knows [00:18:00] it's comes out because you are, are showing them that you care and you're showing them that their rejection or their response. You're not gonna be flustered by that because you value yourself. One of the best ways you can ever help anybody is to love yourself and to value yourself and to see your worth and to trust that God's got your back and he's on the side of good and on the side of doing right, and he's gonna.

Back you up and that you are valuable regardless of what other people say or do or think, that you can make it through and you gotta train your mind. You gotta train yourself. It's a spiritual thing. It's one of those, I mean, be around good people, you know, corrupt company corrupts people, right? You know, be around good people, be around your monkeys, is what I call 'em.

So ask them that question. What have they already tried? The fifth thing that you can do, that was number four, the fifth. Is to help them to change their perspective. And I mean help, you're, you're not changing their perspective. You're doing things that are going to potentially help them [00:19:00] to change their perspective because our perspective is often fed by untruth and we feel based on how we think.

And so if we have a perspective that is hopeless and really it doesn't, Reflect any of the pen potential that we have, and really it's not recognizing any of the things we have to be grateful for and any of the opportunities that are ahead, then that's a problem and it's gonna cause neural pathways that are gonna be negative and we gotta rise above them and figure out a way to change them.

So asking questions like, well, what it would it be like a year from now if all this got worked out in your marriage, what would it be like and how does that feel to think about that? Or what is something. That happened over the last couple of months that you think about now and you're like, man, that was a great thing.

That was really a positive situation. Or the last day or the last week that was really positive in my life. Or what is something you can go even specific, you can go, like what is something in your health that you're really grateful for? I. I know you've been sharing some things about your marriage, but hey, I'm cutting your hair.[00:20:00]

And you seem like you're, I know you just came from the gym, so what are some things that are going right there? But don't say it in a hypocritical way. You have to say it in a curious way and it, it's gonna take practice. I get it. It's not gonna be something natural necessarily, and it's not gonna be something to divert them from the actual topic.

So you're gonna wanna ask these questions that help 'em change their perspective as you've gotten further along in the conversation, as you're helping somebody that's struggling. And they may not realize as you talk and help them, that they're feeding their anxiety and their depression because anxiety is primarily fed.

And I'm gonna link to an article about how we feed our anxiety here as well. It's fed by ambiguity, not defining the problem. So they're just spinning, spinning, spinning in their head. They're not defining the problem, the worst possible outcome. They're jumping ahead, which I've been doing today. More than I should.

Like this could go wrong. That could go wrong. Then I had a buddy kind of talk me out of it. It was a really good thing. And focusing on avoiding. So you're avoiding that situation. You're not addressing the situation, you're not doing anything about the situation. So that can help people as they change those patterns of feeding their [00:21:00] anxiety to actually start shifting their perspective to something more hopeful and optimistic.

And they feed their depression primarily by what Henry Cloud calls the three Ps. That's where I first learned that, and it's because they're saying it's personal. So I'm the only one struggling with this. It's pervasive. It's impacting my entire life, not just one area of my life. So not just my health is struggling right now because I was diagnosed with, with prostate cancer, which I wasn't.

I'm not saying I was, I mean, but if you know, you could be struggling if that was a diagnosis, obviously. But they're also saying that other parts of their life starting to feel that other parts like their family, their marriage, their job, because that one area of their life is not going very well and it feeds depression and then permanent.

We start viewing it as permanent. It's never gonna change. I'm never gonna have a solution. I'm never gonna make progress in this situation. My marriage is never gonna actually get better. And you, by knowing that, and I'll link in an article too as well, about depression and those three Ps. So it's on overcoming depression, so overcoming anxiety, overcoming depression articles I read about a wrote about a decade ago that get a lot of traction to this day cuz they resonate.

On my [00:22:00] website. So you help them change their perspective. So of course I have the daily five and five. You know, what is something you can do about this that is proactive is a great question to help 'em change their perspective. What's your vision for your life? I know it's hard right now, but really if you had this.

Ideal situation, realistic and ideal situation. How would it be in a couple years, you know, what are your goals over the next year? And again, you don't do that to divert them from the thing they're sharing that for which they're struggling. You only do it after you've shown them that you care and you're listening and you're understanding and you can articulate to them that you understand their struggle to the best of your ability.

You can't understand it exactly. Just like no one can under exactly understand things I've gone through. And no one, I can't exactly understand things other people have gone through. Even though we may, we, we, we may both have gone through a divorce or we may both have dealt with abandonment or in our lives at some level, but we can understand aspects but not the whole picture.

So saying to someone, I understand exactly what you're going through, I would recommend you stay away from that phrase. [00:23:00] And it will sound cliche as well. So the seventh, that was number six, but the seventh is encouraging them to take action. And by encouraging them to take action, it's questions like, you know what, if you did go and talk to a counselor about this, or maybe you could go ahead and increase the amount of exercise you get.

I. How do you think that would impact you? You're not saying you should, you're not saying they need to. You're just saying maybe, you know, what if maybe you know, or it's a possibility or have you considered, and then that's a non-direct, yet still direct prompting of taking action. It's a backdoor approach, which a backdoor approach is good.

It's a positive form of manipulation. So every time you hear the word manipulation, a lot of people think something is. It's very negative. Yet manipulation can actually be a very positive thing because you in a sense, are influencing somebody by standing up for yourself or saying that you [00:24:00] have a concern or saying that this is something that has worked for somebody else and it's.

Starting to shift their perspective, but it's not taking advantage of them for personal gain, and that's a negative form of manipulation. It's actually a way of influencing somebody for positive gain or what you perceive would be positive gain and taking action. Generally, that's proactive, that's facing things, that's not feeding the negativity and focusing on the worst outcome.

And actually, Personalizing it and seeing it as permanent, never gonna go away, is not gonna be encouraging somebody. So you listening is encouraging somebody, you loving yourself is encouraging somebody cuz they're seeing your confidence, which if it's genuine and not arrogance and ego, it's just because you know that you're a child of God and you're valuable and it's gonna come out well.

Hey, come on. You know that's gonna encourage anybody you interact with. As it has for me when I interact with people who are living according to their values and who are valuing themselves and are willing to stand up what's right and willing to follow through on commitments and do things and honor contracts and honor things that they've said they were [00:25:00] gonna do verbally.

Those are the kind of people you wanna be around, and those are the kind of people that take action, that people look up to and say, I wanna be like that guy. And that may be your legacy. That may be part of the legacy you wanna live right now, is people will look and remember you. Like I do this guy in the airport, this random guy, and say, you know what?

I wanna be like that guy. I wanna offer a stranger who appears to be struggling, which I was, and just say, how can I help? Or can help carry your bags and. Risk being rejected or being looked down upon or looking awkward. It's worth it in the long run. Easy now, hard later, hard now, easy later. When we're thinking short-term gain, a lot of times that's the expense of our own mental health and it's the expense of others at the expense of others, and it's at the expense of our own dignity and integrity when we're thinking short-term gain, long-term.

We're gonna make a whole different set of decisions, and as you approach helping other people struggling, that long-term perspective is gonna shift your perspective and it's gonna help you see it's a process. [00:26:00] You don't need to fix everything. You don't need them to change or tell you that what you suggested or what you asked them about or whatever changed their life.

That's not it. You just be there to care and they'll pick up on that.

So let's go ahead and recap how to help others struggling. So number one, listen and validate. Watch your body language, watch your tone. Ask clarifying questions.

Be curious. Watch how you carry yourself, don't judge. Number two, ask open-ended questions that evoke a response and thought, and I gave you some links of some great open-ended questions as well. Number three, ask them how you can help and be willing to listen and validate and understand. And not be weirded out if they ask you for recommendations for an attorney.

That kind of thing. Number four is ask them what they have tried already. So they start thinking that they have these resources or solutions that they may not have considered, and they process that, and then you get to validate them and listen really well there as well. Number five, [00:27:00] help them change their perspective.

So you're seeing their potential because you're recognizing this is an opportunity and it's gonna come out in your body language and your tone, and you're gonna help them subtly change and alter their perspective to seeing the potential and the opportunity rather than the problem. And fixating on that.

Number seven, encourage them to take action, encourage them to do something to move the needle in this situation.

So what resonated with you most today? In the next 24 hours talk about that concept. Teach it subtly. Don't be a weirdo, someone to somebody naturally, and then take an emotional risk based on something that you learn today as well. Maybe that thing you teach, you're gonna take an emotional risk based on that thing today as well.

So remember, my rule, 30% of transformational change is insight. You're gaining insight today. You're reading a book, you're listening to a podcast, you're talking to a buddy. 70% or more is action. Taking action is much more important than gaining insight. Take action. Take a risk. You're gonna make some mistakes, but that's okay.

Help [00:28:00] me out to speak. Help me out to speak to your team live or over zoom. Or someone else on my team live over Zoom or hire a legacy coach to work with you or your team or myself to work with you or your team. Love to talk to you about that as well. And I'm gonna sign off today the way I always do, make it your mission to live the life now that you want to be remembered for 10 years after you're gone, you decide your legacy.

No one else. I appreciate you greatly and I'll see you next time.