Ep86_SelfConfidence_full
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Adam Gragg: [00:00:00] So welcome to episode 86 of the Decide Your Legacy podcast. Today I'm gonna talk to you about five self-confidence secrets, and if you found this podcast helpful, subscribe so you'll never miss another podcast episode. Pull out your phones, give it a rating and review wherever you get your podcast content.

That helps it to grow [00:01:00] organically so we can help more people and reach more people, and I greatly appreciate it. So I'm your host, Adam Gragg. I'm a licensed clinical family therapist for over 20 years and a legacy. Coach, a writer, and a blogger and a speaker. And my purpose is to help people find the self-confidence and transformational clarity They need to face their biggest fears in life so they can live their desired legacy.

Now, I aim to teach concepts so you can talk to your six year old about, and they are gonna understand and grasp. And I'm also a fellow traveler. I struggle with. The stuff that I talk about in my podcast, in fact, I produce these, first of all for myself to remember things and then for you, or maybe it's 50 50, but I don't do it just for myself.

I do it for other people as well. But it reminds me of what I need to remember because I leak, I forget. And so today I wanna challenge you to listen, not just as a student, but as a teacher. So think about something as we go through this content that you can teach to somebody else in the next 12 [00:02:00] hours.

The next 24 hours, and that'll make it stick. That'll make the content actually stick much at a deeper level, and it'll actually be retained and you can apply it. So something uncomfortable I've done recently, and I share this stuff because I want you to do the same. Nothing is, in my opinion, nothing is more important to your mental health than facing your fears.

And nothing is more damaging to your mental health than playing it safe. And so a couple things I've done well, one thing I did. Is I made some phone calls to people that I knew could potentially reject me and I drug my feet and I didn't wanna do it, but I committed and I put it in my calendar and actually followed through.

And another thing I did is I switched from ConvertKit to Kajabi. And so that scares me because I understand this one platform. I don't understand the other one I'm learning. But I do think the potential to reach people and help more people is much, much greater on Kajabi.

So I'm a fan. And I wanna remind you, this is the podcast that you do. You don't just listen to it. You gotta get uncomfortable too. So let's start with an action. So what is something in your life where you lack? What is an area where you lack self-confidence? Is it in [00:03:00] your business? Is it in relationships? Is it in relationships with your family or your kids?

Is it in serving others? Is it in being involved as a volunteer? Is it in creating a product or creating a resource that you get out there? So where do you lack some confidence? And some of the clues to that is you keep avoiding it. Yet, it's on your mind and in your heart, yet you keep avoiding it. You procrastinate or you go to perfectionism.

I gotta get a little better before I launch it. I gotta get a little better. So I want you to write that down or speak it into your phone. What is an area where you lack self-confidence? Another way, another clue is that you are frequently negative about that. This thing, yet it's on your mind and heart, but all you do in your mind is go, or frequently you go to the negative about that person or that situation or that opportunity rather than the potential.

And so that can be a real clue that you lack self-confidence. Let me define self-confidence so you can be confident in an area of your life. Like for example, you can be really confident as a golfer, yet you're not really confident. In another part of your life, like public speaking, self-confidence is different than confidence.

[00:04:00] Self-confidence means that you believe in yourself with faith. You believe that whatever comes your way, you can actually handle it. And so it's a big problem. We lack self-confidence 'cause we don't live life to the fullest. Carl Ung the greatest tragedy, the family is the unlived lives of our parents.

We don't live our lives to the fullest and we lack self-confidence. And the benefit of having confidence is that we can start to let go. Of the pull that the praise of other people and the criticism of other people has on our lives. Just imagine, you know, imagine for a second if you had 10 times more self-confidence and what you would be doing, how you would act around people, how you would talk to people, what people would notice in you that's different.

The types of risks you would be taking, the things you would do with your schedule that are different than what you do now. When you would wake up in the morning, when you would go to bed, how you would take care of yourself and your health. And how you would engage spiritually. What would you do if you were 10 times more confident, not had 10 times more money?

'cause that's not the source, but 10 times more confidence. And so I want you to go ahead and download a very valuable link in this podcast right now. And it's called, if I Had More [00:05:00] Self-Confidence. And this is a worksheet that you can fill out on your own. And it's gonna give you some insight into yourself and some clarity into yourself as you answer the questions regarding having more self-confidence.

And these are things that are gonna inspire you and help you to want to take risks. 'cause you're gonna see yourself from a different lens. You're gonna step back from your life and actually analyze it. Kind of like you're stepping back and you're seeing the label. On a piece of, on a food item, and you're seeing how much fat is in it, and you're seeing how much you know, well saturated fat, you're seeing how much sugar is in it.

You're seeing all the reality of the situation that you're in. You can do that with your own life and step back and say, I'm not acting as if I believe in myself. I'm not trusting God. I'm not believing that I can handle this situation, and then you can start changing it because you can't change anything unless you start with reality.

You can't fix anything. You don't admit. Admit that is, it is broken. So the first thing I want to talk to you about, the first secret when it comes to self-confidence is get clarity. Get clarity. You're gonna be distracted by all kinds of things. I mean, I'm distracted by all kinds of things.

Just recently, [00:06:00] my daughter had a situation where she'd have her phone for about four hours and well, actually, you know what? It was a consequence. So she'd have her phone for four hours and she, I. Was frustrated at first and then after a while because she didn't have her phone, she started to read and write and create and she got all excited about writing again.

She got all excited about certain, like even playing the piano and things that she was distracted from engaging because of her phone. So we have to find ways to get clarity in our lives so that we can. Remember what is most important to us so we can aim at the things that are the primary source of our happiness and our joy.

And remember, good is the enemy of the best in our lives. So we can have all these good things and we can justify and rationalize while we're engaging in all these other things. Yet there's these glaring. This is what you should focus on, Adam. It's just crying out intuitively in my life. This is the most important thing in your life.

These relationships are where to focus your attention. This project is where to focus your attention, and if I listen, if I listen to my intuition, I'm gonna be directed in that level, in that way. So towards what's gonna give [00:07:00] clarity in my life. So what are my core values? What is my purpose in life or my primary aim?

And asking myself those questions. How about how do I want to be remembered when I'm gone? What is the lifestyle that I wanna leave? Lead in my life and how do I want to engage people in relationships? How do I want to deal with adversity in my life? Those are all your purpose. Those are all your aim in life.

So what do you want your life to look like? What's a balanced life gonna look like for you? What's a vision for your future and your business and your relationships? And then what are the goals that you can set that are gonna get you there? And so recently I had a client that he. He knew he wanted to reconcile with a family member that he hadn't talked to in over 20 years.

And in the coaching session, I challenged him to do it. I challenged him to reach out and he didn't wanna do it, but eventually he did because he knew I wasn't gonna let go. No, actually it was his own decision. I'm not gonna say I made the decision for him, but he made the decision. I don't exactly know how it went, but I know that I sensed some energy in him after he had actually made that decision.

Because he was, he was going in the [00:08:00] direction of clarity. He was heading in the direction of his life purpose. In that moment, in that situation. So a couple things you can do is you can plan out time for self-reflection. You can turn off your phone, and tell your admin to not take any phone calls.

You can listen to some music so you can focus, you can potentially listen to the same song over and over again, which I do, and I have some really relaxed. Songs that I like to listen to over and over again. You can get in a place where you're not gonna be distracted by the TV or the phone, and you can work on a worksheet like this one called, if I Have More Self-Confidence, you can try, you can start it out with that.

You can purchase a product that can help you. I have a product that can help you. In fact, you can purchase Tune Up for Life. It's gonna help you to identify your core values and a life purpose statement and your goals and a vision, and help you to think clearly in, in a healthy fashion. You can post whatever your vision is and whatever your values are, and look at them every single day in the morning when you get up.

So don't miss that worksheet again that I linked to as well. So number two is set boundaries with yourself and set boundaries with [00:09:00] others. And so when you set boundaries with yourself, in fact, once you, in order to have this clarity, you're gonna have to set some boundaries with other people. I. Because you're gonna have to turn some things off in your life that you know, you engage in consistently, that distract you from the most important things in your Setting boundaries with others means that you're gonna say no to certain situations. You're gonna trust your intuition, trust yourself and say, this is a good thing for me to engage in. This is not a good thing for me to engage in. You're gonna do the next right thing that God puts in front of you.

That's gonna mean you're gonna make some people uncomfortable. You're potentially gonna get some frustrated people in your life, just like a parent does when they set boundaries with their kids and say, Hey, this is your curfew. If you're late, you know, don't be late. You know? And so, and if you're late and they are late, then you have a consequence for that, not in a punitive.

Demeaning kind of way, but you're just following through and they're making the choice actually to be late. I mean, certainly if they have a good excuse like they got in a car accident or they got a speeding ticket, now that's not really a good excuse, but you know, they're gonna have excuses and things at times where you're gonna have to adjust and be flexible, which actually helps you [00:10:00] to be confident as well.

When you're flexible, you're not rigid, again, you have a growth mindset. Not a limiting mindset. You have a opportunity mindset, not a rigid mindset. So you're gonna set boundaries, and that means taking, not taking the bait from other people. I know in certain situations in my life I have, I have friends and family that I love dearly, but especially family that I love dearly that can say things that can trigger me.

And I don't think they do it intentionally, but I think they do it knowing that it's gonna get my attention. So it's gonna give them some validation. And by me taking the bait, I'm gonna engage in it further. I'm gonna feed it, I'm gonna get defensive, I'm gonna defend myself by not taking the the bait.

I'm gonna make a statement potentially, like I don't agree with that. Or ask them a clarifying question. So what do you mean by that? But not get defensive and go. So when I get defensive, then I'm really making it about me and how I feel, and I'm getting away from curiosity and learning and understanding.

And I am focusing on them, understanding my perspective. [00:11:00] So as Stephen Covey famously said, so seek first to understand, then to be understood. So focus on the needs and whatever is going on in the other person's life before, and get to understand that and figure that out before you get sucked into what's going on in your life.

So they may be going through a really difficult time. They may be in a really insecure state. They may be trying to manipulate you, and that's focusing on their needs, and you're identifying it, you're stepping back from it. You're looking at the label on the. Piece of food you're going to eat somewhere that you bottle the store and you're actually getting some clarity on that item, on that menu, on that whatever situation relationally that you're dealing with.

And having boundaries with yourself means you make decisions and then you commit to it. A decision is actually a promise to yourself, so be very careful when you make a decision. I know for me, when I decide to read a book, I take it seriously because I have this rule that when I start a book, I finish it, and so that makes me go to a place where I'm gonna be a critical.

In a positive way, I'm gonna critically analyze what I'm gonna read so that I know that if [00:12:00] this, if I'm gonna read this thing, I've done some research on it. Either it's been recommended by a friend that I trust and I trust their perspective and I know their reading style, and I know the kind of stuff, content they like to consume and they recommend it to me, or it's something that I've looked at the reviews on, or I've heard about in some other fashion, but I'm gonna take it seriously.

A commitment means you're gonna follow through. So some actions you can take to make this stick. Some things you can do today is just create a daily plan. For your life, not a rigid plan. With some margin, that means space between commitments. It may only be three or four commitments in a day, but you're deciding when you're gonna get up and when you're gonna go to bed.

You're deciding when you're gonna eat your meals. You're deciding what goals you're gonna focus on during the day, and then you follow through with it, and you follow through with it rigidly and by rigid. I don't mean perfectionistic. I mean you make it a seven. Rigidity is the cardinal trait of all mental illness.

I don't wanna center you on that. I don't wanna get you focused on that. I'm saying commitments are serious and they're one of the things that you wanna look at and say, I'm gonna follow through with this, come hell or high water, unless there's a really extreme circumstance that gets [00:13:00] me off track here.

So you take your commitment seriously. Another thing you can do is you can decide, or actually you can identify how many hours a week you work. You put into work-like activities, if it's a side hustle or if it's your job, whatever it may be. And how much time do you put into fun and self-care? So working out, playing golf, watching a cool movie, whatever.

And you want you to write down an actual number of hours that you spend in each activity. You have 168 hours in a week. You can just put it in your schedule. You can write it down on a notepad, you can put it in your journal. But I want you to get a sense of how much time you're putting towards personal and how much time you're putting towards professional.

And you may be surprised. I know once I made a commitment and it was based on some things a friend and some friends had told me, but it was really well, it was inspired, or at least I thought about it based on some things a friend had told me, and it was to apologize to somebody. And I knew that if I sat on it and didn't go and actually do it, I knew I wouldn't do it.

And I had done something that I wasn't proud of. I had treated somebody in a way that I wouldn't have wanted to be [00:14:00] treated. So I hadn't given them enough clarity about the situation. And so, I decided at that moment that I'm gonna do this. In fact, I was having coffee with a friend and I said, I'm gonna go do this right now, and I was gonna drive to this person's place of work and say that I was sorry.

No excuses. And I did it, believe it or not, and after I did it, you know, it was awkward, uncomfortable. Everything like that, but I felt energized because I had followed through with it. And an apology. When you make that kind of commitment, you set that boundary with yourself that I'm gonna do this thing, and you follow through with it.

Even if it doesn't go well, you're gonna feel as if you made a promise and you kept it to yourself. And that's gonna give you a sense of integrity. It's gonna give you a sense of worth because you're following through and you can start trusting yourself more and more. 'cause you're making and taking these commitments very seriously.

So number three. When it comes to secret to building self-confidence is play the long game. Don't get stuck in this short-term mentality, how I feel now meeting and [00:15:00] fulfilling my current desires, not doing things that are uncomfortable because right now it's gonna feel uncomfortable and I don't want to feel uncomfortable.

So we medicate and we numb, and we don't take action and we avoid instead. And we procrastinate and we perfection. Eight, if that's even a word, it's not. But we get perfectionistic and we don't actually do it. And I've been there and I've done that, and I still struggle with that.

I've struggled that to a great level with switching from ConvertKit to Kajabi and launching my courses on Kajabi, which I think is actually the. An awesome move and I love the product. In fact, I'll put a link to Kajabi in the show notes because if you actually sign up for that product through me, you can get a discount.

Actually, you can get some free usage. You can get, I believe, up to 30 days free of Kajabi, and I actually get credit for that. I actually really like the product, and so playing the long game. Oftentimes that means learning from the failures that we have in the moment.

We take a risk and [00:16:00] we fail because we know that it's leading us down the path to where we really want to go. And so I remember in 2007 I actually had to resign from a job because of ethical concerns I have. And I spoke up and I said, this bothered me. And I ended up, it not, it wasn't changed, and I ended up giving my resignation and they had me leave right away.

Which, you know, that does happen. And then I got another job 'cause I was unemployed for, well, actually not very long, but I got another job very quickly. And then I was there for a year and then they let me go, was the great recession. And so I had to leave at that moment as well, pack up my stuff. You know, I had been using a lot of boxes in that point in my career.

So that was 2006, 2007, 2008. And. I remember leaving in both of those situations demoralized and thinking I'm a failure and thinking it's never gonna get better. And how could this happen and how could you stay at a job so long when you knew that things weren't changing? You know, what's wrong with you, Adam?

But now I look back and I think those things were catalysts. I. And they got me to where I am now, which I help people [00:17:00] with their careers, and I help people with life transitions, and I help people find clarity and confidence that changes their lives. And I'm so happy about the situation I'm in professionally.

Not every single day, not perfectly, but I'm pretty stinking happy at what I get to do every day. I mean, it's pretty amazing what I get to do every day. But those things, at the time, they did not seem like positive things. And I was playing the long game. When I resigned from my job, I knew it wasn't healthy.

I knew it wasn't a good situation and I was playing the long game even after I had lost that second job. Not at first because I was demoralized for the first few months. 'cause I was unemployed for seven months actually. But then I started to think of the opportunities that were ahead because I was getting clarity through this difficult situation.

So some actions you can take right now is you can start creating a vision for your future. You know, what do you want it to look like in five years and dream and have fun? And use that self-reflection time to clarify what it is and get it down on paper. Create a vision board, post it somewhere. Talk to your friends about it.

Talk to your family about it. Look at it every day, and you can. [00:18:00] Decide what you really want in your life. I mean, asking yourself that question is very powerful. It's the same thing really. It's creating a vision, is asking yourself what you really want, but you take the time to do it. So, if you found this podcast helpful so far, hit the link to shatterproof yourself.

These are seven small steps to take a giant leap in your mental health. You won't wanna miss it. And you're only gonna get it by subscribing to the decide your legacy eNewsletter. So number four, the fourth secret to building self-confidence is watch your language. Watch how you talk to yourself and watch how you talk to others and watch how you talk in your own brain all the time about situations that you face.

Because we use language that's really all or nothing frequently. So it's either a success or a failure. I should do this. I shouldn't do that. I must do this. I must not do that. Start recognizing it, stepping back from it and seeing how it is caught up in negativity bias. I'm seeing the worst possible outcome.

I'm doing things to avoid by being in these extremes. I'm doing things [00:19:00] to focus on the worst. Well, I'm actually, I'm keeping things very fuzzy and ambiguous 'cause I'm not stepping back from it. 'cause I'm thinking in extremes as well. I'm not getting any clarity. So a, a friend of mine. Was really struggling not too long ago with having a negative mindset.

It asked me, is it ever gonna change? Am I ever gonna get outta this habit of worrying? And I think I inherited it from my dad, is what he said. I think I got it from my dad, and I said, well, maybe you did. Maybe you saw it in the household, in your household growing up, and you saw that, you know, whenever there was an opportunity, it was like, well, this could go wrong and that could go wrong, or be careful about this, or don't do that, or whatever.

And sure, I mean, environment has a big impact. But I told him, I said, yes, absolutely it can change. I mean, I'm a living. Walking. Breathing example. I mean, I've been in very dark places where I couldn't see any right where, where I was really, really discouraged. I mean, after I lost my job in 2000 and and eight, I mean, I was really discouraged.

I've been in dark places, but we can train our brains to get out of it, but it's not gonna be [00:20:00] something that's gonna just turn right away. You know, I've been recently. Doing a morning devotional on the YouVersion Bible app every day, and I think I've done it for like 24 days in a row, and it keeps track when you finish it, it's like a little message and a video, and then you think about some prayers that you wanna pray and you just go through this thing.

It takes me maybe 10, 15 minutes to go through it, depending on how long I wanna focus on it, but I remember. And I will go on these streaks, like I'll get to seven days, eight days, and this is my longest streak that I've had in the last really couple years. And I look back and I say, well, I'm actually not worrying as much and I have a more hopeful mentality and I'm doing some things differently in my life.

And I don't know exactly if I can credit it to that activity, but I can give some credit. It. Credit to that activity because it's keeping me in a positive, in a optimistic, and a hopeful, in an opportunity state of mind. It's e at least planting some seeds in the morning when I get up, and it's been very encouraging to me.

And so that was my answer to the client. I said, yeah, you know what you focus on the most, you [00:21:00] amplify. It's gonna take training, not trying, it's gonna take training consistently. It's gonna take doing your daily five and five. It's going to take recognizing these negative core beliefs and replacing them with truth.

It's gonna take doing an activity like, If you recognize that you're saying to yourself that this won't work out, or this is you're beating yourself up, or you're telling yourself you're not worthy, or you're telling yourself you're gonna fail, or you're focusing on the things that have gone wrong, maybe you have a speaking event and you're telling yourself about the times when it didn't go as well as you thought it would go, or it didn't go as well as you.

Felt you could. It could go, you didn't perform as well, whatever it may be, and you're able to step back and look at it and say to yourself, that's not true. That's not true. And you write it down in your journal, you speak it into your phone, you speak it in your mind. You just say it in your mind. That's not true.

And then you start giving yourself I am statements based on the things that you love about yourself, which if you purchase tuneup for life and subscribe, then you can actually identify, there's a worksheet and a video in there where you can identify the things you love about yourself, [00:22:00] qualities that are intrinsic, that can never be taken away from you.

Like I love my sense of humor. I know I get on people's nerves, but I don't care actually. I know I get on people's nerves and I do pranks, but you know, honestly, We look back on those things and they're great memories and I know people wanna rub that in my face at times, and that's okay. I can take it 'cause it's worth it to me.

And I don't wanna give anybody a heart attack and I don't wanna do anything at the expense of somebody else or to demoralize or to put somebody down, but to have some fun. And I like that sense of humor that I have. I like the spontaneous nature that I have in myself when I'm living according to what I'm talking about today, when I'm living with self-confidence.

I like that I can just think about calling somebody up who I haven't talked to in a while and just go ahead and do it. Not let the doubt and fear sit in and you know, Mel Robbins has helped me with that. Her five second rule. I'm gonna go ahead and link to a video from Mel Robbins as well on the five second rule, because it's basically, if I understand it correctly, it's that you'd give, you count to five, you know, you feel inspired to go ahead and do something like [00:23:00] call that potential client.

I have a lead on somebody who I could potentially hire. And so I go ahead and I, I know I have this lead, and before I can let doubt sit in, I count to 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 by five. I've actually made that phone call. I don't even know what I'm gonna say.

I just trust the process. I'm playing the long game. I'm applying that, that this is gonna lead me. Even if it doesn't go well, it's still gonna lead me in the direction that I want to head in because I'm making a contact with a potential client. And that's been very powerful in my life. So tell yourself the truth about yourself.

Consistently. Tell yourself that's not true. Another couple actions you can take is one, you can say the word, I have options, versus I can't or I must. I have options. I have decisions I can make. Having decisions and options, being able to make choices, being able to make decision, being able to choose is a great blessing.

And that gives you a sense of freedom. You're not trapped in this all or nothing. Success, failure can, can't [00:24:00] kind of mentality. You can say to yourself whenever you say should or ought or must, you can start to replace it with the word can. Replace it with the word can. That's a very powerful word because you have options that that imp applies, that you have options.

You can make a list of things that have gone right in your life in one of these areas where you lack self-confidence. So what has gone right as you've dated people and learn and learned about new people and met new people, maybe you haven't found that one person. But you've learned a bunch about people and their businesses and how to socialize and how to interact in the process.

So you're seeing that although the result hasn't been what you've wanted ideally or in the long run, it's still given you insight into the situation and how you interact with people. So make a list of how things have gone right or gone well in that specific situation. And the fifth secret to self-confidence is to express yourself.

And so I asked somebody recently, you know, what would you do if you had 10 times [00:25:00] more self-confidence in this area? And it was kinda interesting what they said. Well, they said, you know, I would cuss people out. I would get arrested. I mean, they kind of went to the extreme and she was saying things like, I.

I don't know, these worst case scenario things like this confidence and this fear, I'm sorry, this lack of Kuhn having more confidence would cause some damage in her life. And I was challenging that and I asked more questions and I asked more clarity, and eventually she arrived at the fact that that was kind of a scapegoat for not being more confident.

It's like anxiety is often easier to focus on wor, it's easier to focus on worry than it is to focus on opportunity, because opportunity means you gotta let go and have faith. And things could go wrong, but they could also go right. They could also go really stinking well. But they can control the anxiety.

It's safe to just worry, but it's not safe to let go of the worry and have faith and trust and live with self-confidence. So expressing yourself means that you're gonna trust that intuition again, and you're gonna share what's on your mind. [00:26:00] I. You may feel scared to share what's on your mind. Just like I've been scared to switch from ConvertKit to Kajabi, even though it doesn't seem like a really big deal.

But I have a big list and I rely on that list for my business and my subscribers mean a lot to me 'cause that's my contacts right there. And so I don't want to have anything go wrong. And so I procrastinated and it's probably taken me six months to make this transition, but I'm scared and I can share that I'm scared.

I can share with friends that I'm scared and I probably need to do a better job at that because I'm not stuffing it and repressing my emotions by sharing that. I'm sharing that with you today. So we tell people how we feel intuitively because we know it's not actually to share with them, to make them feel bad or guilty or manipulate them, but it's to be open.

Because people trust others when they're open about how they actually feel. So if you feel hurt and you tell somebody you love and care about, Hey, I feel hurt by that, you're not showing up when you say you're gonna show up. And I really, in that situation, I'm just, maybe I'm wrong about this, but I feel like I'm not a priority in your life.[00:27:00]

Here's, here's what I want. 'cause that's the other part of it is you express yourself and then you ask for what you want. Well, I want more time with you. Well, I want you to say specifically what I'm doing right. Sometimes in our relationship, not what I'm doing wrong, and I want to hear it.

And they may say, well, I don't wanna do that, or I can't do that, or I didn't grow up doing that. But you're still expressing it or you're sharing an emotion like you're excited about something. Which I think is a great thing to focus on every morning is what you're excited about later in the day. Hey, I'm excited about watching my friend's dog and seeing my old dog Max, play with my friend's dog, Coco, which I was last week, although Coco's not with me anymore, but I did watch him for a week and it was really fun.

I was excited to come home and I could share that with people. Hey, you know, it's kind of casual conversation, but it's letting people know how I'm feeling inside. Not that I'm stoic, which I've been accused of, and I believe I am stoic at times. I believe that connects to my past in a lot of ways, but.

You're starting to share. So a couple things you can do to make this stick. You can start to write down a positive and a negative emotion that you feel each day, why you feel it, and then what [00:28:00] you need in that situation. So I feel insecure around this business development group that I meet with every month, and I need to.

Get to know people better and actually share more about my life and my emotions and actually listen better. So it's gonna tell you and give you some insight into what you could change about yourself or the situation, a new direction to actually make that situation better. And negative emotions can do that for us.

They can be tremendous blessings to recognize that we're feeling insecure, and then recognizing what changes we can make to start feeling confident in that area builds self-confidence. Expressing yourself gives you a key to unlocking. What's holding back that self-confidence in your life? It's a really great blessing, and so I remember recently that somebody shared with me that they told somebody else they didn't agree and it was a family member.

It was a situation that was uncomfortable because she had a great deal of respect for this family member. And this family member said something that she didn't agree with. And she said, I don't agree with that. And she stood her ground, and then the next day and [00:29:00] later that day, actually she second guessed herself.

I'm gonna call back and say, Hey, I was a little bit harsh on that. Or, Hey, I shouldn't have said that. But they didn't. They resisted that second guessing, because that second guessing is anxiety driven. I will just tell you that right now. When you trust your intuition and you get it out there, don't second guess.

Every time you start second guessing, you tell yourself, that's not true. You know, I am a good father, I'm a good husband, I'm a good employee. I was. Telling them the truth. I was giving 'em valuable information rather than getting sucked into that second guessing. And then you're gonna start to see after time that that insecurity's gonna dissipate.

And you're gonna start to see that you have more self-confidence in yourself. 'cause you followed through, you kept a commitment to yourself. You had a boundary, you expressed it, you. Have clarity and you followed through on that clarity 'cause you were inspired to say that thing. And you know, I was in a group once not too long ago, and there was a situation that made me uncomfortable and it still makes me uncomfortable.

It was a, a group of other professionals like myself and the situation made me uncomfortable and I spoke up. I [00:30:00] said, I don't think, you know, that's right. I wouldn't approach things that way. It was kind of a controversial situation and I spoke up and I said something and then I apologized afterwards and I start looking back on that.

And I think, why did I say that? Well, I second guess myself. I got sucked in and I wanted to be liked truly. I didn't like that people were uncomfortable with what I had said, so I wanted to make him comfortable and it wasn't a good situation. It wasn't the right thing to do, but I'm changing and I'm learning.

I'm stepping back and I'm seeing it clearly. So let's go ahead and recap five Secrets, secrets, self-Confidence Secrets. So number one, get clarity. Take some time and space in your life to get some clarity. It will require you to step back and to eliminate distractions. So you can do that. Fill out some worksheets, purchase tune up for life, purchase a program, get with a counselor, get with a coach.

Set boundaries with yourself and with others. Intuitively, you know, it's a boundary you wanna set. And stay true to yourself. Follow through for yourself. Keep promises for yourself. Number three is play the long game. See that vision and focus on that vision and make decisions that [00:31:00] lead you towards that vision, regardless of how uncomfortable and difficult they are.

Regardless of the rejection you may experience, regardless of the outcome and that immediate. Moment when you actually make that decision and play the long game. How does that, how is this moving me towards where I really want to go? Number four is watch your language. Be careful how you talk to yourself, telling yourself you're not worthy and you're unlovable.

And you're helpless is not gonna help you. So you replace it and you tell yourself that's not true, and you replace it with factual. All encompassing statements like maybe I'm struggling today, but I know I can get through and I know I can get to the other part, and I know I can make it through. I'm not helpless in this situation.

I know I can gather the resources and support I need. That's telling yourself the truth. And then number five is express yourself. So learn to be assertive, to share what you know intuitively is really on your mind. So that you're being true and honest with yourself, emotionally honest with other people, and they can have the clarity to feel safe around you, even though they may not like what you're saying or may not even like you, they still know you're a person of integrity.

Who stands true to his word, who stands true to her word, and who follows through, and who [00:32:00] is willing to be honest in difficult situations. So, Remember my rule, Adam's 2080 rule. So insight is 20% of transformational change. You're getting insight from this podcast. You're getting insight from reading good books.

You gain insight from talking to your friends and counselors and coaches. 80% is action. When my client called, I. Her family member after not talking for 20 years to reconcile, you know, that was action. That was the real change, and that was the most important part of the session right there. So, what resonates with you most from this podcast today?

In the next 1224 hours, I want you to take some kind of an action on whatever resonated with you most. So take a risk, an emotional risk, and then teach it to somebody else. Just talk about it casually. If you love this episode. Post a screenshot on your Instagram feed tag me, Adam Gragg, A D M G R A G. I'd love to see that.

Really appreciate all those responses and everyone tagging. I appreciate each one of you have me out to speak live or over zoom. I'd love to connect with your team and I'd love to talk [00:33:00] about how to shatterproof yourself these seven. Small steps to a giant leap in your mental health. Really would love to engage.

Engage with me or one of my legacy coaches, one of my certified legacy coaches, and I'm gonna sign off the way that I always do. Make it your mission to live the life now that you want to be remembered for 10 years after you're gone live your legacy today, you decide your legacy. Nobody else. I appreciate you greatly and I'll see you next time.