Ep87_SocialAnxiety_full
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Adam Gragg: [00:00:00] Welcome to episode 87 of the Decide Your Legacy podcast today. I have a really fun topic for you. I'm gonna talk about decreasing social anxiety. How does that sound? It doesn't sound fun, I realize that, but it is gonna be fun and light and you're gonna get lots of practical ideas.

School has started, holidays are coming [00:01:00] up. Lots of social interactions, and this is one of the most common issues that people have come to me with. In their, in my career is how do I deal with this anxiety that I have in social situations? So I'm gonna have some fun today, and so are you. And I got some really cool glasses that I'm gonna wear during the whole show.

So if you have found this podcast helpful in the past, You haven't already done so, which I know many of you have not subscribe, so you'll never miss another episode. Pull out your phones, give it a rating and review on Apple or Spotify or wherever you get your podcast content that helps it reach more people and grow organically.

Thank you for doing so. For those of you who have already given it a rating and review, I'm your host, Adam Gragg. I'm a goofball, a legacy coach, a blogger. Trainer, and I'm a licensed clinical family therapist for over 20 years. My passion is to help people develop the self-confidence and transformational clarity needed to face their biggest fears and live their desired legacy.

And I wanna challenge you today to listen as a teacher. It'll sink in [00:02:00] deeper. If you think of it as some content, you're gonna teach somebody else in the next 24 hours. That's my challenge to you. So some uncomfortable and scary things I've done recently, and I share these with you because I want you to do the same.

Not much is more important to your mental health than facing your fears, and not much is more damaging to your mental health. Then playing it safe. So one risk I've taken is wearing these silly glasses right now on video. Yes, that's what I've done. Now, a couple things. I've been honest in my communication, not exaggerating and not oversharing when I've been tempted to do so, which has been uncomfortable and I realize I can be a real exaggerator.

Second thing is I set some personal deadlines for myself and got those down clearly. I'm holding myself accountable and telling friends and helping. They're holding me accountable as well. I've followed through with some people and companies when I have neglected following through, and I've apologized in some situations.

Actually, I missed a meeting last week and was pretty [00:03:00] embarrassing, but I made a mistake. I apologized and it went fine. So this is the podcast as you know that you do. You don't just listen to, so you have to get uncomfortable too. So put on your funny sunglasses. If you have some and go ahead and pull out your journal or speak into your phone.

What types of social situations cause you the most fear and anxiety and worry? Is it something small groups of people, a business type situation, a situation at church or with your family? Or maybe it's just Thanksgiving. What is it? And then why? So write down why you think that's a triggering type situation.

'cause we may not know. Sometimes it reminds us of the past, or we think something that happened in the past could happen again. So we stay guarded and that's the real damage of having anxiety in social situations is we protect ourselves. There's this shield between us and other people. People don't get to know us, they.

Don't see our sense of humor. They don't understand what our fears are, what our problems are, [00:04:00] and they don't get the whole picture. And it is like you don't get to know somebody that way. And it's super draining to have anxiety as you interact with people. 'cause that is taking so much energy that you don't realize you're probably giving away by thinking and overthinking and even by avoiding and not doing things and comparing yourself to other people and worrying about what they think about you and just wasting away this creative energy on things that you have no control over.

And just saying you don't care can be, you know, we do care. We do care what people think. But the great benefit of dealing with social anxiety is you start to get closer to people. You'll start feeling more positive emotions, love, and you also feel negative emotions, which when we avoid, we actually don't feel some of that rejection potentially, which is a motivator for why we don't engage.

But then we don't feel the good. Connecting emotions where we get to know people and we're part of a team and there's intimacy and there's fun and laughter and humor, and we just enjoy life. So we get to meet new people when we can deal and break through the social [00:05:00] anxiety and we can see our own potential because we're getting it.

From other people in relationships, they're giving us feedback. We're trying new things and then failing at it and seeing potentially that we can handle it. We're doing things that are different and realizing that our value doesn't come from other people's opinion of us or their approval. And so when we face our social anxiety, we start letting go of this social.

Approval addiction that we have, and it is a great tremendous blessing. So I wanna share six icebreakers with you that I have had a great time using with teams and at family events and as a family therapist and just working with families and getting people to talk and be more comfortable. And what I find is that it.

The very beginning when you have a social situation, a lot of times there's some tension, there's some checking each other out and, you know, scoping the environment and seeing if I could potentially run into somebody I don't wanna see, you know, making sure I have a good vision of the room. And people do all kinds of things subconsciously, often to protect themselves.

And when a good icebreaker or a good [00:06:00] facilitator at a family event or a good leader can start to get people to talk, even though they have this resistance and this avoidance tendency, but they don't give up and they ask the questions and they get 'em to engage in activities, and a lot of these, as I share, I'm gonna share six, some six of my favorite icebreakers that you can utilize over Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year's, or at a birthday party or at a business event.

You could even at a big corporate event. I've used some of these things at the very beginning of the. Corporate event when it's been my job to be a facilitator. So here's one. So share something funny. So you just, and you can do these casually. That's the thing about it is you don't have to say, I'm sharing an icebreaker.

No. These are just ideas in social interactions where you can ask somebody and say, what's something that has made you cry or laugh or roll on the floor In the past that was so funny that you couldn't resist. And people may look at you strange when you ask 'em that, but if you're genuine and you're.

Honestly, sincerely curious. They're probably gonna find that a question that makes 'em think and they're gonna pause when great questions [00:07:00] make you pause. They make you think. And then someone can share a story about something that happened that was funny over the last week or at work, or something that happened at home, or a coincidence that occurred in their life or something that they watched that was funny, but just share something funny.

So that can be a great icebreaker. So another one, this is one I did actually with a team recently was you select a coin. Everyone selects a a specific coin. They just select one coin out of a jar of coins or grab a handful of coins and then they share something significant about the year on that coin as long as it was in their lifetime.

And it can be something, it could be maybe a year they got married or it could be a specific historical event that happened during that year. And so if you're interested in these types of things that are gonna challenge you socially, and this is why I give them to you, these icebreakers 'cause they're ideas of ways that you can lean into the.

Social anxiety so you can break through because there's no way of actually overcoming anxiety unless you engage it and start, stop avoiding and start [00:08:00] facing, I hate to say it, but that's the truth. And it's exciting when you realize that in the process is going to be adventure and joy and growth as you do these uncomfortable things.

So if icebreakers in this topic interest you, you wanna hit the link to 11 fun icebreakers for work and social that is in the show notes. So, The third icebreaker is teach a skill. So everybody has different skills that are unique to them. So you're hanging around at Thanksgiving and somebody talks about how they're learning.

How to have a side hustle business. And you ask them, well, what are some of the skills or what are some of the things that you've learned that could be helpful to me? 'cause I'm thinking about having a side hustle where I make a thousand dollars extra a month and they share with you because it's an interesting topic to them and it's also an interesting topic to you.

Or maybe they are good at playing the ukulele and you're interested in the ukulele, or maybe you're just interested in music in general, and you ask them, I don't have a ukulele [00:09:00] right here, but what are some things I would need to know to learn how to play the ukulele?

Could start up a good conversation. It could be at a team meeting. Everyone brings up. Something that they believe they could teach the team a skill that the team probably or may not actually have individually. And then they get up in front and they just, for five minutes they teach them how to engage in this specific skill.

So maybe it's how to take off in an airplane as a pilot. And you're not actually gonna, actually, you're gonna do that unless you're planning on going to pilots training. But they're a pilot and it'd be very interesting to me to learn what do you do when you're just getting ready to take off and they can teach you that?

And it bonds people together because we're talking about subjects where there's dialogue. I know it sounds like monologue, but it really is a conversation. A conversation means both parties are participating. There's a relationship. A monologue is where you're just sharing your thoughts and usually opinions, and usually judgmental [00:10:00] opinions in a monologue, but there's really no conversation.

The conversation is what creates the bonding, and it breaks the ice and it builds the relationships. And by breaking the ice, I mean it gets rid of the fear, the anxiety goes away. Because people are opening up. Fourth thing that you can do, I love this one too, is everybody shares a strength and a growth area.

So you're hanging out at Christmas, everybody's eating a meal, and you're just talking to the person next to you and you say, Hey I. What is something that, you know, a goal that you have that you're working on over the next year? Where are you trying to grow? Now? For some, they could be bothered by a question like that for me, and I'd say 90% of people out there.

If it was a genuine question, you give a genuine answer. Well, I'm trying to grow professionally in this specific way, or I'm trying to read more, or I'm trying to get more exercise, or I'm trying to be. More consistent on having date nights with my wife, or I'm trying to watch less news and be more [00:11:00] positive and not engage in social media.

So it creates a healthy type of conversation. So people on the, on your team as a group, everyone could share one strength that they have and maybe even something you could say it's a strength that we probably don't know that you have. Potentially or one that you have. And then what's one weakness or one growth area?

I don't like the word weakness 'cause really it's not weak to have an area you're gonna grow in. But weak is often used in looked at as a negative word. I don't actually see it as a negative word. I see it as something that you may feel weak, it's an emotional situation, but you know that you need help in a specific area or you know that you need encouragement.

And it's something that is a sign of strength and courage when you can admit that you have. A weakness or a shortcoming, something in your life you wanna work on. So share one strength and one growth area. And so if you found this podcast helpful, hit the link to shatterproof yourself. Seven Small Steps to a Giant Leap in your mental health.

It's a brief video and workbook. You won't wanna miss [00:12:00] that, and you'll only get access to it through that link. Check it out. So the last one actually, I got, yeah, one more. And this is a really fun icebreaker. It's probably my favorite of all of them. And so everyone shares a favorite quote or poem, and I've done this kind of thing in a.

Social setting with friends where everybody shares a favorite quote or poem actually on a vacation. Once we did that over dinner and I discovered a poem, it was one of the people at the table, my friend Dave, who good friend, shared. A poem that was his, I believe, favorite poem or one of his favorite poems, and people shared favorite quotes that they had, which I have a number of favorite quotes, and I've shared a bunch of them from Carl Jung, which I will link to again in the show notes if you want access to those quotes as well.

So let me read a poem that was shared, which this gives you some insight into other people and what they're interested in and what inspires them, what their passions and interests are. And so people are sharing, and it can be vulnerable as well, which all [00:13:00] of these things are when you're dealing with anxiety, it's leaning into that.

Fear and being vulnerable, meaning you are letting go of the outcome. You don't know what the outcome could be. You're the person who's leading and saying, Hey, let's do something different over dinner at Thanksgiving. Hey, let's do something different at birthdays. Let's do something where we get to know each other.

I have this idea, I heard about this icebreaker or did this with my work team and it was so fun. So here's this poem. I wanna read it 'cause it's inspiring to me. It's called "If" by Rudyard Kipling. So if you can keep your head. All about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you if you can trust yourself.

When all men doubt you, but make allowance for their doubting too. If you can wait and not be tired by waiting or being lied about, don't deal in lies or being hated. Don't give way to hating and yet don't look too good nor look too wise if you can dream and not make dreams. Your master. If you can think and not make thoughts your aim.[00:14:00]

If you can meet with triumph and disaster and treat those two imposters just the same. If you can bear to hear the truth, you've spoken, twisted by naves to make a trap for fools, or watch the things you gave your life to broken and stoop and build them up. Worn out tools. If you can make one heap of all your winnings and risk it on one turn of pitch and toss and lose and start again at the be at your beginnings and never breathe a word about your loss.

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinu to serve your turn long after they're gone. And so hold on. When there is nothing in you except the will, which says to them, hold on. If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue or walk with kings, nor lose the common touch. If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, if all men count with you.

But none too much. If you can fill the unforgiving minute with 60 seconds worth of distance run, yours is the earth and everything that's in it, [00:15:00] and which is more, you'll be a man, my son. So that's "If" by Rudy Kipling. So what is a favorite quote poem that you have that you could share with somebody else?

I challenge you to share it with somebody. Just outta the blue. So what do you do with this and how does this relate to social anxiety? So social anxiety is gonna be this voice that tells you you're gonna be rejected. It's that inner a-hole is what I like to call it. So it's talking to you, it's trying to keep you safe.

It's saying, you, you, you, you know you're gonna be rejected. You're gonna fail. People aren't gonna like you. It's gonna fall apart. Don't do it. It could be the worst decision you've ever made. There's no going back. It's this very extreme voice. It's a tyrant. It's a tyrant and we don't wanna listen to it.

When we get space from it, then we have power over it. We're making the subconscious conscious. We become victimized by our thoughts if we don't become aware of them. [00:16:00] Because then we react rather than respond, then we do things that we eventually will say, why did I do that? But that's not what I'm talking about here.

When I talk about taking risks, I'm talking about intuitive. Inspiration. You believe it's the right next step, next thing to do that God has put in front of you, so you just try it. So this is what I'm gonna do is give you four things to consider as you try to face, as you do face your social anxiety, and you will overpower it over time as you replace it with different types of actions you see.

What happens is, is people focus on the problem and not the solution. I want you to give 80% of your focus to the solution and only 20% to the problem. Knowing what the problem could be and finding a solution to solve it is a good thing. 'cause it requires you to focus on the problem for a bit of time so you can find that solution.

But then we focus on the solution, the potential, [00:17:00] what could go right. How I can grow, how I can impact other people. You know, I asked a client who went through a traumatic situation losing a parent. I asked her what? Well, she was telling me, 'cause she, she lost her dad at a very young age and she was basically expressing to me that nothing good has come out of that and.

Even to the extent that it hasn't really had a huge impact on her life, but I could tell it had an impact on her life because losing a parent on a young age, it just is gonna have an impact on somebody's life. Just like when your parents' divorce, it's gonna have an impact on a kid's life. When a parent gets cancer as an alcoholic or makes difficult types of situations where they make really bad decisions that end up in prison or whatever, it's gonna impact somebody's life.

But in this situation, I was talking and I felt a shift. I felt like, well, she in this discussion and I had to really put it in her head. I said, how can you help other people because of what you've been through? You losing a parent at such a young age, and I [00:18:00] sensed some emotion, and I've sensed this a number of different times when people.

Understand the meaning behind what they have gone through, and it's something they can start talking about, but that's facing your fears because you're, you're afraid to bring it out. You're afraid to look at it. So what you can do is just try, try something. Commit to one of these icebreakers with your team, with your family.

Take a look at the list of 11. Try one of those out. Do it over the dinner table. Don't call it an icebreaker unless you want to. You can, especially if it's a workplace team or if it's some big family event, that's fine. That's number one. Just try something. Number two, and this is the way to make application.

Of these icebreakers. Number two is stay positive because whenever you do stuff like this, you're gonna have people who are, who have given into negativity bias. And when people become extraordinarily negative, that's a self-protective function. There's often some truth or something they don't wanna face, so they're seeing all the negative.

In that situation or about those people because they're scared. And that really is a foundational cause of bigotry [00:19:00] and a foundational cause of racism. We're focusing on the negatives 'cause we're afraid. We're afraid to connect. We're afraid to connect with people who are much more like us than different.

And we're not getting to know them. We're staying safe. But you can stay positive regardless of other people's negativity bias. So you try something and someone chimes in or people don't engage, but you stay positive. Because you're being a leader, not a follower, and you continue to engage and you continue to ask them to engage and you share your own answers to these icebreaker questions or these activities, you lead the way potentially, or you start the process and you let everybody be quiet while they think, and you are okay with the discomfort because everybody's processing. Because when it's quiet, a lot of times people are thinking, and then we can let anxiety chime in and we get insecure. But that's not what I want you to do. I want you to be aware of how these thoughts and emotions make you feel, or they don't make you feel.

But you can be in an insecure frame of mind [00:20:00] posture, let's call it. But you stay positive regardless. Persist is the fourth thing, so you don't give up. Even when other people are negative, it's like playing a new game at Christmas and people say, I don't want to try a new game. We like Monopoly, we don't wanna play that game.

That's a silly game. And it was a Christmas gift, but that happens. Or we don't wanna try a new food. But you persist. You don't get controlling, you don't push, but you can still say, Hey, I would like to try this. And then everybody in the family could say, no, we don't want to, and they lock you outside. And that's fine.

I mean, it's happened to me, just ask my parents and siblings. But you can persist and it can lead to still, people give it a shot and then they say, I wish we would've tried this before. And then we remember the big picture. So we're in this training process. We wanna deal with this anxiety. We know it limits our functioning.

We know it decreases the opportunity for some great social relationships. Yet we're gonna keep the big picture end goal in mind. Just like today, I was [00:21:00] thinking about a pitcher that I have not heard about for the Oakland Athletics that had a really good game last year and I looked him up and he's new on the team, but he had a great game.

And I look, he's in his early thirties, so he's been in the minors and in and outta the majors for a long period of time. But he's been training and I was looking at a pitcher who I thought, man, this guy is potentially gonna be a starting pitcher. And he probably from this one game, increased his salary significantly or his future potential of earning significantly.

'cause he had a good game. But I don't know how much work or what happened in his life where he started to see that the mundane is worth it. So meaning we get meaning. Out of having a vision and knowing that vision, and we see that we want, this vision is of these connections that people are making with other people on their team and in their family.

And so we're willing to do the uncomfortable and we're willing to do the mundane like study and learn communication skills and do uncomfortable, I mean, get outta bed at the right time and be [00:22:00] prepared. And all that stuff that might not be fun. And mow our lawn because we see the big picture. It's gonna lead us to that place that we want to actually arrive at.

So there you have it. Work on that social anxiety, it'll change your life. And let's go ahead and recap. I share with you five icebreakers and then I share with you four ways to deal with social anxiety. Number one, just try it. Number two, stay positive, persist, and then remember the big picture. Remember the meaning.

So remember my rule, 20% of transformational change is insight. You're gaining insight by reading a good book. Listening to a good podcast, reading a good blog post, 80% or more is action. Take something that resonated with you today and apply it in the next 24 hours and teach it to somebody else because that will make it stick more.

For you, take an emotional risk based on something that you learned today. If you love this episode, post a [00:23:00] screenshot on your Instagram and tag me, Adam Gragg listening to it. I will. Check all those out. Really appreciate it and if you're interested, have me out to speak live or over zoom to your team.

Lots of topics I could talk to you about or one of my other legacy coaches could talk to you about or engage with me in coaching or someone else on my team, one of my certified Legacy coaches. And I'm gonna go ahead and sign off the way that I always do. Make it your mission to live the life now that you want to be remembered for 10 years after you're gone, you decide your legacy, no one else.

I appreciate you greatly and I'll see you next time.